Growing up in the States, I had no idea about Indian politics and could not care.

I come from a Nepalese family. I initially grew up in a predominantly white neighborhood. There were only 5 brown kids at school.

In the 11th grade, we had to move across the country and my new schools had a larger Indian community. I noticed a bunch of them were members of the Republican club at school and were right leaning. I found it a bit odd for people living in a democratic state and city to lean right.

I learned much later (during grad school), that India has a far right movement and this ideology is popular among some people who have been living in the US as well.

Can someone tell me more about these views and if it’s almost always true that republican voting Indians also align with right wing politics in India?

I realize I do and I need to work around it. It's just hard. Between the fact that I was bullied, nearly forced to join a gang or mocked by many of my south asian female classmates makes me very distrustful of other south asians.

I've lived in Canada and Australia for nearly my whole life and it's really effected me.

It's toughened me up but it's also made me super cynical. I have very difficult times actually relating to a lot of south asians or forming a comaderie because I'm always expecting a stab in the back.

Am I the only dark skin south indian girl who feels some sort of way after watching tamil movies? There are so many jokes at the cost of dark skinned indian girls in tamil movies that have made me feel awful. Ex(Vivek in Sivaji and even in Beast when some guy told vijay that the wedding he's going to has many north indian women- we all know what this implies).

Don't get me started on our industry's constant need to cast light skinned south indians, north indians, and even white women as heroines instead of choosing women that represent the actual majority of indian women in the south. Fortunately for the men, they are accurately represented as most south indian men are darker skinned and so are the actors.

It's sad how hollywood has become way more accepting of darker skinned indian women than India.

I highly doubt things will ever change unfortunately, this will lead to most south indian women feeling inferior/less than.

Despite my love for tamil films, I've slowly started distancing myself from the media for that purpose. I will always love my tamil jams tho.

I hate being stuck with my family at this stage and never having autonomy over my life. Plus having a disability really hampered with my overall personal growth. I don’t have drivers license and I became so used to being infantalized. I would appreciate it if someone here can help me find ways to become independent because I am afraid that I will never become an independent girl that I want to be.

This is a throwaway account. I'm embarrassed of the person I've become as a result of my childhood trauma. I'm 100% responsible for myself & my healing but really need support right now.

I'm 28/F, first gen South Asian American. I'm still living and working from home. I have a 32 y/o brother. My dad (67) is more easy-going, still conservative, but he does enable my mom (64), who has Borderline Personality (BPD), or at least traits.

It is VERY difficult to talk to her because everything is somehow a threat to her existence. She will have "episodes" when something triggers her. It is embarrassing, she is loud, and the entire neighborhood can hear her (we live in a predominantly white suburban neighborhood). But the next day... it's all sunshine and rainbows so I think I'm "safe" and nothing's wrong. But the cycle starts again.

I was sheltered from a young age. I was numb for many years. I've realized that I've had serious childhood trauma; I'm conflict avoidant, developed generalized anxiety disorder, and I've been stuck in the cycle of abuse.

I lied to my parents a lot after I turned 18 because it was easier. I had a full time job, attended college, met tons of new friends, dated, and experienced a lot of things that I don't regret. Basically living 2 lives.

I've been dating my SO (28/M/Half Mexican/Caucasian) for nearly 6 years. He met my parents two years into our relationship, my dad was very open to it but my mom STILL denies that he is my boyfriend. I invited him to lunch once, and she made us food and didn't eat with us (her excuse was that she wasn't hungry), so my SO and I ate alone at the table. I lie when I go out to see him or stay the night because she straight up denies my relationship with him. If I correct her, she just keeps repeating herself until she becomes visibly upset. Meanwhile, she is giving my older brother relationship advice on girls and he's allowed to openly have conversations with her about girls...who aren't Indian.

This is embarrassing to admit but I still lie to my parents every time I go see him. It's just...easier. I selfishly protected my emotions and dug a hole too deep. If I tell the truth about where I'm going, I'm met with a screaming match and it's just embarrassing to watch my mom have a child-like fit. I spend the nights with my SO on the weekends and I lie and say I'm with a girl friend.

I haven't told my parents this, but I want to move out with my SO into an apartment. No, my SO is not pressuring me to move in with him. I want to move in with him, because it's been 6 years, and I need to move away for the sake of my mental health. I gain nothing from living at home; my parents argue almost every night and I am subjected to lock myself in my room to shut them out.

My parents will be against me moving in with him. They have very strong, negative opinions around:

• Renting (I've been house hunting but the market is terrible right now). My salary is competitive and I can continue to save up while paying half rent.

