If only

Like it's an item on a conveyor belt they just reach over and snatch up. Like it's first come, first fucking serve.

No, you aren't my daddy. No, I will not listen to you. No, I do not want to be your slutty princess. No, I don't want to "be punished like the naughty girl I am."

I am not being cute. I am not testing you. I am not playing hard to get.

I will never be yours. Bc you can't even show me the common courtesy of a respectful greeting. Bc you seem to think my submission is just up for grabs, and that I'll hit my knees and open my mouth for any man who shows interest.

Absolutely not. My submission is precious. BDSM is, for me, deeply and irrevocably personal and special. It helps fulfill basic psychological needs I never had met growing up.

I don't call my partner "daddy" just bc it's supposedly sexy. I call my partner "daddy" bc my own father never cared enough to protect me from either my brother or my mother. Bc he never cared enough to walk 20 ft into my bedroom and ask me how I was doing. Bc I have a deep and abiding need for approval and acceptance.

I don't submit bc men think it's hot. I submit bc it fills spaces in me that have always been empty. Bc it gifts me with joy to gift the man I care about with my service and devotion.

This isn't a porno, and I'm not an object. This is my life and I am a human being deserving of basic decency and respect.

My submission is earned. Thru time and effort and respect and consideration and kindness and care. And none of the creepers in my DMs, those complete strangers, talking to me as tho my submission means nothing, will ever be worthy of it.

Rant over.

Disclaimer: I am aware that every dynamic is wildly different and I’m not saying that if a dom/me doesn’t do these things they’re low effort it’s just a bit of fun and after waiting for this life of my dreams for almost 3 decades I like bragging and oversharing a lil 🫶🏻

1. ⁠He cleans up EVERY mess I make. Or he makes me make rather. A big problem fully submitting and turning off my brain during sex used to be the potential mess (I’m a squirter) and he took care of every single one of my worries on day 1. I can literally go straight to sleep after sex and will wake up to fresh bedding and laundry already sorted.

2. ⁠He lets me suckle his dick or thumb to go to sleep or just soothe if we happen to be able to do this during the day. For however long I need. For context, I’m autistic and very badly orally fixated, not in like a porn way “omg i always need cock in my mouth” but like genuinely all day in every day life I need this to soothe really bad. It’s usually chewing gum or my lips but ofc that’s inconvenient when trying to sleep plus this is extremely intimate and sacred to me.

3. ⁠He brushes and braids my hair before I go to sleep. Every night. He learned to braid my hair before we even got together!

4. ⁠He can make me come in 20 different ways within a minute (in theory) and he KNOWS when I’m close I don’t even have to stop him when getting edged. I genuinely used to think it was literally physically impossible for me to get anywhere near a climax without touching myself at all. But alas 🤤

5. ⁠He has NEVER raised his voice or swore at me. Ever. And it’s been like 3 years. He doesn’t even shout to call me from the other room, he always goes out of his way to come and speak to me properly. I’ve got some trauma around being spoken to badly from the past and while he is naturally very gentle and soft spoken anyway, he has gone above and beyond as he always does for me 💖

I have struggled with my identity as a sub a lot in the past. I am very naturally submissive, not just sexually or romantically. But I’m also very sensitive and thought I couldn’t actually have a D/s relationship because I didn’t realise soft doms were a thing. I’m living the life I’ve craved for the longest time and just know I would have loved to see posts like this before I met daddy.

Throwaway account as I'm too upset to log into my main.

He died. My Sir is gone. One minute we were texting and making plans to play. Then nothing. I was so angry and hurt. I thought he ghosted me. The pain and confusion and hurt. At one point, I thought it was some elaborate psychological sadism and I was angry because I hadn't consented to that. I sent one message asking for a conversation and got nothing back.

Then a few weeks later, I see his face in the local newspaper with his obituary. No one knew about us, so nobody told me. And nobody knows my heart is broken. He was amazing, a dream come to life. We talked several hours everyday. He knew me, saw the real me. And now he's gone. Just needed to say it to someone. Thanks for reading.

