Initially, I wrote this as a response to the following post, but I made it a separate post since it got way too long: (“Anyone with an INFJ?”)
My whole life, I have been a very textbook INTP, and sometime, I was with a very textbook INFJ. On paper… I frankly don’t think that pair works very well because the number one pitfall in relationships is the ability to navigate its storms—and the way our functions are set up means that when you are harmonious, it is lovely and indisputably real, and strong.
However, when you are in disharmony, our cognitive functions are in such an order that it’s easy to start the relationship spiral and fail from there. In theory, it can be saved from dissolution, and I’m of the strong belief it can be prevented entirely, but it requires prior knowledge and understanding of this from both parts.
And I’ll be real with you—as much as I wish we could go without it, INTPs are frankly too naturally stupid with these matters (that Ti-Si library and its Ne-Fe offshoots cannot always save you) to be able to do this reliably without that prior knowledge. And while I also wish this sort of thing could be mended on our side alone, the INFJ also needs to be in a place to be willing to understand why any of this matters.
Both the knowledge and understanding is needed. Otherwise, both of you will be blindsided if anything happens, and to navigate without these will either take an immense amount of experience or maturity (typical of people past middle age) or a miracle in and of itself.
Let me just try to explain.
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INTP Cognitive Functions
Most Conscious, AKA The Ego (“Self” or “Identity”)
Ti (Hero/Dominant) | Ne (Parent/Auxiliary) | Si (Child/Tertiary) | Fe (Inferior/Aspirational)
Most Unconscious, AKA The Shadow
Te (Nemesis) | Ni (Critical Parent) | Si (Blind Spot/Trickster) | Fi (Demon)
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INFJ Cognitive Functions
Most Conscious, AKA The Ego (“Self” or “Identity”)
Ni (Hero/Dominant) | Fe (Parent/Auxiliary) | Ti (Child/Tertiary) | Se (Inferior/Aspirational)
Most Unconscious, AKA The Shadow
Ne (Nemesis) | Fi (Critical Parent) | Te (Blind Spot/Trickster) | Si (Demon)
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I’ll use different terms for the functions depending on which aspect of them I’d like to emphasize, for example, Hero vs Dominant, or Inferior vs Aspirational.
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The Meaning of INFJ’s Ni Hero
The prophetic aspect of Ni hero, truly is strange and observable by outsiders. There are too many times it works to deny it—the INFJ I knew did not use Ni to throw possibilities out and see which one sticks. They literally just say it once like magic, and it plays out like that:
INFJ: “(Last night) I dreamt that I couldn’t speak and you were looking for me. I kept trying to mouth it out and while I was passing by people, they couldn’t hear me. When you saw me, you asked me who I am.” (Ni dominant)
This was said at essentially, the very start of the relationship. It ended much later, over matters of identity and unfairness, aka inequality. “Who are you?” was absolutely the correct question at the root of the matter that’s been mentioned since the start.
INTP: “I don’t really know you.” I know too little, and if I look at other people I know, then there’s a clear difference in the amount of data… (Observation and comparison, Ti dominant, Si tertiary)
INFJ: “You know me better than anyone else.” (Fe auxiliary, Ti tertiary)
I didn’t even know their favorite food. Just favorite drinks and comfort foods. For the favorite, it’s a variety, but I’m still not sure… I have straight-up asked though.
I’m not sure how they do it, but INFJs seem to have this (well-documented online) ability to avoid answering questions related to them while continuing the conversation with a focus on the other person. I think that, maybe they feel like they’ve answered it… but I’m not entirely certain. Sometimes, Fe inferior can stop me from asking again, but other times, I also don’t even realize it hasn’t been answered when the answer to that question comes up because it’s needed (“I’ll cook his favorite food”) and the data is just entirely missing (“… I don’t know what that is”).
At that point, it’s easy to adapt (“Well, I know he likes this and that, so I’ll just make this…”) but we often ask straight, to get straight answers. In the cases of relationships, it’s likely and especially done to be able to adapt to the other person better. There is a slight discomfort in knowing that some things are never answered, as knowledge is somewhat tied to our inner security.