• Moving into a 1 bedroom, together, before marriage.

Like why the fuck do I care what my parents think!? I'm tired of making every decision in my life with "but what will my parents think of me..." lingering in my head. I'm choosing to be a prisoner in this house and it's really sad. I can move away at any time but I'm so scared of what my parents will THINK. What the FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS CULTURE.

I HAVE to move out for my mental health. I've literally lived in the same bedroom my whole life. I also work from home...in the same bedroom. I'm afraid of my mom's reaction, which will be bad, loud, and trigger my anxiety.

I just need advice :(

The model minority Indian stereotype is that we have a strong work ethic. But I was raised by parents who have no work ethic.

My mom has never had a career. By choice. She also didn't really take care of the house - I did most of the chores when I got home from school and we ate canned and packaged food most of the time. She just watched TV - now it's youtube.

She always lectured me on how immoral it was for women to work. I had friends growing up whose moms worked and my mom called their families disgusting and dysfunctional. Ironic, given the child abuse that was condoned by my family.

5 years ago she started working some odd jobs. Never more than 15 hours a week. She keeps telling me how haaaaard it is to work. lmao. She says shit like "If I don't show up, I don't get paid!" Yeah, that's how a fucking job works, dumbass.

She also lectures me on how she has "so much work experience" and one day I will understand. I have 7 years of experience and she has 5, mine is full time and hers is not, so no, she doesn't have a lot of experience actually working. She has a lot of experience sitting on the couch watching the idiot box - which is not the same as working.

At one point she actually got fired from a previous job because her boss hired a 30 year old and she told her boss "don't hire that kid. She has no experience". The 30 year old had almost a decade of experience and at that time my mom had 3 years of experience, but she still lectured the 30 year old constantly until she (my mom) got fired.

My dad also got fired for harassing his coworkers - by his own admission. He was proud of it.

When I was 19 on a trip to India my uncle molested me. No one in my family knows about what happened but I did tell a few close friends. I saw a counsellor when I came back but found the experience very bad because they did not understand the cultural side of things. They also were not able to recommend me any culturally specific counselling so I very much feel like the mental health system in my country failed me.

I haven't seen this uncle in almost 10 years because we live in different countries. But I will have to face him very soon. My cousin who is his daughter is getting married and she invited me to her wedding. I came very close to not going because of my uncle but I decided that I shouldn't let him rob me of my culture and seeing my family. However this time I am bringing my boyfriend with me. My boyfriend knows about what happened and he knows not to leave me alone with him. We are also staying in separate accomodation so we can come and go on our terms.

I haven't told my parents because I'm not confident they will support me. My uncle is a very well respected person and he's my dad's brother.

I've been debating whether I should use the trip to tell someone in my extended family about what happened. I haven't told his daughter because I didn't want to ruin her wedding. But I've been debating whether to tell his wife (my aunt). Was thinking of leaving her a letter somehow but not sure if this is a good idea.

I don't know if others experience this, but in my case my parents are very naive and gullible. They refuse to accept reality ...like the fact that their kids could be gay, or atheist, or not want to get married/have children. Those things happen in "other" households, not our godly home. Forget divorce, domestic violence, mental health issues or anything like that.

My parents didn't think that people in college do drugs or smoke or drink....for the longest time I was told only "bad" kids do those things..kids with good grades don't. They were shocked when I told them what was going on in college- they think all kids are pure and good until shown otherwise. They would never believe what some of my friends do because they've only seen them in religious places or they seem to be "sanskaari" kids. They only accept what's in front of them- it's like they can't fathom there is another side to anyone.

People are simple. Life is simple. I think that might also be because of religious as well- my parents would rather believe in religion than science. They believe in horoscopes and traditions, and are unwilling to let go of these things. They think Hindus = good, muslims = bad. Indian culture= good, western culture= bad. My mom thinks Modi is a saint because he's so Hindu and meditating lol..

Or that getting tuition after school means your child will be a doctor or engineer...not everything has a 1-to-1 translation

I think it's a combination of a more stable life where things are simple and everyone knows their roles as well as lack of exposure to the real world. They still expect me to get an arranged marriage to someone Hindu, Brahmin, vegetarian even if he lives far away from me. They think it's a good idea if I go and move to another state for someone I don't know very well at all- domestic violence or abusive behavior isn't a concern for them at all. They think he will take care of me just like they have taken care of me...because of their trust in him.

