My (for now) foster mom just told me that our court date is soon, and i will soon be legally adopted! IM crying happy tears so hard right now!! im sitting here with my (for now) foster sister and im so happy that we will soon be true sisters!!! I am sooooo happy!!!!!! In a few days i will have a REAL sister and mom and dad and dog!!!!! OMG im so exited! After a whole life of being in foster care i am going to have a real family!! YAYY!! WHOOHOO!

Stop telling aged out foster youth especially ones who are doing well you would've took us in as foster kids. We know you wouldn't. If you want to take us in, why not take in a foster child that's just like us? I didn't come into foster care as a baby like most of you want. Go take in a child past 8 years old and teens. I came in as an older child and was a teen in foster care. I was that kid with a casefile miles long with a lot of things you would run away from. Now, suddenly, as a functioning adult with titles next to my name, you want to take me in? Goodbye. Taking in the adult me is to fill your egos. It's much easier to help when you don't have to do any work. I needed someone to take me in when it was 2am, and everyone said no to me. So group home or shelter I go. But y'all say no and turn your backs on the very foster kids you praise when they become successful former foster youth. It's offensive to me. So please just stop. I don't need you to take me in now. Go help a current foster kid just like me and stop making excuses. Do you want to take me in? Go accept the child you don't want in your home. The child you say no to is the adult version of me.

I tried recording my foster parents threatening me and other kids today, but they found out and got really mad. My foster dad punched me in the eye and I got a bruise and bloody nose. I took a picture, called my social worker, and then she came to pick all of us from the house. So now we are staying at a shelter tonight. I’m a little scared about what is going to happen to us tomorrow and I’m scared they are gonna take my phone but tonight was the first time I had a real meal since July and I’m so happy. I also got a 100 on my math test today that I studied a lot for, so it has been a good day. Thanks for everyone here helping me.

Just a little while ago, My Foster mom came in my room and gave me a hug. She said "i love you" and i fell to the floor in tears. i have not heard those words for years and years. I sobbed on the floor. She thought she did something wrong, But when i hugged her back she realised how much that had meant to me. To all foster parents out there, its little things like these that change a child's life. Because usually kids from foster care have been abused or neglected, and small things like this, they are what helps them get through this time. And a special thanks to my foster mom, for making me feel so loved today,💜

• got in trouble at school for refusing to do his work. for seven hours.

• got in trouble at school for "fighting" with another student (the other kid was his BFF and both insisted that they had a blast and were having Pokemon battles, is why I'm not more upset - but he did know it was against the rules)

• got in trouble at school for breaking a toy playing too roughly with it

• got in trouble at school for lying

• got in trouble at home for lying

• got in trouble at home for refusing to clean his room

• got in trouble at home for breaking a toy playing too roughly with it

• burst into tears and screamed in my face when I told him to put on his jacket before school

• had a screaming sobbing meltdown at a park today because he decided that climbing was scary but he wanted to climb and it broke his brain

• refused to say please and thank you all week

He's a developmentally normal neurotypical (young) school-age child in a stable household with strong family ties and no known trauma. Most of the time, he's a fairly cheerful and people-pleasing kid with a good attitude.

Sometimes all children kind of suck to be around. I know we all talk about trauma behavior, but I wanted to remind prospective foster parents without bio kids that rotten weeks and defiant spells and semi-random meltdowns are all normal in emotionally healthy children.

Every person, adult and kid, goes through rough patches and grumpy weeks. It's not always trauma.

Don't get me wrong, we need to be trauma-aware, but this week reminded me to be aware of my own expectations.

We’ve had an influx of posts from potential foster parents recently that have had to be removed due demeaning comments from the OPs. Potential foster parents, please be aware that there are current foster youth and FFY in this space. This is not the sub for you if you don’t want comments from them. Our experiences have influenced our voices and we deserve to be heard, regardless of how triggering it is for you. If you see a comment that you disagree with, or a comment that goes against your opinion and your initial reaction is to be disrespectful to the commenter, your post is going to be removed. Comments like “wow clearly someone had a bad experience and is taking it out on the world around them” are in poor taste and show how little empathy you have. Fostering isn’t for you.