Judging functions are about reasoning and control, and ours is the very first one—Ti hero. So, INTPs can often come across as more laid-back outwardly, but we are more judgmental on the inside. It is the reverse for INFJs—they may not say much and look very serious, but their dominant function is Ni, which is perceiving and observational.
Regardless, when an INFJ says that you know them best, they meant it as you do “know” them. However, you shouldn’t take it as that. When INTPs trust someone, it’s easy to trip into the pitfall that someone’s words are always fact—we value their words and opinions a lot, and there is purity in that trust. However, people (including us) can be very often wrong and INFJs enjoy riding their feelings.
In the objective world, it meant “I am so happy and safe! You will know me completely (over time).” The INFJ did not know that their words were literally a mismatch for the premise—because they’re not wrong, just inaccurate. What they said is “true”, they just didn’t describe it well. Feelings are also a reasoning function, after all.
Don’t take it as fact, rather just adjust your approach. You will need to read into the root of their words. They literally just feel like you know them because they are immensely reserved and don’t share themselves like that with people. They genuinely think that the minimal amount of information they’ve given you (which is more than they’ve given anyone else in their entire lives) is enough for you to accurately AI generate the entire meaning of themselves as a person.
Well… I mean, if any type can do that, it can be us. But this magic “woo-woo” (as one commenter so perfectly put it) honestly needs a true depth of understanding and comprehension because it’s in every aspect of their lives, and they don’t Te auxiliary it out like INTJs. They have Fe auxiliary, they don’t want—they need, to be seen and understood. They will say “want” because they’re nice, but it’s a need. You should be able to give that.
I’ve found that it’s entirely possible for us to connect to their Ni, although we have Ni critical parent (which can actually be positive or negative). It doesn’t often manifest well without understanding it, because again, by nature of its role, it tends to come unconsciously for us, in stress. I would imagine we are absolutely terrible at explaining it because the only way I could figure out how is, “It feels wrong,” “It looks distorted,” or “I know it’s not right.”
“Vibes” have a tendency to sound absolutely dumb and irrational, instead of beautiful, when they’re described by those who do not know how to use them.
It’s truly hard to describe, but in dark times, the world literally becomes dark. Ni is very visually-tied. For me, there was a vignette, a faint distortion of everything in the mental-visual field of view. Initially, I only realized it was there when I was out of it, like, “What? Was my vision always this clear?” The more it’s stress-tested with a bit of awareness, the more identifiable it is when it comes on. You can take that Ni distortion as your warning to start moving towards your conscious functions again.
When I think of how INFJs can see the world this way in every aspect, not just in pain but in beauty, it is extremely profound and expanded what felt to be my literal brain, in such a massive way. The INFJ gave me a playlist once, and I thought I understood it. When I truly tapped into Ni while listening to it, through my want to connect with Fe, well. I’ve never tripped on shrooms, but I imagine that’s how it would feel like—everything is in everything. Never has the world been more beautiful.
I understand that Ni is both an observational process and a lens (the “subjective” intuition), but you can tell the difference when they’re hurt and the Si demon comes in to color everything. It doesn’t mean you should push them to change that, but rather just draw the distinction and use it to understand their troubles better.
The INFJ does not need to know, to know. At the same time, sometimes, there are things they really do not know. On top of that, there are times they don’t know that they don’t know and are using Ni hero to forge ahead anyway.
The best way is to take an editor’s approach—why did they feel this way? What did they want to reach? They usually just mean well (unhealthy ones to be taken into consideration, of course) so trust their voice, then trust your ability to distinguish, and gently lead them into another direction that will more easily get them the outcome they want. Don’t doubt them, but also don’t doubt yourself. You are also coming from somewhere with Ti hero, and to throw that out is to throw your tools to handle most situations away.
I’ve also come to understand that Ni is an INFJ’s “gut feeling”. It can apparently be very discernible and manifest as an instinctual, physical, bodily reaction.
