I've been stalking these subreddits for a while and I thought just reading people's stories would help me. Or If I found someone with a similar situation and I could see how they did it, but I guess my situation is unique. So here we go.

First, let me be clear. I don't care if you think this is fake. I don't care if you want to rip me a new one after I vent. It already happened. I thought I was okay. I thought I moved on, but after last weekend. It all came back and that anger I had back then just came in full force and even though I'm back home with my fiancé. That anger towards my ex just won't go away. I spent years in anger management for what she did and the situation that was created and I thought I was okay. Right now I just turned 39. I was 18 when I met my ex Marisol. During that time, I was a gangbanger with the Latin Kings. I was in a member since I was thirteen and always in and out of trouble.

Marisol was a church girl. my grandmother dragged me to Sunday Mass and when I saw her, to me, it was love at first sight. I asked my cousin, who was a friend of hers if he could introduce us, but he refused. He didn't want me to mess with her. He didn't want me to "ruin" her. Have you ever met someone that you wanted to make yourself better to be with? Wanted to be that man who would walk the right path? That was her. When I found out that she was going to church almost everyday, I hung out by the steps, talking to her. I always walked her to and from church. She made feel like I wasn't worthless. One thing led to another and we were dating and I felt great. For a year and a half I pushed myself away from the gang life, got my GED, became a regular church goer and was thinking about the future when I got unintentionally pulled back in.

I was at a store and ran into someone that I used to have problems with. They were running their mouths and I tried to ignore it, I swear I did. I just let them talk and I walked away, but then I got stabbed in the shoulder blade and I lost my mind, I beat the shit out of him. I got arrested and suddenly it was like the shit I did to make my life better vanished. Marisol was pissed at me, my grandmother kept bringing up my past mistakes and my cousin was telling me that he knew that I wasn't going to change. My public defender saw me trying to better myself and by the grace of God, got me off after a month in lock up. Despite being angry with me Marisol did visit me almost daily. A month after I got out, I found out I was going to be a father and I didn't want my kid to have a dad that was dead or in jail.

We eloped, I went to a trade school to become a mechanic and I busted my ass for my future family. When Luna was born, it was almost the worst day of my life. Marisol wouldn't stop bleeding. She went into shock and they had to give her a double hysterectomy. She was in the hospital for months and Luna became my world. I wanted her life to be the best, I wanted to give her the world. When Marisol was released, I promised her that our daughter will have a life far better than ours and for years I kept that promise.

I saved enough money to move us to the suburbs, became homeowners, I was girl scout leader if you could believe that. I made sure Luna went to private school, made sure she knew how to defend herself and always made sure I was the perfect husband. I didn't know my parents. Didn't have a positive male role model in my life, so I didn't know what a healthy relationship looked like... that's a lie, T.V. dad's were my male role models and I mimic them and the marriage they had on T.V.

As the years went by I owned my own garage, my cousin became a Pastor, my grandmother was still a pain in my ass, my relationship with my wife was stronger than ever, I made sure I kept my prison body, but Luna... Luna hated me. Since she turned thirteen she just started hating me. She didn't want me to hug her. Rolled her eyes every time I told her I loved her. Ignored me when I ask her about her day in school. It hurt me and Marisol saw it. She told me that she's a teenager and that I should just let it ride. She will come back to me. For two years it was like that. So for her Quinceanera, I wanted to go all out. Got everything she wanted and she was still disrespectful and briefly the old me almost came out just to put her in her place but instead, I went to my cousin, vented my frustration and doubts about being a good father and he told me to just let her be and he said a prayer for me.

I wanted a slide show for the father-daughter dance. I got a chunk of the the pictures of us together, but I realized I didn't have any recent pictures of us. She didn't want to take any. The last time I had pictures of her and I smiling with me was on her thirteenth birthday and those were on my daughter's broken tablet. I took that tablet, went to a repair shop and I didn't care the cost. I needed that tablet fixed. After a day and three hundred dollars. The tech fixed it and I was happy. I knew her passcode, but I never bothered invading her privacy. I just wanted those pictures and when I opened that tablet and looked in the gallery, there they were. My little girl, smiling and happy to be with me. I felt great. Then the instant messages appeared. It was my daughter talking to my wife. It was a long banter that she didn't want me to dance with her and it did hurt, but like my wife said, she's being a teenager. Then she said something that destroyed me. She texted why she had to do the father-daughter dance with me since I'm not her father.

I felt my heart stopped, I got dizzy, my mouth dried up and I needed to sit down. My wife responded that I raised her, I loved her, and that's makes me her father. But Luna responded by saying that my cousin is her father and she can't wait for her to turn eighteen so she could tell me the truth and she could live with her real dad. That she hated me, that she thanked God that I'm not her father. Marisol began cussing her out. Saying that it was a mistake for my cousin to tell her the truth two years ago and the more they talked, the angrier I was getting. My wife lied to me for fifteen years. My cousin whom I confide my issues about Luna and my fears about being a bad father not only fucked my wife, but had me raise his child. I wanted to hurt them. I felt a mixture of anger, sorrow, grief. I wanted to scream, cry, and die at the same time if that makes any sense.

I went to a dark place and so I wouldn't do anything stupid, I told Marisol that I needed to focus on work so I could pay the Quince and instead I drove to Manhattan and saw my old public defender who wasn't a low level attorney anymore. He had a nice expensive firm near Midtown East. I was surprised that he remembered me, but apparently, I was his first case as a public defender. We sat down and I told him everything. Gave him the tablet and when he turned it on, the messages just kept coming. Only this time, Luna was talking to my cousin, her real father and he was telling her to give me a chance. How I was always there for her, but Luna told him that so was he. How it makes sense that they have so much in common and even called him Papi multiple times in their conversation and he responded and told her that she was his little girl. We went through our options and he asked me what do I want to do? and I told him that I wanted to go full scorched earth. I wanted to poison the well and he asked me several times if that is what I wanted and nodded. I also told him that everything had to be filed before the Quince in two weeks.

So we sat down and spent the next twelve hours on what was needed to be done and I followed his instructions to the letter. I secretly placed my business for sale. Called the private school and told them that I will not be paying for next year. Closed the college accounts, and the savings that I had for Luna and prepared to place my house for sale online. No one was the wiser. I followed his instructions perfectly. There was only one thing I deviated from. The day of the Quince.

That day went off without a hitch. The whole family was there. Luna was smiling, having fun. Marisol kept asking me if I was okay and I lied to her. It was hard lying to her, from the moment I met her, I never lied to her and during those two weeks, every time, I kissed her, held her, made love to her. It was hard not to scream at her. It was hard not to hate her. She knowingly let me raised another man's child. She slept with my cousin, a man who saw as my brother, the godfather of my child, the best man when I eloped, my confidant. So the rage was hard to suppress to say the least.

When it was time for the father - daughter dance, I called her to the center of the stage. She looked annoyed, but walked over. I had the music playing and she smiled and it tore me apart, seeing her smiling at me. For years I wanted to see that smile again and now I didn't want it. As we dance, I had the slide show playing. Pictures of the two of us and towards the end of the song, screen shots of her text messages with her mother and real father.

Needless to say this didn't bode too well. Marisol looked like she saw a ghost, Luna just kept staring at the large screen and my cousin just stared at me with fear. Marisol ran to me and told me that she could explain and I told her that I filed for a divorce. That she could explain it in court. She grabbed my arm, begging me and I pulled back. I told Luna that I busted my ass to give the world, and now she doesn't deserve it. I began to walk out, but not before telling my cousin that every time I see him, I'm going to knock him out, then I knocked him out.

The aftermath was harsh. Marisol and Luna was at my grandmother's apartment. Her family was shocked and disgusted with her, they wanted nothing to do with her. Her father actually apologized to me. I don't know why. He never liked me despite turning my life around. That man hated me, but now I was the perfect husband and father, but just a few days prior I was the "former piece of shit." My grandmother had to audacity to tell me about the story Abraham and how when came back from battle three years later, his wife had a one year old child and he raised him as his own and how I should be like Abraham, so I told her to get the fuck out of my house.

Marisol came a few days later, crying as soon as she saw me, telling me that it was an accident. That when I was arrested she was so angry at me and my cousin was there to console her and one thing led to another and they had sex. It happened only one time and she was faithful to me ever since. She was willing to take a lie detector test to prove it. So I asked her how long she knew Luna wasn't mine and she started crying more. That look she gave me just told me that she knew from day one and asked her to leave. She wanted to go to counseling, telling me that I'm overreacting and we could make it work. It was in the past and I needed to get over it. That I am Luna's father, despite what happened and I allowed my temper to get the best of me. I must've repeated "get over it?" over a dozen times at full volume while grabbing her shit and tossing it out the door. I called her a lying whore. I told her that I didn't want to see her fucking face ever again, and I told her that this life that I built, no longer belongs to her before shoving her out the door.

A couple of weeks went by and she kept blowing up my phone. Not once Luna tried to reach out to me. Marisol was shocked to learn that I sold my business. Even more so when she learned that I had an open house. She came in screaming, telling the viewers to get out of her house and pleading with me to seek help. That I was ruining our marriage. That I had no right to sell our home. The home where we raised out child in and I told her that this house is full of lies. It's a house where I raised another man's child and when I sell it, I will give her half and ordered her to get out before I called the cops. It was a bluff, all she had to do was play the victim and I would've been arrested, but she didn't, she complied. Shortly after this my cousin came to talk to me and I knocked him out, dragged him outside and closed the door.

I refused mediation, Marisol wanted to reconcile, but I didn't. I wanted a divorce and my attorney filed for a fast track divorce and in three months we were in the Nassau county courthouse, I barely spoke to anyone during that time, I read horror stories about the court system, especially during divorce proceedings, but I didn't have that. I had a female judge who was very fair. My attorney took care of everything. First, Marisol's lawyer tried to talk about my past when I was in a gang, as if my past barred a reason for me to be a terrible husband and father, but my attorney quickly smacked that down and the judge reprimanded her attorney for trying to shame someone who turned their life around.

My attorney presented all the evidence and offered a lump sum alimony payment with the pending sales of the house, and business. At first Marisol kept asking me to reconsider, but I ignored her and when she finally realized that I'm not budging she agreed. Yet the real surprise happened when it came to child support. My attorney presented all of the text messages from Luna's conversation with Marisol. Showing that not only Luna knew, I am not her father, but she cannot wait to be with her real father, saying that she no longer has to live a lie. Marisol was completely caught by surprise from this. Then my attorney filed a motion to have my name removed from Luna's birth certificate, have my last name removed as well as not being responsible for any child support since all parties agree that my cousin was her father. Marisol was shocked by this. She yelled at me, begged me not to do this to Luna that I am her father because I raised her and as pathetic as I may sound right now, but if Luna didn't act that way towards me. If she didn't say those things, I would've agreed. There were moments that I wanted to reach out and try to make it work, but then I would look at Luna's continuing text messages to her friends, her real father and mother and I refocus on my resolve.

'Til this day, I don't know what hurts the most. Being lied to by a woman who you thought was the love of your life or having a child who you tried to make their lives better, to give them the world, just toss you aside like trash.

The judge was quiet for a long while reading page after page after page of the text messages. In the end, she agreed. I was not financially responsible for Luna and my name could be removed. My attorney also file a motion for the courts to go after my cousin to pay for child support and a motion to sue my cousin in civil court for all the money I have spent raising Luna. The private schools, dance classes, girlscouts, horseback lessons. Everything I have ever spent on that child and after my attorney explained to the judge that my cousin committed fraud for knowingly allowed to me to raise his daughter and not offer any financial support or assistance. It was a hail Mary, and the damn judge agreed.

I didn't bother looking at Marisol when the judge made her decision. I didn't bother listening to her as I walked out the courthouse. I didn't care as I heard her cry. Her telling me that she only cheated one time and was faithful ever since. I just didn't care anymore. A few weeks later my ex called me, shocked that I stopped payments on Luna's private schools and all of her activities, and told her to call her baby daddy before hanging up. Even Luna called me, first time since this entire ordeal and she fucking calls me crying that she has to go to public school, that they were moving to the old neighborhood and how scary it was and how she wanted us to be a family again. I told her to go to her real father, the man who she truly wanted and ask him. I yelled at her, told her that not only she knew for years, but I read all the text messages, the back and forth and from her own words, she was thankful that a hoodlum like me wasn't her father, even though I haven't been a hoodlum since the day I found out I was going to be a father. I hung up on her after that.

I thought about ending it countless times. Thought about ending my cousin, but I made him pay. He had to pay me a half a million dollars. A half a million that was all mine and not one cent belong to my ex because she agreed on the lump sum. I didn't care that the money came from the church. I was hurting. I left New York shortly after, went to Idaho, as furthest away from New York as possible. I just picked a random state and city and just left. Opened up a new shop, got a house, but for two years I had trust issues. For two years, I saw a therapist, anger management, I went to rage rooms. It was difficult. Until I found myself going back to church and ironically that was where I met my fiancé.

Joslin is wonderful, she just turned thirty at the time and we just hit it off. I told her everything that happened to me. I explained to her that I'm going to have trust issues and she understood. A year later, she told me that I was going to be a dad and insisted that for me to have a DNA test, just so I can have peace of mind. I forgot what it felt like to be happy again and when my son was born, I was overjoyed. I called my grandmother for the first time in years. She cried, and when I told her about my son, she insisted that I come to New York so she could meet her great grandchild. Guilt tripping me by saying that she's ninety and would like to see me one more time and I agreed.