I work on the professional side of this field, and I was training a new hire today. He's brand new to child welfare. I was staffing my caseload with him, and at one point we were talking about a kid that had recently been removed from an abusive foster home. He made a sarcastic comment asking, "was it X home?" that I had referenced while staffing a different case where kids also were removed from an abusive foster home. I said, "nope, different foster home."

Then he asked, very seriously, "wow, 2 different foster homes that were abusing kids?"

And I said, "unfortunately, it happens a lot more often than people think."

After I said it, I thought about how frequent it is, and it's way too many. Just one is too many, but studies show that anywhere from one third to one half of children that have been in foster care report having suffered abuse in their foster homes, and my experience is definitely in line with that.

I see it on a regular basis. There's a good chance the other professionals you're working with do too. Often times the abuse of bio-family is physical abuse or drug addiction or neglect, but the abuse by foster homes is far more sinister. This week, in my city, there's a trial going on against a foster parent that was trafficking children.

And I never have an answer for bio-parents, when they ask why we took their kids from them just to put them in an even worse situation. How am I supposed to tell a parent that I was trying to keep their kids safe when I put them in a home that hurt them worse? How am I supposed to answer to that?

So when everyone is pushing to place kids with relatives or return them home to parents, it's because we all know the statistics and we all see it play out over and over again. When none of your professionals on your case trust you, it's because on the surface all foster homes looked as good as yours, with clean background checks and a nice home, and that doesn't mean anything to us when we see foster homes that looked just like yours turned out to be locking kids in dark closets or sexually abusing them or having Munchausen's by proxy and loading kids up with false diagnoses.

I know there are great foster homes out there. But I can't tell that a foster home is good just because they "seem trustworthy" or have respectable jobs and clean houses. And rolling the dice and hoping a kid is in a good home is not a gamble anyone likes to take.

So I am sorry to all the good homes that you get looped into "foster care" like it's a bad word, but for many of us, it often is.

I know it sounds goofy. I had to drop something off today so I popped in the principals office to see how he's doing. School work is iffy, behavior is better than last year but still disruptive, but boy is he killing it at recess.

This is his first year where kids are interested in playing with him, and he's an active participant instead of just an observer.

It was really good news, he's kind of the weird loner so the fact that kids are playing with him is huge. He's never really been the kind of kid that kids like.

The majority of what I see on this sub is a huge bummer so I wanted to share some good news.

You aren’t a savior. Your foster children don’t owe you anything. We don’t owe you our money. We don’t owe you our eternal happiness and gratitude. We don’t owe you our mental health. Do not expect endless thankfulness and constant appreciation. Being fostered is not a burden we have to exchange our emotions or labor for. Stop expecting perfection.

ETA: Please remember when you comment that you’re speaking to a teen that got kicked out of five different homes for not “displaying enough gratitude.” This is still ongoing trauma I’m processing lol

It’s starting to get to me. The neighbor said “he’ll basically be sold to the highest bidder if his mom doesn’t get him back. I mean, that’s how it is right?” I was shocked. First of all my F/S is Black what in the hell could he have possibly been thinking saying that about him. I didn’t even know how to respond I just did an awkward laugh and walked away.

My boss made a comment about how these women with kids in foster care “just keep popping them out in hopes they’ll get more government money for them”. And then asked if we would foster again if we adopt him. I told him if he has siblings put into foster care I would never say no to them. And he quickly said “you wouldn’t want a kid from this mom again though!” As if my son is defective and why would we want one similar. Let me tell you, this kid is fucking perfect, and we would love him the same even if he wasn’t. And of course I would want to be there for his mother again if she were to have more children, I hope she never has to go through this again though.