INFJ: “I know it’s strange, but (…) every now and then, I get a distinct, visceral gut reaction when something happens.” (Ni dominant)
Ni is the function closest to the unconscious, and for it to be harnessed in the conscious mind is something genuinely incredible. It means a lot to INFJs, because they do strongly trust it, since it has helped them navigate through their entire life much like our Ti.
Now… Ni is very future-oriented. When an INFJ tells you that they see you in their future—even moreso if they have put aside a place for you in the literal rest of their lives, that is the biggest deal. It doesn’t matter how fast it happens, when they feel it, they trust it, and that is everything to them.
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INFJ’s Fe Parent vs INTP’s Fe Inferior
There is a great opportunity to learn a lot and flourish the relationship from here if both of you are aware it’s best at a teacher-student dynamic, where the INFJ will teach and the INTP can learn.
I’ve seen it in action while both of us were unaware of it, like this:
INFJ: “(She) is very generous, I don’t like it sometimes.”
INTP: “I see, what’s wrong with that?”
INFJ: “She can’t say no to (other people). I just don’t like that sometimes it comes at the cost of (those that should come first).” (Responsibility, Fe parent)
INTP: “But, I kind of understand that… (After all, I also find it hard to say no to people.)” (Unsaid, Fe aspirational)
Because of their roles, you need to remember that at our best (so when the INTP doesn’t hate the world), our Fe is aspirational. As in, we admire it and want to do better, but have a difficult time doing so because of the way we process everything. In this case, the INFJ’s Fe parent is amazing and admirable. They use it very responsibly. That’s exactly how we want to learn to use it.
You will not typically see clashes here for a somewhat developed pair, because INTP and INFJ typically share the same altruism for the world and for people, it’s just that all types have a love/hate relationship with their inferior function because of various reasons related to our ability to use it. For INTPs, that reason is about incompetency (“I wish that I could say this better…”) while for INFJ Se inferior, it’s about falling short of their ability to materialize ideas and ideals (“I want to be able to make this…”)
Another thing with the love/hate relationship with the inferior—for INTP, although we appreciate the human side, it’s also easy to fear people and develop paranoia, because Fe is so entwined with social dynamics. It has a very strong impact on lives, because, well, we are surrounded by people. Objectively, people are important and they have the ability to powerfully influence the outer world in a way that touches beyond anything that can be controlled.
I don’t think the INFJ will really understand what it truly means to us unless they have the knowledge equipped of why we find it important in this way, and an INTP may not know how to explain it in a way that’s understandable either. So while this can be a strength where the INFJ can lead and strong-arm in place of the INTP, like so:
INTP: “I feel so ashamed. I can’t go outside. I can’t talk to them about this.” (Crippling shame, Fe inferior)
INFJ: “I also feel shame, but the difference is that it doesn’t cripple me. I’ll take care of this for you.” (Responsibility, Fe parent)
… It can also give way to a dislike of how things are handled and a disconnection in understanding:
INTP: “Someone just messaged me out of nowhere after (bad thing happened), they’re trying to dig something up…” (Paranoia, Fe inferior)
INFJ: “(Silence)… It’s probably just a coincidence.” (Slightly bothered, reassurance, Fe parent)
In this case, turning back to Ti hero can be difficult. We do feel things and trust certain others’ opinions, and because of that, concrete reassurance is important. (“It’s a coincidence, because… here is the concrete data.”) In places where it’s difficult to get, just do your best to remove yourself from the situation for a bit. It’s usually not that urgent where a few hours will change things. In the case that it is, our Se trickster can come in, but I’ll get to that later.
If you can, disengage with Ti hero here, and Ni critical parent, because otherwise in that time you spend taking yourself away, there’s a possibility to just ruminate and feel even worse. Ideally, just feed your Ne auxiliary with something (Look, there’s a YouTube video on music theory with a clickbait title. Or, what if you did try to learn Latin? Yes, now. Open that webpage.) or alternatively, comfort yourself with Si child (a book you like to read, your favorite comfort food or drink, etc).