I've seen a lot of us posting recently about how to know if someone's being creepy, or if this is just how bdsm works. So I wanted to put together a few tips to use.

To note: not all dynamics look the same, but this will give you some basic tools to use to help you figure things out. A barometer.

Basics / Definitions

If you're here, I assume you know what bdsm is. So, I'll move straight to terms that will be important for you to understand to know if something is a risk you want to take. It's not comprehensive by any means (please fill in any gaps in the comments!), but it's a jumping point.

• Petnames - Any name your dominant uses to refer to you as their sub. This might be soft, like "baby" or "Princess/prince", or it might be something more intense like "slut" or "cumbucket".

• Safewords - A word or short phrase that can be used to change or end a session. This is to keep you both safe - doms are allowed to call safewords, too.

• Hard / Soft Limits - Boundaries. A hard limit is something that should never be brought into a session. A soft limit is something you would really need to talk about first, a lot, and you're not super comfy with the idea, but you're willing to discuss. Limits can be anything as wide ranging as "No pain", to something more specific like "No degradation", to something laser pointed like "Don't call me a cumslut". Consider what yours are. And bring them up when dynamics are being discussed.

• Debrief - a period of time set aside to discuss what happened during a session. This helps process what just happened, and gives tips on what works, what didn't, what needs to be changed, etc.

• 24/7 - aka Full Time Dynamic. Exactly what's on the tin. A dynamic that you are agreeing to be in constantly.

• TPE - Total Power Exchange, also synonymous with Slave Play (though not identical). This is when a dominant takes over all aspects of a sub's life. It might look like a dominant picking how the sub dresses, what they eat, how the sub operates in day to day life, and more. Please be careful with this.

• High Protocol (HP) - often paired with TPE, this is where the sub has strict rules to follow with their dominant. It may be something as simple as "let me order for you when we go out to eat" to as complex as "When we are out, you are to walk to the right of me and one step back. You are not to speak until spoken to. You must address me as Master at all times."

• Funishment - Punishment is pretty obvious. Funishment is when you receive a "fun" type of punishment, such as "I'm going to do XYZ to you, and you can't cum til I say so."

• Sharps - a type of bloodplay where anything sharp is involved. Needles, knives, blades, etc.

• Primal - Including things like scratching, biting, and growling.

• CNC - Consensual Non-Consent. Also sometimes referred to as r-pe play. Note that this is consensual nonconsent. This is premeditated, not something to be sprung upon you.

Vetting

Vetting is the practice of getting to know someone before jumping into a dynamic. You won't know if a person at the bar is an asshole until you get to know them. Likewise, you won't know if a dom is a good match until you get to know them. That's Vetting.

You need to ask questions to know what they're like, and you are 100% ALLOWED to ask for references. You are allowed to ask "Have you been with other subs before? Do you have references? Can I chat with them?" Not providing references isn't a dealbreaker, but getting offended that you'd even ask, is a red flag. If they don't know what Vetting is, it may be that they're new to the scene (and if they say they've been in the bdsm scene for 10 years and have never heard the term "vetting" before, that's a red flag).

Vetting is supposed to be a long process. You are giving the dominant control over your body, your mind, and in some more dangerous types of play, your health or even life.

Here are things you may want to consider asking:

• What's your style? - Are they a soft-dom? Sadist?

• Whats your Risk Profile? - this deserves more than just a few words, see below. Way below.

• What are your limits? Everyone has limits. Everyone. No one wants to die as a result of a play session. That's a hard limit. (if they do, that's a whole other problem, and they are not a safe play partner). Limits will vary from person to person, but everyone has some.

• What are things you like in a session? What are things you need to feel satisfied after a session? - If "drawing blood" is a need of theirs and you're not into blood play, they're probably not a good fit for you.

• How do you tend to your partner's needs? - This one is a bit more open ended, but you're listening for if they will listen to what you need and want in the dynamic, and during a session.

• How do you handle safewords when they come up? - They will come up. Anyone who insists safewords never, ever come up is either a fool or lying through their teeth - or remarkably lucky and please buy a lottery ticket and give me 5% please.