Then today I couldn’t even believe it from my own mother. Who watches my son everyday. Who I expect to love him as much as she loves my biological nephews. We were discussing the outcomes of his case. Mom recently showed back up. TPR is scheduled. But if mom shows solid proof she is doing well they can cancel the TPR to give her more time. My mom said “well if they say he’ll stay in foster care for another year in hopes of getting him back to his mom, you guys will have to decide if you want to keep investing time into him and getting more attached.” What the fuck. I told her we would never give him up and that I would be very impressed with his mom if she could keep doing well for a year. No matter what the outcome is any time we “invest” into him is well worth it. And we would love for her to get herself together, the idea of her having another baby removed from her permanently breaks my heart.

Ugh. Anyway. No one gets foster care. It’s really hard to find people to connect with. What my mom said makes me sick to my stomach. If you got this far thank you for listening to my rant.

Background:

We (my wife and I) were never able to have kids. Many tears have been shed over the years, especially as the other family members have had their kids.

Well about 8 years ago in a period of depression, my wife had inspiration to look into adopting. She was 100% from day one. I was dragged in to the first few meetings but soon got into it.

Well, 26 kids later, with some big ups and downs. Fostering is tough. The grow and develop and then we have to give then up. A few still keep in contact, which has been wonderful. In this time we never felt like adopting and only one was even eligible for adoption. We were enjoying the come and go and taking breaks when we felt lije it

During the summer of last year after an extremely difficult placement, we decided that 2020 was going to be our last year of Foster Care. We took in our current Foster Placement and were told her parents rights were severed and that a family member was going to adopt her.

This kid has been a lot of fun and everyone remarks about how well she fits in. She started calling us Daddy Dave and Mommy Steph without any prompts about a month in. No other kid has used these names.

About a month ago the family that was going too adopt her just stopped. They had some other issues that maybe this impractical. Well her caseworker came over to discuss looking for a new Adoptive Placement and both of us just said, "Well, why not us? She's already here." And she just lit up. "Yes, please let me stay here. I've been praying for this all week.".

So finally after 18 years of marriage, 8 years of fostering and 26 kids, we will finally make one a permanent member of the family.

I just wanted to share this story because it really made me wonder about some kind of divine/universe/ECT intervention.

I was driving home a few months ago when about two blocks from my house I saw a teenager on his knees throwing up. I pulled over and he was barely concsious, it was almost 115 degrees that day. I thought he was having heatstroke and couldn't talk, so I put him in my Jeep and drove him home. He was throwing up uncontrollably and I felt like I needed to cool him down fast, so I walked him into my swimming pool with all of our clothes on. He started to "come back to life" pretty quickly but was kind of freaked out that a stranger was in a pool with him haha.

The crazy part is he told me he was a foster care youth, and I'm the director of a non-profit that helps foster care youth get into college. He told me he wanted to get a business degree and we applied to about 7 colleges that week together.

Yesterday he was accepted to his first university!! I've been in awe of how we crossed paths... It just really feels like someone/something was looking out for him and I wanted to share this experience!

I know I’m too focused on this, and it’s a stupid dream, but I just wanted to be adopted so badly when I was a teenager. I daydreamed about it and looked at other teens’ adoption day pictures online and just wished, more than anything, to have people in my corner who would love me unconditionally and permanently.

I’ve had so many people in my life say I’m like a sister or daughter or family member to them, but they don’t get how much that means to me. They don’t follow through.

I’m angry with my social worker for not trying harder to find parents for me when I was a teenager and it was still a possibility. I honestly feel like she didn’t try at all. A lot of social workers seem to think it’s impossible to find families for teenagers. They need better training.