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INTP’s Ne Parent vs INFJ’s Ne Nemesis
The “responsible” function for INTP is Ne, and INFJs have it in themselves to have a distaste for this, as they have Ne nemesis. Aside from the definitions we already have of the nemesis function, I’d like to emphasize that the reason it is the “nemesis” (“the rival that cannot be overcome”) for any type is because it is the reversed nature of our dominant function.
After all, Ti and Te are both Thinking. In order to use that, you have to step away from the Feeling functions, and vice versa. It’s the reason why the inferior function is so difficult to grapple with for most people. I’ve noticed from the INFJ that it’s basically the same with Intuition and Sensing—the impression or synthesis, vs the concrete or here-and-now, and the reason the disconnect is so pronounced is because it’s our Dominant vs Inferior (or Demon, which I’ll get into later).
Out of everything, we first naturally prefer to use our dominant function. Since we use it so much, we understand why it’s useful—well, why don’t we use the nemesis then? If we use thinking so much, fellow INTPs, wouldn’t it be easy to use Te?
You know very well how easy it is to use, we’re not averse to looking at outside data. The reason it’s our nemesis is because we have a distaste for using it and are pointedly aware of its flaws in comparison to our dominant function. For us, I like to believe there is value in the subjective experience, in both thinking (Ti hero) and feeling (Fe aspirational). We don’t like seeing it in others because it’s a little bit wrong to sling it around—Te can be truly brutal and blind in its objectivity. Don’t worry, I’m sure we look just as ridiculous to Te doms.
I have a feeling it is the same for INFJs. They have a distaste for Ne, and the flaws are likely that it seems a bit flighty and unfocused when they want to focus on the heart of the matter and understand properly:
INTP: “(Talks, feeling like it’s about a singular topic, but actually bringing other offshoots into it. This may have taken two minutes.)” (Ne auxiliary)
INFJ: “Hang on a second, I didn’t follow that.” (Ni hero, Ne nemesis)
It’s actually possible to see this from our side with a Ne dominant, because we use Ne more “responsibly”:
ENTP: “(Bringing in several offshoots of a topic to the point it changes the subject entirely. This may also have taken at least two minutes.)” (Ne hero)
INTP: “I get (the connection), but what was the point of bringing that in?” (Ne parent)
However, our Ne auxiliary can connect with the INFJ’s Ni hero. We don’t do it the same way, but with enough data or understanding of them (manifesting the Ti-Si in combination with Ne), we can make the jump of what was in their head compared to what they said out loud. In this way, they can always be seen despite their few words.
Another way Ne parent can manifest is like this:
INTP: “You have two piggy-banks (choices). I will lay all my coins on the table, and answer all of your questions, then you can decide (on your own) where to put them.” (Ne parent)
To lay out all of the options and provide the necessary knowledge, then give the freedom of choice. We value the freedom of choice a lot for ourselves, and for others, can give the ability to make them without external pressure, as a true freedom and genuine way of love.
However, I’ve gotten the impression that INFJs don’t particularly enjoy that in a lot of situations. Of course, anyone probably wants to be free to make choices, but I believe they like having a direction to move in. In the case of our Ne parent vs their Ne nemesis, it’s just best to focus more conversationally and adapt to them. After all, we can make it a solely pleasant experience on our side by fully enjoying the challenge and flexibility of adaptation.
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INFJ’s Se Aspirational vs INTP’s Se Blind Spot
Se loves aesthetics, appreciates beauty, and physical activities like good food, or a nice workout. If they say something is pretty—that matters to them. It doesn’t matter how frequent it is, perhaps it’s just frequent because so many things are beautiful to them.
When Se is in the aspirational or inferior spot, it can also manifest as worrying about appearance (including self-image) or an unhappiness with one’s own work—perfectionism. This is more understandable when you also see that compared to INTJs, INFJs have Te blind spot. It doesn’t matter if they put their art out there and receive thousands of accolades (although they do truly appreciate them). If there’s something they’re unhappy about with it, then they wish they could have done better.