• Do you like to push limits? And how so? - Any rational, seasoned dom will balk at this question. But also, "pushing a sub to their limit" and "pushing a limit" are different things. But if someone is ready and willing to push you past your hard limits, that's a huge red flag.

• What do you do for aftercare? - "Nothing" is usually a red flag. Most people need comforting or reassurance, or at least water and a debrief. On that note

• Do you do debriefs? When do you do them? - Sessions should always have some kind of debrief (even if it's just "Did that feel good?"). More intense sessions, like sharps and CNC, should have long, detailed debrief. I imagine aftercare is also vital for CNC.

• What experience do you have with X kink? - we're not looking for "I've been a dom for 8 years". We want to try to get a story out of them to assess whether or not they know what they're doing; ex. "I started working with rope back in 2015, but didn't try anything for about a year while learning what to do and signs to look for and first aid in case something happens."

• For more dangerous kinks, What sort of first aid do you know? What signals do you look for? - for obvious reasons. Ex. A rigger (dominant in ropework) should know the signs of low blood circulation - blue skin, tingling, etc - so they can know to adjust if something is too tight.

• Are you Poly or Mono? and if they say "mono" then Have you ever been Poly in the past? - if you're not open to sharing your dom, do not go into this thinking you'll be able to convince them to choose you because you love them more than their other partner. It's not fair to you, it's not fair to them, it's not fair to their other partner(s). Don't do that to yourself. Please.

Kink and submission is fun, but it can also be very dangerous, physically and mentally, and a dom needs to know their ropes. A dom nforming a sub of their experience level will only serve to give a solid foundation to the dynamic. Expect the same line of questioning from them.

Risk Profiles

Risk profiles is a term used to assess if something is acceptable to you. There are 3 main risk profiles.

• SSC - "Safe, Sane, and Consensual". Everything must be done safely and within reason, and it must be consensual - everyone must be on board enthusiastically.

• RACK - "Risk-aware Consensual Kink". Posits that, some kinks are just, not safe. Instead of focusing on it being "safe", it says that everyone needs to be aware of the potential risks involved, and agree to taking those risks on. Also, it must be consensual.

• PRICK - "Personally Responsible, Informed Consensual Kink". This takes it a slight step further by saying that your play partner should not be responsible for making sure you know the risks involved in an activity. It's not their responsibility to make sure you know what you're getting into. It's your responsibility to be educated about what you are doing / what is going to be done to you. Same goes for your partner. You're not responsible for informing them, they are responsible for themselves.

You might have noticed a trend. "Consensual" is non-negotiable. Consent is 100% required for bdsm (and for all sex, for that matter). If it is not consented to, it is r-pe.

And yeah, there are younger doms who may not have all the answers off the bat, but they should be willing to consider them and try to give an answer, or to be willing to research and get back to you on it.

Red Flags

It's hard to see red flags sometimes, especially if your potential new dom is particularly charming and is saying all the right things. But there are usually a few tells.

• "I will push your limits to test you / your will / your submission." - Limits are limits for a reason. They should always, always be respected. Limits can change over time, but they should always be adhered to.

• "I don't discuss limits, I prefer to 'discover' them." - This means they'll push you until you get hurt, physically or mentally. Someone who aims to hurt you, off the bat, is not a safe play partner.

• "You're a sub, you don't get to have limits." - EVERYONE CAN AND SHOULD have limits! If any dom tells you that your limits, boundaries, and preferences don't matter, they can fuck off.

• **"I don't have any limits." ** - like I said, everyone should have limits. A good one for a dom would be "I refuse to kill my sub." If they "don't have any limits", they've either never thought about it which is a sign of inexperience, or they're trying to pressure you into giving up on your limits.

• Refusing to have safewords - Safewords are there for a reason. They protect you from being hurt - mental scars can hurt just as bad a physical ones, so LDRs aren't exempt. They also protect a dom. Because finding out you hurt your sub in a way that you didn't intend to and they didn't want can be absolutely damaging to your self esteem as a dom and as a respectable human being. Safewords are for everyone involved.

