I saw a Facebook post that really makes me want to rant. It says “Step children are your children. You chose them when you chose that parent.”

No they’re not my children. I wish they were. I wish I could sign them up for extra curricular activities, put them in therapy, discipline and run my house the way I want. But I can’t. Because I will be told they aren’t my children and I can’t make decisions like that for them. Everyone wants step parents to treat step kids like their own until the step parent does, then we’re told to step back and told we can’t make those decisions. Super frustrating!

No more shitty vacations “because the kids will enjoy it there” No more shitty restaurants “because the kids don’t like that food” No more “can’t do this because of the kids” No more nightly biege food festivals because “that’s what the kids like” No more ungrateful taxi service No more poverty No more being a cleaner/servant/banker

I can do whatever I like, with whoever I like, whenever I like.

I am officially out and I am over the moon.

Never again.

My DH (59) and I (49) each have 3 adult children. When we married 7 years ago, I made a real effort to help everyone adjust and connect. We've started new traditions, celebrated birthdays and milestones, and had great holidays together. I began hosting weekly family dinners at our home so that everyone could get to know one another. Casual family cookouts and meals, conversations around the firepit, board games, etc.. We've welcomed their friends, partners, and large dogs without complaint. It's been fun, and it seemed like everyone had really connected. DH is thrilled with how often he's seen them and is appreciative of my efforts to put everyone at ease. His kids would regularly tell me they love me and that I have helped their relationship with their dad. FDIL (26) has been a weekly attendee since she began dating SS (28) several years ago, and we have been more supportive and available than her own parents, per her own statements. I genuinely love each and every one of our kiddos and their partners and have been happy for the time with them.

When SS announced their engagement, he immediately told us that FDIL's family could not help with the wedding costs and asked for money for the wedding. DH is very frugal and initially balked, but I convinced him that we should help, and we gave them money to cover most of the wedding costs. We are both professionals and can afford it, and I don't regret it.

DH's family is large, but they plan a wedding with less than 75 guests. When making the guest list of mostly friends and cousins, they approached DH privately about not inviting my kids. DH told them he found it hurtful and was certain I would, too. FDIL simply said her Mom wanted to invite several of their neighbors, so they need the seats. I was very surprised and hurt. I have since learned that there was also mention of my "autistic kids" (my oldest has Asperger's) in defending the decision to DH. Another SS chimed in to say that DH "can do better than (me), anyway". They acknowledged that we have done nothing to offend, and that my kids and I have been kind. No real explanation was offered. DH was angry with both sons and FDIL after this conversation and said so. He has since RSVP'd for one, so they know I won't be attending the wedding.

I understand that it is their wedding and the guest list is their choice. However, their decision and much of the resulting discussion makes it clear that they don't even like me or my children. I am not willing to put in the time, effort, and expense to host these get-togethers for everyone if this is how they feel; it seems disingenuous. DH says he understands and is embarrassed by their behavior and comments. He now plans to see them on his own for a while, which I support.

I hate that he is in the middle and will be attending his son's wedding alone. Have I mishandled this? There has been no communication between any of his kids and myself since. I don't want to cause any drama, especially while they are stressing about the upcoming wedding. Am I wrong for taking this so badly? I'm so shocked by the duplicity around their feelings.

My stepson is 11 and has a LOT of family going on. His bio mom was married to stepdad #1 for the first 8 years of his life and while they have separated he is still an active part of his life, gets him on some weekends, etc. Meanwhile his dad married me and I became stepmom #1. His mom is now engaged to stepdad #2, meanwhile stepdad #1 has remarried and my stepson considers his new wife to be stepmom as well - so stepmom #2.

He recently got a new teacher in the middle of the school year during COVID distance learning and his new teacher called a meeting with BM and my husband because she said she was concerned about him. She believes his imagination is running wild causing him to lie often, or possibly he had a mental health issue.

This worried my husband who looped stepdad #1 in and invited him to join the call too. So ALL of us end up on this zoom call with the teacher, all deeply concerned, and after we explained who all of us were, she burst out laughing.

Apparently stepson when in class refers to us all as "mom" or "dad" and doesn't differentiate between parents vs step-parents. So he will say "my mom is a realtor" and then ten minutes later say "my mom is a doctor." She thought he was having problems because he seemed to be blatantly lying in short timespans, contradicting himself.

