TL;DR:
I (ENFP F mid 20s) donāt have the balls to cut a guy (INFJ vibes) I liked off who I thought liked me (seems like he did, just didnāt like me enough) & was thinking of deactivating my ig account & taking a break from it since Iām constantly getting posts heās liked on my feed and also because Iām not trusting my own motivations for posting songs on my notes.. Iām also just thinking maybe I should just stay on IG & take what I see so itās driven into my skull and I become immune to it somehow or that drives me to unfollow him.
Idk if this is my adhd, my Si inferior, or a combination but Iāve had this cyclical perspective since we last spoke where I try to move on but then after some time I start to reminisce a little & my brain mostly thinks of what could be while Iām aware I shouldnāt, I ignore all the red flags Iāve known & reasonable elements as to why it wouldnāt have worked until then Iām hit with how time has gone by & he still hasnāt reached out.
āāāāāāāāā
LONGER STORY
TL;DR-ish version: bold
Extra context: italic
Itās been nearly a year since I (ENFP F mid 20s) hide my story from him and stopped watching his, itās been nearly a year & a half since we last texted and still find myself emotionally attached. We never dated & donāt think itād be considered a situationship either.
We met a little over 3 years ago as he was studying abroad at my uni for a semester. I wasnāt into him until I looked back (1 yr 1/2 ago) on our time together in class & how we hit it off, shared a lot of laughs. I always found him to be very intriguing and endearing though. If it helps he had INFJ vibesā¦
Since developing feelings a lot has happened thatād make this post way too long. From him making it clear that he definitely sees me as physically & sexually attractive during a time we reconnected, to a roller coaster of moments online a few months after that of what felt like strange timing in posts & views, subliminal petty responses back via posts, me reaching out to chat & not feeling like he was into it, unusual likes from him on my stories, a burner account on LinkedIn who I strongly believed was him viewing my profile in February & March after I stopped watching his stories and hide my stories from him in January this year.
At one point or another throughout all this, Iāve found he follows random women, liked questionable posts, made questionable comments on a female friendās post the year before I developed feelings for him & still follows her & even went with her to Paris, just the two of them last year right around the time of the roller coaster of moments online. Maybe Iām naive to think nothing happened but at the same time after doing some research I got the impression she only saw him as a friend.
Writing all this out makes me feel really dumb. Idk wth is wrong with me, if this is my adhd, my Si inferior or a combination. Iāve had this cyclical perspective since we last spoke where I try to move on but then after some time I start to reminisce a little & my brain mostly thinks of what could be while Iām aware I shouldnāt, I ignore all the red flags Iāve known (& the fact that your average person would understandably not be open to pursuing something international) until then Iām hit with how time has gone by & he still hasnāt reached out.
Iāve always known the only ending there is to this now is one where I cut him off or he cuts me off, assuming that would come when I move on & start seeing someone or if he launches a relationship. That hasnāt come yet & I still feel like I donāt have the balls to do it but am thinking maybe I should at this point, like what am I waiting for? To accept anything from him at this point would be disrespecting myself. It really feels like if he ever reaches out, it was after a plan or relationship didnāt work out, & I donāt want to be a backup plan or comfort. + itās feel shitty to know if things didnāt workout in his country that he really resorted to a backup plan that lives across the world.
I guess itās hard to cut him out of my life because I know once the tie is severed, Iāll probably never see or hear from him again, not only because I donāt have faith heāll have balls to reach out, but also because I highly value and live by no strings attached. Once itās really over, itās over.
I was thinking of deactivating my ig account & taking a break of instagram since Iām constantly getting posts heās liked on my feed (not the the friends tab) and also because Iām not trusting my own motivations for posting songs on my notes.. Iām also just thinking maybe I should just stay on instagram & take what I see so itās driven into my skull and I become immune to it somehow or that drives me to unfollow him.
I know, I was naive. And Iām delusional af & need more self-respect.