Ending life tonight. Gave away all my money and already on the way out.

Keeping things brief I've basically burned the boats on my life to insure in good mentally. I've checked out, I can't afford rent, basic necessities, even groceries. Life has been pretty shit, and people kept telling me it'd get better. There's resources for this, there's help for that, reach out to this hotline so some person can pretend to care about you for 10 minutes. It's not real, things didn't get better. They actually just got worse.

I think life is pre determined, I probably never had a shot. I tried, really did too. Did the whole self improvement, god, working for others, nothing got better. I've given up, slashed all my ids, quit my job, gave away my last hit of cash to some charity thing outside a grocery store. At the very least I won't die out on the street living like an animal, I can have ONE choice that can be mine.

After a certain point, I am 19 and my whole life has been bull. I lost my parents I don't want to keep going anymore, why is that such a terrible thing to say?

I have been silly slide since I was nine years old, its been ten years of abuse, cancer, near de*th experiences, dysfunctionality across the board. I lost my mom a month before I even turned 18, that is my catalyst from childhood to adulthood and I am expected to just keep going?

the only reasons I haven't taken my life was because I was told and I believed life would be better overtime. As well as being a protector for my mom and my sister. I shouldn't have listened, I wasted my time being here and now I cant go a day without remembering how she looked when she passed away.

Life is very isolating, nobody my age wants to deal with me, don't get me wrong I don't say anything because its not their pain to deal with but it shows in my energy. It shows in my everyday behavior, I'm always tired now and I just feel pain everywhere I go. Nobody wants to deal with someone that is miserable. And I don't want to deal with other people anymore.

The fact that it is so hard to get access to tools to end your life is surprising to me, I feel like that should be a right to have as a adult. I didn't ask to be here, I don't want to be here. That should be enough for me to have access. But no, now its hotlines that hardly work and some stupid quote "time heals all wounds" or some bullsh*t.

I am tired, of all of it. i don't belong here, nor do i want to be. Why cant I just take a pill and be rid of this experience. We are all gonna go anyway, why does it matter how? Like literally I am a r*pe baby I wasn't supposed to be here in the first place but now i just gotta love life? what type of sh*t is that?

Hey,

About two months ago, I heard a loud bang against the wall while I was playing games. I walked out to find my dad on the couch just watching tv casually and my mom in the kitchen clearly pissed off. I asked what happened and this is what I gathered from what my sister said. My parents had dinner and I think my dad was moody, after they ate my mom asked him to cover the food so it could be eaten later. She asked it in a tone that was a bit rude I guess, and that upset my dad, because when my mom turned to the sink to wash the dishes, he threw a wooden spatula at her head.

It barely missed her and it landed on the floor, she got really angry and I think they exchanged a few words, I’m not sure since I had my headphones in. Anyways, the bang on the wall was from my mom throwing the spatula at the wall out of frustration and it had left a hole. My sister came out of her room and got angry at my dad and was yelling at him, shaming him and telling him he had a man’s ego. He looked like he was about to hit her but she called him out on that, telling him to do it to bait him (he has a CPS case on his record, where he was the aggressor towards me).

My sister told my parents to seperate, so my mom went to their room and my dad stayed on the couch. I went to comfort my mom and she was crying to me about what he did, and telling me all the stuff she’s had to put up with from his family as well. They’d both been physically abusive to me and my siblings in the past, my dad moreso, but hearing my mom like that made my heart ache a lot.

My mom has since forgiven my dad and they’re perfectly fine and happy again, but I can’t get that night out of my head and it’s really changed the way I look at my dad. I just don’t respect him anymore.

Yeah that's it. I'm kinda really fucking annoyed right now I had somebody (obviously not irl) but online accuse me of both not being black then weaponizing my fake blackness. Keep in mind this was a conversation on a fan sub so not real world issues or anything. Anyway just pissed me the fuck off. Sorry I guess I don't act like an actual black person. What does it even mean to act black?

Then they tried to say I need therapy because I got offended like fuck them!

I just got home from the hospital, my sister hasn’t been released as she has to be evaluated for another few hours but I just feel so incredibly angry at her.

I got off work today around 2pm, my mum immediately begins telling me that my younger brother had just called her and told her my sister had punched a hole in the wall in a very visible place (we live in a strict rental and we have an inspection due soon which could get us in a lot of trouble)

She was originally suppose to pick my brother up an hour earlier from work but decided not to without telling anyone, my mum even gave her fuel money as she complained about not having fuel, he ended up having to call our dad to come pick him up and take him home, my dad doesn’t live with us and my parents recently separated so this is abit complicated in itself.

