To, the citizens of Lower Duck Pond

During my routine Tuesday inspection of the perimeter of the municipal duck pond, I recovered the following two (2) items abandoned beside the north bench.

Two (2) found near duck pond :

1. One (1) full-sized accordion : moderately damp, currently emitting a faint wheezing sound when tilted.

   2. One (1) 4 x 6 laminated photograph : depicting an unidentified grey squirrel holding what appears to be a - idk what - miniature baguette ?

Per Section 4B of the Town Preservation Act, these items are currently being held, in utmost secure quarantine, inside my tiny, disorganized, scrappy - metal shed behind the public library, which also serves as my Superintendent HQ at dusk.

If the case arises where you are the rightful owner of these belongings, please report to my desk at the Disorganized Shed between 4 : 50 PM and 6 : 00 PM sharp before the weekend to fill out an Artifact Release Form.

Unless someone claims the aforementioned item(s) by the deadline, I will be permanently cataloguing them (it) to the Town Historical Archives.

You will be required to provide verifiable proof of ownership. A final test of ownership will be personally conducted by me to whomsoever approaches. The details of the test will remain discreet so as to prevent pre - preparing.

Note that claiming (or) approaching to claim an item that is not yours can result in legal fines or imprisonment as per the Section 9G of the Municipal Property Ownership Act (Amendment).

Failure to claim these items by the deadline will result in their permanent induction into the Town Historical Archives, where they will be displayed to the public alongside the Mystery Casserole. '

The Disorganized Shed is open to all visitors at all times except dusk (4 : 50 PM to 6 : 00 PM).

Any tea - talk about the town with me is welcome at all times except the following times :

  * Tuesdays and Fridays, where I will be busy for the Perimeter Inspection.
  * Other days' dusk time (4 : 50 PM to 6 : 00 PM), where I will be busy testing ownership claims and cleaning the Shed.

Thank you for your prompt cooperation in preserving our town’s rich heritage. Tiny, however - insignificant town objects are priceless gold.

Cozily,
Arthur P.
Deputy Archivist | Municipal Superintendent of Lost - And - Found

(7 years of experience at the Shed)

i have a question about homework. we have been learning about fractions and i dont really understand why you need to know what half of a number is when you can just share things equally? isnt that basically the same thing?

Al said fractions are important because you need them for cooking and money and lots of other things. Al is my friend and knows everything about being a kid and school so i usually believe them, but i still dont really understand it.

school is ok i think. I think I'm writing a lot better and can you see how much spelling is improving? Miss Cancrook said she's very pleased with my progress. its still a bit strange getting used to having to be somewhere every day and doing things at certain times. sometimes i miss being at home and doing things when i wanted to. there are lots of people and lots of noise and sometimes i just want to go somewhere quiet.

i do have some friends now though and i like seeing Al. they told me that everyone feels a bit weird at school sometimes and that you just have to get used to it.

Hi lovely souls 🤍

Has anyone happened to come across a little wooden spoon anywhere around or near the library?

Basil seems to have misplaced theirs, and we have been looking everywhere for it. It's a very special spoon that they have become rather attached to, and they insist it has a little personality of its own. They last remember having it when we visited the library with Paprika, where they had a lovely afternoon stacking and decorating the books and moving things around the shelves. I do hope it hasn't been accidentally absorbed into the library's collection.

We've had quite a busy week here. Saffron has been making some very interesting noises lately, and I'm beginning to think they're trying to tell us something about the moon, as their sounds become louder and more shrill when the moon appears. Cumin has been collecting leaves and worms in their pockets, Oregano has disappeared into the forest again, and Thyme and Turmeric are still very much occupied with their new little bird. Sadly, some of Cumin's worms have disappeared, and I don't have the heart to tell him that the bird got to them 🤍

Sage has been telling us all about some new things they've learnt at school, including something called a timetable. I'm still not entirely sure why everything needs to happen at a particular time, but I suppose that's something they'll have to get used to.