• Approaching as if you're already in a dynamic - Messaging you and demanding pics because you're a sub is SUCH a fake dom move. But also, approaching you and calling you a petname before you consent to it is another flag. They've just approached you, they don't know you, you're not their sub. They're hoping to bully you into it. They don't even know if said petname is something that would trigger you.

• Pushing for commitment to an intense kink early on. - No one should push you into a 24/7 TPE dynamic, especially soon after meeting you. That has so many major red flags all over it. my Alpha and I didn't even discuss the possibility of high protocol for kink cons until 6 months in. And that's not even 24/7.

Tips

If you're still reading, you may need some additional thoughts and tips.

• Safewords - The Stoplight System is a common series of safewords that people use. "Green" means "I'm good to go". "Yellow" means "Lets pause / give me a moment to adjust/mental break" or "Can we change the scene up?" or "I need you to adjust something for me / I need you to stop doing X please.". "Red" means "Something is desperately wrong, we need to stop now and move to aftercare immediately." To note, mental health is just as valid a reason to call red or yellow. "Yellow, please don't call me your little piggy" and "Red, I just got triggered, please have to stop." on the flipside, your dom is also allowed to call red, even if it's for your health. In the past, I've wanted to continue a scene when I'd just had a bit of a crumble, mentally, but I wanted to be a "good sub" and keep going. He called red and we went to aftercare and debrief, where I had a full on meltdown, and he could properly address it.

• If you're interested in one of the more intense or dangerous kinks, take a look at getting a contract. It's not uncommon for people to write out what they want or don't want in their dynamic or during a scene. Especially with cnc and tvp (double especially if it's 24/7), you need to have a long negotiation covering what is and isn't allowed, what rules are, and what safewords are in place. There should always be a safeword. BDSM is a game. It can be a permanent game, but the game needs to have a way to be called off if something's wrong. Yes, even in CNC - contracts, limits, and safewords are all essential. Screaming is part of the kink, as well as screaming in fear. But that's incredibly hard to differentiate from "screaming because you just broke my leg".

• Safesigns - like safewords, but sometimes you can't speak (if you're gagged or if you've got their genitals in your mouth). Tapping on their leg 3 times is one I've seen used before. But sometimes, you're also bound; in that case, you can hold a ball or keys or something, and if something's wrong, you can drop it to signify a safesign.

• Sub Frenzy - is totally a real thing. It happens when a sub becomes a bit crazed after finding out about bdsm, wanting to try out everything, without break or pause, and without enough preparation or learning about the subject.

Thank you for attending my Ted Talk.

So we did a scene last night and it was probably the roughest one yet, including orgasm denial and "forced" anal, collar and chains and cuffs and ball gag, plugs, etc. Since I was cuffed (with my hands behind my knees) and gagged, it was understood in place of a "safe word" we would have a signal that included me tapping 3 times with my hand on his hand. He made sure to keep his hand within reach (or some other part of his body), and every now and then if he was particularly rough or forceful I would rub his arm slightly with my hand so he knew I was ok. Well there was an issue with one of the props we were using and I felt the bad kind of pain, so I signaled to him. IMMEDIATELY without hesitation he stopped and ungagged me and was comforting and asked if I was ok and what was wrong. It was a simple fix and we were able to hop back into the scene but it was SO REASSURING how quickly he switched to my Loving Dom and cared for me. The trust I have for him was reinforced a million times over, and when we got back into the scene it was probably the strongest orgasm I've ever had because I was able to just let go and trust that I was safe.

Trigger warning: sexual assault:: I have a history of sexual assault so this is a big moment for me and I've never felt that before.

I hope its okay to post this is about my sub side. So I assume im welcome??? Im not sure. I’ve been in the scene over a decade as a Dom. I took pride in it—learned, read, listened, earned my partners’ trust. Aftercare? Ritual. Boundaries? Respected. Brats? Loved every challenge. I thought I had a decent grip on things.