They then got into an argument when he got home which she then proceeded to get into an argument with her boyfriend who was at our house because he didn’t defend her against our brother, hit him and then when my brother yelled at her for that, she stormed into her room and punched a hole in the wall.

As is expected, my mum was extremely angry and frustrated as my sister has had a long history of aggression and violence not only in general but to the point where she attacks us over small things like “giving her a dirty look”when in reality we’re simply just looking in her direction or at her for a few seconds. My mum decided to take her car keys as she’s only 17, she doesn’t even have her Ps so she can’t even drive without a parent which she doesn’t anyway and my mum is tired of her aggression and entitlement.

This caused a big argument where my sister was sobbing and yelling at my mum to give her keys back and that it’s her car (it’s not, my mum paid for it and it’s registered under her name, as well as my sister being a minor). She proceeded to back my mum against a wall trying to get her keys and my mum ended up leaving the house to go cool off and think while my sister continued to scream at everyone left in the house but she eventually calmed down and was even playing games with my brother who was the one she was originally fighting with.

I decided, since it had calmed down and I just got home from work and was tired from being awake and working since 4:30 am, that I would take a small nap in my mums bedroom since she had air-conditioning and it’s beginning of summer in Australia.

About an hour later, I woke up to my mum and sister infront of me arguing, my sister was lunging at my mum, trying to find her keys and grabbing at her, my mum then pushed her hands away and told her to stop. My sister then snapped and the best way I can describe her flip in behaviour is just turning completely feral, jumping at my mum and attacking her my swinging punches at my mothers head.

I didn’t even have a second to fully wake up before I jumped up and managed to reach my sister, the closest thing I could grab was a hand full of her hair which I pulled back to get her off my mum, who was covering her face with her arms trying to shield herself. My sister then turned to me and began attacking me, punching my in the head multiple times before my mum got between us, she then went back to attacking my mum in an attempt to get to me.

My mum was sobbing at this point and I was trying to get between them because I wanted to protect my mum, I had no intention of attacking my sister back, I was simply just in defence mode and wanted to protect my mum.

My brother comes in hearing the commotion and tried to pull my sister away from us, thinking my mum hit her. My mum took the chance to walk outside and call my dad while in tears, begging him to come help because she was scared and also extremely upset that my sister had not only attacked her but me too.

( I should mention that her boyfriend had left right before I went to nap however she acts nearly as aggressive towards us and him even when he’s around. )

My sister then locked herself in her room and was crying loudly and I could hear her on the phone to her boyfriend while I sat outside with my mum waiting for my dad. He arrived around 15 minutes later and went to speak to my sister but then calls out not even a few minutes later saying she had taken a bunch of pills. My sister has back issues due to mild scoliosis and hip dis-function and had been prescribed heavy muscle relaxants. She had taken around half a packet of them as well as some other high dose pain killers and was sitting on the ground quietly, refusing to get up as I ran over to help my dad get her to move.

We eventually got her in the car and my dad speed her to hospital and my brother, mother and I left only a few minutes later.

We were all in tears, my mum was screaming and crying after my dad had left and I had collapsed onto the floor crying, when we got to the hospital I ran straight to the emergency room where my sister and dad were. It wasn’t even a 20 minute drive however when I got there, she was completely calm. Complete opposite of how she was just 20 minutes ago and even was cracking jokes while the doctors looked over her.

She was taking videos of herself, sending them to my mum as we waited for her as only one of us could go in with her at first and she chose my dad. She was posting videos of herself with IVs in her arms on her Instagram and had people calling her while she didn’t answer and constantly checking her phone, even scrolling reels.

She ended up being given charcoal and was laughing and joking, didn’t want to drink it because it tasted gross, entirely unaware of just how serious the situation was. She finally, after an hour or so finished drinking it after the doctors as well as my family told her that it was either drink the charcoal or get her stomach pumped. The entire time she just seemed so uncaring of just how serious everything was, how upset we all were and as if everything was suddenly fine again. Her behaviour was so strange and I just can’t help but feel so angry at her.

I’m angry she attacked me, that she attacked my mother, that she doesn’t care how upset we all are and that she treated the entire ordeal as a joke or something to post about for sympathy. My mum thinks she has BPD which I should mention my father has been diagnosed with as well as bipolar.

The doctors didn’t seem to care, my parents wanted to admit her as she’s a danger to herself and others. It’s not the first time she’s nearly killed herself and not cared however this was the first time it was intended. They refused to admit her, just proscribed her counselling and told us to handle her medication.