We flew to New York, rented a car and drove to Bushwick. The one thing I dislike about the hood. You only need to see one person from your past and the whole fucking neighborhood knows that you're back. My grandmother saw my son, met my fiancé, made an offshoot comment in Spanish about her being white and I just yes her to death. I was planning to spend the week, do the tourist thing for once. It was Joslin first time in her life in the big apple and I wanted to make it special. Damn it, nothing works out as planned. First my ex shouted my name from down stairs. I looked out the window and was surprised how fat she got. My grandmother told me in Spanish to talk to her and Joslin agreed.

I went down stairs, was awkwardly silent for a minute and that anger just came back like a flood. Marisol told me that I look good and said that she looked like shit. She told me that she missed me, that she never been with another man since the divorce and I ignored her. She even had the audacity to tell me that I'm a grandfather and I gave her a look. Apparently Luna got with a decent guy, and got knocked up at eighteen. Her baby daddy joined the Marines to support them and Her father wanted nothing to do with her, just pays the child support and refuses to acknowledge her. He's no longer a Pastor and is working at the Banco Popular two blocks over. Then told me that Luna named the baby after me and I couldn't stand looking at her.

Marisol wanted me wait because Luna was on her way over and I just walked away. I went to my grandmother's house and I didn't have to tell Joslin anything. She just knew and we left. In the elevator I told her what happened and she smiled and told me everything was going to be alright. The look on Marisol's face when we left the building. She was looking at my Fiancé like she was the other woman and Joslin without missing a beat introduced my son to her. Well she said "I would like you to meet his biological child." that was a knife twist, but she knew my pain.

Marisol kept trying to stop me from leaving. Telling me that Luna felt bad about what she did and Joslin wanted me to make amends, but I was so angry. I hopped into the car. Ignoring Marisol's pleads and Joslin told me to extend an olive branch, so I gave her my number, so Luna could call me and left. At the red light I saw my cousin by the cuchifrito stand and I don't know what came over me. I got out the car, ran up to him and beat the shit out of him. Joslin was screaming, telling me to stop and when we locked eyes, I could see the fear. I spit on him and left.

I'm back home. Working, being a dad, and a good fiancé to a beautiful woman. Yet since going back, when I'm alone with my thoughts he anger comes back. Luna did text me with a picture of her smiling with her son and telling me that she was sorry for what she did. Yet, I don't know if she's sorry that she missed me or if she's sorry because the man she wanted to be her father wasn't the man she thought he was. I'm so confused and I'm scared to reach out to her. I want to get past this. I want to move on. My family was my everything, my daughter was my world. Even after these years it still hurts, it still makes me angry, but I know I need to move on, but it's hard. I want to reach out to Luna, but I'm so scared. I have people telling me to let her back in, but all I could think about are those text messages and the lies. The constant lies. I need help and my usual methods are not working.

Thank you for reading this, I needed to vent. Like I mentioned, I don't care if you think this is fake. I really don't give a rats ass, but your help is appreciated.

Update:

I'm waiting for the mods to approve this, it's been a while and yesterday was father's day. Luna tried calling me several times and I looked at the phone. I wanted to answer, I didn't, but all that kept lingering in my mind was those messages. What she said to her mother, to her real father, her friends. So I ignored it, eventually I listened to her voice mail and she sounded so cheerful, she briefly apologize for her actions, but to me, it didn't sound sincere, just passive. Maybe I'm overthinking it. She mentioned about her son, her finance and asked me to call her. Simple requests and I became infuriated. My grandmother and my fiancé are telling me to give her a chance, but when I asked my grandmother if Luna or Marisol ever asked about me in the four years I left, she said Marisol did, constantly, but not Luna. So in my twisted mind I think Luna wants me in her life to her child would be taken care of. Or maybe she wants to milk me and that made me so angry.

Even Marisol tried calling me constantly and I'm already thinking about changing my number. So I spent the majority of my father's day in the gym, hitting the heavy bag and I have an appointment today with an anger management group. Maybe they can give me an outside opinion. If this ever gets published by the mods. I would like to get your opinion as well. In the meantime, I'm just figuring this out on my own.

Update #2:

I would like to thank luigionfigi42 for his advice on sending an email as a start. I sent a small email to Luna that simply said "what do you want?" didn't expect the multi-paragraph response. She started the email profusely apologizing for how she acted. She said when she found out I wasn't her father, she was angry. She confronted her mother and she cried, making her promise not to tell me. Since she felt "lost" she began to talk to my cousin, her real father more and more. He told her of my violent past, the things I used to do, things that I kept a secret from her. This made her angry and the more they spent time together, the more she pulled away from me. She said she felt bad from time to time, but my cousin would reinforced her feelings towards me.

The day of the quince she said while we were dancing, she realized how stupid she was acting. She realized how much I loved her and then her messages appeared on screen. In the days that followed she was told by my wife's side of the family to give me space. To not call me and she listened. She said she was watching her family fall apart because of her and she couldn't do anything to fix it. She told me she understood why I did what I did. Yet she wanted to reach out. Her grandfather kept telling her that I loved her, that I raised her, and despite what I saw through her messages, I will do the right thing and she believed him. During the divorce her mother fell in a dark place. Not talking to her, barely eating, she was just existing.

When she found out that my name was removed from her birth certificate, she said she had a panic attack. Her mother told her that they will have to move back to Brooklyn and when she asked about her life and school. Her mother told her "That was the life your father gave you, and he's not your father anymore." so she called me, begging and I cursed her out then hanged up. She cried for days. She tried to reach out to my cousin who pretty much ignored her. She even went to the church and he told her to leave. Called her a "mistake". Her mother refused to talk to her, basically locked herself in a room, only leaving to use the bathroom or take a shower. She begged her grandfather to take her to see me and when they came to Long Island, she learned that I moved. Her grandfather told her that he will talk to my grandmother and find out where I went.

for the next two years, according to her, it was hell. The entire neighborhood knew what happened to her and her mother. Her "father" avoided her at all cost and tried not to pay child support. It took her grandfather to threatened him to start paying. In the meantime, her mother didn't talk to her. She was just locked in her room. The few times they did spoke, she called her a ungrateful girl and she was the reason why she lost the love of her life. Her grandfather had to put her mother in her place by telling her that her infidelity was the reason why she lost the love of her life and she locked herself back into the room. So Luna barely stayed home and that was how she met the father of her child.

He worked in the corner bodega, they were the same age and after a few months of "talking" one thing let to another and she ended up pregnant. Her grandfather was furious, but when her boyfriend insisted that he would marry her, that cool things down. Luna said her pregnancy was a blessing in disguised. Her mother began talking to her again and even began leaving the room to be by her side for every check-up. Being a senior in High School while pregnant was cliché but she made it work. A month before the baby was born, she graduated, and her boyfriend joined the Marines. He wanted to elope before leaving, but she wants a wedding.

Her boyfriend had no issues naming his son after me. Apparently, his father was absent and the fact he was a junior was a reminder that he shared the name of a man who didn't want him. When she heard I was in town, she got a speeding ticket trying to get to my grandmother's apartment. She wanted to see me. Wanted to apologize, wanted me to see her son. She just wanted to see me. However, she was late and she cried. When her mother gave her my number, she wanted to call me immediately, but the entire neighborhood was talking on how I beat her "father" up, so she waited. Her mother was sad to see that I moved on and have a son. Luna was happy to know she had a little brother, but her mother became a little more depress. I felt sorry for Marisol.

After I read the email, I called Marisol and asked her if this was true. That she refused to talk to Luna for years and blaming her for our divorce. She confirmed it and at first I yelled at her, but I regained my composure when I hear her crying. I told her to move on. Find someone else, but she said no. She told me that I was her husband and I will always be her husband. It broke my heart a little. I then had my grandmother go see my cousin so I could talk to him. The second he heard my voice he began to cry and begged me to forgive him. I just asked him why he didn't be a father to Luna? Why he poisoned her against me and he said it was envy. He was in love with Marisol and I took her from him. When I was arrested, he console her. Manipulated her, and barely last a second with her and she realized what she was doing and shove him off of her, but he already came.

When she found out she was pregnant, he knew the baby was his. They both knew. It was supposed to be a secret. Marisol took her double hysterectomy as God's punishment for her infidelity and deceit. When Luna turned thirteen, he was drunk. Seeing my life, and envy was the one sin he couldn't shake. So he wanted to ruin it... and he did. I told him when we see each other again in Hell, I will be his eternal torturer and hung up on him. Joslin was there for me, she told me that everything will be okay.

Luna and I commented through email. I spoke to her on the fourth, she spent over an hour crying while talking to me. I even spoke to her boyfriend who asked me permission to marry her. I thought it was funny, but honorable. My wedding is next month and Joslin wants me to invite Luna. At the same time, Luna wants me to give her away for her wedding in November. My future father-in-law sat me down and told me that he couldn't grasp my situation, but respect the road I took. Because the road save his little girl, gave him a handsome grandson, and a future son-in-law that he would kill for. That made me laugh. But he told me that I need to let go of the anger and start forgiving, but never forget. He's right.

So we gave Luna an invite to my wedding, even offered to pay for the plane ticket, her boyfriend or should I say fiancé said that he will work it off at my garage when they arrive... I kinda like him. As for me giving her away. I don't know yet, let's see how the wedding happens first. Thank you again for the advice and the few DM's. No one was rude or disrespectful. You guys helped me so much. I'll update if something happens, but for now, I have to get things ready for my wedding next month.

Might be my Final Update:

A lot has happened in such a short window. Again, I would like to thank the large number of support within the DM's. Of course there were hate messages, but all I could say to those people, what you would've done and what I did are two different mindsets; and until you go through the same situation or something similar - don't tell me how I should've felt. Leading up to the wedding I was already on eggshells. Joslin was the happiest I have ever seen, my in-laws were freaking due to the number of people that were coming. I swear, I think the whole town came. While all of this was happening, I was an hour and a half away in Boise waiting for Luna and her family at the airport. In the days leading up to her visit, we spoke. A lot. Her mostly crying, apologizing and me just listening. When she couldn't speak anymore, I was talking to her fiancé who is more down to earth.

When their plane landed, I was so scared. Not for seeing her again, but I was afraid due to my anger. I was afraid that I would lose my temper. The second she saw me at the terminal, she ran to me, crying and for a split second, I saw my daughter when she was seven. I was weird, picturing a child in my mind. She ran screaming Daddy and the second she hugged me, she began to cry loudly. It was like a wail that caused so many people to look at us. She just kept saying sorry over and over. Asking me to forgive her and I just held her for over fifteen minutes. She refused to let me go. It took her fiancé and I to convince her to do so. It was as if she felt the second she let go, I was going to vanish. After she composed herself, her fiancé properly introduced himself and then they introduced me to their child. I won't lie, I cried. I wasn't angry, but I cried holding this infant. Luna was also the splitting image of her mother when she was nineteen, which made made me wonder about Marisol.

During the drive home we talked about her fiancé's boot camp, how he's going to be a career man, how Luna was going to college online to learn accounting, mostly catching up conversation. When we arrived at my house, Joslin and her family has a spread ready for them. Since we've been together, Joslin learned how to cook Spanish foods, but the week leading up to Luna's visit; she went a little overboard. Yet I get it, she wanted to make an impression. Her and Luna just hit it off, every few minutes Luna would walk towards me just to give me a quick hug and go back to Joslin. I was just holding my son and my... grandson.

While Joslin was introducing Luna to her family, I put the babies to bed and I went to the porch for some fresh air. Luna's fiancé was standing by foot of the yard, staring at all of the bisons roaming around. For a moment I wanted to give him the dad talk, but I felt that it wasn't my place. Instead I asked him how he liked the view and he was awestruck. I know the feeling, living in the city the majority of your life, wide open spaces is a marvel to take in. After a minute or two he looked at me and told me how regretful Luna was. "I've been with your daughter for three years and not a day goes by when she mentioned how much she misses you and regret what she did." out of everything he told me, that single sentence constantly replays in my mind. Her fiancé's name is Roberto for a man who is only nineteen years old he acts and talks like a man in his thirties. That tells me he had a rough life to mature so quickly. I know the feeling.

The following day, I had to go to the shop and Luna practically jumped in the car with the baby. Even Roberto told her it was okay and to enjoy herself. Luna looked like she was going to hyperventilate and I told her that we'll work a half day and I'll spend the rest of the day with her. That seemed to do it and I slowly began to realize how traumatized Luan was. During the drive I asked Roberto how bad was she? she has severe abandonment issues constantly afraid that he's going to leave her, despite him telling her that he will never. She calls him a lot, a bit clingy at times, and in the beginning, afraid to do be herself in fear that they will break up. He had to reaffirm his love for her just so she could let her guard down a little. This was my doing. I know that, but he doesn't blame me. He told me he completely understood why I did what I did.

Allow me to say that Roberto is a terrible mechanic. He knows nothing about cars, so I had him clean up to the shop so he could 'work off' the plane tickets. We closed early and when we arrived, Luna practically ran towards me. She looked unhinged. I told her that I'll be back and she went to her fiancé, when I walked into my house, Joslin told me that Luna needs to be reminded that everything is going to be fine. That I won't leave her again. I didn't know what to say, but Joslin grabbed my hands and told me that Luna is hurting and she needs her father.

