Let’s go back to my adolescent years. Due to the bullying and mind games that I endured in middle school, I didn’t think I’d ever have a boyfriend. I associated having a boyfriend with normalcy. I remember being asked out as a joke, hearing “Moose!” Yelled at me when I passed through the hall. There have been quite a few occasions when kids would yell “Hey (my name), this guy likes you!” The guy they were pointing at would yell “Nobody likes you, ugly @$$ b!🤬🤬🤬!” There was even one time a guy had asked me out because his friends paid him $5. It was the summer of 2007 when I got my first real boyfriend, I was 16. He and I met at church because he was visiting his aunt and uncle who attended the same church as me. We’d talk on the phone a lot and sit together and hold hands at church or church functions. When summer ended, he went back home out of state. We would call during the weekend and I wrote letters, weekly. He’d come back during the summer. We went on double dates with his cousin and her boyfriend (now husband). We went on our first date at the movies. This went on until he moved up here for his senior year. Before Thanksgiving break, he broke up with me. After high school I dated this guy who was trash-aged out of Juvie trash, but I gave him a chance anyway-big mistake. He would be in and out of prison, beg me for money, disrespect me and call me out of name, allowed his stupid friends to do the same, cheat on me, borrow my car, left an item in my car that could’ve gotten me in serious trouble, coerced me into “things”-even when I was sick. It took one frightening night for me to finally leave him. The guy after that was just an idiot. He cheated on me and was acting like I was wrong for being upset. The next guy I dated was full of it. He seemed sweet and it looked like he was trying to get himself together, but he was toying with me. He, a Samoan, claimed that his grandmother didn’t want him dating someone who wasn’t also Samoan (I’m black). He broke up with me over the phone while his cousins were laughing at me in the background. A few weeks later I get harassed and threatened over the phone by his ex girlfriend and his cousins over a lie. (Another bullet dodged, Sheesh!) Some time later, I date another guy who is a manager of a McDonald’s. He seemed sweet, ambitious, hardworking, but he was always busy. He seemed to have time for everything and everyone else but me. Being naive as I was, I tried to be understanding. I’d visit him at work, bring him flowers, bake cakes and pies for him, like I was a silly housewife. One day I saw on his social media that he was married and there was a picture with a band on his finger. I left an angry voicemail. I tried to visit him at work and talk things through, but he went to the back and yelled “Tell her to f🤬🤬king go!” It broke my heart. Years later, I would endure a toxic relationship, but I wised up and left before things got worse. I actually have an old journal entry from when I was in that relationship. It’s from 2020.
[I’m not happy in my relationship, but I need to make this work. How?
My boyfriend, let’s call him Daemon, and I only started dating 5 months ago. We started as friends and coworkers back in 2017. I found him to be loquacious and he has a dark sense of humor, but very smart and makes stimulating conversations. I tolerated some of his shenanigans at work but then he starts asking me to hang out with him outside of work. I didn’t think much of it, because I didn’t have any friends and it would be nice to hang out with someone besides my mom, grand aunt, and cousins. Then he started inviting himself come to geek gatherings and conventions with me. Again, I didn’t think much of it to bring him along, but he was so damn talkative, the entire drive and always followed me everywhere-even when I dropped hints that I wanted to wander about on my own and go to certain panels. He took me to one of his friends’ houses. I went to the car, quietly came back and heard them talking. I had found out that he liked me. I didn’t like him that way, but I wanted to dance away from the issue and act like I didn’t hear them and closed the door back. He asked me the next day if I liked him back and I said only as a friend. I thought we were done with it but I was wrong.
Since then he would cuddle me, kiss me on the cheek, hold my hand, walk close to me in public, and if I resisted he would start acting apathetic, say that I was “in a mood” or “having an attitude”, or brush it off and say “you enjoy it.” I don’t even like going to his house or to the movies with him because he keeps putting his arm around me and putting the armrest up so he can move closer. Though if I tell him that I’m not feeling well, he’ll back off, but I can only play sick for so many times. There had been times when he would come over for and celebrate the holidays with me and my family ( I live with my mother and other guests would come over) when the day is over with and I tell him that it’s time to go, he starts acting funny and asking why am I in such a rush to get rid of him. When I say that I’m not and that I’m tired, he says I’m having an attitude with him. We get into a small argument and he leaves. Then I’m left wondering what I did wrong. For some reason, he likes for us to hang out at HIS place instead of mine most of the time. There had been another incident when he and I went out with a friend of his and his wife. His friend jokingly asked when Daemon and I would get married. I said that we weren’t anything like that and I saw him like another sibling. He started to behave apathetically, again. Other times, we’d get along, go to the park, and talk on the phone like normal friends, though it consists of him doing most of the talking and about the same things.