I’m scared for her, I feel horrible and I’m so worried but the most prominent emotion I feel right now it’s just pure rage at her. There’s clearly a deep mental issue at hand with her and doctors don’t seem to care nor does she.

I'm someone who is very anxiously attached in relationships. Mainly for the fact that I had an unstable childhood but also from being very scarred by previous relationships.

I'm now seeing someone and everything has been going great but I cannot stop myself from feeling nauseous with anxiety because I can feel him pulling away. To be clear I have little to no concrete evidence of this happening I just take any amount of space as abandonment because I have been abandoned many times in the past.

And frankly he has been different the past day; not texting as much and responses taking more time. I do truly want to communicate about how I feel ,but I'm worried it'll freak him out. I'm scared that when he sees who I truly am this anxious insecure and sometimes needy person he'll be repulsed by me.

We're supposed to see each other later today, but I'm so scared he'll cancel last minute. I genuinely don't know what to do with myself anymore.

This is something I never really brought up because without talking about it face to face. I felt people will feel the need to deny it or dismiss it because its between two women and think its something that didn't actually happen and the idea of nobody believing me always hurt...

Especially now because I'm a sexual minority.

I am bringing it up now because she visiting and staying over a few weeks and she was being friendly with me like nothing happened 10 years ago. Rubbing my leg and telling me how I got so pretty and what am I doing for my future and do I have boyfriend. Trying to get to know me...

I remember vividly what she did to me when I was a child. I didn't understand it fully but I knew it was wrong.

Something that pains me to say is my mother knew. She walked in when my aunt was humping me but my mom chose to believe her lie that we were going to bathe together which is why we were naked, ignoring the fact she was humping me.

I never really brought up or held a grudge against my mom.

At times I can understand of not wanting to believe what you saw. I feel if I actually talked about it, mom would take my side but it was just something I never wanted to. Even now. I don't want to bring it up with her because I don't want to destroy their relationship because that's her only sibling and I don't want to be the one to cause family strife...even though at times I really want to talk about it and even ask my aunt why did she do that to me.

I dont want adivce…. Im here to vent x

This year has honestly broken me emotionally. I’ve had beautiful dates, affection, intimacy and connections I genuinely thought were going somewhere. One in particular still hurts because I really thought we had something special even if the timing of life wasnt right, he had so much on i had to accept it 😪

I’m so fucking tired of feeling good enough to date, good enough to sleep with, but never good enough to actually be chosen. The rejection and ghosting have completely drained me.
I’m 30. I want love, marriage, kids and a future with someone. Nothing extravagant, just someone who genuinely wants me and enjoys my company..

The jokes about my dating life at work are starting to really upset me, like a lot.. i laugh along like it’s funny, but I’ve actually been sneaking away on my lunch breaks to cry because I’m so frustrated and honestly ashamed of how my life has turned out. Then I go home and cry some more, or sometimes its when i finally unwind and head into bed.

I’ve tried so hard to put myself out there this year, and somehow I’ve ended up feeling more rejected and alone and isolated than ever😪
I’m happy for everyone finding love. I’m just so tired of feeling left behind.
I just wanted to be loved, not left questioning whether I ever mattered. x

Rant over x

the r amiugly subreddit is for people to post their faces to get opinions if they are ugly or not

my ex friend called me a slut and a whore when i opened up about being raped.

and cant keep her mouth shut so talked shit about me about that behind my back to everyone. probably because she is 21 and never had chances with men

and continued to be friends with the rapist

that ugliness shows on her face and body

so i posted her there so i could feel better when seeing that everyone else agrees that shes ugly

My dad died 30 years ago next year and I'm currently 35. Right after my dad died my mom went insane and lost custody. My memories of my dad were from October 95 when he went into sepsis shock, then a coma that lasted until May 97. Between 95 and 98 my mom slowly went insane, sold our family home gave away everything my dad ever had. She wanted to earse him because the memory of him hurt too much. When she lost custody we were given to my dad's mom, she never spoke about him because she would cry and then when she died in '02, I was given to my dad's brother and he never spoke of him. It was weird only remembering someone in a coma, hooked up to machines.

This past year I have cried more about my father than ever. I feel like I'm finally understabding how large of loss it was and how it affected everyone in the family negatively, the most was my mom. She died a few years ago during covid at the age of 61. She never got custody back and she never was a mother I could rely on but even her death was more like a relief.