For the next couple of days I spent all of my time with Luna. Getting reacquainted with her. I took her to my in-laws ranch and showed her the Bison's, the Elks, and took her on a hike. Two days before the wedding I apologize to her for leaving. I apologize for the way I acted, apologize for the actions I took. She didn't want to hear none of it. She told me that there's nothing that I should apologize for, she said she knows she was the reason why it all fell apart, that she knows it was her fault and I had to stop her. I began to cry, I told her that it wasn't her fault. I was angry, I was hurting and despite what happened, I should be the one who should apologize. We both cried and just held each other.

Luna appeared to be slightly better, on the day of my wedding she was happy. In the last minute, Joslin made her into a bridesmaid and Roberto a groomsman. The wedding was beautiful, during the reception I asked the deejay to play the song from Luna's quince and I asked her to dance with me. She was crying the entire time, holding on to me for dear life as we danced. I haven't felt this happy in a long time. I let Luna and her fiancé stay in my house, taking care of her little brother while I went to Hawaii for my honeymoon. When we got home, she was happy. She hugged us it felt great. Roberto told me that he's going to Camp Dwyer in Afghanistan and would like to know if Luna could stay near us. He would pay for an apartment near us, until he could buy a house. Of course I said yes. They went back to the city the day before yesterday.

Like I said, it's been eventful. Luna's wedding is in November and Roberto is leaving in December. Roberto sent me what constitutes as a years rent for a townhouse community three miles away from my house. However, Joslin suggest we should put a double wide on our property for Luna and let her save her money to buy a house when Roberto comes back. Marisol has been blowing up my phone and based on the messages she left, she's not happy that Luna is moving. Right now, my focus is my family and to mend my relationship with my daughter.

My last two partners have cheated on me. The first was a very serious relationship. We lived together, we talked about marriage and buying a house. He even took two pictures of us as kids and photoshopped them together to show what our kids might look like one day (the result was terrifying but hilarious and I had it as the background of my phone for a month).

I walked in on him sleeping with my step-sister.

Now she's pregnant, due in the near-future, and he's with her. I know he's not happy. I know he regrets what he did. I know that he loved me. And none of that stopped him from fucking my step-sister in our bed.

I've spent so long now being upset at her and writing him off as just a bad decision that I wasted time on but now I find myself mourning what we had. My step-sister and I grew up together and have loved each other most of our lives so it felt like that was the betrayal. But he and I chose each other. Out of all the people on the earth, we looked each other in the eyes, committed to each other, and made the promise to stay faithful. And he lied. And he lied and he lied and he lied. And he let me go on loving him while he lied.

And then a few months ago another guy comes into my life and for the first time in ages I felt hopeful. I thought to myself that maybe I could actually move on and live my life. I wasn't in love with him but he was the kind of man I thought I could fall in love with. We were exclusive for about a month. Before we made the decision to be exclusive, I told him everything that had happened with my first ex and told him that I could never be with another cheater.

I wake up on New Year's Day to a text saying we're done. When I tried getting in touch, I found out he'd blocked me everywhere.

Turns out, he met someone at a New Year's party, and hooked up with her. Instead of telling me, he just blocked me everywhere and sent a lackey to message me a few weeks later with the real story and a half-assed apology.

I want to be angry and maybe a part of me is. But as I'm sitting here, I'm just thinking...

What if it's me?

What if I'm just not loveable?

What if it's never going to happen for me?

The thing is, I've been a pretty confident person. I went through bullshit as a kid but I got through it and grew stronger. I'm pretty good-looking (though I've admittedly put on a little weight in the past couple weeks), I've been told that I'm fun, I hold down a good job and make decent money. I also live my life according to my values. I've always put my family and partner first because that's just how I believed it should be done. And I thought that I would be prioritized in turn. I've lost most of my family because they'd rather have my step-sister's baby in their life than me. My friends have been fair weather, for the most part, and I know that I'm a laughingstock in my friend group, as much as they pretend to pity me to my face.

I feel the little spark I've always had fading. I don't chime in on conversations anymore. I've stopped putting on cute clothes when I go out. I don't plan anything so I don't have anything to be disappointed about.

Soon I'll be the same age as my mom was when she died. I never knew her but I've always loved her, thinking of her watching over me. I don't remember the funeral but it was one of those funerals where there wasn't a dry eye in the house. She lit up a room, people tell me, she was a good woman. In my worst moments, I wonder what it would be like if I died right now. Would anyone cry? Would anyone care? Would anyone even come?

Anyhow, sorry for writing a novella. Just... not sure what to do anymore and who to talk to. If you read all this, thank you.

Previous Update

TL;DR: I had Emily served divorce papers. I made arrangements and informed everyone who needed to know about the divorce. Everyone freaked the fuck right out.

I left Emily.

We got the divorce papers (summons, petition, standing orders, etc). The PI, acting in his capacity as a process server, wore a body cam for obvious professional reasons and I was able to look at the footage when he came by my hotel room later on in the afternoon.

The PI walked up to Emily who was sitting at her station and chatting with the other stylists who work for her. He showed her a manila envelope and told her he had legal documents for her and she had been served. Emily of course looked shocked and confused and just stared at him, gobsmacked. The PI clarified that the envelope contained legal documents regarding a divorce case filed against her and he told her she should review them and contact her attorney. Then he dropped the documents at her feet with a satisfying SLAP as they hit the ground since she refused to take them and told her she's still been served. He then told her to "have a nice day" and walked out. (Morgan Freeman Narrator voice: Emily Didn't Have A Nice Day). I could hear her hyperventilating as the PI left and saying "What?? What is this??". Really, Emily? You're actually surprised?

I was at home and after the PI called and said he was heading in to serve her, I called Emily's dad. Since my mom died, I had (probably unwisely) been treating her mom, my MIL, like a mother. I just couldn't talk to her. I told Emily's dad about the divorce. I tried to keep it very simple and quick. Emily cheated on me. We're getting a divorce. I'll send you an email shortly with evidence of the affair. I stressed that Emily was being served divorce papers today, so she would absolutely need their support and they should head over to our house immediately. Emily's dad acknowledged that and said that he hoped we could find a way through this and it would be a shame to break up our family. I guess Emily's mom was nearby and overheard because she took the phone from him, put it on speaker, and asked if this is true. I explained to her about the cheating and the email with the evidence they'll receive. She started crying and apologizing to me. Since this thing started she was the first person close to me who apologized to me. I was reminded of my mother, who always would comfort me when I was down, and I just BROKE, y'all. I started tearing up and croaked out "I have to go" and hung up on her while she was saying "no wait".

I had packed up my work laptops and got a lot of my clothes in 2 large suitcases. On the advice of my attorney, I took down the cameras in the bathrooms and bedrooms when I left, but the cameras in the common areas can remain because my dad is the owner of the house. I packed the cameras up in my suitcases too.

My lawyer sent the subpoena to the credit card company on Monday when I pulled the trigger on my marriage.

I wrote an email to Emily's dad and sister and to some mutual friends who know both of us, including Bev's husband. It said:

"I never thought I’d be writing this, but after everything that’s happened, I don’t see another choice. I wanted you to hear it from me directly so that there’s no confusion or misinformation.

Emily has been having an affair with a man named John (Last Name). I have evidence: emails, financial records, and an investigation that confirms it. I think we all know that her bracelet gift "from santa" was not from a client, because the client would have identified themselves by name and clients don't know her parents' address. She’s been meeting John and hiding it from me for months. I know this is painful to hear, and trust me, it’s even more painful to write. But I didn’t want you to be blindsided by all of this later.

I’m attaching a few things to this email that make it clear what’s been going on and to head off any of your concerns about the truth of my statements. I know this is shocking, and I don’t expect you to take sides. I just want you to have the truth. I love Emily, but she’s broken our marriage beyond repair, and I have no choice but to move forward with a divorce.

(FIL's name, MIL's name, SIL's name, SIL's hubby), thank you for being like a second family to me. I will miss all of you."

I wrote a similar email to John's wife and gave her my attorney's name and number if she wanted to go see the physical evidence herself. It would have to be in my lawyer's office. Personally I think my lawyer is going to try to get John's wife to give her a retainer.

I also sent a group text for them to check their emails (except for John's wife IDK her number). Then I blocked Emily's family.

To the email I attached a photo of John and Emily kissing goodbye in the hotel parking lot and a photo of the contents of John's valentine's day card to Emily (it was explicit). Finally I had a link to the recording of Emily saying that I didn't abuse or cheat on her. I just wanted to head that bullshit off ahead of time.

I texted this to Bev's husband:

"Hey (Bev's Husband), I need to tell you something, and I hate being the one to do this. But you deserve to know.

Emily didn’t cheat on me alone. She had support. She had help covering it up. And unfortunately, that help came from Bev.

I don’t know if you were aware, but Bev knew about the affair the entire time. She didn’t just know about it. She encouraged it. She helped Emily justify it, she helped her keep it from me, and she even made excuses for her when she started feeling guilty about it.

I have proof, and I wouldn’t be saying this if I didn’t. I’m not asking you to believe me blindly, but I think you should ask Bev some direct questions. Watch how she answers. Watch her reaction.

I’m sorry, man. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. But I couldn’t sit back and let you stay in the dark. Believe me or don't believe me. Either way, my conscience is clear."

I then left my wedding ring, a printed copy of the same photo of Emily and John at the hotel parking lot kissing, my lawyer's business card, and a note (thanks for your help on this, guys). The note said:

"I hope your affair with John was worth our marriage. We are getting a divorce. Contact my lawyer if you have any questions or need to get in touch for arrangements regarding the divorce. Otherwise, get a lawyer and let's get this over with. If you're truly remorseful, then do me the courtesy of giving me the easiest most generous divorce possible. I loved you and I could have forgiven almost anything, except abject betrayal. I would have loved you for the rest of my life."

On my way out, I got a call from Emily that I ignored. I put my phone on silent and dropped by the bank. I took out half our money from the various accounts we have. (checking, emergency, vacation fund). I have already frozen my credit. When I got to the hotel, I canceled our shared credit cards. I made arrangements to freeze our joint investment accounts so that she couldn't withdraw money from them. They're in my name. Adultery subreddit pro tip: People, if you cheat, make financial arrangements ahead of time in case you get caught.

I then got a text from her. I left her on read because my lawyer told me that if she confesses to the affair over text, we can use that as more evidence for the divorce. I'm responding to her texts here only. Because it's therapeutic to me.

Messing with the language/writing of her texts because I'm paranoid. This is the condensed version of the past 12 hours or so.

"WTF is this???" (I'm divorcing you). "Answer ur Phone! We need to talk RIGHT NOW!" (Nope. I have had enough gaslighting for a lifetime, thank you very much). This was followed up by a lot of texts demanding I call her or answer her calls (no thanks).

Then the texts changed. So I presume she got home, and read the note and saw what I left. "I don't know what u think u know, but I can exp evything. It's not what u think!" (You're right, Emily. I'm a stupid idiot who'll believe anything you say). "DIVORCE??? We LOVE each other! We're supposed to work thru this mistake!" (Mistake? Oops, my wet hoo-hah fell onto John's erect wee-wee. Repeatedly. For almost a year. OOOPSY!). "Look I know I fucked up. But don't do this. Don't leave like this." (Finally, an acknowledgment of the affair over text. Zing. Right to my lawyer). "I never stopped loving u. I NEVER LOVED HIM." (ANOTHER gift from Emily. Zing. Right to my lawyer).

Then, the tone changed later. "Ur overreacting. Ur acting like I never loved u, like I wasn’t trying to fix things, but U WOULDN’T LET ME.” (Fix things? OK. Build a time machine, Emily. Build a GOD DAMN TIME MACHINE).

"R you just going to GHOST ur own wife??" (Consults magic 8 ball: All Signs Point To "Yes").

Then, her parents showed up at the house. HOO BOY.

“WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO???” and then "U had NO RIGHT 2 involve my fam like this!!!” then followed by "R u trying 2 humiliate me?? R u trying 2 ruin my life??? Do you hate me that much now??” (Kinda? It's Complicated).

After that comes a barrage of phone calls that I didn't answer.

“How could u do this? How could u try 2 turn my own fam against me?” (I'm not, I'm trying to have them not turn against ME) and then “I TOLD U I NEVER LOVED HIM. I NEVER LOVED HIM.” (No one cares, honey. Least of all John).

"I know u love me. I love u too! We can fix this. We can fix everything!" and then “Just tell me what 2 do. Tell me how 2 fix this. I’ll do it.” (Let me get this straight. You wiped your ass with our marriage vows and stabbed me in the back and now you want ME to tell YOU how to fix this shit?? I had to go to walmart because I forgot to pack underwear and I don't have a rich sugar daddy to buy me some fancy skivvies from Saks Fifth Avenue.)

"U never loved me if u can do this 2 me.” (Fuck this shit. I am going to have to block her instead of leaving her on read. I don't think I can take this, man.)

So this is how a marriage ends. No fanfare, no heroic deeds, just whining, crying, anger, and depression. Just like any other divorce, really. Only this is MY divorce and it feels like the end of the fucking world. But in reality this is all just beginning. I feel this whole process is going to take years. I hope not. My lawyer assures me that, with the evidence we have, it'll go relatively quick. Meanwhile I'm thinking "What? Relatively quick? Relative to what? Continental drift?"