It gave me a tinge of joy to know that he calls us all just 'mom' or 'dad.' We've always worried that having so many "parents" was going to make things difficult for him - but of course you can't just cut out someone who was part of his life for a decade, so we've learned to live with it. The fact that he doesn't feel the need to say "my mom's ex-husband's new wife" and just says "my mom" gives me hope that he's feeling extra loved and not extra confused.

Just wanted to share some joy today.

My aunt sent me money specifically to get our bio son a new pair of sneakers for the summer. I ordered the shoes, they were delivered yesterday. Simple, right?

My partner knew my aunt sent the money. He never said a word about having an issue with it. Nothing.

Then this morning, I wake up to a wall of texts (he leaves for work early). He’s going off, saying I don’t treat his son (6) like I treat ours, and that if my aunt sent money, I should’ve somehow split it between both kids and gotten them each something.

I was stunned. The money was clearly a gift for my son, from my family. And now somehow, it’s turned into me being unfair or showing favoritism?

I’m honestly just blown away. I don’t get the logic and I feel like I’m the crazy one for thinking this was out of line.

I explained that I was given the money as a gift and did exactly what my aunt wanted me to do with that for our son. I also explained that I had plans to buy SS shoes and summer clothes this weekend and had already expressed that plan to SS.

He then goes on to say that if my family is not willing to buy them both things, I need to not “flaunt” what our son is getting in front of SS (I didn’t even open the damn box).

I got off work early, moved a majority of my things into a storage unit and will be staying in a hotel for as long as I can afford it while I look for a new place.

I have had enough. I am tired of always being the one expected to bend over backwards while being guilt-tripped for parenting my own kid.

My SO said since I’m a stepparent I get no say so on the kids. And because my name isn’t on the birth certificates, yet still wants me to do everything for them and treat them like my own. So I decided since he lives in MY house that I owned years before we got together and it’s only in MY name he no longer can bring them there ☺️ call me petty I don’t care. I’m done being expected to do everything and getting no say so in my own house.

SS17 is always at our house. And I mean ALWAYS - during the school week and 90% of weekends because he hates being at his mom’s house… well I needed a weekend off to myself before I lost my freaking mind.

So - this weekend he has Friday and Monday off of school due to the President’s Day holiday. I recently found out via my internet provider app that I can temporarily disconnect certain devices from the internet. Today, when he left for school I disconnected his PlayStation 5 since he lives and breathes it. When he got home from school today I heard him flipping out that he couldn’t connect to it. For an hour I said NOTHING while him and his dad tried to figure it out. I also “tried”. After 30 min of being in his room bored he asked his dad to take him to his mom’s house for the weekend.

I rejoiced when the car pulled out the garage.

This unexpectedly turned into Ranty McRant Face so sorry

Ahhh. Fuck.

We're not rocks. I'm not a monolith. We're not perfect.

As a stepparent, we're held to a different, difficult standard that bio parents can't fully comprehend. I've always had to be more than Her; more well-spoken, more gracious, more even-tempered, more graceful. When She calls me names or makes fun of my appearance or curses me, I've always had to be more eloquent, more compassionate, more wise.

In short, I've been pidgeon holed into being The Bigger Person and taking the high road. I've always had to hold my head up high, higher than Her, and I fucking hate it.

This lady fucking sucks, guys.

First, she tried to drive wedges between my SK and her father, and when that didn't work, filled SK's head with ideas about how I was preventing Mommy and Daddy from being a family again. Shit started when the kid was six and came to a head when she was ten.

Then CPS took my SK away from her mom due to neglect and abuse and other horrible shit. The situation evolved until BioMom was granted a supervised phone call with SK one day a week.

It's been two years and She hasn't called once because she'd have to call her exhusbands phone. SK13 has a cell phone, and will go through cycles of hating her mom, missing her, unblocking her number, being abused, then blocking her number again. SK13 knows that she's not allowed to reach out to Mom, but when she does, she isn't punished.

That's her fuckin' Mom, man. Of course she wants to talk to her.

But every time. Every. Fucking. Time.

This lady is horrible to SK13. It leads to depressive episodes, crying, sleeping all day. She tears SK down while Dad and I spend SO MUCH time trying to just build her back up to ground level, that's how much damage BM does.

And this time, the tether snapped.

I have been quarantining for EIGHT MONTHS with SK13 and BK7.