But my dad had a really good job, he loved my sister and I and I have pictures to prove it and my sister's memory to live through. She is older....... But now I'm seeing people my age still have their parents around and it hurts. It makes me angry that I don't get to have that. Sometimes I wish I could call my dad for simple things. I wish I could have a drink with him and learn about his life. My uncle and aunt are still alive but were extremely evangelicals who abused my sister and I and they don't talk to us since 2009 when I life when I was 18. They think I'm depraved but they have so many things and pictures of my dad I wish I had but even that is taken away from me.

I feel like everyone took my dad away from me and I can't even have pictures or memories of him. It hurts so much to know I had a loving father, for 4 years of my life it was good. I don't want this life anymore but somehow still wake up everyday and treat people kind and push myself to keep going.

My dad was also in his mid 30s when he got sick and 38 when he died. I feel like mentally my life is ending soon even though it isn't true. It's fucking with me in a way I didn't expect.

Yeah yeah, work life balance, no commute, cheaper, more convenient. I get it. I've worked remotely since COVID and it's just not the same. I wouldn't take it from anyone and heck I would be pissed if I had to go 5 days a week BUT I still miss it. I don't know how old are you guys, but I worked from 2015-2020 in an office setting in the business district of my city which happens to be the most glamorous area of the city which happens to be the place where all pubs, good restaurants, etc. are. Saying on a random Thursday or Friday "Hey, who's down for a couple of beers?" and then ending up with the accountant, a guy from engineering, the girl from HR, people from marketing just drinking, talking about the company, life, it was awesome and so effortless. We were already there and the bars were literally right next to us.

Even with drinking out, we had this ritual to go to a new restaurant every Friday, with a group of us, for lunch (yep there is a ton of restaurants in the business district). Lunch in general, being able to talk with so many people during lunch, even coordinating with friends that worked in other companies (but still worked in the same area because everyone worked there) was sweet. That plus getting to dress in a suit, nice shoes was also cool (I know I could still do it, but I just can't imagine having a blazer just to be at home).

i genuinely dont have the will to do any college shit anymore, i have so much to do and i have the time but i just cant force myself to do it. ive looked up so many advice on how to motivate myself to alteast study for 5 minutes but it genuinely makes me wanna slam my head against a wall. and im majoring in IT and thinking abt the grim job market makes everything worse

I (24f) just feel down and pathetic after an argument with my cousin, a month ago she texted me I have to dry clothes again tonight lol, I said Mom said not tonight she don't feel good, She sick. She replied but thanks anyways, hope she feels better. I said Okay. She proceeds to say I won't come over to dry anymore teel weird now, thanks anyways. I said it's not a big deal just not tonight my mom is sick. She says Ik it's not a big deal & don't make it worse im not coming to dry ever again, I feel bad already for asking. I said what's the issue shar, you don't need to feel bad for asking. She says Have a goodnight bro, I won't ask ever again just know that lol, Just let It go , I should've never asked tbh .. I'll just go to the mat I'm just being lazy & I was irritated ngi … It is late tho i didn't feel like going to the mat or driving up west chester to dry clothes.. but I'm dead ass never asking again its just a pride thing & i refuse to ask anybody in this family for anything anymore atp.. i responded shar it was never a big deal for you to feel this way but ard have a goodnight. She says This the last thing imma say .. It be the vibes with y'all sometimes it be weird.. & I be venting to yall telling y'all my whole life, but it's cool .. I would never had told any of yall no, but I'm not coming over ever again ngl. Imma lock in like i been doing, & even harder now. Take care bri cause im so serious .

Now today is my brother birthday.. and at 3:00 in the morning she was here downstairs. I didn't know she was here, I didn't expect to see her because she did not apologize yet over text and have not come over and seen me to apologize. So when I seen her downstairs talking to my brother and playing the game and smoking with him... I was caught off guard. She said hey and I was like hey quietly like shaking my head and she was like what's wrong and I was like you gonna ask me what's wrong when you didn't even get to apologize? And that's what kickstarted the argument. Now In the argument I feel like I was getting my point across I told her she was being inconsiderate and disrespectful toward my mom feelings and that it was wrong. She said she didn't think she was being disrespectful because she didn't call me out my name and that I would take it this deep. I said you took it there in the texts and that it was a big deal for you to take it deep all because someone said no.
I told her I wasn't the one who said no my mom did because she was sick and if she don't feel like someone in her house she's has a right because it's her house she not obligated to say yes to anyone.
She said she wasn't being disrespectful because she didn't call me out my name and all that. The discussion I thought we were going to have didn't turn out the way I thought. After the argument she said it was disrespectful and she apologized. We talked a little bit and she left

and afterwards she left my mom was furious with me she said that she walked all over me in the argument and I did say what I was going to say for weeks. And that she completely overruled me and humiliated me in my own house. And that she won't ever respect me because I'm too nice.