Then life changed, and I gave up control. Ive decided to explore submission. Thought I was prepared. Spoiler alert: I wasn’t.

And I just have to say: Subs. Have. It. So. Much. Worse.

The amount of absolute trash I’ve had to sift through looking for a Domme who actually knows what the hell they’re doing? Ridiculous.

• They try to move off the app within one message.

• They don't read your damn profile or your limits.

• They can't explain aftercare, protocols, or even the basics of how bratting works.

• "Punishments" are just stonewalling and ghosting.

*they want to jump into play(as a dom this would take me over a week to get too sorry not sorry vetting and understanding my sub took priority over any urges to play) Like… what are we doing here?

I’m putting real thought into this—my ads, my replies, my pacing, my vetting. I give people benefit of the doubt, I match their energy. I think I’ve found someone solid and then bam—I’m the one explaining what emotional drop is. I’m explaining why shutting out a brat isn’t dominance, it’s neglect.

Some of these folks throw around “5+ years experience” like that means anything. You’ve been doing this for half a decade and still don’t understand the purpose of aftercare? I didn’t even get a good night text from the last one.

And I swear—bratting? Absolute chef’s kiss. I finally understand the appeal from the other side. But if your Dom(me)’s reaction to a little playful resistance is to go cold and cut you off? That’s not Domination. That’s emotional immaturity wrapped in a power kink.

My wife (who I’ve Dommed for 5 years) used to say I was the best Dom she ever had. I thought she was just boosting my ego. Now? I believe her. Because the bar is in hell.

To the “Dommes” out there: Read a fucking book. Do better. You’re not entitled to a sub’s trust just because you slap a capital letter in your handle. If you want control, earn it.

Switching sides has taught me a lot. Mostly that subs—and especially brats—are putting their vulnerability in the hands of people who have no idea how to hold it. And that’s unacceptable.

Do better. Or get out of the way for those who can.

I want to hear about your Doms whom people would be really surprised to hear are sexually dominant.

My husband is this sweet ray of sunshine. I think he's what people are talking about when they talk about "golden retriever" guys. He's gentle and easy-going, solicitous and respectful, never bossy or short-tempered. Kids love him because he talks to them like real people and he's not afraid to be goofy. He takes such good care of me and our family.

All of this makes it even hotter when he aggressively shoves his thumb into my mouth while fucking me and growling "You like that, don't you?" into my ear. Ummm, yes. Yes, I do like that. 🥵

(This post brought to you by ovulation)

This is not the space for you. You do not get to behave any way you want here. Your comments WILL be removed.

It's one thing to accidentally come over to this sub and make a polite or helpful comment in good faith. Those comments will still be removed but we know you didn't mean any harm.

It is a whole other thing to post argumentive, dismissive, sexualizing, and downright insulting comments. This is not your house. You do not get to treat submissives however you feel. You are not entitled to us and you are not welcome here.

Daddy and I live in a pretty big house, and recently one of our friends has been staying in one of our bedrooms out of convenience. So, Daddy told me I have to be really quiet for playtime (I tend to be very vocal 😬).

So, last night we played and I started out really well! I was being very quiet. But things got a little bit more intense and I couldn’t hold it in anymore, so I accidentally let out a sound, and Daddy did the funniest thing. He paused, let go of my hands, and put my own thumb in my mouth. I just stared at him, wide-eyed in surprise. I was so startled that I was very quiet after that haha. It made me feel mega subby! It took a long time for me to come round after that session ended.

Hi. I noticed a LOT more of you all recently. We can't stop you from looking. You can, however, be banned if you can't respect the community rules. This is Sub Sanctuary. As in; a sanctuary for submissives.

You're not welcome to interact with this community. You aren't allowed to have your submissive post as a proxy here. It definitely is not okay for you to use our sub as a hunting ground for your next jerk off session. Switches are welcome to only post and comment from their submissive perspective.

I see a lot of posts on here from people asking if what they're experiencing after a scene is sub drop or not, so I thought it might be helpful to create an open space for people to talk about their experiences of drop and how they cope with it.

