We met online, where he accused me of cheating, and argued with me over not wanting to be sexual. During a time we were broken up, he met and was with his ex. He told me he didn’t intend to get into a relationship, that she threw herself at him, and he didn’t want to reject her. He said he wasn’t fully attracted to her due to her weight, but slept with her to avoid hurting her feelings, and that he struggled during it. He told me he broke up with her because he wasn’t over me. He claimed she slandered him and called her crazy. Shortly after that, he met his former friend online, and in person. He told me she made advances on him which he turned down, because he still had feelings for me.
He continued to argue with me over not being sexual and made me feel pressured to be. After that, many of our conversations were sexual. He told me he was too depressed to talk but messaged to talk sexually. He had a fantasy of me being with other men, and wanted me to talk about my few experiences with other guys. I was overweight, and had other issues, which he said he didn’t mind. I lost weight before we met, and was close to a healthy weight once we did. He rejected me, shamed me for trying anything, and told me he said online he wouldn’t be the same way in person. He avoided holding hands in public, and other things he said he wanted to do online, and told me he disliked PDA.
I believed he was embarrassed of me and he assured me that wasn’t true. I lost more weight and he came onto me, but it felt forced, with him focusing on fantasy of me being with other men or being a s*ut. I spoke to his ex and she told me he said he’d two time. He said she was lying to make him look bad. For a year he turned me down frequently, and did and said things, that made me feel unwanted, whilst insisting he was attracted to me. He broke down and told me he had OCD about not finding me attractive. He started meds he said killed his libido after that. He asked me, when I walked ahead of him and next to some guy, if I was trying to appear single.
I lost more weight and he showed more interest, telling me if I looked the way I did then when we met he would’ve been all over me. He also did PDA. He claimed his libido was low a lot of the time but I caught him looking at porn, which he denied, and then said was to test himself. He tried to get me to sext a random guy and said he wasn’t serious after I refused. I started to suspect he was cheating. He turned me down still, including in lingerie, and went soft on me. Yet, he posted photos of me, posing as me, asking what other guys would do to me.
He briefly spoke sexually to one of them and said it was because the guy was married, and he wanted to out him. I began to question if he was cheating. He called me paranoid and crazy, told me I was the type to cheat, and that I’d do so thinking he had. He snooped on my phone but slapped my hand away from his. He questioned me if I did any of what he was doing, like staying in the bathroom a long time, asking me if I was talking to someone. He acted like he had less of a reason to trust me, because I downloaded dating apps during arguments. Arguments in which he was putting me down, threatening me, and telling me he didn’t love me.
I did it to bother him. But instead of bothering him, he was turned on by it, asking me how many likes I received. For years he questioned me, snooped on my phone, but called me confirming and abusive when I questioned him. Though he acknowledged a lot of what he did was suspicious. He told me he felt asexual sometimes, and had no libido, and then I’d catch him ogling other women, which he denied. I found him in subs for sharing nudes of your partner. He’d go off to other rooms during arguments, most of which he caused, and would tell me he already took care of himself. He claimed he did it to pictures of me.
During a time he w*ore shamed me over how I dressed, he showed more interest. And though he later said he didn’t rust me, he told me guys were hitting on me and checking me out. He would go months not snooping, not questioning, and told me he trusted me and didn’t think I’d cheat. I regained weight and he showed less interest, blaming meds, telling me it had nothing to do with my weight and never did. He started to insult me in arguments over it, telling me I let myself go, calling me fat and ugly, and saying guys prefer thinner women.
He said he didn’t mean it and only said it to hurt me. But as time went on, he showed less interest, even after he switched meds more than once to ones that weren’t meant to impact libido as much. He told me that they still did. As time went on, he wanted more and more space, going off to other rooms, and staying up after I went to bed. I wondered if he was cheating or watching porn. He denied both. He seemed to only come onto me when I was dressed in revealing clothes. Which he also did when I was smaller, telling me it took extra on the meds sometimes. He started a class a few years ago, which he is still in. He became more concerned about his appearance after that.
He started to work out. He started to act on edge in public, wanting to avoid places, blaming it on anxiety. He seemed fine going in alone. I noticed him cover his face, walk off from me, and go silent around women, both locally and in the city hours away. We went to America, where he acted shady, and stopped wearing his ring. He said it was too tight. He promised we’d go more places once back. That didn’t happen. He continued to not wear his ring, becoming defensive when I mentioned it. He bought new clothes after telling me someone commented on the jacket he wore a lot. I learned it was a woman, after he complained about her to me.
He also bought under-eye cream for bags he never cared much about, and said he was influenced by a video on aging. He told me he didn’t talk to the women in his class much, but multiple things contradicted this, and I questioned them. He called me controlling and went off at me. He accused me of being upset that he was talking to women. He denied doing something with one of them, who I hadn’t named or accused him of doing anything with, and told me he’d message her and make me look crazy. I reached for his phone and he twisted my finger. He apologised and said he felt accused.
He kept coming out of class late, when only one other female student was there (the one he had the issues with) or no one was there. He was adjusting his crotch one time and denied it. He seemed uncomfortable with me using his phone, looking back at the screen repeatedly. He denied anything was on it and said I could keep it for a week if I wanted. Heart eye and flirtatious emojis appeared in his recently used and he said he clicked them accidentally, before I noticed them. He didn’t want me leaving scratches on his back when giving him a back massage. He switched medications, to one that is supposed to impact libido less.
He said he was experiencing withdrawals from his other meds, initially. And was very specific about when his libido would be back, telling me four days one time, and that it was an estimate. Since then he’s shown less interest, and has given various reasons why. He hasn’t seemed to care about it. Rather he defends it, and says it’s an average amount of time, and that I am making a big deal out of nothing, when we used to do it a lot more. He is inconsistent in that he touches me and then he doesn’t. For years he didn’t do foreplay and blamed nerves.
He didn’t do oral or use a toy until this past year, after telling me he disliked oral, and refusing to use the toy on me when I asked. He had a random spike in libido last Christmas and used it. At the time he was asking me where I got it and asking about my perfume. In combination with staying up after I went to bed, and acting more on edge in public after seeming okay for a while. He doesn’t seem to want to find a solution. Which makes me think it’s either that he isn’t interested, is cheating, or is watching porn. I noticed that when he’s in class, his libido drops off. When he’s on a break, it comes back.
Lately he’s been telling me he needs to download Reddit, because it won’t let him read posts he is clicking on. I don’t know why he is announcing that to me. It’s like he wants to accept that’s the reason, to avoid me thinking it’s something else, like him wanting to go on the subs he was once on. He often asks how he would hide something on his phone, when I have access to it, and told me recently it would be impossible.