At this point, I just want to thank you beautiful men and women who supported and encouraged me. I'd vacuum out all your cars if I could, and clean your bathrooms.

I just want a falling anvil to hit me in the head and cause amnesia like a cartoon character or a Hallmark channel movie.

I know this is tonally all over the place. I keep second guessing myself if I did the right thing. I just changed my life today in a fundamental way. I'm wondering if it's a lateral move. I feel like I've moved from a warm cesspool to a cold gray rocky place. Is it an improvement?

I feel like I have these scars now and the one who gave them to me is the one person in the world I trusted the most. I will NEVER forgive her. Now I have to buck up and walk it off like a real man because feelings and tears are weak and a turn off.

I just want my mom.

-----------

Next Update

So 11 months ago my than husband left me for an AP. They had an emotional affair. It was textbook ILYBINILWY. Confusing infatuation with love and comparing a 13 year mature relationship with the limerance of an affair.

During that time I met a man I didn’t know. He would become cold as ice. Telling me how unhappy he was for years. How he never loved me. That I was perfect but he deserved someone more special. Other days he would be a crying mess, hanging on to me for dear life. Looking at me as if I was just the most precious thing he was losing.

He pulled a face then, that I will never forget. It was like my old husband was in there watching this all but unable to help me or to change anything. He would well up, and it would be this combination of sadness, regret and shame.

All it ever did was give me this unique feeling that I call hateful disappointment. I hate how much he disappointed me. How little he did to save us. I know AP came for him hard but all he had to do was say no! That is it. But he kept feeding it until he was in so deep he couldn’t go back

So I am no contact for like 8 months, have not seen him. All I pick up is that he is bringing AP everywhere and they try to explain they did not have an affair but she helped him through his terrible divorce ( it was over within a month sooooo… yeah terrible). People tell me she is a bore and a basic b. I know that. I don’t care. I keep joking she must be looking really pale, as she can’t get from under my shadow.

Anyway, I heard he was happy with AP. He is telling the story of how she showed him what real love is and how happy he is. She is the one! She gets him, he never felt this way ( fun fact: he said all this before about me )

Anyway I have been losing weight and I look hot AF. I get a lot of compliments that I look radiant. I was driving and as per usually I was singing and smiling in my car. Now I like cars and I saw a very pretty one from the brand my ex works for. It pulled my attention ( I never look at other drivers but I was looking at the car)

It was my ex driving it and I only noticed because he startled and that made me look at the driver. There it was again. That sad teary eyes face. Like the love of my life is trapped in the body of an incredible a-hole bound to make it work with a woman so far below me It is ridiculous.

I was to slow to respond . So he only saw me smiling. Like always , like the person I always was. Happy go lucky and full of life. I had the same feeling only now it is a bit muted. I just think, you sad sad man! What have you done? What have you won?

I hope she is worth it, but I know she’s not. More importantly I know he isn’t worth it.

Bye Felix

My story, at the onset, is your typical infidelity discovery. M27, engaged for 6 months, fiancé acting distance, gone at weird times, sex infrequent/excuses. Found the texts. She’d been sleeping with a guy (married, w/kids). Took pics of all of them.

This douchebag was “coaching” my fiancé on having affairs. He’s been doing it off and on for years. Like it’s acceptable. (and yes, its in the texts)

Here’s my success story. This transpired late spring. Wedding was planned this summer. Zero hesitation, was no way this was going happen. I was done.

1. I work for a huge company. Position openings galore right now. Interviewed and secured a position in a place I always wanted to live.

2. Gave notice to my landlord. Fiancé lived with me. Lease entirely in my name. Filed unlawful detainer.

3. Got a new phone plan and new number.

4. Plan was to end relationship on a Thursday. My last day in apartment was Friday. Movers scheduled. (Impeccable timing. She had a girls weekend getaway planned that weekend. 🙄)

5. Arranged to have sheriff at my place for 4 hrs. (cost me $200). We can hire off-duty in my county.

What transpired that Thursday-

Fed Ex’d screenshots to her parents & APs wife. Both with respectable notes. Her parents were out a lot of money having to cancel wedding with short notice. Felt bad (eh, not really).

Turned old cell phone service off.

Met with deputy, explained situation. Presented court documents. Dude was cool.

She came home from work. Told her we were done. She needed to pack and leave. No explanation. Just that I was not ready to be married. Of course she was a mess. Deputy moved it along. Took a few hours. Tears transitioned to anger.

That evening, blocked her on everything.

Was on the road by Friday afternoon.

It’s almost 3 months now. The new job, new scenery, meeting new people.

Have been NC with most everyone.

Mutual friends tell me she is not doing well. The ones I keep in contact with now know the story.

Her parents contacted my parents and apologized. They asked for my information but my dad declined to share. He did tell me to call them. I may out of respect.

Her sister, who I failed to block, messaged me on FB. Wrote she understood why, but felt I could have handled better.

My ex-wife, Ann, and I are in our mid 30s. We were married three years; together five years total. After our engagement party Ann told me she wants to get matching tattoos. I told her I have nothing against tattoos, I just don’t want one. After the wedding she again asked to get matching tattoos. I said no again. I told her she can get a tattoo if she wants but I’m not interested. She said it’s something she wants to do as a couple and won’t get one unless I get a matching one. I still refused but she brings it up again every six months or so and is more insistent every time.
Recently she was promoted and transferred at her job. One of her new coworkers has several tattoos and she has spoken to him about it. He suggested I wasn’t a man if I was scared to get a tattoo. She asked me if I was scared to get a tattoo. I said, I’m not scared, there's just no reason to do it, then added, “I understand why your friend at work would insult my manhood. He’s trying to get into you pants. But why would you throw his words in my face?” Her response was, “If the shoe fits.” Then she got up, went to the bedroom, and slammed the door. That was when I began to suspect that she was sleeping with the co-worker.
She didn’t talk to me for two days. A few days later she told me she was going shopping. That evening she came home and showed me her new tattoo; two Chinese symbols on her forearm. She said they mean strength and independence. When I looked closer I saw there were English letters, JW, beneath the Chinese ones. I asked her about the initials. She was silent a while, took a deep breath, and said they were her co-workers’ initials. He had taken her to his tattoo artist. He had suggested those particular Chinese characters. He stayed with her and lent support while she got inked. She wanted to honor that support and their friendship so she had his initials tattooed beneath the symbols.
Controlling my anger, I told her that having another man’s initials tattooed on her body was disrespectful to me and that she should have them removed. She said I was trying to control her, that I had said she could have a tattoo, and I refused to share the tattoo experience with her, so she had chosen to share that experience with a friend who wasn’t scared of a little needle. I sat there at a loss wondering how could she not see that it’s disrespectful?
We barley spoke the next few days and when we did the tattoo was always the subject. She said I should get over it and there’s nothing wrong with having JW’s initials tattooed on her arm. I asked if she was sleeping with JW. She hesitated, then said yes and actually sneered at me. “At least he’s a man,” she said.
The detail of our breakup and divorce aren’t important other than to say that it was not contested. The few times we spoke during the process we were civil to each other. The day the divorce was finalized I called and told her I finally had a good reason so I got a tattoo. I said my tattoo also symbolizes strength and independence. My tattoo is the date our divorce was final. She was silent a while. When she began to cry I hung up.

Last Update

I got an STI test a couple weeks ago. It's negative but my doctor gave me the HPV vaccine because it wouldn't be detected by the tests. He said if I've been exposed it could take years to show up. So he told me to check my dick for warts for the next several years. So good news I have a new hobby now.

It turns out, that in my state you can't record someone one-sidedly unless you are involved in the conversation, so the conversations between Emily and Bev and Emily and John are ILLEGAL and I broke the law. Since I have attorney client privilege, and she's the only one I sent them to, I'm good. But I have to delete them. The emails I downloaded are still evidence, though, so we have good evidence there. I suppose the recordings served their purpose in that I know for sure about the affair.

On the advice of my attorney, I hired the PI she suggested. I gave him the info for the GPS tracker on Emily's car. He said that after hearing my story (including details I didn't share here) he decided he was going to follow John rather than my wife. It didn't make sense to me at the time but he said that it sounded like John was more into my wife than she was with him, so John would probably be the one initiating contact rather than Emily. I figured oh well he's the pro not me. He assured me that he's seen cases like mine before where the spouse was not serious but just looking for some fun on the side and because of the withholding of attention, it causes the AP to double down on the relationship and pursue more. He said women don't like needy men and men don't like needy mistresses. Makes sense.

On the sage advice of all of you (and my lawyer), I stopped having sex with Emily. I told her there were layoffs coming at work and I was really anxious and not in the mood. I don't know why, but she seemed really frustrated by that. It's been difficult living with her and pretending.

John and I get the same treatment (well I guess he got slightly better treatment for a while) but I'm the lucky one because I get to hear the sound "I love you" bounce off of my eardrums from that hole in the middle of her face and John doesn't. HASHTAG BLESSED! It used to mean so much to me to hear that. I'm so god damn angry that she's made me hate her like this. I want to love her again so badly. My therapist says the technical term is "ambivalence". Thinking about it makes me want to vomit.

Valentine's Day

The PI said John left flowers and a gift at my wife's salon. The PI said when Emily came to work and saw it she threw everything in the shared dumpster in the strip mall without even looking at it. She was pissed. My PI retrieved the gifts. It was really expensive lingerie and a dozen red roses. The gift had a valentine's day card the flowers had a message note too and there was definite proof in that note and card of the affair. They were practically love letters.

Emily left the other girls at the salon and went to meet up with John. PI got it all. They met in a far corner of a hotel parking lot. The whole thing took around 45 minutes. It was an intense conversation. The PI said Emily seemed angry and shook her head no a lot. He said he thought John was trying to coax her into a room, lots of touching. Nothing overtly sexual happened but the PI said he's seen cases won with less and that their body language, behavior, and the way it panned out is the kind of thing judges look for in adultery cases. It was obvious that they had a relationship. It was at that time that I got a weird "I love you" phone call from Emily. I remember her voice was off. It was like she was trying to check in on me.

My attorney advised me to photos of Emily's appointment book for the last year or so. Emily likes using a physical calendar book to write everything down. I noticed there are appointments with John in the book too. Before, I would have just thought of them as business meetings because Emily said John was mentoring her in small business stuff. I found a Mont Blanc pen in her purse near the appointment book. I guess that's another gift from John because I sure as hell didn't buy it for her and she always just used BIC pens before.

Emily was busy with work the rest of the day and night on Valentine's Day as she had a bunch of ladies who wanted to get specially made up for valentine's day dates with their spouses/boyfriends. Anyway, she worked as usual on Valentine's Day. She came home tired, half heartedly tried to initiate something, but I just pampered her because she seemed exhausted and so I put her to bed. I didn't pamper her for her sake. I did it for me. I wanted to be a good husband so she'd somehow miss me more when I'm gone. I wanted to prove to myself that I'm not worth cheating on. Does that make sense? Maybe I'm love bombing her in return in my own way. Is this the pick me dance? Because I don't want her to pick me. I can't decide if I'm doing it so that it hurts her more when I'm gone or because I know I'll miss moments like these when I leave her for the last time.

The good news in this zombie shitshow that my marriage has become is that the parking lot meeting and the valentine's day gifts were enough that, when added to the other evidence, we can finally have Emily served. We're going to have it done privately with the PI. He's also a process server and can get it done quickly.

It was probably a mistake accusing her of cheating on NYE. Emily knows that something's wrong. She's staring at me a LOT. I can see it in my peripheral vision. It would be creepy if it weren't so pitiful. She keeps asking for some kind of reassurance that we're doing good, since we're not making love anymore. I keep lying to her but I guess I'm not the great Shakespearian actor I thought I was.

I just can't get over this betrayal. I wish I could. But I can't and I never ever will. It doesn't matter that she didn't love the guy. She had his junk in her and had her mouth on it and came home and kissed me with that mouth...for NINE MONTHS. I'd just hate myself for going back to her. I'd further hate myself for treating her badly because of jealousy and resentment. No one deserves being treated like a convicted felon for the rest of their lives by their spouse. Would any reasonable person want to live like that? Would that be enough for anyone? Should I be resigned to a life of policing Emily and keeping her under lock and key until she resents and hates me later on and probably cheats on me again? Either that or I'll be an emotionally dead zombie who says "yes dear" while stamping down my emotions and anxiety every time she walks out the front door. Who would love someone like that? I'm not going to live like that. I love who I thought she was too much to let her live like that.

That's why I'm going to ghost Emily when she gets served. The plan is to have her publicly served, to start the process of having John's credit card statements subpoenaed (lawyer says it could take months for this to pan out), tell Bev's husband about her complicity in Emily's affair, and to email/text Emily's dad and sister, John's wife, and some mutual friends with the news. I'll pack and leave before she regains her footing after being served with divorce papers. I plan on leaving a short note, my lawyer's business card, and my wedding ring. My lawyer told me to leave a note so she doesn't have an excuse to start making trouble. I was thinking about writing "DO YOU LIKE RICH SUGAR DADDIES? YES _x_ NO___ !" (My therapist says I use humor as a coping mechanism). I know I won't do that, though. I'll either write this long manifesto or something super short. Another infidelity poster on here wrote to her cheating SO: "I know. Bye." Brevity is the soul of wit.

