TLDR; I talked my daughter through a pivotal moment in puberty and broke the shame cycle I grew up with.

I hit puberty in 1980. I grew up in a very conservative Midwestern fundamentalist Christian household. My family never talked about anything about sex or reproductive health (unless it was to condemn something sinful.)

One morning when I was 11, I bruised my crotch in a minor bike accident. I didn't think much of it until later that day when I came home from school, feeling head-achy, flushed and tired. I went to the bathroom and there was blood "down there." I freaked out for a bit about the bike accident, then it dawned on me this must be that "period" thing my cousin told me about when I asked her about that Tampax commercial. My mom was away at work, but I knew I wouldn't feel comfortable telling her about this kind of thing anyway. I did remember seeing a box of tampons in her bathroom. Luckily, they still had the paper instructions in them. I read it over carefully and finally figured out how to insert a tampon. I took some aspirin and laid back down. Later Mom came home and asked why I wasn't feeling well. "I think I got my period," I said. "Did you find the tampons?" she asked. When I said yes, she said OK and went to make dinner. That was the sum total of our talks about sex health, unless you count the time I admitted at the age of 14 I had anxiety and depression after a 27 year old friend of the family got me drunk and took my virginity. My mom's reaction was to slap my face, call me a tramp and made me vow to never tell anyone. Our relationship only grew more toxic after that and I left home as soon as possible.

When I was in my late 30's, after 15 years of marriage and doctors telling me I was probably infertile, my husband and I were miraculously blessed with a baby. I vowed to be the best mom I could be to her and not to repeat the mistakes of the past. I dreaded her reaching puberty, scared she would turn away from me and our relationship would become toxic just like my mother and me. Instead, we have bonded and our family is whole and healthy.

Last night I sat on the other side of the bathroom door for a half hour, talking to her about her body and coaching her to learn to use a tampon. She has some hang-ups about her vagina and periods being "bloody and gross." She's been using a pad, but she doesn't want to miss swim practice. After a few minutes of trying, she noped out, embarrassed and said she can't do it and left the bathroom red faced. We talked some more, and she admitted she thinks it feels weird to have something foreign there and is afraid it will hurt. I encouraged her to at least go back and use a mirror and her hands to understand where exactly the tampon goes. She spent some more time in the bathroom, then came out and jumped up in a victory stance. "I did it!" she exclaimed. "I shoved a damn tampon up my va-jay-jay!" she laughed, pointing at her crotch like a 90's rapper. I high-fived her. Later that night she told me she went ahead and explored her anatomy with her fingers, to get more comfortable with it. I told her it was perfectly natural and she could come to me with any questions.

I did it. I broke the shame cycle! I feel proud to be her mom.

I feel like a sex assassin now! How great is this?

Context: the post was a meme about being anti-porn. I said that while mainstream porn like the search pictured in the memes is absolutely problematic and "needs to be overthrown", ethical porn owned and created by women does in fact exist and that just bc mainstream porn is not feminist does not give license to slut shame women who participate in the porn industry.

Idk where else to post this, but wtf is going on over there??

Thank you for noticing, when I walked in, how out-of-my-element I was. I was 18, on a spring break trip with my parents, and had walked in because I thought the store's name was funny. I knew what an adult store was, but had never been in one. Thank you for graciously ignoring the fact that I had clearly never seen so many penises in one place before, and was obviously trying not to either giggle like a schoolgirl or go running back out the door. Thank you for calling me over and showing me your necklace- a little silver penis that got erect when you pulled on a chain (Dick Cheney, you called it)- and putting me at ease.

You asked me if I'd ever owned a toy before. I told you that I was traveling with family, so now probably wasn't the time. Thank you for nodding understandingly, and immediately pulling out a tiny bullet vibrator, one that you said I'd be able to hide in my purse. Thank you for giving me a tutorial with it on the palm of my hand, and still graciously ignoring how hard I was trying not to laugh from embarrassment.

I ended up going to dinner with my family and then ducking back into your store. Thank you for remembering me. Thank you for immediately grabbing that little bullet vibrator back out, taking it out of its packaging for me without me asking, and putting it directly (and deep) down in my purse to hide it. Thank you for pushing me to do something that I probably never would've done otherwise. Thank you for my first vibrator.

I still have that vibrator. I always will. I think it might be safe to say that it holds more sentimental value for me than vibrators generally do for people, though I could be wrong. Thank you for giving me such a great memory to look back on, every time I glance in my nightstand drawer. Thank you, Woman Behind the Counter at the Adult Store in Arkansas. Thank you. I won't ever forget you.

