This is a long, highly psychological approach. Take a sit.

32F, have been a limerent my whole life. Started my sex life way too early, always been obsessed with inaccessible men. When I finally get them for real, I quickly loose interest after a few months unless the relationship stays chaotic. When I can’t have them or they leave me, it can be so brutal I have nearly ended my life a few times (I also have BPD). Obsession, stalking, unable to function and so on… sometimes for years.

12 years of different kind of therapies behind me. I got the usuals : “you can’t love someone who loves you if you don’t love yourself”, “you’re trying to reenact your childhood abandonment trauma”… but it wasn’t enough and it never clicked.

For context, until yesterday I was in limerence for a man I’ve known for two months, dated twice and who treated me like absolute trash (he literally fucked 3 girls in a row the first night we had sex at a party, me right in the middle, and behind my back). It destroyed me completely, but as usual I couldn’t move on and wanted him back.

Currently in session, working with a method called “schema therapy”. Last week my therapist asked me to do a recap list of all my love/sex stories that have impacted me since forever. After my homework, I realized for the first time how my entire romantic life was an absolute SHIT SHOW. Despite a few longterm relationships, never once have I been in love in a healthy way. I have only “loved” men that I hated just as much. So it hit me, I don’t think I have ever truly loved anyone.

Yesterday session was probably the biggest eye-opening moment of my life. I’m not sure how well I can translate it but I’ll give it a try.

He explained that in my unconscious way of processing relationships, I was simply not seeing people. Not as human beings, ever, at all. What I am actually seeing is a mirror, a reflection of myself. As in, the way they see me entirely defines my value. I have no real sense of self properly speaking, and I am constantly looking for reassurance of my worth in the mirror that men represent. What this means, is not only that I don’t really value them as I thought I did (fantasizing the perfect partner when he is in fact a piece of shit), but also that when I feel like falling in love, I’m actually falling in love with myself.

Bear with me. This is THE CHASE. When a man is inaccessible, doesn’t want me, pushes me away, the reflection I get in the mirror is so awful that I can’t love myself - I actually hate myself so bad that it becomes a challenge to prove myself that I am worthy of love, through him, and finally be able to love myself.

This is why the feeling doesn’t last and I can’t sustain a relationship when a man does fall in love with me. Because I’m not in love with them to begin with, not as human beings. When they become real, I finally see all of their flaws and I can’t love myself anymore through them. The fantasy is over, my worth still being defined by their reflection, which is flawed, because we all are, and I didn’t choose them for the right reasons in the first place.

My tool is SEX. This is my bait. All of this is activated by an unconscious and stronger than anything drive for POWER and CONTROL. I realized that when I’m rejected, ignored, I am actually more ANGRY than I am sad. The less control I have, the bigger the obsession.

To sum it up, I realized that when I fall in limerence for someone, it has actually not much to do with who they are, but everything to do with me and what I need to prove myself. Yes, sometimes physical chemistry is real, but it’s also biased and emphasized by the need for power and control when I feel it slipping away. It NEVER means emotional or intellectual connection when you don’t actually know or love someone for who they are.

And just like that, I saw him as he really is. A pathetic, immature, disrespectful, lost cocaine and sex addict. He’s not even that attractive looking at him with my bare eyes. I can’t say I’m never thinking about him anymore, but it changed everything. I don’t feel the urge to stalk, I don’t want to run into him in the streets, I’m not waiting for a text or an apology anymore. I know I’m done. I deserve better than him and I don’t regret anything. I actually feel POWERFUL, and in control again. I am able to choose, and see.

I also believe this realization is the right path to start looking for true connections and maybe one day, actually fall in love with someone for who they really are.

I highly encourage you to write the list. Walk in full conscience when you start falling in limerence again. Look for your own wounds and how getting the LO could fill them. Emphasize their flaws. Try to take a step back and wonder : what about you would YOU love more, if they loved you?

If you’re still here, congratulations, and thank you. I hope it resonates with someone here.

Many days it’s feels like this when the limerence breaks for just a minute. Or when you look back at past LOs

Here’s what ChatGPT thinks of us. Spot on and sobering. But also funny. 😆 Sometimes ya gotta laugh. 🤣

This hits home.

Complete post is found here: https://www.instagram.com/p/DRzlZncCH5s/?igsh=ZnJtNGV3cnQxNG4=

i'm usually the one limerent over people, which is why i joined this subreddit, but i kind of had a wake-up call recently spending time with someone who i realized was limerent over me. i always thought my tendency to romanticize and idealize my LO's was romantic (if doomed), the feelings worthy of poetry and music. but i was misguided, i realize now. it's an uncomfortable feeling, being put on a pedestal, being seen as this fantasy manic pixie dream person. it feels almost fetishizing, my personhood rendered invisible... we initially bonded over our shared music taste, and i think we had a natural bond, being similarly sad people who related to mitski a little too much. but it was too quick, too intense, how he felt for me soon after. we met when we were both traveling, for a brief two days, and before we parted ways he admitted he wanted to keep seeing me. i gently let him down, told him i wasn't looking for a relationship, but he basically disregarded what i said and booked a flight to my city a couple weeks later, saying he needed to see me again, to see where it would lead. i was uncomfortable with the idea, and hinted as much, but it didn't go through i guess, he just saw me as a projection of his fantasies and was blind to what i myself wanted. i used to think limerence was the ultimate flattery, to be adored and loved, but i realize it's actually selfish, we expect our LO's to save us from ourselves, not recognizing their own personhood outside our rose-tinted view.

when we met again it felt unnerving how he would stare at me, like i was something he wanted to consume. because it wasn't even me he saw, but a projection of his fantasies, an escape from his own problems. it was strange, i understood him and where his feelings were coming from, having been there before, but felt this gaping incongruity i suppose in how he saw me and who i really was.

I've always wondered why the people who i had intense feelings for never seemed to be really interested in me, whereas the people i casually dated and wasn't limerent over seemed to be more interested in pursuing a relationship/etc. i realize now i probably made my LO's uncomfortable; people want to be seen as people, for who they are, flaws and all, and not as some idealized projection for someone else's problems...

• Learn to love yourself and know that there isn't someone that "completes" you. Two complete people need to come together to form a proper relationship, not too halves, it only causes neediness.

• Decide that you want to live in reality, not a fantasy world. Or do you choose a forever in a daydream or live your life fully, every second of it? Butterflies are fun but it's only an addiction, not a real connection.

• Find a person or a relationship with who you can heal and be safe with. Safe may feel boring and scary, but if you choose avoidant people constantly, you will forever stay in your fantasies because they probably can't give you what you need.

• Find passion in other aspects of life. For me it's my job and these days I get so much out of it. Not that your relationship can't be passionate, but the truth is, it always isn't.

• Know that you still might feel the limerence, especially with your LO. Let the feeling come, but let it go also.

Not professional, these tips are just based on my own experience and thoughts.