On another note, I have been meaning to return to the library tomorrow. I do hope Maggie and the other lovely librarians are well. There was some mention of the director wishing to speak with me, although I haven't quite felt called to arrange anything just yet. I'm sure our paths will cross when they're meant to.

Anyway, if anyone spots a little wooden spoon, please do let us know. Basil is convinced it has gone on an adventure without them. 🤍

Hey. Yeah, I know, I know. I get it. I know a lot of you gave me crap over "I just want to freelance and do odd work and stuff so I have time to do live streaming for Buying Groceries Simulator on Spasm" last year. I'm sorry. I try to pick up stuff here and in UDP and Rosewater but it's not paying the rent enough. I'm tired of taking the bus too, I want one of those scooters. idk who but that girl on the bedazzled one I keep seeing on main street is giving me ideas...

Anyway I can do customer service, and I know how to fix computers, kinda. I have some experience in the dipshit at Thaiducken. I can knit a duck. That's like violently eating a chicken and resting on a bowl of pad thai. I just don't want to scrub toilets, it needs to not be gross. Scrubbing showers is okay I guess.

Are there any job openings that are at least minimum wage? And that aligns with the bus schedule for a bit?

I don't ordinarily involve myself in the private lives of waterfowl, but the situation at the pond has become scandalous.

Yesterday, I observed a male mallard escorting a female duck behind the reeds. Ten minutes later, he emerged with an entirely different female.

I'm not judging, but I believe his wife should know.

I've contacted the Neighborhood Watch Committee, but apparently they're still investigating a squirrel.

You and I locked eyes on West Avenue. You had 3 alpacas, all with beautiful crowns of gold. I know you saw me on my scooter. It is bedazzled. Please contact me. I hope you are reading this. I think it's love.

Prospective clients needed. For any troubled souls out there, never fear! Here is an advertisement I wrote about my life coaching business in my weekly column in The Duck Post called “That’s Life!”

“Evie Lyn, Transformational Life Coach, moved from the city to Lower Duck Pond some time ago. There wasn’t an official date she moved here, she just was seen frequently in Cornerstone Bakery enjoying cake donuts and giving life advice to those who needed a pick-me-up transformation - physical, metaphysical, emotional, spiritual. Really, she is very well-rounded and had parents who passed down great life advice to her while they were living, and sometimes still do as spiritual guides from the Other dimension.

Evie writes a weekly life advice column for The Duck Post on topics varying from “which new purse will make my high school nemesis mad” to “how to prolong unrequited love” to “learning your Enneagram type.” She really is an expert on the Enneagram and will talk about it for an hour for free or for $100, you can get the whole 3-hour PowerPoint presentation.

Evie is a single 30-something who gives great life advice to singles, couples, and thruples alike. Her next goal is to be a speaker at Southwest University, but she has yet to convince the Dean that self-help should be a major. 

When not working, Evie likes to read fiction, drink decaf chai tea, and color coloring books of cats; although she does not have a cat herself because she is allergic.”

Kiddush this week is sponsored by the Alpaca Farm in honor of the eighteenth alpaca born this year. Mazal tov!

The rabbi will be leading his Torah class in the afternoon. All are encouraged to attend.

Thank you to the Planning Committee for organizing the upcoming Hanukkah festival! Tickets are still available.

Whoever left behind three whole apple pies after services this week - they are in the rabbi's office. There might be a slice or two taken out of one of them.

LDPL is having some exciting events this week!

👩🏼‍🍼Mother’s Group Monday - Join other mothers for a play group for your littles! Please, no children over the age of 3. And please, do not leave your child to go do your shopping. Librarians are not babysitters and accept no responsibility for unattended babies.

📖Storytime Tuesday - Miss Maggie (me!) is back from vacation and is ready to welcome your preschoolers! Ages 3-5 with a RESPONSIBLE adult. You know who you are.

🛠️ Writer’s Workshop Wednesday - A writers’ workshop for busy adults, Nathan is ready to help you hone your craft, but will not edit your whole 250-page manuscript.

🛑 Closed Thursday for carpet cleaning. We are once again reminding everyone that birds are not allowed in the library, even if they are “the most well-behaved bird you’ve ever seen.”