I've been homeschool teacher and entertainer and therapist and BFF and TikTok film crew and Nintendo Switch engineer and hair stylist and Love Guru and wise sage of cousin conflicts and a MILLION OTHER THINGS while ALSO keeping my kids safe from COVID and I STILL have the patience to speak to my damn kids nicely.

This lady couldn't deal with a FIFTEEN MINUTE TEXT CONVERSATION WITH HER KID.

She blamed my SK for 'leaving' and loving me and her dad, accused her of not loving her disabled half-brother, and then told her that she hated my SK and never wanted to hear from SK13 ever again.

Now, I've made ALL of the excuses for BM's behavior in a way that I thought would hurt my SK the least - your mom is struggling right now, your mom is on a difficult path right now but that path will bring her back to you some day, blah blah blah bullshit that I don't believe because that Woman has no soul.

So when SK13 came to me, crying, asking why her Mom didn't love her, I pissed every excuse I ever had for BM right down the fucking toilet.

"Your mom acts like that because she's fucking stupid and needs therapy."

I showed up in my SK13's life when she was six years old, almost seven, and I was just 23. She would glare at me across the dinner table and wouldn't look at me if I spoke to her. I was 23, still just a kid myself, but through the mean glares and sullen silences, she showed that she was a bright, compassionate kid that was easy to love. I've loved that kid for six years, and I'll love her for the next SIXTY.

The only reason someone wouldn't show her love is if they were fucking stupid.

She's every bit a teenager - moody, sullen, snappy, messy, kinda stinks sometimes - but she's MY teenager. I may not be "Mom", but I am The House Mom, and when I told her that Dad and I, we're not stupid like that, she smiled.

We're not monoliths. We're not perfect.

But if calling BM 'fucking stupid' helps SK13 feel better about her situation, I think I did pretty perfectly.

i'm angry beyond words. last night when i got home from work (i'm a SAHM to our son during the week and i serve on the weekends) i was met with BM and my SO on my porch. this was alarming already because i had no idea that this lady was going to be at my house and have made pretty clear boundaries that i don't want her there nor do i want them hanging around eachother extra during exchanges. i walked up and gave my SO a face as to say "what the f is this b doing on my porch" but before i could even say anything SO is like "hey we need to talk to you". this was already enough to make me wanna start cussing them both out on the spot because what do you mean "y'all need to talk to me" as if "y'all" exists. i had 0 warning about any of this from my SO. BM starts saying basically that she can't afford SDs daycare program for summer break and my SO proceeds to say that he's talked to me before about how we can't really afford it either. then they both just stand there and are looking at me. i stay quiet for a minute and then i'm like "ok, and?".

i have told my SO that under no circumstances will i ever keep his daughter for an entire spring/summer/winter/fall whatever break and that he needs to make sure he has childcare. i stay at home with our son during the weeks but i am in online school full time and i also WORK on the weekends. i get no days off and i'm not adding even more to my workload by watching his kid that he knows is disrespectful towards me and doesn't listen to me and then goes behind our backs and tells BM i'm the mean one (spoiler: i'm not!). and even if she was perfectly nice i'm still not watching her.

they kind of look at eachother awkwardly and then my SO says "well really we are needing you to help us out and we need you to help us keep SD this summer". i saw red completely and wanted to rip his head off. he asked me about this for probably the 5th time about a week ago and i told him absolutely not. and i told him absolutely not everytime before that too. so i said "so between the two of y'all, yall couldn't figure out a better solution than to ask me, who has a toddler and is in school full time, and works every weekend, for the thousandth time if i can add another thing to my plate and watch y'all's kid too? seriously?" SO looked surprised that i responded this way because usually in any kind of confrontation like this i am very much a "stand down" kind of person and used to i would've just said "ok" even if i absolutely couldn't or didn't want to. i think he wasn't expecting me to say no because he figured that doing it this way would give me no choice but to say yes. then they're both just standing there not saying anything and BM starts saying "well i just don't know what i'm gonna do" and my SO is looking at me waiting for me to say something else. i said "i genuinely can't believe that y'all thought bumrushing me about this was going to get me to say yes. the answer is still and has always been hell no." and then i went inside and slammed the door and of course SD is sitting there on my couch staring at me. my SO came in behind me and asked to speak to me in private. i said "oh now you wanna speak to me in private?" and he said "please don't do this in front of SD". we walk off to the back porch and he starts apologizing and saying he doesn't know why he did it and that BM was pressuring him and he knew i was gonna say no but that we can't afford her daycare and neither can BM and yada yada. i said "and once again i'm gonna ask you how this has anything to do with me at all. SD has 2 adult parents that need to figure this shit out and stop trying to involve me in it." and then he just starts saying how he wishes he had a real family and a partner he could count on for things like this and i said "well if you wanted a partner that wants to stay home and watch your kid all summer maybe you should've worked it out with her mom and not got a divorce because i promise you no other woman in this world is going to jump at the opportunity to babysit your rude and disrespectful child for 3 months straight." he looked at me like i just killed his dog or something and then stormed off inside. now he's not speaking to me at all. slept in SDs bed last night with her.