To them, with Se inferior (the unhappiness with how their own work manifests imperfectly) and Fi critical parent (the distrust of people), the act of perfection may seem like an impossible dream and an act of futility. To us, it can be a challenge that is entirely possible to portray, because we like doing new things with Ti hero and Ne auxiliary—and INFJs are normally more forgiving towards “perfection” in others until their gavel is swung. They see the beauty, until they don’t, due to Si demon.
I have reason to believe that Se can manifest as the tangibility of time. I don’t really get it either, but the INFJ would mention it as a tangible feeling. If I look at it in reverse—I can understand, because I absolutely cannot tell the time, no matter if I looked at the clock five minutes ago, or five hours ago.
I’m also of the understanding that Se can also materialize ideas into reality. In this case, I understand why the INTP gets a reputation for being a procrastination machine—always thinking, never doing. In all honesty, we can just use our other functions to “force” it. It may sound laughable, but just Ti and Fe hard enough until you realize it’s dumb to not be doing anything right now.
Again, INTP has Se blind spot. The way this can work (or the lack of it) actually crazy, although I’m sure it can manifest differently for anyone:
Even though I am an artist, my hand-eye coordination is terrible with instruments and sports. With a past partner, I’ve opened the sink to clean out all the muck while he freaked out because it smelled terrible all throughout the room, I could tell, and I mean, I didn’t really enjoy it, but I tuned out of it. Another example I’ve seen is that INTPs sometimes need to tune into a conversation happening right next to them to eavesdrop. For me, that is completely true.
If a loudspeaker starts blaring next to me for the next few minutes, I can be shocked but tune it out after a few seconds. I can also tell myself to stop feeling hungry, and I just tune that feeling out (although these may be more of a result of the Si / Se dynamic). Since I enjoy sour foods, I can happily eat a lemon straight as it burns my tongue and throat or chug half a bottle straight of its extract. (I’ve never chugged it like that again because it is bad.) Se blind spot is really unhinged, but it’s definitely still there, because strangely enough, I cannot put away my fear of bugs.
This dynamic can be a bit dangerous because once again, Se is the INFJ’s aspirational. If it can’t be felt, as long as it’s valued through the Ti hero framework you’ve built, that should be more than enough.
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The Difficulties with the Shadow
Coming off of the last section, the blind spot or trickster is named that way because we hardly have a sense for it, but it’s real and exists. So when it comes up, it can make us feel “tricked.” INTPs can feel tricked when they realize, there’s not that much time left for anything.
INFJs can feel tricked when a buttload of external data pulls up and tells them, they’re wrong. They don’t really care about that, and that’s why it can be a very sweet thing. They don’t need you to give evidence of how you feel or think, they just need your word and to feel your belief. However, like the rest of the shadow, it’s a double-edged sword. Where Se blind spot can discard the five senses, Te blind spot can discard evidence on the other side when used against you.
From my understanding, they don’t typically try to do this as they try to see where the other person is coming from. When the INFJ’s shadow functions manifest, I’ve seen that they tend to all come out together, hand-in-hand, all or nothing. This begins to make more sense when you remember that the “shadow” comes out together to protect the “ego” or “identity”, and the INFJ’s ego is often misunderstood.
In our unconscious, the trickster function typically comes out to “defend” the ego, while the demon function is what we use to “attack.” This is the last resort, instinctual, “brute-force” tactic of the types, when our other functions don’t work to solve things, and our Se-Fi combination can be exceptionally callous.
As I’ve heard, they call it the “demon” because to use it, feels so unnatural that you are selling your “soul” (or ego / identity). This description has felt true to me in both outward observation towards others, and inward reflection of my own experiences. There is a severe disconnection when I’ve engaged with Fi demon, and it is a hugely out-of-body experience. Out of control, out of reason, thoughtless, childish, and brutal. This is the nature of the 8th function, even to the INFJ’s Si demon—it’s been said that they can feel like they are “floating” and have difficulty purely engaging with Ni again.
