I've noticed that whenever I get genuinely obsessed with something, I can make ridiculous progress in a short time. I don't need discipline or motivation. I just WANT to do it. I can spend entire days doing something, and it feels like minutes. Even eating feels like an annoying interruption.

The problem is that I've never been able to trigger this intentionally. It always happened because of external circumstances.

A few examples:

Gaming: As a kid, I could grind for hours without getting bored. It was an escape, and I genuinely loved it.

Languages: I used to think I sucked at them compared to others. Then something clicked, I started seeing progress, and suddenly I became almost addicted to learning. I couldn't get enough of it.

Gym: I started going during a pretty shitty relationship. I was frustrated, unhappy with myself, and honestly wanted to suffer. I felt like I deserved it. I would literally walk into the gym looking forward to exhausting myself and being sore. Somehow, that unhealthy mindset turned into one of the healthiest habits of my life. I've been training for years now.

AI: More recently, I got the same feeling from experimenting with AI and researching random things. I can easily spend hours learning without noticing the time.

Here's the problem. Right now, my life is actually pretty good. I'm not depressed or unhappy. But I feel like I've lost that intense drive. Almost as if becoming emotionally healthy came at the cost of the mindset that pushed me to improve.

I want to learn new skills, get certifications, become really good at certain things. But knowing they'd benefit me doesn't make me WANT to do them. Instead, I come home from work and scroll.

I'm not looking for Pomodoro techniques or advice to just be disciplined. I've tried that.

I want that obsession back. The feeling where you wake up thinking about something and can't wait to get back to it.

Some of my biggest improvements came from frustration, insecurity, emotional pain, or discovering I was capable of something I thought I sucked at.

Part of me genuinely believes that hitting rock bottom and hating myself again could bring that drive back. But I don't want to have to make myself miserable just to become better.

Has anyone actually figured out how to trigger that kind of obsession on purpose, when your life is already fine?

Hi! So last night I (26F) told my partner (27M) I wanted to leave him. He tried to get me to stay and I freaked out and yelled at him until I was able to leave our home. I stayed at my mother's house, she doesn't know that I am not going back to my partner. I will tell her later tonight, I know she won't mind me moving back for a while until I get my life in order. I also quit my job and didn't clock in today. The reason I left my partner is because I was highly immature when we started dating, I was dating for fun and out of boredom. He is way more mature and ready than me, wants a marriage, a house and children. I realized now that I am not aligned with his views. It sucks that it took me 3 years of this relationship for me to understand that. I guess I was stuck in some type of arrested development and thought that relationships were just for dates and going to the movies and staying up late together. Well now I have my dose of real life. He's devastated. Alone.

Now with my job, I decided to quit since it was about 30 minutes away from home without traffic and an 1 hour and 30 minutes with traffic (which is 5 out 7 days of the week). I do not like traffic and having to set aside time of my day to get to my job. The job itself was a housekeeping job at a hotel. I wasn't meeting the quota for rooms per day. I was slow and always having to go back to rooms to fix things after my supervisor inspected them. Now I only was there for 2 months, it was my first housekeeping job so I could have improved with time but I just give up easily like with everything in my life. One of my biggest problems. I am avoidant, undisciplined and chaotic.

I wasn't always like this because I was able to finish a degree in 2021 for Veterinary Assistance. I just never found my passion for it and didnt pursue the career. I used to have friends in my classes but once we graduated we drifted apart. Now I am single, without friends and unemployed. I am in therapy but it's stagnant, progress is nonexistent. What am I missing? What can I do to improve?

My grandfather died recently and my dad has been really supportive of me lately. We learned after he died that he had Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He was very abusive to my dad when he was growing up. I’ve never beat someone with a belt or refused to pay for things including heating or told someone they weren’t smart enough for a profession. But I’m worried I have some subclinical narcissistic qualities.

I also have ADHD and some comorbidities. I’ve also been in competitive environments with high achievers. Intellectually I can usually keep up ok. But consistent effort is really hard, and in particular I struggle with long-term projects and staying optimistic.