I feel like our community is struggling with a very serious problem. This is supposed to be a subreddit for foster parents, foster kids, and other people associated with the system. We are not r/Adoption, and we shouldn't be sounding or acting like we are. The purpose of the foster system is to provide a safe, supportive environment for kids who are going through something terrible, UNTIL their parents are able to provide that environment again. If that's not the first priority for you in every placement, you're just not really helping. True, sometimes parents aren't ever able to reach that point, but studies show that the long-term outcomes for foster children who are placed in kinship care are substantially better than those in traditional foster care. They are less likely to have behavioral problems, which should in and of itself be enough.

When you oppose a kinship placement, you are weighing the short-term trauma of the child against their long term benefit. Whenever you are making a choice like that, it is critical that you avoid allowing your emotions to weigh in, yet time and time again we see well-meaning foster parents in this sub reflexively choosing the side that they want, that is easiest emotionally for them. You must question your own biases, your own assumptions and thought processes.

It is simply not a question. Children who are in kinship care have increased placement stability, higher levels of permanency, better behavioral and mental health outcomes, are less likely to become disconnected with siblings, and are simply less traumatized long term. Being a foster parent is hard, I know, but part of the reason it is hard is that our job is to jump in with both feet, to love these kids as if they were our own, and to deal with it when they move on.

R/Adoption is full of stories of adoptees who felt disconnected, unwelcome, "otherised" or a multitude of other problems. These are, for the most part, people who were adopted in infancy or toddlerhood and who didn't face serious trauma in their birth homes. It seems silly to assume that the homes of foster parents are significantly better in some way than the homes of adoptive parents, so if their children are experiencing these serious outcomes, it’s ludicrous to think that children in our homes will not. Our homes, no matter how hard we try, lack a familial connection. We can't ignore the fact that our culture emphasizes the importance of these bonds, they appear throughout our media, and children in foster care will notice. We simply cannot supercede these problems by loving the kids more, providing them with better support, or any other way. Our ceiling as caregivers for these children is simply lower than that of people who can explain how they are related, who share a familial history. We are never going to be able to maintain their sense of place the way that relatives, even distant ones, can.

I implore all of you, set aside your emotions, your goals, the feelings you have and the ones that you project onto the children you care for. Support the long term benefit of these children over your own short term feelings, or even theirs. If they can bond with you after being taken from their parents, they will be able to bond again. Rest easy knowing that you did a great thing for those children over the short term, that you made a hard situation easier. That is the reward you have earned, the reward that you deserve. If you want more than that, there are lots of children free for adoption through https://adoptuskids.org and even probably your state system. Those kids need and want a permanent home, and don't have one. Give them the energy and love that you have waiting, and let the kids who have families who want them go where they are best off.

Some reading, if you want to check my homework:

http://grandfamilies.org/Portals/0/Kinship%20Outcomes%20Review%20v4.pdf

http://grandfamilies.org/Portals/0/16-Children-Thrive-in-Grandfamilies.pdf

https://www.socialworktoday.com/archive/091613p12.shtml

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5798622/

https://www.americanbar.org/groups/public_interest/child_law/resources/child_law_practiceonline/child_law_practice/vol-36/july-aug-2017/kinship-care-is-better-for-children-and-families/

https://www.grandfamilies.org/Portals/0/CLP%20full%20kinship%20edition%20-%20julyaug2017.pdf

We’ve had two brothers (6 & 11) for about 3.5 months now. They’re our first placement and we love them so much. We told them a few weeks ago that we love them and asked if it was okay to tell them that, explaining that they didn’t have to say it back. Both of them said it was okay, but since then we’ve felt weird about telling them because we don’t want to push them. Plus they just started visits with bio parents a few days ago and there’s a lot going on with their case.

Well today 11 wanted to make “pop up” cards after homework, instead of watching TV or playing video games. He came out of his room and handed me a card that said “I love...” on the outside and “you” on a heart inside, along with a note about how we’re the best thing in their lives.

Totally made my night, week, month, and year.

For baking and pastry arts! I’m finally going to live my culinary dreams! The school has a massive lab kitchen and everything, and we learn all aspects of baking including fancy things like petit fours.