and afterwards she left my mom was furious with me she said that she walked all over me in the argument and I did say what I was going to say for weeks. And that she completely overruled me and humiliated me in my own house. And that she won't ever respect me because I'm too nice.
And deep down I feel like she's right, I don't like to argue and I'm not good in arguments and I feel like I wasn't as direct as I should have been when setting boundaries and I should've been more direct on how to speak to me. My mom said if you didn't come downstairs she was never going to apologize and never went out her way to see me because if she did she would have came upstairs to see me and that the apology was not sincere. And that she's glad we made up but deep down she's never going to respect me because of the way I let her talk to me, she said she's angry at me that I didn't shut her down in my own house and that she humiliated me in that argument. She said I should have let my boundaries be known and that she's going to keep talking to me any kind of way next time.

I just feel so pathetic and walked over even my niece told my mom why is she talking to auntie like that" and my mom was so mad that she was burning up come say something but she couldn't because it wasn't her fight. I just feel so down... and in the argument my brother said that he could see both sides.. I feel like he wasn't on my side and felt a little betrayed.... I don't know I just feel like crying. I just feel disrespected and feel pathetic to my core right now I just feel like crying. I somehow feel like In an argument I don't get my point across the way I want it to and I just feel like I lost the argument and got disrespected in my own house. I tend to care about people feelings more than mine and I don't say things in the moment because I'll feel bad about hurting their feelings. I just don't want to be humiliated in my own house with my nieces and nephews and mom hearing it.. it's becoming unbearable to even show my face right now because I'm embarrassed. I feel like I got my point across but my mom said she shut me down and embarrassed me and I'm way too nice and that she don't know where I got that from because I definitely didn't get it from her, or dad and not my grandmother. I just feel so sick to my stomach that they witnessed it and I keep replaying it over in my head, I could have stomached it better if I got humiliated where no one else heard it I just feel so embarrassed and pathetic to my core.
Sometimes I think maybe I need to change my personality a bit so people can have respect for me..
I don't know I just feel humiliated and just looked down on. I do feel a weight lifted off my shoulders but at the same time I feel embarrassed to show my face to my family or even tell them about what happened.

I found a duck at work :) I was feeling so miserable the last few days so it was nice to find. I work in a hospital and ts gets so sad but then too busy so I don’t even have the time to acknowledge my sadness. A nice pick me up

7 years ago, I was assaulted. It was a good friend, someone who I had been intimate either with or before this situation , ( a friends with benefits situation). I was high on mushrooms and so was he, for months after I had believed it wasn't real, just a crazy dream. Until it was. He sodomized me that night. I had multiple girls who were victimized by this person reach out at the time and I realized what had happened to me was real. Today, he called me. At the time 7 years ago I never blocked his contact. I couldn't stand the thought of looking at his name and never went through my contact list (of hundreds of people) to specifically block him. I didn't pick up the call, I only noticed about half an hour after I missed the call. My friend called him back from my phone and apparently he just wanted to remind me it was his birthday. We haven't spoken since it happened. I have a boyfriend now, who saw this and immediately questioned why I never blocked him. He related with his own story of assault and said he blocked the woman immediately after it occurred. I feel ashamed and guilty that I let this happen. I can't explain why it never occurred to me to block his contact, I just never expected him to reach out again after seven years. I feel like it's my fault that I allowed him the opportunity to reach out.

This has been building for years. I watched too much Fear Factor as a kid and now every time I see a bug, my brain quietly runs it through my teeth. I used to think everybody did this a little bit. You see a moth, you think “that’d be very dry and chalky,” and you go back to folding laundry. I assumed that was one of those things everyone did but nobody talked about.

It used to stop at “gross, wouldn’t eat that.” Over the years my brain started asking follow-up questions. Which way would the beetle go in? Would the shell crack clean or bend first? If the legs were pointing out, could you get your lips shut or would it feel like trying to close a car door on a seatbelt? I want to be clear that at no point in this process am I considering eating the beetle. I might not even want to touch the beetle. But for some reason I’m willing to sit there and workshop the most efficient way to eat it.

I’ve also started revising old answers. For years I thought a centipede would be like pulling a zip tie through your molars. Lately I think you’d get the zip tie sound for the first few segments, then hit a bit where it just sort of gives and you wish it had kept making the sound. What happened in my life between version one and version two that qualified me to make that change?