The good thing is they are realizing the world is not all like that- recently we had a family friend get a divorce (in an arranged marriage) because her husband was super super cheap and talking about finances isn't important in an arranged marriage- as long as he's a doctor/engineer it's all good. My mom was shocked because in the old days you would just accept it as part of your husband- you wouldn't get a divorce. I have relatives that stayed with their husbands even after they found out he lied about his job because they had already gotten married so that was their fate.

Even when I ask my parents what I'll do if I never fall in love with my husband- the answer is that I will adjust or accept it as my fate. Life is very linear and systematic -- study, get married, have kids, die. Wife obeys husband, husband is the head. You are born into the caste you are & that is a matter of karma.

Anyways, just thinking out loud about what might have caused Indian parents to be like this..

I'm a 22 y/o male. I graduated recently and I feel completely hollow. My college years were awful and lonely; I had a hard time meeting people and keeping friends. I ended up losing the few friends I did make because it was hard for me to open up around people. I had a couple of hookups as well as a gf in HS so I'm not completely inexperienced but I still feel like I'm underdeveloped in that area of my life. My grades are ok, but not great. My plan was to go to med school but I've had to delay this by 2 years due to indecisiveness and mediocre grades. My extracurriculars and leadership experience are pretty lacking. All I really did was work out and play sports. No friends whatsoever. All of the negative feelings associated with all this came to a head right about 2 months ago, when I met this really attractive, successful girl in class who seemed into me and went out of her way to ask me my number, only to go cold towards me when I guess she realized I had nothing going for me

My dad was abusive towards me growing up in typical Desi fashion. He would beat me and my mom, randomly throw these huge terrifying tantrums and trash our house and belongings, put me down verbally even after I did things I was proud of. It really ruined my self esteem and made me look at the world in a really cynical untrusting way. I had a hard time making friends outside of my immediate group of friends and got in a ton of fights. There were people who legitimately thought I was a thug/bully even though I wasn't that big and was from the suburbs and had nerdy friends and made good grades. I never did anything to change their perception of me because I had awful social anxiety and tried desperately to mask it by looking tough and stoic because I thought the idea of someone thinking I was shy and weak was the worst thing i could do. We also lived in a really undiverse, conservative, often times racist area of the country and I never felt like I belonged most everywhere I went there. I was still normal and functioning and funny around my friends and was fairly popular with them. I was so fucking good at making people laugh back then. but I couldn't be as relaxed around people I didn't know well

Nowadays I love working out and fashion. I go to extreme lengths to look like I'm put together physically. I think I look like a normal functioning person on the surface; my therapist freshman year told me I understand social cues perfectly fine and I scored highly on an emotional intelligence test he had me take. But my social life is completely dead and that probably won't change soon now that I'm out of college and back in my shitty home state, where I stick out like a sore thumb. The idea of talking to someone randomly, especially someone my age, scares me more than anything, even though I do it on occasion (unwillingly). The idea of initiating a social interaction is even worse. I cant view myself as anything other than an outsider everywhere I go. I have no friends and am extremely single. My parents are constantly on my back about my career, which makes me feel like shit all the time. The only person I care about is my sibling who is completely normal compared to me. I don't know how to confide any of this to her though. I've been thinking about therapy but have no idea how to go about it and don't want my parents to know; I tried it a couple times at college and hated all of it.

I've wasted so much time. There were so many potential friends that were available to me that I didn't reciprocate on. So many girls I didn't smile back at. I've always felt like I'm not good enough for any of it

This sub is dead so I don't know what I expected from typing all this out, especially since stories like this are a dime a dozen on this site. It does feel kind of good to see all this typed out, even though I humblebragged a little too much about the few things I think are positive about me. "He that humbleth himself wishes to be exalted" and all that. I wish I could be happy and normal, but if things keep going the way they are I'm planning on ending it on New Years Eve of this year. Nothing about me feels right.

So I just learned about the QAnon conspiracy theory ((here's an overview)[vox.com/policy-and-politics/2018/8/1/17253444/qanon-trump-conspiracy-theory-reddit]). My dad told me he's been reading about it for months, since late last year. He showed me lots of screen shots like those in the article and conspiracy sites where he gets information about these theories, including some subreddits I won't name. Then he asked me what I thought and I, thinking he was actually asking for my opinion, expressed skepticism. He literally SCREAMED at me and called me a bitch.

But that's not even the point of this post. The QAnon conspiracy theory alleges, among other things, that there are massive pedophilia rings spanning politicians, govt officials, celebrities, and business executives. My dad told me he believes that most politicians, govt officials, celebrities, and executives are child molestors or traffickers.

