I (21F) have been struggling since going to college (fall 2019) and suspect it may be due to undiagnosed ADHD, overlooked due to my strong academic performance in high-school. I can barely keep up with life these days, don't know what to do with myself. Has anyone had a similar experience? Is it worth it to bring this up to a psychologist and get tested for ADHD? Or am I overthinking this? Some symptoms/backstory, in detail:
On paper, until now, I had a great academic record: 1590 SAT on the first attempt, 4.0 GPA at an extremely competitive high-school, 12 AP classes. It was easy to get into a decent university, but I missed any shot at the ivies b/c of my last-minute essays. I lived in a state of extreme anxiety (heightened by procrastination) and averaged 4 hours of sleep on 5 nights a week for most of high-school to maintain my grades. I pretty much only went to school, studied (or procrastinated by going on my phone), and slept.
I can only study when I literally have no other choice; my brain only functions when the deadline is imminent and I'm always starting to do work at the last second possible. In high school, even on the days where I had just a little bit of work, I would do nothing/procrastinate on my phone for hours on end and then sleep for three hours and wake up at 3am to finish before going to school at 6am. The work I did from 3am-6am was always my best though.
Everything fell apart in college, concentrating on school was impossible between partying and impulsive decisions, particularly with weed and drinking. I always just did what my parents expected of me, fearful of their anger, never even realized until college how poor my decisions are when my parents aren't holding me accountable. My parents are from India and doing well in school was emphasized and instilled in me from a young age, as it was for them as kids- I had one job only: to do well in school. Until 10th grade, I never had anything to do outside of class despite putting in minimal effort and easily always had all As. Not allowed to meet friends outside of school (or watch TV on weekdays ), barely had extracurriculars as I'm lazy/my parents couldn't drive me (wasn't allowed to drive until I graduated nor get in another student's car). My parents always checked my phones location too, so no cheating their rules- not that I would've, as my dad has a temper and I was always a very sensitive child, esp to anger.
I didn't intend to stop being successful in college, genuinely. I tried going to 1000 student lectures at 8am 3x a week, but couldn't pay attention (always too far away from the board, tired/cold etc. ) and figured there wasn't any point in going b/c attendance wasn't mandatory. I tried calendar and organizational apps to keep my very busy schedule together, but somehow always ended up a mess and barely had energy to study outside of a lot of extracurricular (over)commitments. Honestly I hate organizing, it takes forever, and requires more effort than the work, so I always give up. When I did have time to study, I procrastinated or mismanaged it, finding it impossible to focus and do work when the deadline wasn't imminent. College classes, unlike HS, tended to have a few major large, spaced-out assignments that determine your grade. I thrived on procrastination and wouldn't have enough time to study/learn the material sufficiently before the exam, even though I could've easily if I just had been able to study earlier. It wasn't like I was doing anything earlier either, except busying myself in the name of procrastination. It's been two years, and I continue to make this mistake on the regular, literally can't make myself do anything early or on time lol if the due date is six weeks away. Then it piles until it is too late lol. ADHD + anxiety yeah?
I love love love doing things at extremes. No point in doing anything unless ur all in, right? If I like a sandwich I'll eat it everyday for lunch for three weeks and then won't be able to eat- or smell- it ever again. Same with a song. I gained 20 pounds my freshman year of college from an obsession with the dining hall (despite always being 100 pounds, so quite a bit of a change lol). Upset with the new bod during quarantine, I then went on an exercise and obsessive calorie counting streak ( <800 a day, I was starving myself ) and lost it all and plus some in just two months. My first time drinking (almost 18, friend's basement sleepover, probs my biggest act of rebellion), I liked the first shot so much, I almost blacked out and spent the rest of the night vomiting- all before anyone had the chance to get more than tipsy. This also kind of killed my relationship with my friends, amongst other incidents. I barely have any friends today, because of stupid, impulsive decisions too. Or trouble emotionally regulating when I am upset with other people. that Took an (unnecessary) ambulance ride two months into freshman year after vomiting too much while drunk (long and expensive story). Never tried an edible, but took a potent 50mg my first time on impulse (slightly before the ambulance night) and to date that might be the worst trip I've gone on oof. Oh yeah, also spent 4-5 months as a high-key solo alcoholic (not freshman year lmao) and got all As/A+s too. Low point, for sure.
Sensory issues with certain "dry" sounds (I always make my mom stop rubbing her hands). I'm not sure if I could be a doctor, just because I have to moisture after washing my hands, even though my hands are never dry / sweat easily. Have to wear socks all the time. Hate some foods because of textures/things that don't bother most other people, although this has significantly improved since I was a kid. Can't focus with too much external stimuli, like music or someone on the phone or mild headache or dishwasher running or uncomfortable clothing: I always could only study in my quiet room at home, comfy on my bed, heater on, and braless. I always had a thing for fashion/fitting it, and while I care less these days, am pretty good at cleaning up and dressing uncomfy for short intervals when needed. Just not my natural state lol.