The worst ones are the bugs where I can’t tell if my imaginary bite is through yet. A stink bug has corners. I know exactly which corner I think would get wedged between two teeth, and it’s the same spot where I always get popcorn stuck. If one walks across the window while I’m eating, I mash my tongue against that spot to check. Check for WHAT. It’s on the other side of the fucking glass.

And today I saw a video of a camel spider. I looked at this thing and my first thought was “too wide.” That was already worse than anything I’d been doing before. Then I thought about how if you bit into the middle, the juices would squirt out of its ass and hit the inside of your cheek. I can practically feel the chomp ejaculate. You know when you bite a cherry tomato and its juices squirt onto the inside of your cheek?

Then I pictured turning the camel spider around so it wouldn’t happen again.

Again. There was nothing in my mouth. I’d somehow gotten to the second bite. And I was irritated with myself for getting the first one wrong, like I’d had a perfectly good camel spider in front of me and gone at it like an amateur.

What is wrong with me

It has been a long slow fade into to this, but I (40+) am now having to come to terms with the fact that kissing someone romantically kinda grosses me out.

It certainly wasn't like this in my teens and 20's. It maybe started to creep into my head in my 30's. But now in my 40's, the thought of full on kissing someone romantically gives me the shudders. I'm also, to a slightly lesser degree, feeling the same way about giving oral action down there too.

Is this a thing that comes with age? Or can anyone shed any light on this as I used to absolutely love kissing and the other thing mentioned (keeping it PG), so I am at a bit of a loss.

I am 18F I turned 18 a month ago, prior to it my family has always been messy in a way, we don’t console with each other we don’t speak words of kindness to each other the family basically survives on bitterness. When I was a kid I used to get picked on in both my primary schools and my secondary school. In primary they would laugh at my hair (it was my friends laughing) and nobody would want to sit next to me because I smelled, we had a guest speaker once and I was a shy kid so I never spoke up if anything happened to me, and so i wasn’t feeling well that day and ended up throwing up in the toilet and didn’t tell the teacher or anything, and when the first speaker was speaking one of the boy’s started complaining and the guy had to stop talking and the boy was refusing to sit next to me because I smelt. I don’t blame them as I started puberty early but my parents would just have my younger siblings to look after since I have 3 younger and 2 older, or they were busy dealing with my older sister who kept getting in trouble in school. A teacher ended up telling my brother who picked me up that I need deodorant and when they told my parents they got mad at me.

I was around 6 and I had to make my own school lunches, get ready for school, take my little sister with me and do my own hair. I didn’t have anyone to really relate to either as I was the only black person in my class so every time we watched something in class I would get so much anxiety as a black girl came on screen, as people would shout out that it looked like me when they we’re nowhere the same as me. I enjoyed playing basketball since I formed friends with mostly boys and I liked it however my parents said it was for boys and I ended up stopping. I also liked creating things I would make my siblings a bunch of stuff out of cardboard like a play kitchen I once made (to the best of my ability) yet my parents would always say I’m making a mess.

And then I ended up finding out about Roblox and I liked it a lot and played with my friends and stuff and I got my little sister to play with me we would make YouTube videos and a whole bunch of stuff. However, before this when I was around 5 or 6 I committed COCSA to both my little brother and little sister, I know my little brothers one was purely out of curiosity because he was a boy and I’m a girl and I never understood why we had different parts and my parents used to make me change his diaper so that’s how I figured it out. I also got exposed to porn on YouTube when it came on my home page and from there on I watched like vanilla stuff. I re enacted it on both my siblings once with my brother who I didn’t do a lot with but that still doesn’t dismiss it and the with my younger sister who I didn’t it twice with and we both took turns on both occasions. I don’t think my brother remembers but my sister does and we got in a fight when I was 17 and she was calling me ugly and I was calling her fat and then she just started saying incest out loud, I was stunned and she was like “yeah look who’s mad now” and I wasn’t even mad I just wasn’t expecting it. We never spoke on it before so it was a shock but I should’ve known it would come one day, after that she would just tell my niece that I’m a witch and to not come to me and would make comments in front of other people about me, these were all completely unprovoked as I stopped talking to her and just ignored her. I know what I did was bad back the but I was 7 at most and if I was to force her down and make her do stuff I would understand that but we literally took turns she also one year younger than me and I don’t know I just feel she’s trying to ruin my life with it.