This goes on until 5 months ago when I finally agreed to date him. He was still good to me and I felt like I owed it to him to at least try and see how things went. He calls me his “ray of sunshine” or “his favorite person.” However, the moment I agreed to date him, I had a bad feeling in my stomach. I’m not happy in my relationship. He’s pretentious argumentative, arrogant, most likely a misogynist, makes excuses for the dumbest things, I think he’s gaslighted me from time to time, but I can’t tell, and he tends to make something out of nothing. I still don’t even like for him to kiss me or cuddle me. A woman ought to feel safe or content in a man’s arms, but I feel trapped and smothered-as if I’m being held hostage. I could be talking about something that I like and he would randomly interrupt me and say “relax” or “calm down”. He recently did just that. We were in a Barnes and Noble, I was talking about manga and anime and he interrupts me and says “relax” as he unzips my coat. I’m forced to endure his manosphere/red pill-fueled political tirades. I’m right-leaning myself, almost to the point where I’m practically a conservative, but DAMMIT SHUT UP AND LET ME RELAX AND WATCH TV. He even lectures me sometimes when I don’t agree on something. I find myself agreeing with him just to keep the peace and hopefully to shut him up. He’s even tried to get me to watch certain red-pill, men’s rights, anti-religion (I’m Christian, he’s Atheist), and MGTOW videos. I can’t wait to get away from him, because it’s so exhausting and miserable being around him. He’s even grabbed and squeezed my arm during an argument once and shifted all the blame on me, even when I admitted my fault. I feel as though I let my dumb weak-willed self get strong-armed into this friendship and relationship. Yet, I’m trying to make it work because he really likes me, treated me well, I have very few friends, and this may be as good as it gets for me. I’m too old (30 in April), fat, and homely be picky and don’t have that many options. Think of Princess Fiona in her ogre form, but with a tan, Afro hair, glasses, and acne scars, about to reach spinsterhood. Maybe if I keep him happy, eventually I’ll learn to get used to the bad in him, focus on the good in him, he’ll stop the mind games, and I’ll be content.
I also worry that my childish romantic fantasies of what I think happy and healthy relationships are, also contribute to my dissatisfaction. I always used to, and still do, daydream about dancing, skating, walking around a big mall while holding hands, riding the Ferris wheel at night , playing and walking on a beach, and/or sharing a milkshake like in those old comics like Archie or Lil Abner or those vintage Coke ads, with some unattainable dreamboat like Charles Melton, Bruno Mars, Jay Park, or Pierre XO. I’d feel this lightness in my chest, I’d be glowing, and I’d hear chimes. He’d listen to me talk about things that I like and won’t cut me off and start going on about guns, cars, his computer, or more red-pill garbage. He’d be level-headed, compassionate, and would respect my beliefs. I know it’s stupid and juvenescent to think that an aging ogress like me can have that. I really need to make this work. How do I learn to be content with what I have and learn to love Daemon like he loves me?]
Don’t worry, we broke up a few weeks after that entry was written. Honestly, even before I agreed to date him, I felt like I was dealing with a mild version of Bishop from the film “Juice.” My love life has been pathetic. Top that off with finding out my special friend and crush is married and he didn’t even have the decency or sense to say anything when I told him that I had special feelings for him. I wound up finding out, recently when I was at the skating rink with my mom. Turns out they know each other the military and my mom mentioned HIS WIFE, who goes to her church. I never knew. He never even wore a ring. I’m horsing around with him, making a fool of myself, trying to be content with the fact that he might not have reciprocated what I felt for him and being just friends, and the whole time HE WAS MARRIED. I would’ve backed off a while ago, if I knew. I can’t look at him the same way. I’ll continue being friendly and polite, because we’re in a video game club together, my mom knows his wife, and I want to keep the peace, but I can’t look at him the same way. I can handle not having my feelings reciprocated-I’ve had years of experience with accepting rejection and I’m not owed reciprocation of my feelings. The problem is that if he didn’t disclose that he was married six years ago, when I told him that I liked him and ghosted me for months after I sent him a text message explaining my feelings. I nearly drove myself crazy with mental gymnastics, thinking I was the problem. Oh, and I’ve recently started questioning my sexual orientation after a “reawakening” of sorts, during a vacation.