I think I can hyper focus. I used to read for hours on end from the age of 8, without getting up to eat or use the bathroom, until my parents got mad and forced me to put the book down. Reading (or re-reading) my favorite Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix was often a single-day task. I'll admit, I did tend to skim occasionally lol. In 6th grade, I won the reading competition, where you get points if you pass an online test about the book you read. I had triple the runner-up's number of points. I would sneak into the bathroom at family friends' houses to read my books too without getting in trouble. As I got older, I switched to reading novels or other things on online, but less often as I was busy with school, tired, or illegally streaming tv on my phone. A perfect day would consist of either a good book or a good tv show to binge, to this day.
Also I can hyper focus on exams. That (and when i'm reading/tv show) is the only time when the voice in my head turns off and I'm just in the zone, fully involved in what i'm doing. That's pretty much the reason I did so well on standardized testing without really studying, extreme focus for four hours on the actual exam, adrenalin booming. I went to retake the ACT for fun and my exam got ripped up and canceled because my watch (randomly found in the basement that morning, last-minute thing) was beeping. Turns out that's against ACT rules- in a gym of 200 people, it beeped for awhile before the proctor located the source, but I was too absorbed to turn the alarm off and got kicked out. Occasionally, this hyper focus also kicked in when there was an exam looming, allowing me to study faster and better or write an essay (extremely hard to get in the zone of writing) or think of a novel idea. I started abusing this ability in HS though towards the end, unconsciously though; we had half a semester to work on our final paper for 12 AP Literature (English) and I wrote it from 12am to 6:20am the night before it was due at 7:20am, but it was my best paper.
Couldn't sleep as a kid. Was so annoying that I got exempt from nap-time in pre-school. In elementary school, I would end up going downstairs to ask my dad (around 12 or 1am, a good 2+ hours after the lights had been out ) if I could read my book or watch tv with him for a bit to help me sleep. My head still doesn't turn off lol.
I was always imagining things, books playing out as scenarios in my own life, for instance, or a meeting of characters from different books or universes or my own current desires coming true in etc. My life was boring, this helped me escape reality, particularly in class, on the bus, grocery trips, or on the toilet. Sometimes, my imagination is better than reality (like if something particularly exciting is playing out) or life just sucks. If I'm super busy and tired, there isn't usually time for much of my imagination to play out, which occasionally rings true in college, and contributes to the blues. These days though, I am depressed for other reasons too and haven't escaped into my imagination much and am not sure if I even could, if I had the energy.
Daydreaming in class. See above.
Super disorganized, despite lots of attempts. Somethings things get clean, but it never lasts very long. Tried literally all calendar apps. Organization system in HS was randomly shoving everything into one of three (heavy-duty) folders until they were so full with handouts, the plastic (almost) broke. Who cares if its in a pretty tab-organized binder or has an oily thumbprint from the personal pan pizza I had for lunch if the grade is the same?
Messy eater to date. My third grade teacher called my parents down for an extra meeting, usually reserved for kids with behavioral issues, to complain about my lack of organization, my messiness while eating, and inability to turn assignments/get parent signatures on time. I got in a bit of trouble at home, no doubt haha, which made me start paying attention. I was also tested for my vision, as my teacher also noticed squinting, and ended up needing a pair of glasses, which was blamed for all my other issues in class too. I also remember throwing a wooden block at another girl when I was three or four, impulsively, and had to talk to the teacher.
Always been sensitive, but really that means I have trouble emotionally regulating. My parents agree, but I've always gotten away with it because younger girls are allowed to be emotional and I also grew up in a pretty controlled environment. Also, it bothers my dad when I cry- I can't stand it when other people cry either, so I empathize with the sentiment, albeit not the rather irritating mocking to cheer me up - so hiding my emotions is second nature. Can't always control though, I think I def cried every year in school until 7th gradeNo social media either, until I was a senior in high school, for instance. I couldn't go to my childhood friend's funeral, because I knew I wouldn't be able to control the bawling (everyone else could....). When I get mad or sad, I get super super mad or sad. That's sometimes what set me off on wanting to get high or drunk in the past, although now that I know this happens, I'm trying to be better.
I'm a hedonist, just never had enough control over my own life to see it unfold. Been called that by my friends quite a bit too.
I like shopping, but in-person. Online isn't instant enough for the satisfaction.
Socially awkward. Usually blank when I'm supposed to say something, tend to blurt things out, be loud, talk without thinking etc. I am also shy and barely talk in groups of people I don't know or feel comfortable with. If I know someone well and start talking, I can't stop. Before I know it, I've probably overshared or said something I shouldn't have. Messed up most of my friendships after doing stupid things, like leading a friend on, or being insensitive to their needs and struggles.
Any thoughts or similar experiences? Do I seem to have ADHD/ is it worth it to bring it up to my psychologist or get tested?