Edit-typo

I am writing this because I have realized just how bizarrely uneven casual sex caters for men’s desires and I want to offer my boys a perspective on how to blow a woman’s mind. The whole piece refers to heterosexual encounters and is mostly based on discussions, science, and personal experience. The examples I use might be overly drastic and generalizing.

I find it severely unfortunate that hookups (including fwb stuff), as they are practiced in this day and age, leave women sexually frustrated and in regret.

If you are a man who have had the occasional expedition, chance is high that you are a regret for someone – and so am I.

Why do hookups suck so much for girls?

The three main reasons are:

Risk of safety

I always conceptually understood that women are in danger of being assaulted way more than men. However, for myself, I never thought much about this being a possibility.

When I am alone at night wandering through the streets, I do not feel any fear. When I am meeting a stranger from Tinder for a walk, I do not hedge the chance of being kidnapped and dragged into the woods. When I am going to her place after a few drinks, I do not worry about her respecting my consent. I feel always in control, I feel always in power. Women do not have the luxury of security. For women, a one-night stand is a gamble and her physical and mental health are the stakes.

Being labelled a slut

Whenever my viper strikes my value as a man rises. I am free to express my sexuality and society applauds me for it. Imagine, how it must feel if the opposite where the case? Imagine, your gut was filled with shame whenever you shared a novel moment of intimacy? Imagine, people, even some of your ‘friends’, resent you for your sexual adventures.

We hold onto these strange ideals where we put women down over sex. Slut shaming is the most idiotic thing ever.

Not getting off

I used to complain that this world was so unfair: “Women can get all the sex they want.” Little did I know, how inaccessible good sex is for them. The problem is that a satisfying sexual experience for both genders looks vastly different. Unlike men, in most cases, women do not get much from a quick in and out. Just read about it on one of the many posts on r/SexPositive. I am sure for you this is not news. However, most of us men do not apply this knowledge (it is really difficult because of how we are wired). I recently read an article describing this imparity as the ‘orgasm gap’. Like this world does not have enough ‘gaps’ already.

Concluding: Just think about that one time where you did not get to finish, your lover rolling around, just nodding off. Being left there feeling incomplete, abandoned, frustrated. The next day you meet your roommate in the kitchen, your views cross and his disappointed eyes say it all: ‘What a nasty, little whore you are.’ At least you kept your sexual dignity this time.

That right there, gentlemen, is the sad world of casual sex for the other side. On top of that, we guys tend to treat women like an object that is to be conquered, used and abandoned. While men’s regret resolves about missed opportunities, women almost exclusively regret having seized the wrong opportunities. A big part that plays into it has to do with us men putting our own joy over women’s.

It is not about skill, it is about mindset

From my experience, the biggest difference in joy for the other person makes my perspective. In other words, how I think about the encounter, the other human being involved and myself. It all starts with mutual respect. I cannot stress this enough, we are two human beings, we both have our own little life, we both have the same value and the same right to experience happiness. We both have things we feel insecure about. We both have regrets. We both got to deal with life – and that is freaking difficult at times.

Casual sex can be a wonderful escape from all of that. Imagine, you just rocked someone’s world, you two were lost completely in the moment. Maybe she told you that you were her best, maybe you two could openly share your vulnerabilities, maybe it was simply a good fuck. The next day you walk through the streets with your head held high. You feel like your heart, with every stroke, pounds pride through your chest. Rejuvenation, in this moment, life is beautiful. You are on top of your game and you deserve to feel this way and so does she.

What can you do to make her feel awesome about herself?

I will talk a bit about how I go about casual sex myself. This is by no means the perfect way of doing it. My way caters towards my personal strengths. Regardless, the key is that I always try to provide value for the people I meet. Value could be anything like listening to her problems, encouraging her to dare a leap of faith, having a whole lot of fun together, etc., and no, I do not think money qualifies here. My goal is to always leave her better than I found her. Who would you be more likely to regret having trusted, the person who gave you something or the person who took something away from you?

The three phases of casual encounters are:

Before

It all starts with the selection. I make sure to only meet with people who I have matching expectations with. For this, I clearly communicate the deal I am having in mind. If I feel she is only kind of okay with it, it is a pass. Bios can be great indicators for that, and I see that sometimes communicating so bluntly is unsexy and takes away the playfulness. Skipping it is fine, however, it results in more dates which are, let us say, more on the talkative side. That is also why I only meet women who have interesting things to say.