I’ve noticed that in these environments there’s often excessive cheating and lying. I often get mad at the really shameless incidents especially when it’s by someone with a more prestigious degree. I did a master’s program and worked with PhDs and doctors. In undergrad, I figured that they would get weeded out eventually and didn’t really care if people cheated. But as I met more people further along in their education, I realized that there are a lot of duds.

And there’s a lot of weirdos who would risk their careers and marriages to hook up with girls in their 20s. And a lot of bullying. I had considered med school but didn’t want to be around people who were like this. So I didn’t take the MCAT or take a biochemistry course, which is a prerequisite.

At the same time, I’ve offloaded some writing to AI if it was something I believed wasn’t very high stakes and was on a time crunch - I wouldn’t do that in a group project or if it was intended to be in a journal because I don’t like screwing people over. I’ll say I worked “up to 35 hours per week” on a freelance gig when I probably average at less than 20. I’ve gotten five-finger discounts on trivial things like a bag of chips or a can of coffee from Walmart. I can also be mean to people when they’ve been overtly disrespectful several times.

So, I don’t usually misbehave if I can’t rationalize it. But I do misbehave, especially when someone else has done something worse to me. And I don’t volunteer or anything, though I signed up for a United Way account recently. I’m low-energy in general and have cried during/after shifts at non-sedentary jobs because I’m in too much pain. I broke one foot and sprained an ankle recently when trying to be more active.

I’m just hoping that a new job (tentative offer atp) helps me grow up a bit more. But is there anything else I should think about doing right now to be a little less shitty?

I have a bad habit of being extremely cold to people who’ve done me wrong, even if I understand where their anger is coming from. I’ve also used people’s guilt to get what I want and it’s eating at me just a little bit, especially because I knew my ways of being petty and getting a getback were…often worse.

My friend Tiffany rightfully tore me a new one about this, calling me a hypocrite and pleading me to tell these things to my therapist when I see them, and I will. But I think additional help would be nice.

i’ve been struggling for the past 5 years and anxiety and insomnia. the anxiety is solely career related. I got diagnosed with OCD recently and am trying to do ERP

My fear is that I’ll get fired. And then continue to get fired from all future jobs. I’ve been working for 1.5 yrs since graduating college. i almost never work a full 40 hours each week. I’m available those hours but not able to focus the full time, so I’m always scared Im not doing enough. my weekends are spent making up the time I wasn’t focused to make sure I don’t get fired (make sure i don’t miss/forget anything, double checking work, going over steps I took to complete a task to make sure there wasn’t a different solution that would be more optimal, etc) and I never ever feel okay. It’s like a constant cycle

I tried coming up with a worst case scenario plan if i continue to get fired and need to work as a lifeguard forever. i can’t accept it which is why I think i’m still on edge. it just feels out of control. i try to tell myself I deserve to be happy and enjoy my life and not think about work 24/7, but not working or tracking it just feels so scary and I then cannot sleep at night

I've never really felt like I fit into this world, and honestly, I've stopped trying to. Lately, I've been thinking about how I've been alive for almost 40 years, yet I can't remember ever truly feeling at peace.

I don't feel much joy in life anymore. But I would still like to experience some good things from now on. In whatever way I can, with my limitations, my struggles, and all my weirdness.

The problem is, doing this alone is incredibly hard.

I don't have people around me who understand me. I don't feel respected because I'm insecure and always seem to come across as weird. I don't feel like anyone loves me for who I am (although, to be honest, I'm not even sure I know who I am anymore).

I've been masking for so long that I've basically become a completely different person in real life. I constantly have to filter everything I do or say: "People might find this weird, so I shouldn't do it" or "I shouldn't say that." And even after all that filtering, I still can't seem to avoid looking weird.

I don't want to be ashamed of being weird anymore. I want to be whoever I truly am, without constantly trying to hide it. For the rest of my life, I want to do the things I enjoy, even if they're difficult for me. I don't want to spend all my time at home, sitting in front of my computer.

But I also need some help and support along the way.

Is there anyone in a similar situation who would like to take this journey together?

We could make yearly, monthly, weekly, or even daily plans. We could talk about our dreams, research things we want to learn, work on ourselves, and support each other along the way.

Let me share some of my goals.

My bigger dreams: (maybe I'll never achieve them, but that's okay)

• Go to university.

• Travel around the world.