childless young women don't ever go for an older man with kid/s !

I’m currently in the beginning stages of battling ovarian cancer that my gyno found a few months ago. I just had surgery few weeks ago and I now recently started the long hard and painful journey of chemotherapy and radiation treatments.

It’s been a tough and painful week and I honestly never imagined just how bad one feels for the hours and days after having treatments.

My exhusbands wife, the stepmom to my two children, surprised me today so much so that I was truly in absolute awe of this woman’s ability to care for others in such a profound way because I’ve never come across someone like her before until she met and married my ex husband.

She secretly drove the 3-4 hours from the state they live in and showed up at the cancer center while I was there by myself (my DH had to take our baby who’s under a year old to an emergency dr Appt for a stomach virus).

When she knew I’d be doing treatments this day alone she decided today was the day to pull off something she has been working on for past few weeks. She was going to do it on the day of my actual birthday in December but she seized the moment.

As I was laying there alone watching the TV at the cancer center, All a sudden the lights dimmed and I looked up and saw that she, along with the nurses and the staff were all in costumes and makeup and they began acting out a broadway musical that I loved and never got to see in NYC.

I cried so hard that they thought I was sad. I was far from sad. I was beyond happy.

She is a theater and drama teacher at a college and had apparently, weeks ago, contacted the nurses and staff at the cancer center and had organized them all into doing a “musical play” that she knows I love and knows I never got to see because My DH had purchased tickets in the beginning of this year for a date this December for my birthday, but we had to sell them due to finding out I had cancer and wouldn’t be able to go.

I’m a bio mom and a stepmom just like she is and I’m not exaggerating when I say that this woman has such a huge heart and is such a caring soul.

Today was an absolute gift that I’ll never forget. I hope one day I’ll be able to figure out what I can do to give her something back that shows just how much I appreciate her being in my kids lives and in mine.

Merry Christmas. Sometimes the most profound and the best gifts don’t come in a wrapped box with a bow.

“My stepdad was so mean!” “My stepmom tried to be our mom.” “I’ll never forgive my mom for staying with a guy who didn’t like us.” “I could tell my stepmom wished it was just her and my dad and their kids.”

We hear laments like this all the time on this sub from stepparents who grew up as stepkids.

Spend five minutes reading the posts and you’ll see how those stepparents ended up acting like that.

Wicked stepparents are forced to be that way by bio parents who refuse to fucking PARENT their kids.

Your stepdad got mad at you because your mom never made you follow the rules. She was afraid you’d go live with your dad, or she was lazy, or she was traumatized by other relationships, who knows? Bottom line... He had to be the bad guy all the time.

Your stepmom tried to be your mom because nobody else was doing it. Somebody had to teach you to put your CRAP away and do your laundry and take care of yourself. Many teenagers are gross, just by nature of the age/hormones. Your stepmom wanted you to help clean up and take care of yourself. Your stepmom, like most moms, was tired of doing all the work.

Your mom stayed with a guy who didn’t like you because raising kids is HARD. Kids are messy and teenagers are straight up mean to their parents. You were doing your best. They were doing their best. They stayed because a different stepparent wouldn’t make the tough times go away.

Please cut stepparents some slack.

Please.

Your stepmom wished it was just her and your dad and their kids because when you weren’t there, she didn’t have to be the bad guy all the time.

We want the kids to have a happy home, we really do!. I’m sorry but a huge part of that is rules, chores and everybody helping each other. It’s boring but it’s true. So many stepparents are forced to shoulder huge parenting burdens because the bioparents are Disney Dads and Attachment Moms who don’t know how to say NO, and we become resentful.

I used to be a chill, compassionate, fun person. I can’t be that and be the house’s bad guy. Please cut stepparents some slack.