During

Showtime. ‘In person’ is arguably the most difficult part of casual encounters. I want to emphasize that my sexual performance is not a concern of mine. Yours should not be a concern of yours. Given, it helps to have her head shaking in disbelief after the fifth orgasm, but that is not what this piece is about. It is about showing her that you are respecting her by treating her as an equal. How do I do that?

First, and this is the most important part, I will, under no circumstances, do anything that she is not comfortable with. That means, that I am extremely conscious about when I make a move. If I sense hesitation, I will respect her space and will not create any pressure. I do not need to prove anything. I do not gain or lose any points if I reach a certain base. However, in my book, I lose hella lot of points if I break her consent.

Once I had a date with a gorgeous girl. It is late at night and we agree that I would pick her up from her hotel that she was sharing with a co-worker. So, we drive to the room that I booked just for the occasion. We checked in and sit on the huge bed. The light is out, and I slowly move in her direction. Suddenly, I sense her being very tense, curling up in something that can only be described as a defensive pose. I immediately stop my advance and ask her: “What is wrong?” Turns out she has never done a one-night stand in her life and does not feel ready for it. Note, she would not have said anything if I had not asked her. This is mostly because culturally saying no is considered rude and we barely said hi so there was no trust.

Recap: I took a one hour cab ride through one of China’s biggest metropolises, paid for a bloody expensive hotel room and I am horny as fuck. Finally, I am one tiny bit away from what my second brain has commanded me to pursue. And all of a sudden, she changes her mind? Saying that I was infuriated would be a massive understatement. My dick was screaming in agony like Luke Skywalker hearing that Darth Vader was his father: “NOOOOOOOO!” – It is totally okay for me to feel that way.

What is not okay is to:

A) Give in to my urges and break her consent

B) Let her feel my disappointment

So, I did what I had to do and told her that it is okay and that we can either go to sleep or that she can leave if she feels more comfortable that way while being as friendly and caring as possible.

The point I am trying to make is that at no point does a woman owe a man anything. She can always say no even if you two are already fucking. ALWAYS. No exceptions. Also, it is our duty to be sensible to non-verbal cues. We need to know when she thinks 'no'.

Second, I take my time. Rule of thumb: If you think it is time to touch her vagina, wait at least another 15 minutes. It depends on the circumstances though. In some cases, a quick boom boom ciao does the trick, but that’s an exception.

Third, I care for her needs without demanding her to orgasm. It is not a secret that some women have a hard time with reaching the highest sphere, especially through vaginal stimulation alone. Ideally, I flush her gate before I lay the pipe. This is especially great if you are still anxious about your performance, despite me telling you otherwise.

If I had come without her orgasming, I would gather all my remaining willpower to resist a seemingly irresistible force. A force that hits me like a truck and undeniably demands me to melt into the mattress. While fighting the prolactin so eagerly released by my hypothalamus, I would carry on eating her out, fingering her or both.

If she does not twitch uncontrollably in bliss, it is okay. Amazing if she did. In any case, I want to make sure that she feels respected by me putting in the effort. I know that the amount of resilience it requires to keep going after a good nut is inhumane. It is well worth it for her and thus it is well worth it for me.

I usually spend the night as I like cuddling and I feel it is weird to leave right after as it makes it very transactional. Generally, I enjoy talking about very personal things even before sex. A casual sex partner can be such a wonderful valve for emotional distress. If done right, this scene is intimate and free of judgement. Both of us feel the freedom to be vulnerable in front of each other.

After

Unless agreed on otherwise, I practice aftercare. What does that mean? If she reaches out, I will be there. If she needs advice or help, I will support her. I want her to succeed and I do what I can, within reasonable limits, to empower her. I will make sure to let her know if I have reached my capacity.

You do not need to do this kind of stuff; however, ghosting is a big nope. If you do not feel like spending more time with her, taking the time and courage to politely inform her about your decision will make a big difference in how she thinks about you. I feel aftercare ensures that she does not feel being used and thrown away. It shows that I care about her and that way she will not feel exploited.

I will also never pressure, stalk, annoy or whatever her if I want to see her again and she is being unresponsive. My value does not depend on someone chasing me, but this is another topic, I guess.