But, apparently, he doesn't think ACTUAL CONVICTED PEDOPHILES are actually pedophiles.

When I was a teen, I was molested by teachers at my school. Many of my classmates were raped. And it was a widespread problem within our church and the church school we attended, to the point I'm keeping this as non-specific as possible because there are lots of news articles about our church and school (I'll say it wasn't the catholic church, not to downplay the problems that they have had). There have been actual CONVICTIONS and some of the teachers and leaders have CONFESSED to the crimes they committed.

I told my parents at the time it was happening AND THEY DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. I wasn't asking them to confront teachers or help me file a police report. I knew that was too much to ask. I was just asking to be moved to another school, which could have been done easily and for free. But nope, they wanted to keep me in the church school, which they were paying thousands of dollars for (it wasn't a public school). In between denials, they made excuses for the abuse and hand-waved it away.

I finished high school 10 years ago. To this day, despite actual convictions, my dad still doesn't believe me. (My mom cries and begs for forgiveness, which I never grant, because I want her to suffer at least 1/100th of what I did.) My dad asks me, "If you were really molested, why wasn't your brother molested?" MAYBE HE WAS and is too terrified or ashamed to say anything! And most of the convicted teachers and leaders molested girls, not boys, so it was more probable to happen to me than to him. Not that either is OK and there have been convictions for both.

But according to my dad, most democratic and establishment republican (read: non-Trumpist) politicians are child molestors while CONVICTED PEDOPHILES are innocent just because they belong to the same church he does.

I am fucking livid that he believes some ramblings posted on the internet but not his own daughter or convictions in a court of law.

My father died just under two weeks ago. It was a long battle with cancer for him, and he was in a lot of pain. He was the only breadwinner in our family of four. My sister and I are in our early 30s and mid 20s, respectively, so we haven’t all been home together for a long time. We all flew back to India because that’s where he wanted to be cremated. All the funeral rites are over, and now it’s just us three in a rented apartment.

My family is incredibly toxic. My father didn’t leave an official will, so now everyone’s just fighting with each other over money and property. I’m mad at my father for not leaving a will. Also mad he died. He was the only one who would take my side in arguments with my sister. My sister and mother have been very dismissive of anything I have to say and they barely treat me like a person because I expressed my discomfort with how they’re treating me and told them I wanted to fly back to my own home in the U.S..

As it is my sister and I have never had a good relationship. When we were younger she would beat the ever living shit out of me and treat me with the utmost condescension. Once, she was mad when I was visiting her at her apartment during my college spring break, because I was texting my boyfriend at the time. She would say, “You’re here to see me. Not your stupid boyfriend. I never want to see your phone when I am around you.” Keep in mind this boyfriend was actually very abusive himself and would berate me if I didn’t reply to him immediately upon receiving his texts. Anyway, I tried to sneak in another text after that because now I was scared not just of the boyfriend but of her, and she caught me. She beat me up so bad that she ripped a chunk of skin from my face. Then she kicked me out of her apartment. After that I don’t think I actually ever felt safe around her.

After my father passed my mother didn’t console me even once. When I tried to console her she would push me away to talk to strangers instead. I sat alone outside his hospital room right after he died. Only his colleague came to sit next to me and talk to me. My mother forgot I was there. My sister wasn’t in town for this. I was all alone, and it was actually my first ever experience with death. I am traumatized at what I saw at the resuscitation bay, and didn’t have my mother there for me. I told her that but she thinks I am too weak for even mentioning this to her.

It’s probably my mistake for trying to let them know how they hurt me and how I wish they would correct it, because every time I do, you know what they say to me?

“You’re too sensitive. Too American.”

Well, fuck. If I’m so American why did you move there? Did you think you want to go to that country to have a life there and to ensure I have my life there too? I hate it so much when they use this as if it’s supposed to be some stupid insult. My dumb sister prides herself on her Indianness. She mocks my accent because she actually grew up in India for a bit, so she actually sounds Indian.

God I hate them. I hate them so much for telling me I’m too sensitive. I’ve Googled so many things to look up if it’s a manipulative tactic and it absolutely is. I feel so crazy, and I just want to go home to my husband and cat. I have everything I need to do so, but my mother said if I leave now she will consider it as me abandoning her and that she will never talk to me again. My sister already barely talks to me. I’m so exhausted I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this until the end of the month.

*trigger warning: molestation*

also my grandma. Many of you must be wondering how I am still alive. I am not so sure myself. I am a 28 year old female btw.