I've not been involved in BDSM for very long, however I have experienced drop and different levels of drop on more than one occassion. For me, this tends to manifest in the following ways (although I don't necessarily get all of these 'symptoms' every time I drop):

• Suddenly feeling very cold.

• Sudden drop in energy levels. This doesn't necessarily mean tiredness in the sleepy sense, but physical exhaustion instead. This one is also variable and my most recent experience of drop has been split into two parts. One part, dominated (no pun intended) by this physical exhaustion to the point where I was struggling to walk home from the shops and physically swaying whilst there out of exhaustion. The second part (which I'm experiencing right now) is entirely the emotional side of things.

• Cravings for sugary carby things (this one is variable and appears to not be as much of a thing when I'm on a low carb, low sugar diet anyway).

• Confusion. I find myself less able to make connections between pieces of information as quickly as usual, decisions making is hard and more intellectual things like reading becomes impossible.

• Feeling sad/depressed. This is a variable one, sometimes this is very acute and overrides a lot of the physical things and sometimes it's more like a minor background hum.

• Feeling small. I don't know a better way to describe this one because it's sort of a mix of an emotional and a physical feeling.

• Feeling vulnerable/wanting to hide from other people.

• Longing for gentle physical contact, namely hugs (mostly to counter the vulnerable/small feelings).

as a trans guy being misgendered is a Not Fun experience for me. this sub isn't meant to be fem-exclusive and yall know it. i posted a single (1) time here yesterday and got misgendered by 3 people, JUST because i posted. like. guys cmon. yall can do better than that. please, be more mindful to make an all-gender inclusive space.

Anyone else feeling like they don’t want to sub since the election of Trump 2.0?

Degradation under these circumstances feels like adding insult to injury. I (F) can’t enjoy being a f-toy or a good slut now that 1/2 the country has made it clear they don’t care about women’s rights.

My bf/dom is a rare one. He’s queer, sweet, thoughtful, and a feminist who takes amazing care of me and is so understanding of me needing a break from subbing for now. But are any other subs feeling similarly since the election?

My Daddy collared me a little over two weeks ago and I'm over the moon excited. We spent that time working on and refining our Rules and Guidelines that come along with it (it was a wonderfully open, honest and joint process between the two of us), and they make me so unbelievably happy that I just want to share them with some folks who will understand! This all makes me feel so loved and protected and safe and also sexy and wanted and all of it!

As long as I'm wearing Daddy's collar:

1. I will do what I must to make sure I am as physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy as possible. I cannot take care of Daddy without first taking care of myself.

2. I must tell others what my collar means if they ask, and I'm encouraged to tell others when I feel like sharing.

3. I will always be ready to play with Daddy, no matter the time, place, or circumstance.

4. I will always keep myself safe and will not hesitate to use Daddy's safe words when necessary

5. My collar is Daddy's, just like I am, and I will never remove it. If I must remove it for safety or other reasons, I must tell him. I can then ask him if it's okay to restore it when the moment has passed.

To be a Good Girl:

1. I will never wear panties when Daddy's around unless he requires it.

2. I will always sleep naked unless Daddy requests otherwise.

3. I will be mindful in making my bed to the best of my ability every day before noon.

4. When he's away, I will let Daddy choose my panties every day before I get dressed so he can be close to me.

5. If I break these rules or any others that Daddy has made for me, I will tell him immediately so I can look forward to receiving my punishment.

Good things for Good Girls to remember:

I should remember to drink some water,
And maybe eat a food,
And take care of my space

I should write a little when I can,
For myself and for others,
And be artsy and craftsy when it suits me

I should get a little sunshine each day,
And skate my butt off when I can,
And see my team as often as I'm able

When things are good or when they're bad,
I should remember I'm loved by so many people,
And to give love as freely as its given to me

And among all the wonderful things that I am,
I should remember I'm always Daddy's,
The sparkly girl he owns and loves

Like there’s stars in my blood stream, and my soul is tucked up in bed. How do these two words have such a powerful effect on me? 🤤

I'd like to preface this post by saying I have been in the lifestyle for over 15 years, yes I have a support system and yes I have an amazing kink aware therapist that knows me like no other. I'm not sure why I am posting here; perhaps its because I can take comfort in knowing I am amongst kindred spirits that will understand.

