Any suggestions welcomed because I'm so lost.

My 4 children were removed Feb 2024. We've just finished the welfare hearing and they are staying in long term foster care. There still things happening to hopefully get the order discharged in the future but there no guarantee of that.

I dont know what to do with my life, I'm disabled and dont work, I dont have friends (i lost my only friend when the children were taken). I have mental health problems that im working on but they make it hard to be sociable.

I just seem to exist at home waiting until the next time I see the kids. No amount of hobbies or projects leaves me fulfilled. It's been over 2 years and I'm still just waiting to see them. Every week, every day, its just the same the same the same.

Most help available seems to be aimed at carers, children or families of adopted children. I dont even know where to look or who to ask for advice on how to live a life I dont want without the only people I need in it.

Is there anyone here who was given up for adoption because you are a product of r@pe?? I saw a post from a woman who gave birth to TWO VERY UNwanted children after being gRap&d when she was young, do you know someone who was born out of grape???

Hi all, I work in marketing for a small independent fostering agency. I’m not here to recruit anyone, and I won’t name the agency or link to anything. We want to understand what genuinely matters to carers, both when you’re first looking into fostering and once you’re approved.

Answer as many or as few as you like. Rants are welcome too.

When you were first looking into it:

1. What made you start seriously thinking about fostering? Was there a moment that tipped it from “maybe one day” into actually enquiring?

2. How did you decide between your local authority and an independent agency, or between different agencies? What swayed it?

3. What information did you go looking for and struggle to find?

4. Was there anything an agency or council said or did early on that put you off, or that won you over?

5. What did you worry about most before applying?

Since being approved:

1. What does good support actually look like day to day? What separates a good supervising social worker or agency from an average one?

2. What turned out to matter more (or less) than you expected when you first signed up?

3. If you’ve ever moved agencies or thought about it, what was the reason?

4. What do you wish you’d been told honestly at the start?

Thanks so much. Every answer helps, even a one liner.

I don’t really have anyone in my real life that I think understands the burden I’m taking on emotionally and financially right now. I’m the second eldest out of seven. Long story short: CPS got involved and now my two youngest siblings are the only ones left in foster care. I’m 26. I have one kid of my own. I’m being pushed to adopt them out. I pushed back because I don’t have the financial means. Now it’s a possibility that I can foster them instead for a bit, but I need to make a change to my living situation. I currently have a 2bd. With all the kids, I’d need a larger space and it feels like I’m being priced out of everywhere. I’m also drained bc I’m in school for finance while working full time as a teacher. I know this degree will up my income but I still have two years left. I struggle with my own mental health and things are just moving so fast and slow at the same time. I can’t find any videos or information on how I should prepare or specific information about advice for elder siblings fostering their younger siblings. I spend all my time looking at new places, hoping that one will work out. I’m falling behind in class and overall I’m just tired. I just want to vent somewhere but I also want advice if anyone has any. The siblings are 6 and 10. My little one is only two.

i’m 20 years old and live in washington state, and honestly i feel completely lost when it comes to becoming independent. when i was 9 i was in foster care for a few months, and when i was 12, my sister became my legal guardian. she’s been my guardian ever since, and growing up, she’s always handled pretty much everything for me and because of that, i never really learned how to navigate things on my own, and now i’m trying to figure out how to handle my own life but genuinely don’t know where to start.

my sister receives financial assistance from the state related to being my legal guardian, but i personally don’t receive any financial support from her. i’m trying to understand what assistance i might qualify for, whether there are programs through washington dcyf, and whether my foster care history could help me qualify for anything now that i’m 20.

i really want to move out and have my own place, but i know i can’t afford to do that right now. i feel like i have no other choice but to figure something out because i want to be independent, but i don’t know how to get there. i don’t know how to find affordable housing, apply for assistance, manage everything financially, or even know who to contact.

i’m also trying to find a social worker or case manager who can help me understand my situation and guide me through everything. i don’t know if i can still get help through dcyf because i’m no longer in foster care, but my sister is still my legal guardian.

i feel like i’m starting adulthood without knowing how to do anything because i’ve always had someone else handle everything for me. i want to learn how to support myself, get my ged, find housing, and eventually move out, but i genuinely need help figuring out where to begin.

has anyone been in a similar situation? how did you start becoming independent? is there anyone in washington who can help me find a social worker, understand what assistance i qualify for, and figure out how to move out when i don’t have the financial means to do it yet?