I know myself. I know that Emily at least thinks she loves me, whatever that is. I know she'll beg and plead and cry and appeal to me in every possible way: our history, our families, our plans, everything. She'll dress up and make herself look stunning. She'll pull out all of the stops and I'll cave. I'm not ghosting her because I'm strong. I'm ghosting her because I'm weak.

I used to think it would hurt worse if she had actually fallen in love with him. But now? That would have been easier. If she didn’t want me, at least I’d have my answer. Instead, she wants me, but she’s already broken us beyond repair. That’s worse.

I'll update after it all goes down. Should only be a few days.

------------------------------

Brief Update:

Emily is going to be served at her salon tomorrow morning. Fridays and Saturdays are busier for her so she opens earlier. The PI is meeting me at my hotel in the afternoon to show me the body cam footage. He asked if I wanted to see it and I said yes. I don't know why. I just want to see it. I'm kind of on the fence but leaning towards seeing it. He can't email it or post it so he's just going to bring his laptop to my hotel room and show it to me.

I'm staying at an extended stay hotel for a couple of weeks. My dad's friend has a house they're gutting to make an AirBnB out of and it'll be liveable by then but not yet ready to be rented out. I'll stay there and do some work on it in the evenings after work and on the weekends. Nothing huge. Some dry wall, painting and laying down vinyl plank flooring. My social calendar is going to be pretty empty and it'll get my mind off of things.

I'll update tomorrow evening after this shitshow explodes.

Last Update

Personal Note: I didn't think this would blow up like it has after the original post was buried and overlooked. Thank you for all your advice and for the personal stories and experiences you have private messaged me. I'm sorry I haven't been able to respond to you all.

Let me say that I'm not really interested in joining any "cause". All you need to do is have a cursory look at the relationship subs and you'll see there are just as many women heartbroken by infidelity as men, maybe more even. It's not a sexist issue. It's an issue of low character and morality, Having low character and morality has nothing to do with your gonads. I have had both heartbroken men and heartbroken women PM me their stories and I see very clearly that this issue is not delineated by sex.

If you don't believe this is real, I don't know what to tell you. Sorry. Please block me and ignore me if it's a bother.

On to the update: TL;DR: I got info from the VAR. She's definitely cheating. I'm angry and heartbroken. I already have a lawyer. I've been looking at lawyers since before Christmas. Like a lot of you said, I'm going to have to get a PI for good evidence for an at fault divorce. My dad is taking our a HELOC on his home to help pay for it.

I checked the VAR recordings from Emily's car and I got some info.

There was the usual business and personal calls, and some Taylor Swift sing-a-longs.

The first call of note was with John. Apparently she had not talked to him since NYE. She was angry with him for sending the gift at Christmas and keeping her late at NYE. John was dismissive and cocky at first. Emily then told him about how I asked her if she was cheating on me during NYE. That got John's attention and he was asking all kinds of questions. He seemed really interested if I had mentioned him by name at all (I DIDN'T). He said he thought she was handling me. He told her that they should be safe if she has always used the card. She said she did. He asked her if she wanted to meet and she started crying. She told him that the relationship has stopped being fun for her and that they should stop and she wasn't going to lose her marriage over this (TOO LATE HONEY!). He told her that she should just keep lying to me. He seemed really worried about his wife finding out (OH, SHE WILL, ASSHOLE!!). He told her not to call him again on his phone and that they'll talk the next time they meet. He also told her to be sure and delete everything off her phone and computer. She said she already had.

Her next call was to her BFF, "Bev". Bev knows about the affair and my wife was crying. Emily told Bev about NYE and that she thinks I suspect something and Bev told her to keep lying to me but also told her she should probably end her affair because I would definitely divorce her if I find out or if she confesses (DING DING DING! BEV KNOWS ME SO WELL!). Emily said she is in the process of ending her affair with John.

I always considered Bev a mutual friend. I've met her husband. We've been out on "couples dates". He's going to get a message from me outlining his wife's liberal views on infidelity as well as a link to the recording of her phone call (I'll check with my lawyer first). Interested in both men and women's views on this. How would you feel if you knew your spouse was actively encouraging their friend to hide their infidelity and talking about how it is with their cheating friend? Should I be pissed at her??

I did some web searching and anonymous asking around on social media and, on the advice of stuff I got here on reddit, met with what I think are the three best family law attorneys in my area. I had official consultations with them. I did this so that two of them wouldn't be able to take my wife's case because of conflict of interest. What they didn't tell me in those reddit comments/posts is that the really good family law attorneys don't do free consultations. They charge you for them and then some pro rate that charge towards your bill if you select them to represent you. So I ended up spending $1600 for all that. Just FYI.

I'm not super rich. We have a lot of money saved up but I don't want to tip her off by touching that. My wife's business is doing really well, but she has the "what's mine is mine and what's yours is ours" attitude when it comes to paychecks and I didn't mind until now. I make 6 figures as a senior developer and we don't have a mortgage or rent payment. When my mom died, my dad moved down to Florida to The Villages. He lets us stay in his house rent free. It's already paid for. I say this because my dad is taking out a HELOC on the home to help me pay for the divorce attorney. A really good divorce attorney is very expensive, I've learned. The plan is to refinance it in my name after the divorce is over. Meanwhile, I'll be making the payments by writing checks to my dad. The HELOC is still pending, so I'm paying with a credit card I took out for this occasion. I'm pretty much certain my credit score will be shot to hell after this.

I talked to my divorce attorney and gave her the recordings and she said it was good evidence. I told her about how Emily is ending it with John and about the card John mentioned. She told me to take a picture of the card if I can find it and send it to her. I asked her if it was legal to do that and she said yes because it's accessible within shared marital property. She's going to subpoena the card statements. As far as Emily ending it with John goes, my lawyer said maybe but don't count on it.

My attorney also told me the same thing y'all told me and that's I need to hire a PI. She told me she had a good one . I told her I already had all this evidence and she said that evidence and testimony from a PI carry more weight with the court because a PI knows how to get admissible evidence legally and is impartial. She told me her goal is to get enough evidence so that any attorney my wife got would settle rather than go to trial because she'd subpoena John and John would be exposed too. She told me she wouldn't be surprised if John paid for my wife's attorney, which would be a dumb idea for her because that attorney would mainly have John's best interests in mind. But, since he's paying for everything else, she'd probably go for it. I'll be meeting with the PI on Monday.

Meanwhile, Emily is love bombing me. She's telling me how great I am and how much she appreciates me and how lucky she is. She's talking about starting a family before she's 30 (NOT WITH ME, YOU'RE NOT). She wants us to go on a long romantic trip that she's planning on paying for with her money (with John's card probably). I want to scream at her and tell her I'd rather slam my dick in a car door but I have to keep playing nice (for now).

Fuck this shit, man. I can't believe this is my god damn life now.

I want to hug her and kiss her and make love with her again but then I remember her mouth was around that asshole's junk. He completed in her mouth and she came home and kissed me with it. I had sloppy seconds for 9 months. But she LOVES me! I love her and I hate her. I'm walking cognitive dissonance. My attorney told me to get into counseling. I will. I think I need to. I just want to run away from her and towards her at the same time. Does that sound stupid? Am I going crazy?

A bit of a summary here - I am Megan, F28. 'Brad' M31 was my ex-fiance who cheated with 'Andrea' F27, who used to be my best friend since we both were like 12 years old. She is now pregnant, and their wedding date has been fixed. It is about 2 months away. I moved from San Francisco back to my parents' place in a small town in the South, and I am attending therapy while working from home. Andrea's family lives less than a mile away from my parents' home, and they have known us since Adam. Brad is from SoCal, born and raised.

Admittedly, this is a super short summary. So many things have been said, but that paragraph above captures it adequately I guess. Please read my previous posts if you'd like the dirty details.

Both their families had informed me that they would not attend the wedding and that these two people were now dead to them. I made it clear to both families - do not miss the wedding on my account. If you feel like attending it, please do. I never told them, directly or otherwise, to miss the wedding. It was a decision that they themselves made.

I always thought that though they promised me they would not attend, they would eventually come around because of the baby. After all, nothing tugs on the heartstrings better. And while I would have been initially unhappy that they eventually DID attend, I knew I would understand in time. Everything was going well, till this happened. The alternative was that they would not attend the wedding, but a few months down the road they would reconcile as the baby would be born by then. I was okay with that too. After all, I do not control these folks.

Brad and Andrea tried to reach out to me last week in a desperate flurry of texts and calls from different numbers. By my reckoning, at least 6 different numbers were used. I began blocking them as soon as I knew it was them, but they did get a message across to Andrea's family who then forwarded the message to me. In it, they called me 'selfish and vengeful' and that my 'selfish acts' were preventing their families from attending their dream wedding. I was being 'immature' and 'idiotic' and 'had no right to destroy their special day'. They said I was responsible for their families not attending the wedding(not true. I NEVER told them not to attend) and said that I was 'always welcome' too.

In fact (listen to this, y'all.), if I attended their wedding AND convinced both families to attend as well, and if they ever had a daughter in the future, they would name her after me(They are expecting a son now.).

My blood boiled when I read all of that. And now I know what has to be done. I will do everything in my power to ensure that both families do NOT attend. These two insects will be alone that day. They might be able to beg some people to attend and bribe them with catered food, but they will be utterly alone and unwanted by both families.

So, yeah, tell me I am an evil person. I might just enjoy it.

Original Post

When I originally posted, it got buried and ignored due to karma limits. Here's an update:

TL;DR: On Christmas, Emily got an "anonymous" gift from John. It pissed her off. On new year's she left, promising to come back in time for the countdown and kiss, but didn't and was very late and ugly cried way too much about it. I ordered a bunch of spy stuff off of the internet to do my own investigation.

UPDATE

Since my first post, I did a lot of reading on reddit and other forums about how to spot and catch cheaters. Her phone is password protected and I don't know the password. She's also pretty good about locking her computer and it was just a fluke that I was able to catch it before. So I knew I needed to get evidence. The following is not my idea. This is all advice I got by obsessively reading reddit stories and comments (as well as other forums).

I ordered some cameras off of the internet that look like smoke detectors. I convinced Emily that our home insurance would go down if I put smoke detectors in every room. I ordered a book off of the same site called "How to Be a Great Husband: Discover the Secrets to a Happy Marriage Without Changing Your Wife" and I left it around for her to see. She did and I could tell it made her uncomfortable. I got a GPS tracker and a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) along with some strong velcro for putting it under her drivers' seat. Unfortunately you have to subscribe to a service to use the tracker but I figure I won't be subscribed to it very long.

Now, this has all been happening from when I first became suspicious until now. Just a couple of days ago (1/20) is when I finally got everything set up.

When I got the VAR, I tested it by hiding it in the table centerpiece and I sat Emily down and asked her questions: "Honey, I am doing a personal inventory to try to be a better husband and partner. To that end, I wanted to ask you some serious questions and I want some serious answers. Do you feel I have ever abused you in our marriage? Do you feel I've ever cheated on you in our marriage? Is there anything you feel I could do to improve myself as a husband?" Again, I ripped this off of a comment I read on a cheating story on reddit. I didn't come up with this.

To the first question, she said no of course not. To the second, she seemed reluctant but answered no. To the third one she said she wished we made love more. We've fallen off quite a lot since I got suspicious for obvious reasons, but I tried to initiate a couple of times just to keep her complacent. My hearts not in it when we do it and I think she can tell. I asked these questions so that she couldn't make up stuff about me abusing her or cheating on her later on. I don't think she would make up lies about me, but I didn't think she'd cheat on me either, so I don't know the woman any more.

The VAR got it all. I transferred the recording to the cloud. I put electrical tape over the display of the VAR so there wouldn't be a glow under her seat at night, and I plugged some cheap wired ear buds into the jack on the VAR and then snipped it off at the plug so that the VAR wouldn't make any noise. Again, I got all of this info off of reading sub reddits and forums. I didn't come up with this.

Rolling back the clock to Christmas:

CHRISTMAS:

On Christmas, we spent eve and day with her family. It was their turn. Her sister was there with her husband and kid as well as her parents. We were at her parents' house. It was just an hour away. My parents live a couple of states over.

Christmas Eve day, she got a gift bag delivered to her. I didn't see who dropped it off. My MIL said it was "some teenager". The gift bag said "To Emily From Santa". At first she thought it was from me I think. I assured her it wasn't. It was a gold bracelet. Apparently it was pretty nice. Her mom and sister oohed and aahhhed over it.

When asked where it came from she said it probably came from a bridal party that was getting married on the 28th who wanted to reward her for giving a group discount and doing it last minute. She told us that they said she should expect a bonus. Yeah it's ridiculous but I nodded my head. MIL and FIL sort of followed my lead like it was no big deal. Let me be clear that I knew it was from John. The bridal party would have signed their names, not wrote "From Santa". Emily must think I'm special needs to fall for that. I just got angry in the moment that she had that little respect for me so I excused myself to the restroom.

Later on I saw her in the back yard on her phone. She seemed angry and was gesturing wildly. I figure she was reading John the riot act for almost exposing their affair.