🇫🇷 French Friday - Madame Renée is looking forward to French lessons at the library. Sign-ups are open, and there is limited space!

And a big belated THANK YOU to community members for showing up to Boo Bash at the library! We had over 500 of you descend on our building for two hours for our Halloween celebration. We hope you enjoyed the trick-or-treating and the cider and donuts!

That’s all for now! We hope to see you all at the library for a program, or just to get some fresh reads for the week. Feel free to let us know what you’re reading in the comments!

See you soon,
Maggie

I get that we’ve become a destination for holiday lights, and it was in my HOA agreement that I participate every year. I’m worried about my energy bill though. Do I gotta?

hey guys my vaccum broke. does anyone have a free vaccum or one I can loan ? Thanks guys. I was vacuuming up my living room and something got caught in it or something. I know I don’t have the best reputation with borrowing and returning but this is urgent.

My god! People are so weird. I finally found my three alpacas in front of the town squares. Someone had dressed them immaculately as unicorns. That's why I thought they are statues previously. I only caught them because Alpaccono Jr. the 3rd bleated at me. Seriously unicorn? Please remember that alpaca produce valuable fibers and applying make up on them ruins that.

Hello fellow Duck Ponders!

What is everyone up to this weekend? Let us know in the comments! If you want to make a separate post, feel free to do so.

Can't wait to see what everyone is up to!

I can't really pay you but if you could lend me these I can promise you a very good quality blanket next fall. Time wasters, alpaca owners and the instruments of the law are not welcome.

If any one sees any of them please call me at 8883054510 with helpful and correct information to win annual supply of milk.**

With the results in, I want to give an enormous thanks to all my supporters who put their trust in me and gave me their votes. We had such a big turnout that those counterfeit ballots didn't even matter, so the Sheriff should probably save her time and quit investigating whoever was behind that because it's a moot point.

As for everyone who voted against me, I forgive you. I also forgive Adrian Shrimpo for his negligence during his time as dogcatcher. He called me today and conceded the race, and wished me well during my term. We are meeting this Friday to discuss the transition of power when my term begins on January 1st. He isn't a bad guy all things considered, and while he doesn't deserve the office of Dogcatcher, I may keep him on as deputy.

Howdy folks, as a candidate on the ballot this year (Jordan for Dogcatcher 2026), just wanted to post a civic reminder that I do not approve of voter fraud. So whatever you do, do not go to the janitors closet on the second floor of the high school. There is a green box there filled with counterfeit ballots with my name already bubbled in. I do not know who did that, but I strongly dissaprove. I would not want anyone taking any of those ballots, hiding it in their jacket, and then covertly sneaking them into the ballot boxes. It would be a shameful thing to do, and disrespectful to all our hardworking volunteers running the election. Just think of Mr. Dubois, and how much of a shame it would be if someone cast an extra ballot into the box to his left, which he wouldn't be able because he's blind in his left eye.

Anyway, keep all that in mind this election day. Hope you all enjoy exercising your civic right to vote!

I am finding skool a bit hard. mum worked so hard to agree to send me too skool so I dont want to upset her.

Wen I first started I was so excited to have somewere to go evry day and it was nyse to not hav too be with Basil all the time. I luv them but sometimes they can get very noysy and wants me to do a lot of things for them.

i still luv skool. Can you all tell how my spelling has beecum better? Mrs Sawdust sed that I have a lot of potential and sed i am gifted. I always new I woz gifted as mum says i was her first gift she ever got. its just starting to get hard. At home we dont have a clock. we also have a sports game this weekend for families to cum and watch. I don't want mum nowing about it. I feel so meen but i think all my frends will stare at mum and the children. Cumin likes to wear funny clothes and basil will want to sit on my lap but I want to be with my frends.

I was telling Al about this kool website called Reddit and how I come on here to get advyse sumtimes. Al told me that its not for children and only grownups can go on like Al sed his uncle feeliks sumtimes cums on hear. Al sed that the skool wont bee happy if i cum on hear as sum ov the teechers cum here. i like cuming here as everyone is always so nyse to mee. is it ok if i cum here sumtimes?