I know I can move out and I’m definitely working on it. It also kind of hurts as I never did any of those things again and from that point we had a good bond we made YouTube channels together, would play games every day and would sleep with our doors open so we could speak. And It just feels like a slap in the face like because I did something bad as a kid everything from that point was meaningless. But anyways ever since I was like 16 my dad has been like he just puts my rest of my siblings over me instead of us all kinda equal, my younger sister who’s one year younger my mom and dad and older brother all call her the baby of the house. When I started secondary school my mom would make me carry her shopping home and go shopping for her it would be like carrying 2 bags of rice home like those biggg bags. And I wouldn’t be able to go with my friends out because they were too heavy and nobody wanted to follow me on my errands. When my sister who’s a year younger started secondary my mom decided it’s too heavy for her since she’s a baby and made me keep going and she would always go out with her friends and go to party’s and stuff and I’ve never been to a party, or any event, a restaurant, cinema not even to the park with my friends or shopping. And I just feel like my social life has been ripped away from me. I remember getting invited to a birthday party to dine out and my dad said no even though I would pay, and then my younger sister asked and she was going multiple places and coming back at midnight and he said yes and paid for her, my mom even chipped in.

And sometimes my dad will buy food and when I come down everything is gone and his reasoning is that I’m always asleep or in my room when he comes back, it’s like he expects me not to get tired or to be working I work all day as I do my work online so I can literally retire both my parents and at this point I’m just doing it because they’re my parents not because I want to. It feels like I have to do everything for everyone else because if I don’t I get in trouble and then my siblings get to have things normal in a way. My younger siblings were old enough to do chores yet my parents never made them I brought the issue up multiple times that I have exams and they literally have nothing, but when they eat they’ll from the rubbish on the floor and I have to clean it or my parents will start getting mad. And when they finally did my mom tried to rub it in my face like a kid saying haha and paying them to do it and now they won’t do chores unless they are paid and if they are not my mom complains to me. Whereas back then they would literally beat me for not doing it, I got beat the most out of my siblings my dad also beat me a lot to take his anger out on me I’d be bruised all over and he would chase me onto my bunk bed, and throw stuff at me to get me to come out of my hiding spots that he couldn’t get into and I may have adhd that may explain why I was naughty when I was younger, my older sister used to taunt me a lot as she would know exactly how to get me mad yet my parents dismissed her as she would always say she was having an asthma attack when she got in trouble or she would tell the social workers.

My mom and dad are also divorced but live together so I never hear the end of it. I started a new job and told my mom and her reaction was that it’s good and then she started going on about my dad and then my dad he started lecturing me then went straight to talking about my little sister and how she didn’t like the coat he bought her, he’s spoiled her so much out of all of us and if he had bought me a coat I didn’t like I’d have to suck it up and go to school with it. My dad also always talks about my mom. Sometimes I’ll be sleeping he’ll call me just to talk bad about her or if I go see him when he comes from work he gets straight to talking about my mom. I’m sorry this is long for whoever is reading this and I know hearing the stuff I’ve done, I might seem like a monster to some who deserves to be behind bars. And I can assure u I think the same of myself, I don’t think I’d get a therapist as I’ve always kept stuff myself and don’t really know how to talk to people the best. I can’t help but hate myself everyday through every accomplishment because I know the person that I was it all just feels undeserved and yeah. I’ll be late for work now so I’ll end It here.

I swear successful people cannot get what it's like to try to constantly try and fail, I swear I'm not being a lazy person I'm literally trying to force myself to do everything I have in my power to succeed but I can't I'm genuinely not built for this world, I tried therapy I tried Meds, I tried reading self help, I tried forcing myself, Everything I mean literally everything I do feels like moving mountains, just waking up and going to work feels heavy, just getting in the shower putting my clothes on and brushing my teeth feels like a lot, my work want to fire me now, and I don't blame them who am I to blame them? they literally gave me chance after chance after chance, to make it up and they aren't asking me to the be the employee of the month just to do my work and I swear I'm trying I'm trying to meet deadline to do my part, to be a good human being in society.

but guess I wasn't meant to be it hurts that my parents do not get, that I'm genuinely trying, and they are very supportive but they think I'm just being lazy and not trying enough it hurts to not be understood it hurts to fight the feeling that you're lazy, and not just incapable of doing things, I swear that I have been trying since years, but nobody of them successful people can get it, their life and activities seem so effortless, I'm constantly nervous anxious, sad and depressed, I tried therapy psychiatry but some aren't meant to continue to live, but for some reason it's wrong to end your OWN fucking life

this is NOT a pro-suicide post, (also not violent but has to do with death) more like my mortality is already questionable so i’ve decided to come up with a plan so that way it’s not a pain for the people around me once i’m gone. i don’t want to advertise to those near me that im close to being ready to die.
i’ve made myself a ‘death list’ things i want to get in order before my departure. i do wonder if these things are reasonable to think about or if i should maybe not bother. i genuinely worry about the money so much. if i die i don’t want all of the debts to go to my family members.