NEW YEARS:

She had the wedding on the 28th and was working with another bride for a wedding on the 4th. Whenever her phone would go off, I'd wonder if it was him. On new year's eve during the day, she got more buzzes and dings on her phone than normal. She would look at them annoyed. I asked her what the problem is and she said the bride getting married on the 4th is a real bridezilla. That night she said she had to step out to go meet with bridezilla. She told me she'd be back in time to kiss me at the countdown.

She came back at around 1:30AM. She was crying, sobbing actually, going straight to the bathroom and coming out 10 minutes later. I told her to calm down and asked her what the problem was. She said she was so so sorry. I asked why she was sorry. She said because I missed the NYE countdown. I told her she was entirely too upset for it to be just that, but she assured me it was. She even held my face between her hands and stared at me and told me she loved me.

I asked her if she had anything else to tell me. She assured me that she didn't. I asked her point blank then if she cheated on me. She swore up and down that she didn't and that she was upset because she missed the countdown because since we have been married we always kissed each other when the clock struck midnight.

I gave her every opportunity to come clean and she still lied to me.

Since then, I got the cameras and the other stuff and installed it all. Now I'm going to wait to get more tangible evidence as well as start consulting divorce attorneys.

I expect it will be a while before I update again. I'll be hanging out on reddit, though. This place is addicting.

EDIT:

Trying to head off comments. Getting real undeniable proof is important because my family loves Emily. They think of her like a daughter. In her family, she's the "golden child" who can do no wrong. If she told them I was abusive or a cheater, her family would believe her. My family would probably take my side but they'd definitely interrogate me to make sure I didn't abuse her.

When your spouse cheats on you (physical, emotional, etc) what they are actually DOING is bringing an UNKNOWN VARIABLE (the other person) into your life, and the life of your kids. The are ALLOWING a potential chaotic storm into a formerly closed system. This person could have a criminal record OR be a criminal, have mental health issues, be violent, be suicidal, addicted and of course may have an inclination to blast everything on social media.

When your spouse cheats, they are bringing this UNKNOWN Variable's baggage into YOUR LIFE and making it part of YOUR LIFE, and that of your children. They allow the family to be a potential target of destruction.

When your spouse cheats, it means that NONE OF THE ABOVE ever occurred to them. They didn't think about long term consequences. They didn't think about the destruction it could cause. They didn't think about this other person as a potential agent of chaos. They didn't think of this because 1) they didn't care and/or 2) were so guided by their lower brain that they couldn't even think rationally for a second. There are many reasons why but at the end of the day its a glaring failure to ADULT and an act of gross irresponsibility.

As a burntoutattorney that practiced family law (and recently dumped that shitshow of a caseload), I have seen it all, both in my criminal and family law practice. I've seen credit cards wiped out by the other person, i've seen the pissed off other person blast horrible stuff on social media, ive seen careers and livlihoods lost, ive seen children taken from their parents because the other person MOLESTED them, i've seen property damage because the other person got drunk and crashed the cheating spouse's car. I've seen the other person show up to the house and get in a fistfight with the betrayed spouse. and of course, unintended pregnancies.

So when you are considering whether to take back a cheating spouse, don't discount the chaos your cheating spouse introduced into your life, and what that TELLS you about the person you married.

Found out my boyfriend was cheating a few weeks ago. Been spiraling since. Literally only running off of vengeance and pure disgust.

I got this weird gut feeling and checked his phone while he was asleep. Those 20 minutes locked in the bathroom felt like years, and the shame keeps me from talking to anyone about it. I moved across the country to be with him, so I’m all alone. No friends or family here.

He woke me up the next morning with kisses and breakfast and has been doing so a lot, lately. Probably the guilt.

He even bought me flowers for the first time ever. After me hinting at wanting them for years.

He thought my quiet crying was out of happiness. He even brought up buying a house for us, something with enough space for potential future children.

I’m still going through the motions. Making his breakfast and protein shake everyday, packing his lunch, making sure dinner is almost ready when he comes home from the gym.

What makes me the angriest is that I really, genuinely thought he wouldn’t do something like this. He watched his father cheat on his mother and father children out of their marriage, all while she struggled with infertility her entire life (my partner isn’t her biological son) and never had her own. She dedicated her life to the two of them and passed away of ovarian cancer shortly before we met.

Sometimes I think about whether she regretted staying with her husband or not. We have a small shrine in her honor and something makes me look at and expect guidance. I love the man she raised and hate the one her husband did. But they’re both him, and he’s a grown ass man more than capable of self control, so I decided to walk away.

Next week my car will be picked up and shipped back home, and I got first class tickets for me and my dog on his dime. He’ll come back home from work and everything I brought will be gone, along with me.

The only thing I think I might regret is not somehow being able to see his reaction when he walks through the door and realizes what’s going, lol.

My wife and I separated 48 days ago after her affair. As anyone in this thread knows, it is pure hell at the beginning. I’m here as an example that it gets easier! I wasn’t sleeping or eating much and I went from 228 lbs to 207 in 2 weeks.

Today, I woke up to my alarm, I weighed in at a healthy 215 (I’m 6’4”) and most importantly I started my day thinking about my gym routine and what I had to do today. It wasn’t until about 2 minutes after being awake that she popped into my head and I had that feeling of being punched in the gut.

Today was 2 minutes, hopefully next week it will be 5-10 and then eventually I will go days without thinking about her... or think about her and not feel that deep pain.

I find these small victories are important to celebrate in the recovery process.

I was scrolling through TT recently and came across a video created by someone who was the OW in an affair. And there were tons of homewreckers and cheaters who crawled out of their hole admitting in comments to affairs they were actively having. A few of them uses their real names, and their Facebook pictures matches their tiktok profile picture. Not a hard thing to track down, I made sure I had the right people.

So I found their husbands and messaged them screenshots of their wives comments. And they were pretty callous comments.

Was it my business? Nope. Did I do it anyways? Yup.

Edit: I went and checked my messages per a commenters request for an update (I sent the messages from a fake account because people get killed over affairs and I wasn’t about to have a crazy lady on my doorstep). One responded “thank you”. I went to find her page, it’s gone. I went to his page, and he is now single.

Part of me almost feels bad but the other part of me does not.

Edit edit: I just received a Reddit notification that one of you has sent Reddit a message stating you’re concerned about my mental health. I can promise you I’m full blown craycray but not THAT kind of craycray. I’m fine. And honestly I find it sad that outing cheaters now makes you crazy enough to get a Reddit welfare call. The society we live in 🙄

Edit x3: my post was submitted for human review so if it’s gone in a couple of hours, please know that this is all very real lol

Edit x4: I am a girl. Like ten of you think I’m a dude idk why lol

So, my (26f) wife call her M cheated on me (27m) with a "friend" of mine (27M) call him J for the story's sake. A bit of back story. We met when I was 22 at another friend's wedding, she was a good friend of the bride and I the groom and they sat us at that table so we would get together. When I first seen her, I was completely taken back by how beautiful she was and when she sat down, and we began to talk we found out we had a lot of things in common we clicked instantly. We talked for a while ate the dinner and took to the dance floor. We danced and drank through the night we ended up kissing in the middle of the dance floor and when we pulled away our friends (the bride and groom) came up to us and asked what was up between us (the were really excited to play matchmaker) we just shrugged it off and carried on with our night. We left not exchanging numbers but about a week later I got a text from her asking me out (bride gave her my number) I of course said yes, and it turned into a relationship. The relationship was great other than small arguments we never really fought, and it was never anything really serious I eventually asked her to marry me about 2 years into us dating and we were married less than year later.

We were married for a little more than a year when it all came crashing down on me. Just before our first anniversary there were little thing that were irritating me, she became more guarded of her phone, "girls' nights" became more frequent, and our zex life was almost nonexistent. I had brought this up on multiple occasions but was brushed off and that I'm "letting my insecurities get to me". She would continue go on as if what I felt and tried to communicate didn't matter to her, so I became colder and colder. I stopped giving her a goodbye kiss as I leave for work and unless it was something important, we hardly spoke. One night while she slept, I took her phone and laptop and skimmed though her texts, emails and messenger apps and found nothing. and from reading stories on here I checked her car. I grabbed her keys and looked in her car and found a second phone I knew in that instant what was going on, but I wanted all the evidence for when I call her out, I didn't want her to say something like it had only happened once or anything stupid like that. I looked though the phone and found only one number I read though every message I connected the phone to my computer and printed out every message and every photo and spent the night researching divorce lawyers. I spent hours of my day in my at home office reading bios of lawyers and found one that I liked and emailed him but as it was a Saturday, he wasn't in the office I then wanted to know who the guy was, so I grabbed my phone typed the number I wanted to call and pretend I'm spectrum because who doesn't have spectrum but J's contact popped up. It took me a minute to put two and two together but when I did, I blew up. I was yelling and cursing in my office and my wife opened the door to check on me but when I see her, I told her to get the f out. She closed the door and when to our room I had never cursed at my wife or raised my voice above a normal volume. All of day I never left my office I was just silently raging just glaring at the wall. I called one of my friends (groom from the wedding) and tell him I need to go for a drink and asks if he'll come with me, he must have heard something in my voice because he asked if I was okay, I told him I wasn't and I really need to drink. So, without word I took all the printouts and left to go to the bar.

I arrived first ordered 4 shots of jack and a beer I was on my last shot when my friend (call him T) arrived and asked what's going on I told him straight out M's cheating, he gave me sympathy and I asked if he wanted to know with who and told him it was J, he became visibly irritated he was the one that introduced me to J and all he could say was I'm sorry over and over. J and I were never super close we wouldn't ask one another to hangout but if we see each other at a get together we were friendly. I told T don't mention this to anyone as I had just found out and I haven't even spoken to M or a lawyer yet. I asked him not to tell his wife and if she asked what was wrong with me to say I'm having problems at work he agreed. We drank and talked for most of the night then I called an uber and went home around 3am it was the first time I looked at my phone since I called T and there was missed calls a bunch of texts all from M asking me where I was when I'd be home and if I was okay. I got home and she was asleep on the couch I just walked up to our bedroom and went to sleep. I woke up with her in the bed, so I got dressed and left the house. I went to go pick up my car and go to my office and buried myself in work for the day and went back home around 10pm. to my surprise my wife was there to greet me, and she told me she had made me dinner she asked if I wanted her to heat it up, I told her no and went to bed. She followed soon after asking what's been wrong with me, I told her to leave me alone and that I wanted to sleep. She kept pestering me eventually I snapped, and yell M stop I am trying to sleep go away.

The next morning, I received an email from the lawyer asking to meet later in the day and I confirmed and got ready for my day. I went downstairs to leave, and M had made breakfast asking to talk I made a small plate and sat down she started by saying I've been acting different and going on and on about how I changed, and she wants to know why I told her work has been stressful and soon it would be all over. I finished up and told her I've got to go I went to my office and counted down the minutes to go meet the lawyer. When I left, I told my assistant I'm going out to lunch with a client (my wife would call my work sometimes) and left. The meeting with the lawyer went well and I handed over all I had gathered on her and the lawyer had told me "Well I'm sorry for all that's going on but I'm happy you gathered all this information you see we live in an at fault state, so your wife has no claim on most of your money" I told him I didn't even think about that I was just thinking I've got to divorce her as soon as possible. He asked to keep the evidence, but I told him I'd prefer you to just make copies as I haven't told my wife I knew yet and I don't want to hear her excuses he agreed and had his assistant make copies I asked when she will be served with papers, he told me about two weeks I then thanked him and left. I went home to confront my wife when I arrived, she wasn't home, so I called her no answer called again no answer I texted her "I don't give a F if your riding J right now get home we need to talk" lo and behold she calls me not a minute later asking what I was talking about all I told her was get home now.

She arrives about 15 minutes later and I said to her wow look at that 15 minutes that's about the same distance between here and J's isn't it she looked at me dumbfounded I gave her a minute to gather herself, but she was just looking at me and I said Well nothing to say. She tried to deny and gaslight me and I let her continue on she worked herself up and started to insult me. I slammed my fist on the table to shut her up and pulled out the evidence at first and showed it from the side and said look at this mountain of things I gathered on you then I showed her each printout at a time she then tells me to stop and started to cry she tried to apologize and tells me she loved me I said hunny what happened to that energy you had before. You were so adamant on degrading and insulting me just a minute ago. She tried to hung me and tell me how sorry she is I put my hand out and told her don't touch me she says well go to the bedroom and do whatever i like I looked her deep in her eyes and told her sweetheart I will never touch you again do you want to know who else has these photos and messages my lawyer I'm divorcing you now get a bag gather your clothes and get the f out of my house.

That was 3 days ago, and I haven't heard from her. I'm sorry about how long this is and if there are any spelling errors. I'm curious to those have been where I'm at what can I expect from here. Thank you for reading.

Me- “Do you think we have a good marriage.”

Him- “yes of course, why are you asking this?”

Me- “you’re happy in our marriage? You think we have a good marriage?”

Him- “yes, everything is great. You’re scaring me, why are you asking this? Are YOU not happy?”

Me- “right now, no I’m not happy, I’m pretty fk’ing miserable right now.”

Him- “ok…..”

Me- “I thought we were happy too, which is why I’m trying to figure out why you’re cheating on me.”

Him- “WHAT?!? Why would you say that?”

Me- “because you’re cheating.”