After 14 months of hell created by his children and my sweet husband minimizing my feelings…I left. I packed my two daughters and our one in the car and just…drove away.

SS16 had a psych eval on Monday and due to the aggression, the drugs, the anger, and everything else they recommended at least a partial hospitalization program. My husband refused, minimizing, saying “he’s not that bad.” He was so aggressive that he came at me with his voice and fist raised and I put my arm up to block him. That’s aggressive. He’s that bad. Not to mention the alcohol, the marijuana, the lying, stealing, manipulating…the list keeps going!

Last night SS came at me yelling and cussing and I said…enough. I didn’t cry, I just loaded up the kids and left. I felt enormous relief!

Today is darker. I love my husband but I’m DONE. But I’m still glad to not go back to that house.

Best decision ever? Probably.

My husband died. He died in front of me, while I screamed and sobbed and begged him not to. His ex wife came. She collected the kids and took them home. The lawyer told me that there's nothing I can do. I have no rights.

Now everything is quiet. I can't afford our apartment alone. Everything is boxed up. I have to sell the childrens' beds.

I lost my love, my children, and my home, on an average Tuesday afternoon. I know things can get difficult. I know it can be stressful. But try not to waste time on resentment or anger. I would give anything to bring him back, to have my family again.

So, here's a bit of a back story. My husband and I have been married for a couple of years and have dated for 2 years before being married. He has 1 preteen and teen. His ex has been remarried for 3 years. They generally coparent well with each other and all 4 of us can get together with the kids.

Here it goes. My SO and ex do things together with the kids as a family. The last couple of years they have gone on vacations with the kids etc. They routinely exclude us step parents with some things in the kids lives. For example, parent teacher conferences they have asked us not to go (step parents) and have don't always include us with the decision making. We often are the ones helping with homework when the kids are with us, pitching in and picking up and dropping off and by all accounts filling in when everything is just busy.

About once or twice a month they usually him, ex and kids usually have a family thing together. Like dinner and a movie whatever. Again, her SO and I are excluded from these things. I've told him how I feel about it and I'm often told it's for the best interest of the kids and it's not going to change. His ex has told her husband the same thing.

The thing is, when they go on their vacations it takes away from his PTO and money that I would like to be used for all of us. His and and him have coordinated their time with the kids so they each can go on vacation with with their spouses too. So I do appreciate that too. But that time is often limited because of PTO that was taken already and money that was spent.

Earlier this year we were all at a birthday party together and his ex's SO and I were talking and we understood how each other felt. We joked about the next time they all go out to dinner then we would just go out to dinner together. Guess what, a few weeks later we were once again excluded from dinner plans, and told to just deal with it. So he and I decided to go out to dinner together as well.

Now each time they make plans to do something with the kids and exclude us, him and I end up doing something fun together. My husband and ex are now getting irritated that we make plans to do things together. They made plans for the end of July to take the kids on a vacation and we planned our own vacation as well and we went to the beach for the week they were gone. Separate rooms, etc. My husband is upset now because he was thinking about taking a trip to a resort and we don't really have the money to go and where he wanted to go to the Dominican his ex and I ended up going while they were on their trip with the kids. He and I went to DR together.

We're in August now, and the other week his ex was out of town on a work trip and my husband had to work late. Her SO and I ended up having to do drop off and pick up for the kids. So we decided to take them out that evening to have dinner. I didn't feel like cooking. We all had a good time and the kids thought it was really cool. We took them to Dave and Busters ate and they played games. We were telling the kids about our trip to DR and what we did and they thought it was fun and asked if we could all go on a trip!

There's absolutely nothing romantic between us. We both want to do something and don't want to wait around for our SOs to include us. So we've decided to just do our own things. Now our SO's are demanding that we stop hanging out with each other when their not around. I've told my husband that when when he stops doing things with his ex wife and excluding me then I'll stop hanging out with his ex wife's husband. I've countered my ex husband's demands with his same response at this point "just deal with it" and that the step parents of the kids getting along and doing things together is for their best interest as well.

As a step parent it's really difficult to keep being excluded from things. I feel like I'm being treated as an optional family member. His exes SO feels the same way too. We're not doing anything wrong and we are just fed up. We both love our SO's and kids and want inclusion and want to be treated as a family.