I feel as though many children in Kinship care may not realise that they are care experienced until they are older or have reached adulthood.
Maybe this is different for those in formal arrangements, where there is a court order in place and therefore there will be some Local authority involvement.
From what I have seen - however - is that children in Kinship and even their carers don’t actually understand what it is they’re going through, and are left to fend for themselves without even any sign posting to relevant services.
Local authorities appear to be very hush hush about Kinship care statuses as though to avoid paying attention to Kinship carers and Kinship children.
I was just wondering if there was any other person that has noticed this or had a different experience.

We’re a gay couple in Maryland who have discussed being a foster family for years. We’ve done a ton of research, watched thousands of youtube clips and lurked on Reddit to become more informed. We’re not looking to start an immediate family hoping to get an infant and don’t want to breakup any families. I‘m seeing a lot of anger/resentment towards foster families here and my question is, when is it ok to be a foster family? We’re not particularly social so we’re not hoping to try to make ourselves seem like “good people” and we don’t need the money. What we do have is love and stability in our marriage, a peaceful home on a few acres and the willingness to guide a young person during the most terrible times of their lives. I would and could never say we understand what you’re going through but aren’t open minded/patient families needed?

I have always wanted to foster, since I was like 18 and followed along the Fosterhood journey (a blog from a psychologist who fostered in NYC, not sure if it still exists). I have a degree in psychology (though work in a different field now) and I’ve done a lot of research (basically watched every doco known to man, read some books, listened to podcasts, trained with a volunteer organisation to provide support for fosters, etc). I am drawn to it because I fundamentally feel like if you have the resources (financial, mental, etc) to provide a happy and healthy and stable home for a child that needs that, you should.

We recently entered a phase of life where this feels like something we could really pursue in the next year or so but one lingering concern is our dog.

I don’t care if a kid comes in and messes up my home. I do care that my dog, who is an eight year old boxer cross, is safe. He’s also family. He loves children, he’s playful but knows when to be gentle, he’s well trained. But I’ve heard pets can get in the firing line of big emotions.

So I’d like to know about your experiences with foster kids and your animals, please? Are there ages that would be more or less receptive to learning to co-exist (even care for) a dog? Have you ever had a foster child who benefited from having companionship with a dog? I’m open to both positive and negative stories, and would appreciate any advice.

We are a white family with a ton of privilege living on indigenous land, in a primarily indigenous community. We have an extra bedroom, I only work during school hours and we love being parents.

This summer we almost took in two of my daughters friends, but they ended up in a placement that could support more of their cultural connections.

That series of interactions with family services really opened our eyes to the need for safe homes in our community and has left all 3 of us (me, husband and 8F daughter) wanting a bigger family.

I was the only bio kid in a foster home and was frequently told "they need us to love them, you are fine" to shut down my big feelings around our family..my parents were known to take all the foster kids to an amusement park but send me to a babysitter etc. So I know what type of parent I don't want to be....

Unrelated to fostering, I've started taking a couple kiddos swimming with my daughter and I twice a week. They're polite and kind kids, and can only get in the pool if they have an adult with them, and my daughter is busy playing with her friends so it made sense.

However, it has brought up BIG feelings for my daughter around me spending attention on other kids, and not being 100% focused on her. She feels jealous and worried I will love the other kids more.