• Be completely myself, without hiding my weirdness or feeling ashamed of it.

• Learn to love myself.

My smaller goals:

\- Eat healthier and exercise regularly.

\- Learn at least one new thing every day.

\- Read at least 10 pages every day.

\- Stop overthinking so much.

\- Go to the theatre once a month.

\- Visit a different place nearby once a month.

\- Work on things like self-confidence, self-respect, shame, feeling inferior, and anxiety.

\- Do daily exercises to help me learn to love myself.

\- Work on my jealousy towards people who seem to have better, happier lives.

\- Make neurodivergent friends who understand me.

\- Be more spiritual.

\- Maybe I'll think of more things along the way and add them to the list. I'm also open to your suggestions!

I'm writing all this today, but I honestly don't feel very hopeful. Still, I want to try.

I just can't seem to do it on my own. Loneliness is so difficult, and unfortunately, there are many days when I can't think about anything other than how lonely I feel.

If you're going through something similar and would like to try building a better life together, maybe we can be friends.

19M (turning 20), basically my teenage was not good emotional problems, isolation, loneliness, sell esteem issues and countless others things which i am too tired to tell now(all of this happened because i was bullied in school life, got influenced by wrong mindset and did some bad things unknowingly so i have a lot of unexplained things in my head). So basically i have been trying very much to get out of it, trying to recover from burnout in university life, watched too many things, read too many guides about being better and planned too much on being better but i still seemed stagnant in one place. i want to know how did people actually progress or start to be better in life overcoming their past, accepting their struggles and letting go and going with flow?

cuz the most random shit happens to me but i know it's annoying to be with someone who's always complaining. so how can i be better? i just somehow always have things to complain about (but i know everyone has problems but i just feel unlucky all the time bc the most random bullshit happens to me). for example, just yesterday, in the morning, my professor didn't let me take the exam because i was late for a couple seconds (i know this is my fault, but the professor was in a really bad mood and felt bad in the afternoon so thank god it was rescheduled, i was panicking the whole day and crying cuz it's 40% of my grade so i was complaining), this said exam was rescheduled right before my other exam so i had to run to my next exam (this professor didn't let me in the room so i really had a 0 on this one, although its just 10% of my grade but still... and he didn't accept my reasons), i had a white shirt and someone spilled coffee on me, hit every single red light that morning, i was stranded somewhere for more than 2 hours because i didnt have transportation (i usually book an uber and somehow no one was accepting), and a lot more stuff thart i have no control over or it's just because of my stupidity causing bullshit to happen

30F.

Although no one has ever said that to my face, I've been sensing my whole life that my social anxiety must come across as being aloof and harsh, and even rude, without me having any intentions to act rude, or harsh, or aloof.

The tragic and really annoying thing is that I know that deep inside I'm a kind, caring and loving person. I'm also an optimist, I like to spread positivity when the timing is right. I love to make people laugh. And I love getting to know people and getting interested in their lives and stories.

I'm beyond grateful that throughout my life I've met a handful of people who were willing to stick around with me for long enough to see the true, loving side of me. Once I know someone long enough, I begin to relax and trust them, my social anxiety fades, and my best traits finally come to the surface. But this typically takes about a year of knowing someone.

How do I work on this? How do I shorten the time it takes for someone to understand that I'm not aloof?

I'm aware that I do these in new social situations:

• My forehead frowns and I find it difficult to smile. I guess on the outside I look sad or angry. I get a sense that people view my facial expression as unwelcoming and perhaps arrogant, and often turn to a different person to talk to.

• I find it difficult to keep an eye contact for too long with strangers.

• My brain goes blank as my social anxiety pops in, and I can't find words to respond, sometimes to very simple and typical everyday life situations, such as a neighbor asking about something mundane.

• Sometimes if I do find words and hear myself back, in my head I'm like: Why did you say that, this was kinda dismissive...

• I generally tend to end the social interaction quickly, not because I don't have time for the other person, I'd actually love to continue, but because fear kicks in about how I'm going to screw up the interaction even more if I let it keep going. I guess this gives people an impression that I don't want to talk to them.

• I keep a closed and withdrawn body posture.