The next time our dicks are telling us to get some pussy real quick, let us take a deep breath and think about whether we are able to provide a genuine experience for this person or if we would only end up being another regret.

To that we never do the Stag Beetle again (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XI8WU9ReFG0).

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tldr: ONS suck for women because they must invest more and have a lower average return. This can partly be constituted towards men prioritizing their own fun. You can make a difference by showing respect and prioritizing female joy. Never break consent. Ultimately, just behave like you would want your daughter to be treated like. Show her that she made a good choice with you, even if it was just for the night.

edit: formatting

I’m honestly tired of seeing NoFap being pushed as if it’s some scientifically proven lifestyle when it’s not. originally, this whole movement is American puritanical ideology repackaged for the internet, mixed with gym culture and pseudo-science buzzwords.

There is no solid scientific evidence that masturbation is inherently harmful, lowers testosterone long-term, ruins productivity, or “destroys the brain.” What NoFap does very well, though, is sound scientific, and that’s intentional.

To quote and paraphrase a very clear explanation I once read from a Danish bioscience graduate on Quora (because they put it perfectly):

“No.

It's made up nonsense.

They are using sciencebabble much like they do on Star Trek or Medical Mysteries shows.

And if they link to scientific papers, they have often found something that on the surface sounds like what they argue. But when you read the research, it will often tell a completely different story and conclusion. They hope that most people get lost in the scientific language.

It is old thoroughly refuted superstition and religion clerverly disguised with a mask of nonsense words and white doctor's suits. They know that many people now turn to science and away from religion, so they try to drag you in by using subterfuge.

It's usually Puritanical Christians and those who believe in Ayurvwda that will try to drag you in. Funnily in Islam they'll mostly tell you it's forbidden because you can only have sex with a spouse (and you are not married to your hands.) And Catholicism and Orthodox people will say it's because you shouldn't waste something that could be a child, though these days where we know that the womans egg is also important, they don't really bother much about it.

It's all religion.

Not science.”

That doesn’t mean compulsive behavior can’t be a problem. Addiction exists. But pathologizing a normal human behavior, encouraging guilt, tracking streaks, and framing relapse as moral failure is not science, it’s ideology.

If NoFap helps someone personally as a short break or self-control exercise, fine. But presenting it as biologically necessary, universally beneficial, or scientifically proven is misleading at best.

This isn’t anti-discipline.

It’s anti-bullshit.

Science supports moderation, mental health, and balance, not fear, shame, or internet purity movements.

and claiming it helps keep “balanced testosterone” bruh I do relapse regularly each week, I’m tall and I go to gym and have pretty good muscles. I don’t need to follow this propaganda to get better. Even me as an asexual (contrary to the common assumption) masturbation is still really helpful for me and I don’t even need lust while doing it (except sometimes I lust on myself lol)

or worse… that you can go ”blind” or even get acne while actually, opposite to their thinking, masturbation during puberty helps reduce pimples.

it even helps reducing risks of prostate cancer, and when you point this out to them they’ll go on spreading a rumor that porn companies “bribe” those medical and scientific articles stating this, while actually there is no proof at all that porn companies ever founded those studies, it’s just them acting like The Fox and the Grapes, they just want to cover the consequences of their illogical propaganda.

Here's the guide in question

Please let me know if you have any questions or suggestions!

I, a woman, like to hang out in various anti-misogyny subreddits. Here's an incomplete list of things I have been downvoted for in them:

• Saying porn does not create incels.

• Saying lack of sex ed, not porn itself, is why some people think porn is real.

• Saying I didn't think a person's misunderstanding of female anatomy originated from porn.

• Saying a female 18-year-old would most likely have completed puberty. No, I did not bring up the ethics of an 18-year-old having sex.

I hate this. I'd like to have a place where I can complain about misogyny without everyone jumping down my throat the moment I suggest maybe porn isn't literally Satan. Apparently said place does not exist.

I blame radfems. They have turned women's spaces into spaces where women feel unsafe for being comfortable with sexuality. Never going to forgive them for what they've done to the discourse surrounding gender and sex.

This is very important reading, because too many people just blindly believe that porn addiction is a thing, without evidence. Even on this subreddit.

My gf has problems with initiating or vocalising the things she wants to do. Shes kinda kinky and likes to try new things but gets overwhelmed by the all the posibilitys and heat of the moment. So i wrote down all the things i know she likes and made a card game out of it. Now the lead is shared and it makes things with me, when she draws a card she likes and blushes.