Her SO and I have agreed that going forward that we're just going to do things together when we're excluded. We've both told our SO's that will be the deal going forward and when we're the ones left to take care of the kids and they aren't available then him and I will do it together. After all, if the kids seeing mom and dad doing things together and working together is a good thing they why is it not a good thing from them to see stepmom and stepdad working together? Thoughts?

It's so freaking hard. SO hard. It's not just your relationship together. It's your relationship with the kids. Parenting dilemmas and differences. The awkwardness. The not getting any space. Feeling like your home isn't your own. Not wanting to overstep. Not knowing what your role is. The ex constantly, constantly being there. It's not a perfect little family dynamic that you're joining. It's just really. Freaking. Hard.

EDIT wow didn't expect this much support from you guys! Thank you! Always nice to know I'm not the only one who feels like this!

Last Christmas, I spent $600 on a Nintendo Switch and a ton of games for my SS12. He loves it, it’s probably his favorite thing he owns. I felt comfortable spending so much because I wanted to show how much I care. It didn’t make him act more affectionate toward me though.

I’m a fairly big gamer myself, but I am still playing my Nintendo DS that I’ve had since middle school. I guess I just don’t feel like I can spend a bunch of money on myself like that. I don’t really get to play with SS’s Switch very often, but I knew when I bought it that it would be HIS thing and not mine so it’s okay.

Today is my birthday and my husband woke me up with a present. It’s my own Nintendo Switch. More than that, my SS contributed $50 (which is all the money he has earned from doing chores over the last few months) toward buying my present.

I’m devastated in the best possible way. I’m shocked. I feel that my husband really appreciates me and even though my SS doesn’t know how to show affection in a way that makes sense to me, he does care about me deep down.

You gotta celebrate the wins when they come up.

I (28F) have been with my husband (34M) for 6 years now. I have a stepson who is 11 and he’s lived with us full time for 4.5 years (BM is no contact and has been since my husband got full custody of SS). We have a daughter together who is 1.5 and is my only biokid.

My mother in law asked if SS could stay with her for a bit over the summer, and so now he’s across the country with her for a few weeks, and so for the first time in 4.5 years, SS isn’t here and it’s just myself, my husband, and our daughter.

I thought it would be nice to get some time with the only kid at home being my toddler but I have to say, I’m not a fan of SS being away. I miss him so much. The house feels like it’s missing something without him here. It’s been 2 weeks and I’ve cried half a dozen times because I miss him so much. He may not be my biokid but he’s my son and I’m so thankful he’s in my life.

I can’t wait to see him next week

This, is the single most unhelpful comment I see on this subreddit.

No, no sometimes we don’t know what we were signing up for. Especially those of us who have not been step parents, or have our own children. For some of us, this is a completely brand new experience that requires observation, learning, break downs, triumphs and more. Yes, I knew the person I love has children. That’s not the same as knowing everything that comes with being a parent to other people’s children, or dealing with exes that won’t move on, or be kind. Or the stress, the questions, the laughs, and the tears that kids bring.

If you’re inclined to make this comment to people coming here for support, or sharing experiences, do everyone a favor, and don’t say it at all.

After 4 long years, he left. I helped raise his 7 month old child till she was nearly 5. I played maid, chauffeur, nanny, and wannabe wife. In the end, I simply wasn’t giving ENOUGH! How funny! I was also told that I was the reason he wasn’t moving forward in life. I was the one holding him back. :) Because I just made his life so horrible!

I begged for this loser back like 3 times this month. I had to sit down with an old friend to snap me back into reality. I deserve better and will be better off without him. I don’t have to worry about waking up on my days off to care for a child who isn’t mine anymore. I have my life back.

HCBM took me and SO to court to try and get more child support. My SO has always paid a very high child support, however HCBM is extremely greedy (she refuses to work etc) and relies on CS to get by, because for a normal person it would be more than enough as we have 50/50.

However, this time her greed got the better of her. The child support got cut down by 60% by the court!

Just wanted to share this as a win, because court has been disappointing in the past for us, but this time they really put BM in her place. Not to mention, me and SO have much more wiggle room in our economy.

I (44F) recently got dumped by my long-term partner (49M) of 14 years. He didn’t explain why he wanted to break up, so I can only speculate, but it happened very suddenly, and without any discussion, after he returned from a 2-week international “work trip”.