We'll be chatting about it with her counsellor, but I'd love perspectives (other than my parents) on how to navigate this. If just a couple of swims a week is so hard, I wouldn't want to bring kids into the family and have them feel pushed out by my daughter. We've talked about how her room would be her 100% only hers safe space, she has a couple of aunties that have said their guest rooms are open whenever she needs a break, she says she wants siblings to play with....but it's going to be hard and I am just stuck on the edge of sounding like my parents with "come on kid, these kids need a safe space".

We get mod mail asking for permission for research posts very often, and it led me thinking.. do you all enjoy those research posts? Are they informative, helpful, etc? Or, are they spammy/annoying? I strive to keep our subreddit geared to everyone in the foster system.. I personally do not like them. I do not like approving them.

But, I’d like to ask you all. Do you want them to be allowed on our sub?

To start with some background information, I have a pretty good relationship with my parents they love me to death and I love them, they never abused me, they never intentionally hurt me, they always look for my best interest and are always there for me and always willing to support me and whatever decisions I make. However I ended up in foster care at 16 almost 17 and I am now living in a group home in Alabama. I'm 18 currently, a senior in highschool, I have an internship at a local law firm, I have a job, and I am borrowing a car from my group home to drive everywhere. I worked since last spring and saved up about 6000 dollars. The insurance that my group home uses for the car they are letting me drive is strict and wont allow me to drive it to a different city where I'm going to college so I have been looking to buy a car for myself, but my dad has been wanting to give me his 2013 Mazda CX 5 sport for a while but the title was in pawn. I sent him 2000 on cash app to get it out of pawn so he can put my name on it. My new caseworker found out and started criticizing me for trusting him that he will actually give it to me and saying that he was just using me. She threatened to take my phone (which I pay for myself) if I contacted my parents unsupervised (I have to be supervised with my parents for "safety reasons") this happened earlier this week and I cried myself to sleep that night because ever since the beginning they made my parents look like villains since the beginning but that was the final straw for me and I'm sick of it. I would trust my dad with my beating heart in his hands and he has never abused me or anything of that nature, whatever "safety reasons" they are concerned about is beyond me. I plan on leaving the system and I have several plans to do so:

1. Ask my parents to move to my city and I get emancipated so I can still go the same highschool without having my senior year disrupted in a major way but I may miss out on the fostering hope scholarship which would allow me to go to college for free

2. Wait until I graduate and run away to Georgia where the legal adult age is at 18 and not 19 like in Alabama. I'm not sure if legally I will be treated like an adult in Georgia or as a minor since I would have run away from Alabama so anyone with legal knowledge please explain how that would work. (With this plan I can still technically qualify for the fostering hope scholarship since I will graduate highschool while in foster care)

3. Last plan technically isn't running away because it involves me just telling DHR I'm done when I turn 19, by then I will be an adult (in Alabama)

If you don't have advice, and just words of encouragement I would be appreciate anything.

At 16, I went no contact with my abusers. Despite having legal documentation of the abuse, I was the one who lost my home, freedom, and entire family. The next three years were spent bouncing between homelessness, foster homes, group homes, rehabs, and more abusive situations.

Twenty years later, I started going through my old DSS records to piece together a timeline for therapy. Somehow, that turned into a 400-page memoir full of dark humor, systemic criticism, and surprisingly wonderful memories.

One thing that really struck me was the language used to describe me in my case notes. Reading how professionals interpreted my behavior, knowing what I was actually experiencing at the time, was eye-opening.

I also found myself remembering the adults who genuinely helped me, often through the smallest gestures.

For foster parents, former foster youth, and caseworkers, I'm curious: how much do you think the language in a child's records influences the way subsequent caregivers and professionals perceive and treat them?

I wonder how differently things might have gone if more people had looked beyond what was written about me.

I’m getting my first apartment soon and I’m 18 and a former foster youth I have something called an FYI voucher and it pays 70% of my rent and I pay 30% which is 450 and that leaves me with 150 for myself because I get paid 600 each pay check do you guys have any tips on making more money so I have more for food and stuff

An Adoptee Remembrance Day Exclusive:

They promised a forever home. They didn't mention the pipeline to institutional care when it breaks.