It's frustrating because this is not who I truly am 😔 TIA for any advice! 🙏🏻

For the past few months I have been going to sleep almost directly around 2 am

I'm in Hs, and try to, but when it becomes time to gts i've ended up scrolling on my phone and then when it finally gets to 2am, It just becomes that time Ig.

I don't even get tired at 2, it's just like I know i've been up far beyond what's acceptable and gts after some tossing and turning.

I make it through the school day easily and the tiredness doesn't hit untIl i'm home. i've genuinely stayed up, gotten home around 3 pm, and then sleep until 6-9pm. and I've done this many times back to back.

I tried taking 15 minute naps, js sleep for hours. So I even try to stay up, I think about the fact I had 4 hours of sleep, and stay up after school, and the rest of the day. Night time comes and i'm nowhere close to tired until 2 am again.

Ive tried to move my phone but it's like my mind becomes restless. I don't expect and magically answer but id just like some insight please

Lately social media has been eating away at my mental health and I keep overthinking why I’m letting something ridiculous ruin my mood but also I can’t stop. I keep comparing myself to my friends’ accounts and amount of comments they get to my posts. I used to get a lot like 15 and it made me feel good when something simple as emojis was commented. Now I get either 0 or 1 comment and it makes me feel like my post isn’t worthy. What’s worse is I’ll see a friend like my post but then I’ll see them comment on a mutual friend’s post. Like why couldn’t you do that for me. And it’s multiple people, like all my friends, sorority sisters, fellow club/e-board members. They comment for each other but not for me and I hate it. And I can’t bring it up to them like “why did you comment on our friend’s post but not mine” because it’s childish. I also know I should step away from my social media but I attend professional school and already feel disconnected from people’s life back home and at school and it helps me know what people are up to. Like friends getting married or being pregnant or birthdays. So what do I do

I'm nearly 31 and have nothing to show for my life.

I have pretty much wasted my early adulthood, and really struggle to see myself turning things around. Logically, I know it's possible but it all just feels so far from where I am now that it's hard to really see it become a reality.

It's not like I can even really say that I have this trail of failures, relationships, and just general life experiences behind me that I can draw from. I truly feel like I'm pretty much starting from nothing. I've never really had any close friendships, never dated, never really held consistent employment so I barely even have a resume to try and use, and can honestly not remember ever really feeling truly happy or content with life. One thing I can feel good about is the fact I managed to graduate university at one point, but I never managed to do anything with it and am just left with the debt hanging over my head.

I want to try and change things, but it all feels like so much. Dealing with the complete lack of self-esteem, having no confidence, social anxiety, seeing myself as a lesser person because of where I'm at in life all while trying to figure out what to do in terms of career, catching up in savings and what not. Then there's balancing all that while trying to make up for everything I've missed over the past 13 or so years.

I am medicated, but haven't really found anything that leaves me feeling better than a steady 3-4/10, so I don't really see that changing until things actually start looking better for me.

What advice would you give to someone trying to overcome these things?

Hello everyone.

I am 28M , and I have been working as a Software Engineer from past 2 years in a Work From Home setup. I feel like I have deteriorated myself to an exempt where it seems unrecoverable. I used to have a thing for making electronic music, but now it feels like it stays in my thoughts only, and I am not able to take action. It daily feels like I have went into an auto pilot mode.

I have been struggling from past 2-3 years to get myself to make music, or to force my mind for continuous learning in Tech field for my career and personal growth. I usually allot my night time ( after 10pm ) for my music hobby, but I always end up either watching YouTube/Netflix or doom scrolling, and put the music to next day. This just keeps on happening.

Being in a WFH setup, I have observed, I have been quite alone, I don't have any friends in my locality. My only friends were the people from last job, and we kind of meet once in 6 months. I don't have anyone to talk about these problems with anyone except AI , but I am kind of done with it. I have tried talking to my ex-colleague friends , but it feels like I am putting my emotional baggage on them and have felt avoidance from their end. Communication wise it has been really difficult to express myself to someone being in that isolated environment.