As you can imagine, I was shocked. I was always a good partner to him. I supported him for years while he was unemployed, both financially and emotionally. I supported him in his passions and hobbies too, which were constantly changing and never even remotely related (most recently, for example, we took the motorcycle safety course and got our licenses together). Whenever he wanted to move to a new place, I never hesitated, even though I never got to pick the place. I paid to put him through school. I helped him raise his 3 kids, my 3 amazing step-kids, whose lives I entered in 2012. At the time, my youngest SD was 4, middle SD was 7, and oldest SS was 14.

Fast-forward to 2026: his career is doing great, my youngest SD just turned 18. So I guess, in plain terms… I hit my expiration date.

Still, I love those kids (well, now adults) with all my heart. I never had children of my own, but I’ve always treated them like they were mine. The feeling is mutual, and I have a fantastic relationship with all 3 of them.

Their BM loves me too. She introduces me to people as her sister. On the contrary, she absolutely can’t stand him. Even though I always did my best to advocate for peace between them for the kids’ sake, it was always tricky. It’s gotten even worse since the breakup. She views his behavior as incredibly selfish and narcissistic (honestly, I can’t say I disagree).

The oldest (28M) is married now and living out of state with his wife. He’s an incredibly talented musician. Whenever he records something new, he always shares it with me first because he knows I’m his biggest fan. I’ll listen to his music on repeat for months on end. I know every chord change, every drum fill, every note. His dad doesn’t listen to his music. He hardly even talks to him.

The middle one (21F) is 9 months pregnant with our first grandchild. The baby shower was last month. I was the first one there, and the last one to leave. My SD was so happy that I showed up, and relieved that I was there to help set everything up and clean up after everyone left. And she absolutely loved the little matching bonnet and booties that I knitted for the baby. Her dad, however, was not there. He didn’t even send a gift.

The youngest (18F) was wrapping up her senior year of high school whenever her dad chose to break things off with me. She was living with us at the time, and he unceremoniously threw her life into chaos two months before the poor kid was about to graduate. End of senior year is already a stressful time in any kid’s life without the added anguish of having your parents split up right in the middle of it. She’s also incredibly sensitive, and already struggles with depression and an eating disorder. Of course, he didn’t consider her feelings. He forced her to move to a new house (way further from the HS), and then uber to school for the last two months leading up to graduation because he was too busy to drive her (he’d gotten used to me always doing all the driving). He assumed she would continue living with him after she graduated, and so he rented a big house for both of them. This was not the case. Basically the second school was out, she called and asked if she could come live with me. I was so happy. I absolutely adore that kid, and having her taken away from me like that was like having a piece of my heart ripped out. It turned out she felt the same way, and that’s why she chose to live with me in my little house. We have to share a bathroom, but she doesn’t care, and neither do I. We’re happy together, without him.

As I type this, I can hear her laughing hysterically in her room talking to her friends. It’s a sound I rarely heard while we were living with her dad, but I hear it all the time now, and it fills my heart with joy. She’s also eating and sleeping normally again, and her depression seems to be getting a lot better.

I’ve been following this subreddit a long time. So many posts come from a place of frustration, and I totally get that. Being a stepparent can so often feel like the most unrewarding job on earth. All the responsibility, none of the benefits. And so I thought I would offer a different kind of story, one with a twist ending that I certainly didn’t see coming. Sometimes, sometimes, when all is said and done… they choose you.

Let me guess…

He’s quite a bit older than you. 5, 10+ years older?

You either don’t want kids or do and he promises he’ll have more with you.

But something has always felt off.

I’m the beginning, life was great. He’s a good enough dad which you actually found endearing. He treated you amazingly and you could genuinely picture your future together. Sure, he has kids. But he’s worth it, right? Besides, everyone has some baggage once you’re in your 30s…

After the honeymoon phase wears off, things start to change and the rose colored glasses slowly come off.

You moved in together and start to question whether or not you rushed things

Suddenly the peace in your home is replaced by chaos

The Friday nights you looked forward to all week are now replaced with dread in anticipation of someone else’s kids invading your space

The freedom and spontaneity you loved with your partner feels all but gone and now somehow now even your life revolves around another woman’s schedule

You accepted that your partner had kids but the reality of living with someone else’s children has become increasingly daunting

All the sacrifices start to feel pretty unequal

You bring up concerns about home life, house rules, or general flow but are met with opposition

You don’t feel like you can be honest because “you’re not a parent and wouldn’t understand”

Quiet nights at home and date nights out are replaced with screaming children and annoying kid’s tv shows

He feels guilty about the separation from his ex so he Disney parents and you can see his kids being raised to be entitled, codependent brats (but again, you can’t say anything)

You try to “nacho” but you physically feel sick and anxious whenever his kids are around

Child support payments are colossal and you find yourself feeling bitter that so much of the life you could’ve built together is going to another family

You realize that you are, in fact, paying for him and his kids

You look at friends and family who aren’t in a step parent situation and are envious of how easy their life looks

The resentment builds more and more every day

And worst of all, you feel that you are starting to completely lose yourself in this relationship. You’re a shell of the young, confident, beautiful woman you used to be. And have now given up years of your life to be on the periphery of someone else’s.