Adoptees make up roughly 2% to 3% of the U.S. child population. Yet, look inside residential treatment centers, psychiatric facilities, and congregate care, and you will find them filling 25% to 40% of the beds.

Everybody says they want the data. Here is the brutal truth. Data is lacking and it always will be when our identities are legally erased the exact second an adoption is finalized.

Look at the landmark Pear study revealing an exponentially higher suicide rate among adopted individuals.

People demand answers and ask for the numbers, but how can we track a crisis or hold anyone accountable when the state seals the original records, wipes our history clean, and blocks the truth at every turn?

How does a child go from a finalized adoption to locked down behavioral programs, group homes, and state custody re-entry?

And why does the system suddenly act like they never existed?

It is called administrative data erasure.

Once an adoption is finalized, original birth records are sealed, and the legal machinery wipes the slate clean. When adoptions collapse, these youth are not tracked as adoptees anymore, they are cataloged generically as wards of the state, completely shielding the adoption industry from breakdown statistics and lifetime tracking.

There will never be accurate numbers, true oversight, or real answers until the laws change. Until original birth certificates are unsealed and systemic identity erasure is stopped, this entire system operates in the dark.

The myth is happily ever after. The reality is a silent, systemic pipeline and nobody is talking about where these children end up.

Read the full piece and unmask the system:

🔗 https://adopteeremembranceday.substack.com/p/unmasking-the-systemic-pipeline-why

#AdopteeRemembranceDay #Adoptee #adopted #Adoption #fostercare #troubledteen

Hi everyone,

I am recruiting participants for a research study examining the mental health of Foster Care children who have aged out of the system. Participants will not be asked for personal information or experiences; rather, they will be asked about general opinions and perspectives from their experience as Foster Care children. If you or anyone you know may be interested in participating or in hearing more information about the study, please respond to the form linked below.

Thanks for the consideration!

Any of you "beat the odds"?

If you what do you do for a career?

This can show other foster kids/former foster kids hope to beat the odds despite getting dealt a tougher beginning in life.

Source: https://www.aecf.org/blog/foster-care-education-outcomes-new-research-challenges-the-3-myth

UPDAT­ED DATA ON FOS­TER YOUTH EDUCATION

The Sec­ondary and Post­sec­ondary Edu­ca­tion Out­comes of Stu­dents with Expe­ri­ence in Fos­ter Care study, led by Nathanael Okpych of the Uni­ver­si­ty of Con­necti­cut, is the most com­pre­hen­sive review in a gen­er­a­tion. It found:

Fos­ter youth high school grad­u­a­tion: 69%–85% com­plete a high school diplo­ma or GED com­pared to 95% of young peo­ple overall.

**Fos­ter youth post­sec­ondary edu­ca­tion enroll­ment:**29%–64% enroll in col­lege or oth­er post­sec­ondary programs.

Fos­ter youth col­lege com­ple­tion: 8%–12% earn a two- or four-year degree by their mid- to late 20s. By con­trast, about 49% of young adults in the gen­er­al pop­u­la­tion com­plete a degree — a five-fold difference.

I'm a single mom of a 13yo boy. I work from home, so I'm requesting an elementary school age male. Or possibly siblings. My son doesn't really want to, but he's very easy going and adaptes to everything. Is this something he should be 100% on board with (like spouses)? This is something I've been thinking about for about a year now.

I'll try not to be redundant of what's already been posted. I'm really curious about past foster kids answers.

Everyone talks about accepting the kids as they are, which I agree with, but where does discipline come into play? Do the same rules apply to fosters as bio kids? For example, with my kids, disrespecting adults, including me, has consequences (grounding, privileges taken away, etc). Is that not something to be corrected in a foster because of their trauma? This somewhat makes it seem like an acceptable behavior if it's not corrected.