Last night, I had a great cry session, where I literally talked out loud to myself, that where is that version of myself lost, who was curious about things, who spent hours on music and reading documentation of tech frameworks, but now it's all lost. I have been trying to start small, but I guess it feels like there is no meaningful addition of that small step and resorting to binging Netflix, eating snacks and sodas seem much enjoyable. I think I blame AI as well , for making me this numb mentally ( AI gave me this term - cognitive disengagement ) that I am no longer curious about a lot of things, not able to focus on things that mattered and always looking for the easy path in everything , lacking actions and expecting good outcomes in small efforts. Last night, I decided I will post here to get some advice or at least get someone to talk to me about this.

I have even tried to talk to myself that maybe I am no longer interested in making music and I should just let it go, but maybe a week into this decision , I come running back that no , this is what I love and I can't let this go.

Please help me out with your precious advice, suggestions , if anyone have been in this spot and if anything has worked out for you. I thank you in advance.

For the longest time I have been insecure about my body. I'm 27 but still act like a child because I haven't resolved my issues and trauma. All my life I was the kid people always ask 'Are you a boy or a girl?' to. And all I ever wanted was to be feminine and not be asked that.

Because of all this my only source of validation became external. If I wanted to feel good about myself. Someone I liked had to tell me that i look okay or that they have to like me. So friendship is one relationship I became obsessive over. Because I'm too invested I'm also afraid that people will leave. Gave me extremely bad attachment issues. Until eventually I really did lose all my friends.

I realise that it's probably my last chance to fix myself. I might be too old already. Everyone has a community and friends and family they can fall back on . It needs to start everything from scratch again. Somehow fix myself enough to likemyself. Somehow learn to be a better friend. I don't think I can unburn bridges I burnt myself. I'm not sure if incan ever find friends and a community again.

I don't know if I can ever regain my sense of identity. I cannot tell which of my interests and personality is mine.

I'll try slow. No excuses but everytime I begin . I give up. So that's another reason and i procrastinate or cannot concentrate and cannot fix myself.

My sadness overwhelms me and makes me a different person with no personality and no reason for anyone to like me.

I need to validate myself. But it's extremely hard.

(i’m keeping specific details vague to keep the privacy of mine and the person i’m mentioning. i don’t have a reddit account not linked to me that passes the karma requirements).

So I’m in my early 20s. There’s someone I know who’s a few years younger than me. I make $14/hour at my full-time retail job. They make about $60k a year at their job. I don’t know what career I want to do. They’ve already got a career figured out. I live with my parents. They’ve already moved out. I don’t have a significant other. They’re already engaged. I’m shy and keep to myself. They’re sociable and open.

They have everything that I don’t. And it makes me so envious because I feel so behind in my life compared to theirs. They’re already so ahead of me and I can’t even figure my life out.

They already have the life I’ve always dreamed of. All I do is work, play video games, draw, make a few content here and there for my YouTube and Tiktok page with a following of 1k+, and sleep.

It also doesn’t help that they get so much attention from other people I know. They always say how sweet and kind they are. Nobody within our circle has ever said and done the same to me. They’re the favorite of everyone. The ray of sunshine. They have so much charm in their personality.

I can’t even see them anymore without feeling resentful of them. My jealousy of them is affecting my life. I feel so insecure of myself. I don’t want to keep feeling like this but I don’t know how to change myself. I want to be like them, but I know I can’t because I have a different personality than them. I just can’t stand the fact that I am not like them.

im 18F turning 19 in a few months and ive essentially spent the last 5 years on autopilot and rotting away. i need to rebuild myself as a person. i really have to or i feel i will genuinely take myself out of this life.

ill put this into sections to hopefully make this more readable :

-general context of my situation

-my goals + how to approach them

-my concerns and anxieties

general context

im in university currently studying a prestigious degree and people may look at that and think “oh shes so smart” but honestly i dont know how i got into uni with how dumb i am right now. I truely believe i just managed to get through due to my strong memorisation skills.

my problem is i faced an eating disorder and struggled mentally since i was 13. but i would upon reflection that say this was mostly self inflicted, it was due to poor decisions i made when i was younger and now the consequences are affecting me today as an adult. i didnt want help in my younger years as i was chasing a goal ( that i would never even reach ). things didn’t have to be this way. i am well off, i have family who supports me. All of this was for nothing essentially. i was just a stupid teen who has fucked herself up, created problems for herself for no reason. im still struggling with ed behaviours but i am getting help. The problem is how this now affects me as a whole

This made me miss out on key experiences and developmental stages that now has left me stunted.