Him- “how can you say that. Now I’m pissed. I would never do that to you. How could you say that? You know I would never do that.”

Me- “I KNOW you’re cheating.”

Silence. Head in hands. Looking at floor. Then jumps off the couch and storms into our bedroom saying “I need a minute.”

After he returns about 10 minutes later. Eyes red like he’d been crying. First thing he says is “what do you know?” I say “I know you’ve been cheating, I want you to be honest with me.” He says “I’m sorry, I’m so fk’ing sorry.” Conversation devolves into me asking for details. He goes on to say it was just a fling, it’s over, she meant nothing to him, it didn’t last long, he doesn’t know why he did it, he’s sorry, he’s so sorry, there were no feelings involved.

Both of us were crying, I was crying ALOT.

At one point I say “I must’ve done something really terrible to you for you to do this.” He says “you’ve done nothing, it wasn’t about you.” Me-“what was it about, I don’t understand, we have this beautiful life, there has to be a reason and I don’t want to hear that you don’t know why you did this.”

And this is what he said which I can’t wrap my head around. “Everything with us was great, it’s always been great. But I started getting attention from her and it just happened. I started thinking about the monotony of our life, there are no highs and lows. It just felt exciting I guess. And once it started I wasn’t able to stop, it was like the adrenaline took over.”

My response was “let me get this straight. You started fk’ing someone else, sneaking around, lying, blew up our entire life because we were too happy?” He admitted it sounded stupid saying it out loud but it’s just how he felt.

I asked who she is. He wouldn’t answer, he said she has a husband and kids and he didn’t want to wreck that. “What about our marriage, me, our kids? It says so much that you are choosing to protect her and her family over us.” He said it’s not like that.

At this point I told him he had to leave, which he resisted at first but I was literally breaking down and so upset and I told him I couldn’t be around him, so he packed up, coming to me every few minutes to check on me and say “I’m so sorry.” My brothers showed up as he was packing. I told him I already have a divorce attorney working on things, that he needed to get an attorney. This SHOCKED him. “You can’t just decide on your own we are done, we have to talk about this, we can work through this, there’s the kids to think about.” My only response was “seems to me you and (AP’s name) already decided this for us, don’t worry, she’s having just as shitty of a night as you are.” This made my brothers laugh. And my STBX looked surprised at the mention of AP’s name. My oldest brother walked out with him and I saw them arguing out in the driveway, then he left.

I spoke to OBS briefly last night and again this morning, this has gotten long so I will do a short update in another update post maybe tomorrow…..but as a mini update…..AP is at a hotel rn.

Hello everyone, I posted friday and I am glad I did as the kind people of this subreddit were brutally honest and helped confirm for me many of the things I had been thinking and the direction I should go. This may get long so please excuse my ramblings.

For those interested in the original story here is the link: She cheated, im figuring it out and it hurts. : Infidelity (reddit.com)
TL:DR Found wife in bed with another man and went NC for 5 weeks, then MC for 3 weeks, posted to see what to do next.

After reading everyone's replies and the messages I took the weekend to let it all sink in and hardened my resolve. I came to the conclusion that I was never going be able to live with myself if I stayed with her. Staying and working on it would mean having to sacrifice a significant portion of my self-respect. I also realized that I want no part of a relationship that would require me to be in a state of constant vigilance for signs of betrayal. So I decided to push the proverbial red button and nuke it all.

Here is how it all went down.

Monday I woke up early to an unexpected surprise. When I opened my eyes, my johnson was greeting me at full attention. Guys, I can't stress how surprising that was to me, considering that since finding out about Ellie's affair I had not had morning wood. It was like my body was saying "hell yeah, we are gonna get this done today and be done, ready for something new." I actually laughed so hard at seeing it that Omar and his wife came to check in on me thinking I was having some sort of mental breakdown.

I got up, got ready and called Ellie's dad and told him we needed to talk. I met up with him about an hour before our MC. The whole drive there I was surprised at how calm I was about it. I could still feel and ocean of emotions somewhere deep down, but on the surface I was not feeling anything. We met up at a little mom and pop breakfast place near his house and we sat down. Ellie's dad is a good man, lighthearted and funny but more importantly he is levelheaded. I thanked him for how he and his wife had treated me all these years and told him I was sorry to have to have this talk with him. He listened patiently, but as I started telling him why I was going to be divorcing his daughter he lowered his head, I could tell he was ashamed and angry, not at me, but at Ellie. He told me he understood, and I asked him to not tell Ellie as I was going to be telling her within the hour. He agreed, we shook hands, and then he told me to take care. I hated having to shatter his image of her. I debated with myself if I should have asked him to care for her, but I shouted down that instinct because, he is her dad, ofcourse he will care for her, but also it is no longer my business to care for her, she is a big girl.

Next I went to our schedules MC session. I had been rehearsing all day sunday what I would say to her and how I would say it. I wanted to essentially emotion-proof my actions and words for the next few hours. I sat there in the parking lot for 10 minutes and just prayed... I hadn't felt like I wanted to or could since all this started. When we sat down for MC Ellie was wearing one of the dresses I loved to her in and for a split second I forgot everything but then the visceral disgust and anger I felt pushed the attraction completely out. I let the counselor get things going like our previous sessions and after about 10 minutes of her and Ellie talking I interrupted. This is how it went:

Me: "Excuse me, I have a few things I need to say and to Ellie and that I wanted to be able to say here, with a neutral third party. If at any point I am interrupted I will simply leave and that's that. Ellie, I have come to realize I do not need to know if this was the only time you cheated. It doesnt matter. I do not need to know how long it went on for. It doesnt matter. I do not need to know how many times you cheated. It doesnt matter. I do not need to know why. Even if there was a good reason, a perfect why it also would not matter. The only thing that matters is that you did. I know now the only facts that matter. You were never going to have children with me. (At this Ellie opens her mouth to interject and I started walking to the door so she immediately backed off) You were going to string me along for however long it would take. You were going to cheat on me sooner or later. (This is when the waterworks started to open up for her) You do not respect me or love me. (The counselor begins to look like she is about to interject and I respond by taking another step towards the door which ends that) My lawyer is filing for divorce as we sit here and as of about an hour ago your father knows the entire truth of what has been going on. Do not contact me. From here on out the only person we will communicate through are lawyers. These are the last words we will ever exchange. Good bye." I walked the last few steps to the door and walked out.

As soon as I closed the door I heard a wail the likes of which would haunt people's dreams. She scrambled out of the office pursuing me and tried to stop me telling me how sorry she is and how we can start a family and to give her a second chance as she cried hysterically throughout. I pushed past her and got in my car and left. At this point that ocean of emotions that had been quietly hiding underneath it all started roiling and I was barely holding it in. I drove to my parents' house and sent the text message I had planned to Ellie's best friends' husbands.

When I got home my old man was at the store but mom could tell I wasnt well, she has always been able to read me like a book. I told her I needed to tell her and dad something important and we sat down and waited. At this point I have to thank Responsible_Mode_114 for messaging me. We chatted and he totally calmed me down. About 30 minutes later dad arrived. I poured it all out. The more I talked the more I felt that ocean of emotions emptying and all that pain pouring out of me. When I finished talking to my dad he just held me as I cried into his shirt for a solid 20 minutes. When it all ended I felt spent and oddly at peace.

I have arranged for Omar to receive a Harley he has been eyeing for a while. He has been more than a friend to me and I am going to try my best to be as good a friend to him as he has been to me. I can't wait to see his face.

I think this is the last time I will post as it should be the end of this story. I just want to thank you all, would have never thought that I would find sound and sane advice from strangers on the internet. I know that it will be a long road ahead, that I will still need IC to deal with the aftershocks of this debacle and rebuild my ability to trust. I have to hope that little by little all this pain and sadness and anger will go away, like roto-rooter for my soul if I do the work. Now begins the rest of my life and I can honestly say I am looking forward to it.

A few things have happened in the last week so I thought I would make an update post if anyone is interested.

First of all, I'm not in robot mode anymore. I have been having bursts of intense feelings of anger and betrayal but have been keeping busy with work and exercise. My friends have also been great since they found out and have been dragging me out of the house to hang out.

I decided to read the email and wish I hadn't. The story Kate told in the email was mostly the same but there was no mention of going into Max's apartment to order an Uber. There were also pretty explicit details of what they did, for how long and that they had apparently used a condom. I will never be able to forget this description.

Many people who were originally criticising me for kicking Kate out of the house have now apologized but they can keep it. Kate's parents reached out to apologize and I spoke to them because we had a good relationship before all of this. They begged me to try to work it out but said they understood if I decided to get divorced. I didn't commit to either option.

Kate's other friend, that was there that night, contacted me to tell me her side of the story. It mostly matched up, bar-food-home. She said Kate could stay over at her house but she refused saying she was driving home early the next morning. Max apparently insisted that he would take Kate home. The version of the story that she told didn't mention Kate trying to get an Uber, only that Max invited her in and she accepted. I asked her if she had ever suspected anything before and she told me that about a year ago, she went to meet Kate for coffee but found Max sitting with her when she arrived. Apparently Kate looked guilty but when asked about it she said they just met by chance.

Sarah (Max's sister), also reached out to me and I spoke to her too. She was angry with both Max and Kate and told me a similar story. Apparently her whole family are angry with Max and she had not spoken to Kate since she found out. She apologized on behalf of her "idiot" brother and said she had warned him to stay away from Kate since high school. She didn't think anything else had happened between them.

I have had zero contact from Kate but heard that she was going to be moving into an Airbnb near our house. Apparently she is not coping well and called in sick from work a few times over the last few weeks. She does have support from the friend she is currently living with and I asked her parents to keep an eye on her. Her parents came up to see her this past weekend.

I went out with some friends at the weekend and ended up drunk at a bar. I was talking to a girl there who I probably could have gone home with but I stopped myself because I wanted to keep my self respect.

Reading the email and hearing what they had done made me give up hope of repairing this. Especially when I know she is not being truthful with me on other things so who knows.

I will be moving ahead with the divorce and might not even wait a month before telling Kate that this is my final decision.

Apparently according to the other Reddit my post is inappropriate. So I posted it here.

Well it's done.

Yesterday after she left with her BFF and two other lady friends on her shopping trip I set everything in motion. It mostly went as planned. The moving guys were about 2 hours late but that worked out ok. Most of my stuff I had packed slowly over the past weeks and the bulk of the things to move wee large items. Mainly my office. Desk, chair, bookcases, etc. Took about two hours to pack up and move the office stuff and store my workshop items.

Earlier that morning in a fit of pettiness I took a hacksaw to my wedding band and cut it in two. I placed it on top of the divorce papers and a copy of the evidence I had of her affair (minus anything about her BFF or anything from their texts). Closed the door and left.

Met with two of my three children in person. The youngest could not make it but joined us via FaceTime. That was difficult. Telling your children something if this nature is hard no matter their age. There was a lot of crying. A lot anger too. They asked the typical questiona. Are you sure? Can you work through this? Again it was tough.

I told them who it was and that given his history they should probably be more aware of their surroundings though I don't think it will come to anything violent. Against them at least. I would not tell them where I'm staying yet. I explained I need some peace and quiet and that I did not want to put them in the position to lie to their mother. I explained if they needed to get up with me to contact their aunt. After some long hugs I headed to my new house.

I did call my wife's brother. He and I have more of a brother type relationship than BIL so I felt I needed to update him. He wished me luck and we made planes to get together later after things had settled down. I then phoned my sister and updated her and then shut my phone down.

I slept really hard last night. I believe the mental and physical exhaustion has finally caught up with me. Emotionally I'm pretty even. No fits of anger or sorrow. I think relief is a good description of what I'm feeling right now.

I can't update you on my stbxw. I turned my phone on long enough to check on my kids and post this. Their are a lot of missed calls and texts. I have not read any of them though I can see the beginning of a few of them in preview on my notifications. Lots of "I'm sorry" "Please call" and " Where are you?" Texts. I plan on ignoring them.

I'm not finished. I have others to notify. So I'll update then.

That's all. Thanks again everyone.

I don’t know where to begin, but I guess there’s no easy way to say this. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

I'm 30 years old. I work from home as a software developer.

My wife, Emily, is 28. She’s very beautiful. She's a hair and makeup artist, she’s incredibly talented at what she does. She mostly works with brides and bridal parties, but over the last couple of years, her career has really taken off.

A lot of that success is thanks to John, who owns a really popular local wedding venue. John has been a huge connection for her. Through him, she’s gotten work with photographers, local advertising agencies, and even a few small modeling gigs. She's even modeled in some local ads herself. John’s in his 40s, married with three kids, and his wife is very pretty for a mom of 3. I guess I get it, though, my wife is younger and way better looking.

Our marriage has been great as far as I know. Emily and I have been together since high school. We’re still best friends. We have regular date nights, an active and exciting sex life, and she’s always been thoughtful and caring. I never doubted her love for me.

That’s why this blindsided me.

A week ago, I was working from home and I heard an email notification from my wife's laptop which was plugged in for charging. She had logged into it before going to the gym and she doesn't like her computer locking automatically when she leaves it alone. She forgot to lock it before leaving it.

I saw the email preview notification from John and it looked "fishy" so I opened it.

It wasn’t romantic. It wasn’t even sexual. It was logistical—a time, a place, and some comment about keeping things discreet. But it was the last line that floored me:

“You’re incredible. I can’t stop thinking about last night.”