Is there a 'honeymoon' period with fosters at the beginning? If so, wouldn't getting my toes wet doing respite care not really be a true indicator of what it's really going to be like after the children are more comfortable?

I'm still in the background check stage, so I haven't done any training yet. Just stalking websites and forums. Are there any reading materials/websites that helped you?

I guess those are the only two I can think of at the moment. I'm sure more with be raised with the answers received.

What motivated you to finish school and or get a job?

What support could someone have given you to make it easier?

If you had a hard time keeping a job what motivated you to keep trying or what happened to change the pattern?

I'm going to try and explain my situation as best I can, but it's a lot so buckle up. I'm a 17 year old girl who lives in Kentucky (18 in 5 months). My parents and I have always had a rocky relationship, but over the past 6 months I wanna say, it's gotten significantly worse. My dad was arrested for DV towards me and spent the night in jail. We have upwards of 5 CPS cases. I'm currently enrolled in an outpatient program connected to a residential/inpatient that I discharged from about a month and a half ago. Here's where the question comes in: About 3 weeks ago, I got a call from a lawyer stating that when I was discharging from the residential/inpatient my parents signed a petition with the "Cabinet" for me to be removed from the home. My lawyer told me that the Cabinet doesn't have sufficient ground to remove me from the home, and they also have no placement for me. Her plan is, on the 28th (our court date), to advocate for my parents custody to be terminated and I become a state kid, but I still remain in the home. She told me she thinks this is a good idea because it will provide me more resources. The problem I'm having right now, is I cannot continue living in this home. Everyday its something new. I understand the state doesn't have immediate placement right now, but I cant live in this environment any longer and I'm scared I'm not going to have a say in what happens to me/where i go. What I really need help understanding is how I can advocate for myself and get the court to take my need to be removed seriously. What should I tell my lawyer to help advocate for myself? Is there anything I can ask my lawyer to do or bring up in court to advocate for removal? Could I request a foster home or another safe living arrangement? Are there other scenarios I could talk to my lawyer about? Thank you in advance.

My daughter, who is now officially a teen, still doesnt know who I am.............

Semi open in court means after the decision, its up to you to decide that childs best interests..

She like the singers Pink and Billie Elish, Swimming frequently on vacations, and enjoys running??? Really ....

Wow, they tell me SO MUCH (she says with extreme sarcasm)

.. allow her to write me for the first time, TWO years ago!? after finding out dyslexia is hereditary..... nothing!? That should have been disclosed prior right???? But not by ME you asshat . Catching up yet? Asking questions yet? Its up to the agency . But really.. go ahead and find out for yourself. U dont want contant with me, obviously. Cant keep me informed, not even once a year?! screw off then. Stop wasting my time with false hope. I told Wendy I've had it .

"Semi Open" ... Semi Open apparently means 》maybe send an update once a year, maybe not .

》Maybe find out important medical history LATER and go on another vacation.

She said she was curious, that should have been enough but its not? F off then.

Canada is the only country that didn't apologize in September for forced adoption.... maybe cause it still exists . Especially in the foster care systems.

i usually do the angel tree through salvation army every year but this year i chose a charity that partners with foster kids for christmas presents. i am getting the girl i picked everything on her list. however i was thinking about getting her a foldable duffle bag in her favorite color as well. i have no personal experience with foster care in any capacity and i am a chronic overthinker. i was concerned that this may hurt her feelings. i hear things about kids showing up to placements with garbage bag and my idea was to give her something nicer if this were to happen however as someone who hasn’t been in this situation i would hate for this to come across the wrong way. if you were in this situation would you have found it hurtful for helpful? she’s twelve if that changes anything for you

edit: i was thinking about getting her a book but she’s quite below grade level and im not sure if i should leave it alone. so any opinions on that would be great too!

Hey guys so Im going to start by saying please forgive me for my poor grammar and lack of punctuation.