I have no personality. I am quite boring. Im still trying to rebuild my interests in topics instead of doomscrolling all the time or daydreaming about a better life. my analytical and critical thinking skills are poor. i find that when i watch media i struggle to properly analyse or form an opinion and then also engage in conversations around that media if i havent watched a video essay on it (hence i would’ve memorised points from that essay and regurgitated them in the conversation ). i know how to have a conversation but i often do not know what to talk about. i always ask questions but i often dont have my own things to say. This often leads to the conversation dying out. When it comes to deeper topics i dont know how to engage. i feel as if this is due to lack of analytical skills and my own research into topics. just overall if im presented with new material in a conversation i cant really be analytical and form an opinion. this is also a reason why i am struggling to make friends in university. i also question how i even made friends i have (not from university) in the past because often today i dont know how to engage in conversation with them past small talk

this may be related to my difficulties i had in more creative subjects where the answer isnt clear cut and takes more analytical skills ( like reading a passage, deriving the authors intent, complex character analysis). i also struggle with project work where reading a passage, analysis and explanation is required. all my skill has gone into being an efficient memoriser over actually THINKING

i am very uneducated in politics. i dont know how to engage in political conversations or how to even base my viewpoints i just end up agreeing with the person or saying that i dont know.

just overall i feel very dumb and i just cant engage in anything past having to memorise facts or topics. i cant have a conversation past small talk anymore.

i have a huge problem with procrastinating. i spend time daydreaming of acheiving goals and a better life without actually working towards it.

from an objective lenses, with the traits i am displaying right now Im just very stupid but i know i can become better. i wish i had handled this earlier.

my goals + how to approach them

i want to be able to be more analytical when it comes to pieces of media. whether it be books i read, shows i watch etc i want to be able to form justified opinions and be able to have critical deep discussions about the themes and takeaways of the media without having to rely on memorisation of someone elses analysis. and i want this to come easily to me.

i want to be able to engage in deeper philosophical conversations and give my own contributions and actually have MY OWN opinions on things.

I want to become more politically educated. i
know NOTHING right now.

I just want to become more interesting overall and understand myself better and who i actually am given that these past 5 years ive just been rotting away with this eating disorder.

My concerns are with how to effectively start. i often find myself procrastinating with working towards these goals as im not sure how best to start taking action. i find myself looking on tiktok with “ how to become more analytical. how to become more politically intelligent. how to rebuild your personality” and the. its like i dont know which is the perfect guide to use or the most effective one.

for example with the politics ive seen a book recommendation on tiktok but how do i know thats the most effective way to start ?

im not looking for a perfect guide but i just dont want to find that ive been wasting time on sources that wont help me.

currently i have started with watching shows ive heard others watch just to build my interest. i try to write down what i think about the themes and characters (even though my explanations are underdeveloped )

im reading a philosophical book “existentialism and humanism” by jean paul sartre even though im kind of struggling to get through and understand because its been so long since ive read and properly engaged my brain. its even supposed to be an easy introduction to philosophy and easy to understand but im struggling. i also want to make sure that i am taking away the right message from it.

i frequently go to societies at uni to try help find friends and strengthen my social skills (and also so i dont feel so isolated)

concerns

my concerns are with how long itll take to rebuild myself.

uni is like the biggest opportunity in life youll have to make friends and build connections and be “free” and find people with similar interests

i dont even know my interests myself. i dont know who i am. so its like im wasting my time here. ill never have this opportunity again where i am in a space with such a variety of people to freely interact with. im now having to use this time to go through development that people went through in their early teens.

also relationship wise. i know this is the last of my concerns but it still hurts me. ive never had a bf before or any real romantic interaction. i really want to have a connection with someone on a romantic level but how can i even get there when i dont even know myself or my interests or what even to talk about. i just see my peers and how they are able to click with someone and have endless conversations and i want to be like that. i want to be able to have someone who i can just connect with so well.

i do feel like im running out of time and that its now guaranteed that ill never experience teenage love because of the state i am in now as an undeveloped person. but i know that i just have to accept that.