Hi lovely souls 🤍

It's been a little whilst since I've been here, and I thought I would pop in and share a little of what has been happening in our family these past few months.

Saffron has recently started making the most extraordinary noises. They seem to have discovered that their mouth can produce a whole range of sounds, and they spend quite a lot of time practising these little squeals and repetitive noises, particularly when I'm trying to sit quietly and connect with my inner being.

I find myself wondering whether this is their own little language, or perhaps a way of communicating with energies that we adults have forgotten how to hear. Sometimes I try to respond in the same way, but I'm not entirely sure whether I'm getting it right.

Cumin is still very much in their toddler era, which mostly seems to involve collecting things from the ground and carrying them around until something else catches their attention. I have recently found several pebbles in my bed, although I don't believe we should discourage children from following their natural instincts.

Basil has been missing Sage quite a lot lately. They have always been very attached to Sage and Paprika, and seem to find them whenever they need someone to sit with them or show them something important. Paprika is usually very happy to oblige, and I often find them both surrounded by Basil's little collections of treasures.

Since Sage started school, Basil has been a little more insistent about wanting to know where they are. I explained that Sage has their own little journey to follow now, although I'm not sure Basil entirely understands why someone would voluntarily spend so much time in a building when there are so many interesting things happening at home.

Paprika has been keeping everyone occupied, as they always do, and I suppose it's just another one of those little adjustments that happens when the children begin following their own paths.

Sage is still settling into school and seems to have found their own little rhythm there. It's been interesting watching them discover things that are so completely different from the way we do things at home. They have been bringing home all sorts of new ideas, and I am trying to remember that they are allowed to explore these things without me needing to understand them all.

Thyme and Turmeric have been very busy with their own little projects lately, and Oregano seems to spend most of their time somewhere outside, exploring things that I probably wouldn't have thought to look for.

It's quite remarkable how different they all are, and how they each seem to have their own little way of moving through the world.

I suppose I should go and see what Saffron is trying to tell me now. They have been making the same little sound for the past ten minutes, and I'm beginning to think they have something rather important to say. 🤍

He looks so dumb and stupid, there are no thoughts behind his eyes, no thoughts in that tiny little brain, I grabbed his head like a burger and he didn't even blink, he's spent the last 10 minutes straight rolling over my shoes.

He's orange and has a tiny little lightning bolt like pattern on his side, no collar, half his little toe beans are pink while the other half are brown, has this real high pitched chipmunk meow, and looks fully grown, he also looks like his name would be Jimmy, I don't know why, but he gives major Jimmy vibes.

Does anybody own this brainless little idiot? I don't think dad will be happy about it if I bring him home but he's so cute and stupid, and his eyes are so big, I can't just leave the little dunderhead at the mercy of the elements.

My Business advice: Years ago, I was told by a psychic that going to marry Jarvis Moores if I kissed him in the 6th row of Eider Cinema in LDP. It turns out, that was just a myth, and now I am a single 30-something who gives great life advice to singles, couples, and thruples alike. For Example: “Do NOT spend your money at Eider Cinema!”

So, mom and dad sent me to go Trick-Or-Treating with Chloe yesterday, she was kinda on edge for most of the night; When we got back home she didn't touch her candy, which is weird, cause the kid has a sweet tooth, but I figured she was just tuckered out and wanted to get some sleep.

Today, she saw me eating a Hershey's, and started panicking, crying, shook my arm a little to try and get me to stop, so I asked her what was wrong, and it turns out this older kid, Marty, has been telling all the little kids that the candy has razor blades in it. Heard he even swindled a few by getting them to hand their candy to him so he could 'check'. I had to cut a few pieces in half with a butter knife so she'd know it was safe. Chloe is fine now, but I bet other kids in the neighborhood are terrified, and that's not even mentioning the ones who had their candy stolen.

This is absolutely unacceptable, I'm posting this so any confused parents will understand the situation, if your children haven't touched their candy, or came home empty handed, this is likely why.

Also, if Marty's parents see this, please watch your kid more.