15 years of knowing I was and always would be a submissive. The babygirl part was hidden for most of those years, she came out and did her best, but it wasn't with the right perosn or the right time. 10 years of surviving a gaslighting toxic relationship with a man who was also my Dom, resulting in increased anxious attachment, and two years of intense therapy to help work through the damage he did.

You know in movies and books when the girl in the story goes through hell, and basically gives up and then bam, finds the love of her life who was basically there the whole time? Yeah that happened to me; just add the D/s twist to it.

When I met him I assumed he was vanilla. He had always been around , before we got to talking, for years, always among our mutual circle of friends. After my horrendous breakup, he was someone I chatted with often, because of circumstances in our professional and personal lives, we ran into each other several times a week. He was always in my peripheral vision, but I was so caught up in healing and moving on, didn't pay much attention. When I did, and short conversations became texting, calling, meeting for drinks and dinner, I realized there was a definite mutual attraction. But like some people in the lifestyle, at one point I would have to leave it at friendship. How would I explain what attracted me, what turned me on, how I needed that power exchange all of the time, not just with a play partner in a scene.

Although the months leading up to the day we had the most important conversation were really good, the night he called me on being a submissive was the date I considered us to be "us".

And our love story began. Not only was he kind, genuine, real and knowledgeable, he was dominant through and through, with major Daddy vibes. The day "Yes Daddy " rolled off my tongue, it was so natural and right...like we had been together for decades. And he loved being that to me.

I was never so happy, so safe, so loved. He wanted to experience so much with me, and we did.
All of the things I had wanted for so long, protocol events, led around by a leash, submitting to him every chance I had. And then weaving that into our regular lives. Creating rituals for when he was over, and planning for the future.
There was no other feeling in the world that topped me crawling into his lap after a long day and that kiss on the forehead from him making me feel so safe. He said I was his forever.

I wished we had met earlier on life, I wished I hadnt wasted so much time with the wrong person. He would calm my fears....insisting that we were meant to be, and met when we did.

And that we had all the time in the world.

But we didn't.
10 months ago, he died suddenly and unexpectedly.

I've always thought that BDSM brought a "times 10" factor to everything: sex, love, breakups, betrayal.
It was all the more amplified when you threw a consensual power exchange in the mix.

I was not prepared for the overwhelming, drowning all consuming pain that is grieving the loss of my Daddy. He was my boyfriend, he was planning to move in with me or find a house for us. We had plans to travel, to grow old together.

He had a custom made day collar made for me a few months after we knew what we were to each other.

My play collar which was more obvious, was kept under my pillow when not in use at play parties or play at home, and every night he would collar me before bed and take it off in the morning. My family and friends say they can't imagine the pain I am going through. But they don't know..not really, about how devastated and lost I am.

We were both not looking for anything. We had both given up in our own way of ever finding that person that was truly their other half. And then just like that, we found each other. What are the odds?

I had my happy. The finality of knowing that it will never happen again, that I will never have this again, is comforting in a way. It is something true, something concrete. But it is so incredibly sad. Every Fibre of my being misses him. And its two-fold It is the grief of not having my partner, and not having the dominant, protective force that he was in my life. The lack of ritual and service that was so integral in our relationship, that I loved doing more than anything else, has created a chasm of darkness.

I go through the motions of work and bills and so on, but the rest of my life now is empty. And pretty much meaningless. I can not see myself being what I was to him, for anyone else.... ever.

So I mourn the loss of myself as well.

I thank you all for listening.

So apparently I’ve got a praise kink. Okay, not apparently. It’s very real and very strong.

I had a performance review at work, and bestie, I have never left a meeting so wet. Emotionally. Physically. Existentially.

They hit me with “exceptional,” “impactful,” and “crucial to the team.” I was fighting for my life not to moan.