ive often wanted to just take myself out of this world because i feel too far gone, so stupid beyond repair and so burdened by regrets knowing that life couldve been SO SO much better if not for my past decisions. i couldve had connections, properly developed interests, romantic experiences and even just looked psychically better. i had everything set up for me to be great and i ruined it at the age of 13. even i have concerns with how ill explain to people WHY i didnt experience normal milestones in my teenage years, or why my mental health was so bad because this was genuinely self inflicted. i cant change the past and i cant remove myself from this world unfortunately so i just have to better myself. my regrets still greatly burden me but i must move on. i acknowledge my past faults and now i want to improve and actually utilise the resources i have.

in summary i just want to know how best to improve without wasting time.

this was probably not very concise and its like 3am but i hope i got my point across. i want to be better. i want to forget my past and move on. i want to hopefully set myself up to having a good 20s

Over the last couple of years, I have become a little bitter, negative, overall lost my sense of light. I wonder if we all feel this way

I will attempt to regain this to spread it in the world. I’m going to do my best to lead with empathy.

I’ve always been a lone wolf somewhat. Much more now in my 30th year.

I have a small group of friends but I spend the majority of my time alone chasing my dream which is music. But in my solitude am I missing out on life?

The majority of my time is spent chasing my dreams alone and I tell myself that’s more important than any socialising. Being alone has genuinely made me know myself and become a much more confident person.

However I have often felt in this life that I am no one’s first person to call. I’ve always been the backup who everyone likes but rarely the go to. At least up to this point in life I had one best friend and we were inseparable, a very deep friendship. Soul tied if you will. But we drifted and since then connections feel more shallow. I am someone who needs deep connection and I’ve struggled to find it since.

Maybe the solitude has just become less painful? I always have to be the one to message people to make plans and they rarely come to me. So maybe just loving myself felt like enough? Maybe I’m just spending more time alone because the connections I crave with people are no longer fulfilling like that friendship I had? They feel empty.

I consider myself a very real and honest person and I think most people just want to be around fun in this life, I get it. I just wonder if there are people like me out there that I should still me making an effort to connect with instead of just chasing my music dream and feeling my life will work out after that. I am just putting life on hold till that becomes a reality somewhat perhaps.

I’m conflicted as I enjoy the process and love chasing the dream, but at the same point I am not having much human connection along the way. It’s just increasingly hard to find the right human connection these days, and here lies my issue with pushing to find it.

In short: i’m rude, mean spirited, have an ego, have not enough empathy, make things about myself too much, act like everyone else is stupid, i’m petty, i pity myself too much, i don’t know when to stop, i give unwanted advice, i could probably go on but im choosing to leave it there. I say none of those things to make people feel bad about my self esteem, we’ve already established I have an ego problem.

I don’t like being like this, and every time i think i’ve made progress i screw it up again. i don’t want to be a person everyone hates being around, i don’t want people to dread when they hear im coming. i don’t really have friends or a way to make them at the moment, but i am in therapy, not really for the awful person issue though just personal stuff.

it’s my relationship with my siblings and family that bother me the most. my family loves me but they don’t like me and i don’t know how to work towards changing that

What healthy ways do you manage your stress? I’m exiting one stressful season and am hoping to be able to fair better in the future seasons as I will have a lot of stress on my plate with school. What are you best methods for releasing stress? Do you have any tips or mantras you go by?

What if moving away from the multiple sources isn’t an option?

What if financially in 2 years it’s cost me 5k at most
What if I’m now using 2-3 bags a day ?

I know you read that amount thinking how shit the coke must be to be able to do that much, but it’s not, I see the shit come of bricks. Watch people get High on a pinky nail size hit, just like I use to. I now need 1/2 a bag within the first 10 mins of waking otherwise I’m out cold

I want to quit
I want my life back and to feel normal

I went from being a professional athlete with national title wins to this …

My career was put on hold, suspended from work being investigated for 3 months. I turned to drugs, never had I used before. All for the end result to be proven innocent of my alleged doings leading to the suspension. My work said sorry. Fking sorry. I ended up on painkiller, coke, ket, dropped 15kg and was / still is severely underweight.