Link to full album

I’ve seen posts looking for ideas of how to prepare for a similar age range, so I thought I’d share our setup as we're about to be licensed next month. I wasn’t sure if this would be more applicable here another sub, but this sub seems to have more lurking prospective foster parents so I hope it’s OK to post even though I’m not *quite* a foster parent myself yet. I’ve been a GAL/CASA so I have experience seeing how other foster parents do things.

Interior decorating is a huge hobby of mine so I had a lot of fun setting up this space. I’m not a parent yet so take all this with a grain of salt of course. But I have done a lot of research into preparing for foster care and kids organization, so I hope this might be helpful to someone.

I tried to go for something minimal yet fun and welcoming. I focused on flexible decor, furniture, and storage. For example:

Beds can be stacked into bunk beds

Picture ledges let books double as decor

Furniture & bedding is basic and neutral but can be jazzed up with decor

Bedding

I went with neutral comforters and fun patterned sheets. That way each kid can chose their own sheets to customize the space. I have a few options (I tried to find gender neutral stuff like planets, whales, & dinos!) and we can buy specific ones for each kid to suit their interests & favorite characters to personalize their space in the future.

Most of these sheets are from Target Pillowfort (purchased when they had a big sale), white background, and 100% cotton, so I hope they will hold up better to stains & many washes over time. (???)

Zippered waterproof mattress cover and a backup mattress pad + plain fitted sheet underneath.

Colorful blankets on top add a pop of color but could be swapped out with a new blanket to add a personal touch.

Closet/Clothing

Flexible closet space with low hooks and drawers that can be rearranged for a variety of needs. High shelves hold clothing storage bags (Ikea LACKISAR… these are fantastic) for clothing reserves.

I purchased a handful of clothing items just for fun. Mostly things that were end-of-season clearance that I personally just really loved. Totally not necessary but I had fun with it.

I bought one or two sets of PJs for most sizes in our age range as well as a few bags of socks. I would’ve bought underwear and pull-ups too but sizes, styles, & preferences vary so much I figure that will just have to be something we purchse on day one with each new placement.

Bedside table area

• Nightlight/white noise machine (Amazon)

• Alarm clock

• Magnets so they can put up photos and stuff

• Closed storage to store personal belongings

• Wall lamps

• Cordless blinds

Bathroom/First Aid

This is by no means complete but here are a few items I’ve prepared:

• Bath toys

• Toothpaste & toothbrush options

• Suction hooks and suction bathtub caddies so the height can be adjusted (Ikea TISKEN)

• Lice kit

• Basic first aid. Children’s medicine for a headache or stomach ache.

Toys

Toys will be mostly in the living room since that makes more sense with our house layout and lifestyle. We don’t have an extra room for a playroom but I turned our kitchen breakfast nook into a play nook with a fluffy rug and Kallax cubbies.

All of these toys are hand-me-downs or were purchased from fb marketplace, thrift stores, & scouting out the best black friday sales online. I tried to stock up on toys that are gender neutral and work for a wide age range. I also have a closet full of art supplies. Not pictured because it’s a mess right now lol.

I’m particularly excited about some of these kid friendly board games. We’re big tabletop fans and some of these games look like a great way to get little kids interested in games and learn healthy conflict management skills. I’ve heard good things about the co-op games for kids like this one from Peaceable Kingdom.

Lastly I have a stuffed animal bin for each new kid to choose from. I’ve been collecting these from Five Below, Ikea, or Walmart (Valentine’s Day gift section) for $5 or less.

Final side note: I avidly avoided anything featuring licensed characters or highly specific hobbies. That's because I want each child to be able to express themselves through their interests and specifically pick out things related to their hobbies & favorite characters themselves.

This is just how I'm choosing to prepare and certainly isn't a one-size-fits-all approach for everyone. But I hope it is helpful and gives some inspiration to someone! I had a lot of fun with this and can’t wait to get our licensing finished up this month.

Edit: formatting/typos