Forget sexts. Tell me I’m exceeding expectations and watch me melt.

There’s just something about being seen, validated, and told I’m killing it. It hits harder than any “you up?” text.

This is my Roman Empire now. I’ll be rereading that feedback like it’s fanfic.

If you need me, I’ll be basking in the afterglow of corporate praise and wondering why we don’t get performance reviews in every relationship.

I am a bit of a lurker and have only posted/commented a few times. (Not that this makes my point any less valid) I am also a woman who is submissive and has known and participated in BDSM for 44 years. I have been around and made the mistakes.

I think a lot of the heartache, hurt feelings, feelings of being abandoned can be avoided if people would not submit to people they don’t know.

I just read a post from someone who had been speaking with someone for a couple of days and is devastated because they were punished and the dom left her with no aftercare. And I read similar posts on the daily.

Stop putting yourself in these positions.

Thank you.

**UPDATE: I do not mean anything derogatory by using the term males. Yes, I could have used women and men. Or male and female. It’s not something I thought heavily about at all, let alone in a vindictive way. I’m sharing my experience as a cis, heterosexual, woman.**

**UPDATE** The guy mentioned later in the post has been reported. This guy claimed he is a clinical psychologist grad student so is weaponizing education to implement severe emotional abuse, and narcissistic abuse tactics on subs. Someone in the comments told me to report to r/fakedominantreporting so I did. Here is that post if you’d like to see. https://www.reddit.com/r/fakedominantreporting/s/ly4BERRlgt **

I just wanted to say that it SUCKS being a girl in kink who’s into denial, slave play, humiliation, power play etc.

A lot of the male “doms” that approach me have a combo of low IQ, abusive complexes, hate women and are porn addicts.

I feel like they cannot fathom that I enjoy being degraded and giving up control during play but I also have self-respect and require them to earn my trust and treat me like a person first. It almost breaks their brain as if it’s a hard concept to understand. Because I won’t meet up and sleep with them asap or let them call me degrading things asap then it’s “well, what did you expect after saying those things turned you on?” and now I’m “difficult” because I’m trying to explain to you what a consensual, healthy, kinky dynamic between two adults looks like?! It’s like having to see me as a person at all gets them soft.

I literally had a man tell me yesterday that he is into emotional abuse, wants TPE and wants his sub to be completely obsessed with him… didn’t ask me about limits, of course, before trying to get in my head and “hypno play.” I fear a lot of these spaces are losing the plot. I wish I could report him, but I don’t know where to do it.

Its incredibly frustrating and making me not want to seek a dynamic anymore. Like I’d rather just have vanilla sex indefinitely, thanks. I know we talk often about fake doms, and that not every male dom is like this, but it gets harder to believe the less you run into a genuine dom. Everybody wants the power and control without understanding that they only get it within the subs limits and trust.

Just want to share(shout) a loving reminder into the ether: YOU DESERVE BETTER ❤️

I’ve seen so many heart-breaking posts of outright abuse here lately. No, having a safeword doesn’t mean “topping from the bottom”. No, them violating your boundaries is not ok! No, it is not ok for them to demand things from you that you are not comfortable giving. No, abuse is never warranted!

You deserve respect. You deserve communication. You deserve to have your boundaries honored. Your submission is a gift.

If you come here seeking permission from other subs to leave an abusive situation: WE GRANT IT ❤️

I’m looking for like a kink list I can look through and sort into my personal yes, no, maybe list. Is there a website like that? I have taken the bdsm test. I want to have a better idea of what I like and don’t like so I can more clearly communicate that to my partner.

Thanks subbies! <3

Maybe it’s because it’s the beginning of the week and I’m projecting the Monday blues on this but I’m really annoyed by Doms in this space coming here to ‘domsplain’ things to us subs. And it’s almost always cishet dudes.

To Doms posting here:

You are boring, most likely single, a predator at worst or at best a bit dim and cannot preach about boundaries and red flags simply because you cannot understand the plainest of instructions:

rule 2: no Doms

Thank you. 🙂

Signed: a slave-not-your-slave