I use to go to bed at 8pm up at 3am for the gym, drinking 3L water a day, count my cals, live and breath health over the top kinda shit. Now this

I know I need to just rot in bed for over a week. I’ve done it before leading to 16-17 hrs a day of sleep for 9 days. But the next day I was able to function some what again , I needed to feel something so straight back I went

I went to drug and alcohol, stopped drinking, stopped the ket and went on an injection for 6 months for the pain killers and it was all easy to do.

But coke, wtf. How do I do this, without sleeping that much, I can afford a good 8-10 hours sleep at night. But during the day I’m not getting 6-7 hours sleep there is no way I can afford that. Maybe an hour nap, but otherwise not possible.

This all sounds ridiculous and easy to say just sleep for 2 weeks. I can’t, I need to work. I also need to prepare for after.

If you made it this far, any advice I’ll take. Anything… please

I feel hopeless

I’ve been lost since high school was always very ambitious but never really took any action and eventually just went through the motions completed university cause didn’t know what else to do. dreams faded away was depressed didn’t find any decent job after university ended up doing odd blue collar jobs on and off for years escaping and running away from people I know out of embarrassment. I was never one to ask for help I just can’t still can’t. In everyone’s mind I’m doing great and they think I’m going to achieve something still. I just end up bottling it up not telling anyone much other than all is good I got it. No one in my life truly knows me. I’m bad at sharing real details and emotions fact is right now at 27 im no further ahead than I was at 18. Don’t want to go build a career now in fact I never did. It always felt like if I went down that path I’ll miss out on the possibility to become who I always wanted to be. Now it’s at a point where it’s either follow the life long ambition of doing my own thing achieving something big or simply some labour intensive work for life. Only pain with the latter isi really wanted to retire my parents they’ve been working so long without break and me being the only son turned out to be such a colossal failure. I’m still caught in the dream of doing something big running away travelling to different places to start something but reality is idk what I can do. There’s no one to follow or look up to I’m just hiding away living alone.

Partner of 3 years broke up with me because I periodically have some crisis in which I want to totally change my life (move, change carreer ecc) and then few days later I give up and come back to my normal. I 100% understand them, nobody wants to be with someone who could change ideas so quickly.

They told me they want to talk about it better because they broke up in a not very nice way that doesn’t give justice to our 3 years.

I want to use this time to become a better person, of couse it’s not just to get them back, if they are happy this way I’m happy for them. I just want to become a better person and learn something from this breakup.

I’m already in therapy

edit: It’s like i reget every choice i make because because i instantly think about what could have happened the other way and every decision i make lets me unsatisfied

.. deep down you just know every day, that you do not believe in yourself making it.

Every day I try my hardest to lose weight, to reach my goal as an author but every day I wake up and its a fight to get out of bed. It feels pointless because deep down I just dont believe Im gonna make it. Ive failed so often that I cant even count the times Ive tried. It feels like my identity is "trying" but it feels hollow. This combined with how much this actually means to me, is a very weird mixture of guaranteed failure.

How do I actually believe?

I grew up poor and in pretty bad health, and as a result I've always had an incessant drive to get all my ducks in a row ASAP, at the cost of essentially everything else in my life. I'm glad to say that things have paid off; my health is as stable as it can be, and I've been offered a PhD studentship in a field I genuinely care about, with an industry partner that often hires students they've funded straight out of graduation. I'm aware that the course is going to be a lot of work, but the uncertainty and "what if"'s in regards to my future have been lifted, and for that I'm very grateful.

With that being said, I think it's time for me to start considering aspects of life other than attaining security. It feels like I've engineered a life instead of having lived one. Academics and prospects are great, but I'm 22 with basically no hobbies, eroded social skills (autism), few close friendships (none of whom live close to me), no romantic experience, not many life skills outside of those which have allowed me to live healthily and frugally, and I've never spent a significant amount of time anywhere other than my home town and university campus.

I've been taking baby steps as to hobbies: I've picked up leisure reading, going on walks, and cooking things other than the same batch-cooked meal prep I've done for the last 5 years, and that's been great! I just don't really know where to go or what to do next. I don't actually start the PhD until next year, so I'm going to be quite tight on money until then, but I'm open to suggestions for both then and now. Many thanks.