You are living your partner’s life. Not yours. Life is too short.

I signed a lease for an apartment yesterday. A one bedroom, just for me and my babies (dogs). I told SO he's welcome to spend as much time there WITHOUT the kids as he wants. The last two years have been hell. I've never felt so emotionally fragile, mentally drained and unhappy. I've never questioned myself so much. It took you guys to see that I'm not alone and friends close to me literally telling me "We are worried about you. We don't recognize you anymore. You look so defeated and broken down." to realize I don't have to live like this. SO and I are not breaking up, but I know that moving out after living together could be a step in that direction. But he can have the house and his shitty, screaming, spoiled, mean kids and I will have my peace and quiet and clean space where I'm not villainized just for existing in my own home.

Growing up I had a stepmother who I would butt heads with on a daily basis. I never understood why she was "so mean" and why she really did not seem to love me like my mother did.

Now that I have been a stepfather for 2 years, I get it. It wasnt that she hated me. It wasn't that she was this terrible person (although she said and did some very questionable things over the years) but rather that she couldn't win and she realized that.

She never attended my sporting events. Graduations. Band concerts. And at the time I never understood why. I think she tried her best for as long as she could, but eventually she realized that she could not win no matter how hard she tried.

I was a manipulative child. Even at a very early age I knew how to get under her skin and I routinely tried to put her against my dad. It was like a game and honestly I was pretty good at it.

I now see this in my stepson. Who even at 5 years old is very in tune with these things. My wife refuses to acknowledge it and if I bring it up it typically turns into an argument. 5 year olds don't lie! Toddlers are not manipulative! Newsflash.... THEY ARE.

If hug my wife, he will go out of his way to insert himself in between us. If we are cuddling on the couch? Oh no that's not going to sit well with him. He knows where I stand on him sleeping in our bed and he has tried to do so more frequently since he picked up on it.

The funny thing is that when it is just the two of us, my stepson NEVER disobeys me. He is like a different child.He knows the weak link in the chain is his mother and he exploits that to the fullest. I realize he is not the only problem and that it is actually my wife. But man is it hard to deal with.

Shout-out to all of you stepparents who are out there making it work. Working long hours. Bringing home the money. But no real say in anything.

I see you. And I feel for you.

Thank you for listening to my Ted talk.

I am in a bad mood today and am in the mood to just rip someone apart. Maybe it’s PMS, maybe not. Instead of ripping someone apart, I will write my thoughts out.

Ladies, just don’t do it. Your beauty will fade, your sense of self will erode, your passions and hobbies and the thing that makes you tick will stop ticking. Marrying a man is already a huge risk as it is. They are the ones that generally dont pull their weight around the home, they are the ones that struggle with emotional intelligence and predicting their partner’s needs, they’re usually the less present and active parent/partner even in nuclear families, they’re the ones usually doing the raping/molesting/emotional abuse, they are typically less clean than women, their moms and families are the ones causing hardship on the woman rather than the reverse, they’re the ones riddled with things like alcoholism/smoking issues/gambling/video gaming/porn addictions. They are just a pain in the ass objectively more than women. Now add their sloppy, loud, messy kids and you will want to shoot yourself lol. Because you should want their kids to be more happy and comfortable than yourself. You should magically care more about his kid than yourself because they were born after you. You being the adult means you are subhuman. You need to make their fantasies and dreams come true since mommy and daddy couldn’t figure it out and fucked up.

My number one piece of advice if you are going to involve yourself with men is stay away from the ones who have kids and a troubled ex wife (they always go for that hot but mentally unstable girl). They knock up the one who is totally unfit to be a parent and guess whose job is to clean up decades and generations of dysfunctions. Educated, healthy, classy, fit, responsible, mature, childless you :)

Just don’t do it.