I thought about last night. She came home late, said she’d had a long shoot with a photographer, and we had dinner together like everything was fine. Normal.

I scrolled back through her messages and emails. Most of it was mundane—work-related, professional—but sprinkled throughout were little hints, things that didn’t sit right. John saying she looked “beyond stunning” at an event. Emily thanking him, but keeping it neutral. Nothing about love. Nothing about feelings. But it was clear something was happening.

Then I read an email about booking a hotel for them both in town. It said it was the usual place.

I felt like I’d been punched in the chest.

I started panicking about it and went online, looking for information about cheating. I read about the red flags and thought about the ones she showed. Emily’s work schedule had gotten a bit more unpredictable over the last few months. She’d started dressing up more, new outfits, sexy underwear, even on days when she said she was just running errands. She was grooming more "down there". But I thought she was doing it for me.

There were nights when she came home later than usual, blaming long shoots or last-minute bridal emergencies. But she never seemed distant. She never pulled away from me. If anything, she was more attentive—initiating sex more often, planning surprise date nights, and constantly telling me how much she loved me.

That’s the part that stings the most. I didn’t feel like I was losing her. I felt like we were closer than ever.

I started paying closer attention. Later I was snooping around the house on the pretext of cleaning and I found a small jewelry box tucked into one of her makeup drawers. Inside was a necklace—simple but expensive-looking. I hadn’t bought it for her.

When I asked about it casually later, she said it was a gift from a client. I didn’t question it at the time. It seemed plausible. She works with high-end brides all the time, and clients giving her gifts isn’t unheard of.

But now, I couldn’t get the image of that necklace out of my mind.

I also started noticing other things—the new clothes and underwear, the grooming, little shifts in her behavior that seemed harmless on the surface but now felt suspicious.

I've been copying the messages to my computer and torturing myself by going over and over them. It goes back about a year which is when her hair and makeup business started booming.

Here’s the thing: I don’t think Emily loves John. I’ve read through the messages, and while he’s clearly infatuated with her, she keeps him at arm’s length emotionally. There’s no “I miss you” or “I love you.” Just logistics, compliments, and occasional thanks. One time she even wrote "haha go tell that to your wife".

But it doesn’t matter. She’s sleeping with him. She’s lying to me. And I don’t know how to process that.

I haven’t confronted her yet. I don’t even know how to start that conversation. I keep telling myself I need more proof, but maybe I’m just delaying the inevitable.

All I know is that the woman I thought I knew—the woman I married—seems to be fucking another guy. If I confront her, she's going to deny it either way, right? I know I should probably just sit down and talk with her but then that would clue her in, right?

I googled it and we live in an at fault state. We don't have kids. So if I divorce and I have proof of her cheating, she won't get any spousal support. Also, couldn't she just make up terrible shit that I did to her in order to control the narrative with our families? I mean, I don't think she'd do that but I didn't think she'd cheat on me either. It's late and I'm drunk.

I'll check out what reddit has to say about it but I just want to go pass out and hear any recommendations from people who have been through this. I mean, it doesn't seem like she loves him but does that even matter at this point if she's cheating on me?

I (32M) have been married to my wife Kate (30F) for 4 years, together for 9. Our relationship has been amazing, loving and supportive. We have good communication, hardly ever argue and our bedroom life has gone from strength to strength over the years. We discussed cheating in the past and I was always clear that we would be over if it ever happened.

Kate went home to visit her family last weekend which was fairly normal. Before she left on the Friday night, we had a minor argument about keeping the house tidy so our communication was limited on Saturday but I knew she was going out to meet some friends at a bar. I trusted her 100% so didn't think anything of it.

Before I fell asleep, I text her saying that I hope she had a nice night. When I woke up on Sunday morning I had a missed call from Kate at 4 am so I immediately called her to check if she was okay but no answer. After a few hours I tried again a few times but still no answer. Around an hour later I got a message saying she was fine and was driving back soon.

Kate got home late afternoon and looked awful. She had clearly been crying, was not wearing any makeup (unusual for her) and looked like a shell of a person.

I knew right away something was wrong but she wouldn't let me hug her and would barely speak. I sat her down on the couch and made her some tea. I gently encouraged her to tell me what was wrong and she burst into uncontrollable tears for at least 10 minutes while I was trying to comfort her.

She then proceeded to tell me, stopping every few words, that she had slept with someone last night after the bar.

At that moment, something in my brain broke. I can't describe it any other way. I immediately got up and jumped in my car and drove off. I went to a park and walked around it for about an hour. Kate was calling my phone constantly and I turned it off.

When I got home, I grabbed two suitcases from the garage and went to our bedroom. I threw some of Kate's clothes and shoes into them and left them by the front door.

Kate was lying on the floor in the living room, curled up into a ball sobbing. I called her best friend who lives nearby and told her that Kate needed a place to stay and a ride to her place and that Kate could explain everything to her later.

I told Kate I was leaving for an hour and that her friend was coming to pick her up. She grabbed on to my legs trying to stop me from leaving. When I returned home again, Kate was gone and so were the cases.

On Monday, with a clearer head, I answered one of Kate's many calls and told her that I needed her to send me an email with as much details as possible of that night and if she leaves anything out, there will be no hope of reconciliation. I received this email on Monday night but still haven't opened it.

Since then, everyone has been trying to contact me but I have just been working, exercising and sleeping. One of her friends turned up at my house with an attitude demanding an explanation, I told her to speak to Kate and closed the door in her face.

I have also been speaking to divorce lawyers, have moved money into separate accounts and blocked Kate and all of her friends on everything.

Everything I have done since I found out seems like I have been on autopilot. I don't feel angry, upset or overly emotional. Just numb.

Kate posted a note through the door yesterday asking me to meet tomorrow but I'm conflicted.

Should I meet her? Will it change anything? Is there any point in trying to reconcile?

Is it normal to feel like a robot and how do I snap out of this?

Edit: just to add that when I came home the first time, Kate confirmed it was consensual. She was drunk but knew what she was doing.

I’m so sick of feeling shitty because of something someone else did. The insecurities I have now that were never there before, the constant nightmares and mental images of it happening, my inability to trust a human being ever at all in any capacity, the embarrassment and shame, the desecration and disrespect of my body and my sexual health, the big fat fuck you to every single experience and love we shared together as partners. It’s been years and everyday I wake up to this onslaught of mental hell. Bonus points if you’re already a mentally ill person who then gets cheated on. I’m just tired of fighting all this on top of the other shit in my life. Fuck you cheaters and homewreckers of the world. You don’t deserve authentic loving connection I don’t care about forgiveness anymore. I hope you all fuck off and leave people who aren’t lying abusers devoid of empathy and respect alone. We’re much better off without you.

I dated my wife for 4 years, then proposed, got married and lived a wonderful life together. We own a beautiful home, have a 1 year old daughter together and both have successful careers. We were living the American Dream. She became really good friends with another girl from our gym and they started hanging out and texting a lot. I thought it was a little strange, but I’ve been with my wife for 7 years and we have a great physical connection and a good sex life.... so I didn’t think she was a lesbian. I brought my concerns to her several times about the intensity of her “friendship” and I got assurances every time that it was just that. They were just friends. Then, we had our baby and I let my guard down. I didn’t think she would ever cheat on me once we had a baby. Well, I came home from the gym one day and my baby was taking a nap in her nursery. I opened the door next door and my wife was naked. I pushed the door a little more and her friend was also naked hiding behind the door. They had apparently been having a secret lesbian affair behind my back for several months. We are getting divorced now and they are still together. It was souls crushing at first, but I’m realizing that for someone to live a lie for so long and hide a secret relationship... they are ultimately NOT A GOOD PERSON. Therefore, me getting away from this person will make my life better. I thought I was in a happy marriage, but I think I was more in love with living the American Dream. I’ll find someone who actually respects me and is a good person. I know that is a lot, but I wanted to share.

Thought I would provide a final update on the situation for anyone that is interested.

The last few months have been tough and I have only seen Kate in person a handful of times.

After a few weeks of no-contact I decided that we should discuss things with a clearer head. We went for lunch and had a calm, respectful conversation about everything that had happened and what reconciliation might look like. Kate said she would do anything to get things back on track and I believe her but didn't commit to anything.

After that, Kate asked me to go with her to see her therapist who is also experienced in dealing with married couples. I thought about it for a few days before agreeing. The session was tough with a lot of tears but I didn't get a straight answer on why Kate had decided to cheat. The therapist was surprisingly fair to both of us and was not judgemental. We again discussed reconciliation but I told her that I thought it was best to proceed with the divorce.

Last week, I drove up to her parents house to drop off some tools I had borrowed from her dad. We had arranged for Kate to be there and for her parents to go out for a few hours to give us a chance to talk. I spoke with her parents alone who were heartbroken which was hard but they were both very supportive.

During the conversation with Kate, I told her clearly that I had given it a lot of thought but I wanted to move ahead with the divorce. It came down to the fact that, in my view, we would never get back to where we were and I realistically can't see myself ever getting over the betrayal. Even if we could regain the trust, it could take a decade of hard work and that is too big of a risk for me.

Kate finally accepted this and we had calm discussion about how we would divide assets, sell the house etc and wrote an email to our respective lawyers. We left each other on good terms.

The divorce should be finalised by the end of the year and the house will be put up for sale soon.

In the meantime we will go no contact and agreed not to start dating until everything is finalized. I have had a few casual hookups and it feels strange to be going back to being single after all this time. I have been hitting the gym, spending a lot of time with friends and family and getting back into my hobbies.

I'm optimistic about the future and although I'm still devastated by the loss of my marriage, I feel that this has made me grow as a person. Thanks to those of you who have offered advice and support.

Original Post

TL: DR After having a vasectomy after our first child, my wife got pregnant 4 years later. I go to get tested to make sure I'm still sterile (I am) and not the father and then decide to test our daughter (not mine). I had to wait till after Christmas to have her served.

So I met my sister at my house and we started moving my stuff to her house while the divorce goes through or at least until my STBXW leaves and I get possession of the house. We took four carloads to her house and came back for the rest. My sister felt it important for her to be there for support and as a witness. I also moved the nanny cam into the living room so it could record everything in the cloud.

At about 10:45 AM I got a text from the lawyer saying she had been served. I sent her an email saying that I am at the house when she is ready to talk. A couple of minutes later I got a text from my wife saying "Why? Blah blah blah. So I resent the first text and waited for her to get home. She sent several texts and voicemails, They don't mention anything about cheating just how she thought we were working this out and she thought we would sit down and have a conversation before proceeding with a divorce. Playing the family card and how this will devastate the child and our families. How SHE feels betrayed(that was a good one).

She was still sharing her location, and it took her 20 minutes before she left work, she then stopped at a nearby Walgreens for a few minutes. The purpose of the stop at Walgreens became clear as a police car pulled in behind her in the driveway. According to the officers she got the police there because she said she was afraid and that we had guns in the house. I showed the officers my empty gun safe and said that I had removed them to another secure location. We went back to the living room and I showed my wife the Paternity test that I had done that showed her daughter was not mine. Her response was denial and disbelief, which appeared genuine. She broke down and cried for about ten minutes. I told her this was the final straw and why I wanted the divorce. At about that time, the police officers reminded me to keep it civil and made their exit after I told them I was leaving soon to stay at my sister's house.

When I asked who the child's father was she claimed she didn't know, I asked if there were that many guys she was sleeping with or did she just not know his name. I asked how many times had she cheated on me between pregnancies. To which she said it was just the two of them.

I told her that I had said earlier if she didn't tell the whole truth that I was done.

I reminded her I also told her that I couldn't/wouldn't raise someone else's child. And that she had better figure out who the real father was because I wasn't paying child support for someone else's baby.

She wanted to know what we were going to tell our daughter and I said that was up to her because this was her mess and I wasn't taking the blame or cleaning it up for her.

I drafted a couple of e-mails last week one for our friends and family with copies of all the test results and reasons why I was asking for a divorce, the other for my wife with copies of the same tests along with what I knew and things that I had told her previously. I had to run it through my lawyer and make a couple of edits before she signed off on it. I sent copies to all our friends and relatives when she pulled into the driveway this afternoon. Most of the feedback has been one-sided and very colorful.

In the end, I told her if she had been truthful we might have been able to work things out.But I couldn't trust a lying serial cheater, and I told her if she had gotten her tubes tied instead of me getting a vasectomy she might have got away with it.I told her she needed to get a lawyer so we could move forward and start to heal.

Update
We had our second meeting with the lawyers today and we signed off on almost everything except the house, still waiting for an appraisal to come back and figure out the split. Motions got filed today and a court-ordered paternity test was scheduled for all three of us. Since STBXW didn't fight me on everything we filed a no-fault divorce petition if everything goes right I get the house back on Feb 15 and the divorce will be final on April 5th.

The lawyers did a better job keeping us separated and the conversation between the two of us to a minimum. I was a little worried when she came in, pale and with no energy to speak of, I couldn't tell if it was lack of sleep or maybe overmedicated. She just stared out the windows as the lawyers read everything to us before we signed some of the papers.

Walking out felt like I had shed a giant weight from around my neck. HR got me signed up for therapy tomorrow. My boss had put a bottle of champagne on my desk, offered me some time off if I needed it but I told him I was excited to get back to work.