my list includes:
-verify life insurance policy & who are beneficiaries
-create a legit will explaining how i think my guarantor should go about handling my assets.. eh more like debts.
-write a memoir to the best of my ability
-because i like writing maybe write some letters to those i love

i feel like these are like legit things to consider but idk. when i say debts i mean like my unpaid balances on credit cards and my car loan. they seem so unimportant but i don’t want to burden others with the worry of having to take care of all of that. so hopefully i can get things in order prior to the deadline. lol.

also another thing i think about is location. something i want to do is maybe die somewhere i find to be peaceful but i don’t think that would be in the state i live in. or country even. would that make things for difficult? lastly i think about where id want my memorial to be. in the mindset of my family i know where they would want it. but i do wonder if maybe i should lay somewhere i myself find peaceful. but maybe all of that stuff actually doesnt matter at all.

i mostly just wanted to write this somewhere and get it off the forefront of my mind. and maybe someone can give my legit advice to some of the things im questioning / worried about.

I’m Twenty Six F. Don’t want to make it political at all but huge part of my problem is the economical situation in my country, it’s bad way too bad!!!
5 years ago I started photography, since i couldn’t get a job or project, i focused on learning and sharpening my skills in photography and editing. I do portrait and food and drink photography, and I’m really good at it even tho I don’t have top gear, I’m good enough to be able to get projects and have a decent income.
Later I started learning about graphic design and video editing, and been building up my portfolio. Even tho I’m not expert like I’m with photography, I’m still good at them, and can easily handle working on mid level projects which a lot of local businesses require.
Now let’s get deeper. I have narcolepsy, it’s a neurological sleep disorder, I can’t work 9 to 5 jobs and fix hours.
I have to work as a freelance with flexible hours and remote. And well my field of professional activity is suitable for working as a freelancer.
Now let’s talk about everything that I’ve tried to get a job. I have a good portfolio and resume. Every week I visit different restaurants, cafe shops, flower shops, jewelry stores to talk in person and advertise my work.
I look online for projects in my hometown, and remote positions in other countries and email them.
I try to communicate with people to build up a connection. In my town connections are important. I’ve tried everything every possible way!!!
I get rejected for different reasons, some reject me cause i can’t stay for fixed ours, and it’s actually unnecessary for content creating. Other content creators work with different businesses and for example, each day through week, they go to let’s say to a cafe shop, to do the photography and videography, then, they edit the content and deliver the needed media for the entire week to them.
Sometimes i get rejected because??? I don’t even know, for example there’s this guy in my hometown who does food and drink photography works with many local businesses, and has a team, once he posted a job opening, i talked with him and then he suddenly hired someone else, someone who even didn’t know the theory of photography!!!
Sometimes i get rejected because of the lack of gear. I’m hopeless in this part, I can’t afford changing my camera or buy lighting equipment, but you know what??? I’ve put in my best effort to compensate for these shortcomings by sharpening my photo editing and retouching skills. I can edit an image in such a way that it looks like it was shot with semi-professional lighting!!!
Sometimes I feel like people don’t take me seriously, like give me a chance.
So you can say that I’m trying my best and keep getting slapped in face and rejected and ignored.
I’m so tired and done can’t even pay my medical bills these days. I need a job to afford my most basic needs.
I swear I think that I’ve been hexed!!!

Before i start my first language isn't English and i have dyslexic

She 17f me 18f we met online at the time in 2021 we met a year later in real life we life 1 hour and a half away from each we connect tru a fandom we bold grow out of it around a year later aour friendship had als been srong we texted a lot but resantlie she has really stop replying we bolt start our studdys wich i under stand she has les time but today she dm me she is very bizzy and dus not have time for me anymore ans she is greatful for the time we had together wich is really unexsepted cuss 3 days before we Were texting a bhout handig out ans she was Existed to she were i work it came really unexsepted and she dus have a lot of time for her ader friends i don't know how to respond she was my only friend i have a really hard time to make friends i didn't expert it I dont know how to really or do I blok her do I remove her From my life like picture and gifts she gave me it hurts to see i dont know what to do