For INTPs, even when Fi is used in a more neutral state—the disconnection is palpable and awkward, and the reversion to Ti dominant tends to happen quickly.
Ti is very important to us, but again, to use Thinking is to step away from Feeling. Both can be harnessed, but the difficulty depends on the place in the stack. INFJs double-reason: their auxiliary and tertiary is Fe and then Ti, so the switch is more natural for them.
Meanwhile, INTPs double-observe. Switching between Ne (generating possibilities) and Si (what worked in the past) is much easier than Ti and Fe. In fact, it’s more common to manifest Fe through Ti:
INFJ: “(Says something of great significance to themselves.)”
INTP: “(Oh, this means a lot because of something else INFJ mentioned in the past)… It means a lot that you told me this. I understand.” (Ti dominant, Si tertiary)
Because I’m stepping in Ti, my emotions feel so numb and weak when they occur this way. My Fe aspirational tells me that it’s horrible I don’t feel anything and need to tell my brain to give me an emotion. So great, just stop there—because when Ni critical parent comes in, it may bring in Fi demon. (“Am I not a person?”)
Then, to immerse in Fi is often to disconnect Ti. Fi can be practiced through love and continuing to try to pick out and understand your own feelings when they come up. But when you are too unsteady and unsure, you should divert to your conscious stack. Even if Ti is not often understandable to feeling types, it is not wrong, because we can more easily harness it for the best path forward for everyone involved. Also, Ti dominant means Fe aspirational—if not neutral, the reasoning is often in good faith. It blew my mind when I was a child and learned that people can just lie or say things just because.
To clarify—we do have feelings. They are just not easily picked out or sensed at all, that’s why they often come out “delayed”, with Fi last in our stack.
For Fi demon—it feels like a wall when I’m looking for it. It’s difficult to touch it, as it’s the last in the stack. I’ve often seen it described by IxTPs as “One day it just shows up and announces it’s there.” That description is so laughable. How can that be possible when everyone has feelings? But it’s true—most of the time, it genuinely feels like nothing until your insides just explode with emotion.
It’s not always anger (but that one is definitely the most destructive), it can also be good things like, happiness, love, or appreciation. One time, I got off a call from work, pulled off my headphones, and I just sat down and ugly cried for an hour, so hard I puked. The only reason I knew it was an hour is because anyone would know when their shift ends. While I was crying, I didn’t feel anything nor know why I was crying, but I couldn’t stop—it would just keep coming. After that hour I realized I was feeling gratitude for the people in my life.
That aside, Fi isn’t just inner emotions—it’s also related to self-worth. “What am I worth, what do I value?” The INTP’s values aren’t necessarily based on attachment or the Fi self, they are built over time through all four ego functions because it was logical to go there through observation. (“Being hurt feels bad -> Other people feel this too -> I don’t want to do that to other people -> It’s terrible for people to hurt others.”)
It’s easy for an INFJ to kick an INTP’s Fi (unknowingly) and Fe (knowingly). Fi can be touched on through issues of inequality (“How come when it happened to them, people thought it mattered more?”) which then touches on worth, which when repeated over time, can eventually lead to a harsh and cruel reaction—which in turn opens up your Fe to be stomped on by INFJ’s Fi critical parent, typically because they do value that a lot and don’t understand why it happens. (“Do you enjoy hurting others?”)
INFJs somewhat understand their feelings because their Feeling functions tend to be developed, and their principles are strong (but sometimes, they don’t understand how to put them into words). They do usually have developed Fi somewhat, but you need to be able to make the distinction when they’re using it over Ti, otherwise, it will really hurt Fe inferior when you take them at every word (and your functions may shift to begin defending your “ego”).
In theory, the INFJ and INTP can always connect deeply together through Fe. It loves mirroring emotions for harmony. With Fe inferior, the mirroring seems shallow and awkward (because, usually it is). Usually, it’s cute, until Ni starts saying that you may be doing it on purpose.