Yesterday was my 17th birthday and tonight I just got back from staying over at a guy I’m seeings house and I couldn’t help but just hysterically cry because currently I’m in foster care and I graduated a year early so Ive started college and I’m dorming to escape having to stay in a group home which is being paid for by foster care and fasfa/tap, right now I’m not struggling for anything but I fear for what’s going to happed when I age out of care. I don’t come from a good family and my parents live paycheck to paycheck in government housing with my two siblings 19 and 8, my sister tried going the college route too but she ended up having to drop out because our family couldn’t afford it and is now about 7k in debt and working as a hha and splitting the check with our disabled dad. Our physically and emotionally abusive mom is making it extremely hard for her to save up and move out because she’s making her pay all of these expenses suddenly and she’s paying loans off. We have no other family that is doing well or been to college and they also live in government buildings and receive assistance so I have no role models or someone to look up to/ show me how to move in life. My fear is that I’m going to get trapped in this cycle of poverty as well and it makes me so scared because I don’t want to fail I’ve lived in this situation with them for 16 years before being voluntarily placed in foster care for running away and it was horrible, infestations and eating from food pantry’s.

Now I know I still have a year left until I age out of foster care but I don’t know what I’m going to do after that because my only options are either going to live with my parents again and hoping to save enough to move into a small apartment on my own or getting assigned a government apartment from the state because of foster care. I think I will be able to continue school because I chose a very inexpensive one but I’m terrified of going back to live in that situation. When I look around at my family I know it’s horrible but I feel so embarrassed and often lie about where I live because I fear being made fun of. I don’t know what to do anymore I’m trying my hardest in college but I don’t want to live paycheck to paycheck and struggle in life worrying about what I’m going to eat or if I can afford my next bill living that kind of life just feels so hopeless

Can everyone give an (15 year old) advice on getting emancipated. I already have a plan, but me and my grandmother made a bet about me getting a job. But I have to wait 40 days, I have to be great in school with great behavior. She’s willing to let me get emancipated. I plan on doing hair, nails, eyelashes, eyebrows and some more. I NEED ADVICE!!! (I don’t know how Reddit work, so I added foster care and foster youth).

In my experience there has always been a massive wall between the foster care community and the adoption world, mostly because adoption is always painted as a permanent happy ending while foster care carries the reality of systemic failure.

But so many adoptees who experience adoption dissolution end up right back tossed into the state system, institutionalized, or pushed into residential treatment and the troubled teen industry, even homelessness only to be completely erased by both sides.

I am curious if anyone in this community has noticed initiatives like Adoptee Remembrance Day - October 30th starting to shine a light on these exact overlaps, adoptees who end up abandoned, institutionalized, or forced back into wards of the state.

For those of you with foster or disruption backgrounds, how do you feel about these overlapping realities finally getting talked about?

So I have been disabled all of my life. I was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD at a young age, an anxiety disorder, tachycardia, a blood clotting disorder, a sleep disorder, Bipolar disorder with psychosis, urinary issues [require a catheter sometimes], a speech impediment, arthritis, nerve damage, chronic ear pain, gastrointestinal issues, have had seizures before, etc. I have been in a hospital maybe 30 times by now? I had one surgery in June, will be having another one tomorrow and then another one in November. I have had at least one surgery every year since 2020. I take a minimum of 7 medications a day, more when my illnesses get worse. I go through phases where my issues are bearable and I can work, and sometimes I can’t work. I am 27 so “old enough” to not qualify for any help. However, my health issues get progressively worse as I age, and eventually I probably won’t be able to work, so I will need to get on SSDI.

The issue is I have no support system, I have no parents, family or friends that I can live with. I have been homeless a lot as a teenager and then later as an adult when my health was bad so I couldn’t afford rent. Where am I supposed to go once I can’t work and can’t afford rent? I am tired of being homeless and don’t want to go through that again. Also, medical expenses are killing me, but I make “too much” for medi-cal.

For those of you that were in foster care and are disabled, how do you survive? Where do you live?