I’m sure that INFJs don’t typically enjoy Si demon or get gratification out of remembering things that hurt them. In that exact same manner, Fi demon is not enjoyable. It can be very thoughtless and hard to control—as it happens, you smack your hands against the wall but can’t reach Ti.
Well, should it be controlled? Yes, obviously. It’s not that INTPs should never use Fi, but they don’t typically have it properly refined. It should be practiced through better avenues, and while that is being done, the best thing is prevention in most situations. Luckily, Ti hero makes it really easy to prevent. As long as you are equipped with the adequate amount of knowledge of cause and effect, Ti-Si will usually chime in. Just listen to them.
Really, seventh and eighth Se and Fi is definitely something… to be numb to both external sensation and the feelings inside ourselves. With the demon for any type, I’ve seen that the soul can stay “sold” and the person remains unrecognizable and unhealthy for essentially the rest of time. I think that it’s best to just prevent that, as Jung believed in, by understanding yourself.
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The Meaning of the INFJ’s Door-Slam
When the door-slam happens, I’ve come to understand exactly why it is specific to INFJs. It is because of their exact function stack, and they might pull on different ones in different combinations each time, for different reasons.
Ni (Dominant) or Ne (Nemesis)
Fe (Parent) or Fi (Critical Parent)
Ti (Child) or Te (Trickster)
Se (Aspirational) or Si (Demon)
Anyway, I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all. Betrayal is an especially huge deal to INFJs because of Si demon, and it may hurt a lot for a long while. They might not say that much, but the INFJ’s hyper-empathy is real. To protect oneself from further pain is only natural—they give a lot and feel a lot.
In their own way, the INFJ is easily swayed (because they allow you to), but when they bring down a judgment, that may change for good reason. They can be more generous in sharing their love, and at the same time, they can be more selfish. I say this because, I don’t believe that selfishness is a bad trait in conjunction to preservation—and also because I don’t believe that INTPs can door-slam.
I understand the skepticism. After all, can’t anyone cut people off their lives? I surely think that it’s possible for other types especially when they harness specific functions, but it is not specifically that “door-slam” phenomenon.
How can I know? I cannot be really, truly certain, but as a textbook INTP my whole life, I found that I cannot truly “door-slam” for the same reasons an INFJ can do theirs—because of the exact function stack we have, and the roles they play. My concrete evidence is a little gruesome but it cannot possibly be more concretely tested over a length of time (at least an isolated period of five years).
It is something intolerable except to those who struggle to sense it (lack of Se and Fi). I am avoiding description, so please take my word for its validity. Our Se is so weak, and our Fi is so very, extremely delayed. It’s easier for INTPs to be hurt over and over, then have that hurt discarded both by us (Fe aspirational) and those who have difficulty comprehending Ti dominant.
This includes having trust broken over and over again, by words that cannot be kept. Walking it off can be easier for us compared to others. By nature of the function stack, INTPs do not typically have a “sense of self” like that: I was once asked how I wanted to be loved, and the truth is that I still don’t know. “Anything is fine,” but it was true until my relationship with an INFJ, where I’ve found that I do have things that are important to me, because I did not really need to test my Fi before.
Another contributor is that our Ne can be quite strong combined with Ti. Each way forward has a different probability whether it be 99% or 1%, and despite that difference, each possibility has the same weight in our mind. It could happen. It is possible, so it means that it can be done. People can change, and so can many circumstances. Yes, this can be to our detriment. That is why the door-slam is more than sensible. On our side, I’ve found that the door is always open—our love is for you to always have the freedom to close it when you wish, without any trouble.
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These Other Links Might Be Helpful
Carl Jung’s writing on the INTP (Introverted Thinking) type is very descriptive and on-the-nose about how the unconscious destructive spiral manifests.
This is a very good writeup on Reddit about the INTP’s functions, that includes the shadow. I’ve used it many times to expand my understanding on myself, and every time I reread it, I only learn more.
This comment was extremely helpful to me, on how INTPs and INFJs have difficulty seeing things the same way because we process things very differently.
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If anyone would like to correct anything, I would be happy to hear it.