My mom has always been a working mom with a demanding career. On top of her career, living in a joint family, she wasn't exactly present for us as kids. I as the middle child and oldest daughter, was her complete last priority. Couple that with my bitchy grandmother (her mother) moving in with us when I was 10, and then shortly after I was molested by a stranger, my teenage years were not the best. I was regularly guilt tripped and scape goated, and made out to be ugly dark-skinned), disrespectful, unruly etc. I had a freaking bed wetting problem until I was like 16 and my hair started falling out bc I was pretty much a kid in distress.

Much of my adulthood has been about rebuilding my self-image. I moved across the country, completely rid myself of financial support from my parents, got therapy. Through therapy, I realized my parents have npd/bpd traits and much of my relationship with them has been about setting my boundaries, and its actually been great. But I don't know what happened today but I broke. My mom kept bugging me for calling out my grandma on her BS, and standing up for our maid (bc my mom feels insecure that she's the one who raised us, so shes rude to her) so I couldn't take it anymore. I told her she was a fucking bitch, and asked her where she was when I was molested? Where was she when I needed love and support? Where was she when I was showing clear signs of distress as a child? and the molestation secret came out. Now to my mom, this molestation is clear evidence as to why I have been "fucked up" all these years, when that's not the truth - the truth is that they're gaslighting bitches. I am done coddling my parents/grandparents feelings.

I am ready to be painted black, and own this persona of the unruly member of the family but I have this sadness because I am also losing the dream I had of supportive loving parents/grandparents/family, but I guess I never had that in the first place? I thought that I had been working towards a healthy relationship with my parents, but I guess not...

In the past, I would definitely feel guilty about my behavior but today I am choosing not to be. Btw instead of loving me at all, my mom made my pain all about her, and made my molestation my fault.

Any advice? Made this account bc I am not sure where to turn to for support <3

I am trying very very hard to be kind to myself and unapologetic for my behavior.

It's such a hard pill to swallow for me that I may be the only actual adult in the room emotionally when I am around my family. Has anyone been in similar situations? How do you deal with the burden? I have always been the child who beats to a different drum in my family, and it has always been threatening to them.

I recently started dating “Lawyer” who is white. While we share a lot of important things in common, he’s pretty white. Little exposure to other cultures, very different upbringing though open minded and willing to be adventurous. Lawyer did live in Korea for a year for work but lived in an ex-pat community so didn’t really have to immerse himself in another culture. He’s had a lot of exotic food but never tried Indian food for no real reason even. It’s been hard to get over that one since he’s over 40 😳.

He learned a lot in reflecting on his childhood and we have talked about some of his ideas about parenting and relationship responsibilities and we agree on a lot of things. We aren’t super serious but we are getting to the point where I’m thinking of introducing him to my parents and I’m worried they are going to find him to be too simple and unable to fit into my family. They expected more from my ex fiancé which he didn’t “live up to” and my mom’s two white SILs are miserable people that have prevented my cousins from having anything to do with the culture so my mother particularly has a hard time accepting anyone outside the culture. However they have said to me that if I found the right person, they wouldn’t hold it against me.

Lawyer has showed interest in wanting to learn about things and has started writing things down to look up or read. But even I worry about how his lack of exposure would affect us and our future children if this was to get serious. I’m not trying to marry the guy tomorrow, but before I get too invested I want to make sure I’m being realistic. We have talked about these things and it’s still a discussion that needs to be continued, but I want to approach this, or whatever relationship I end up in, with some serious thought about how to incorporate a non Indian SO successfully.

Just some background info:

• my parents are not super traditional but my mother is very religious and we do celebrate some major holidays they go to the gurdwara once a month and/or for special holidays.

• I find solace in the Sikh faith but it’s not my life and while I go to the gurdwara, I go a few times a year and I would like my children to learn about my culture but I don’t need them to grow up in a die hard, super religious way. I would rather my children spend time with their grandparents and get exposure to their heritage rather than indoctrinate them.

• we have a family friend who is white who was the last person we expected to marry into a traditional Sikh family. But she learned some of the language, goes to gurdwara, wears the clothes, lets her kids speak Punjabi, goes to functions and really has adopted the culture because she didn’t have one. This is what my parents think is the perfect example of a white D(S)IL. They even reference the movie “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” and use it as an example of how to be a part of an ethnic family. While this is wonderful, I don’t think it’s fair to expect all of these traits from every person. I would love to have some of the examples my parents bring up from my future spouse but it doesn’t have to be exactly how this family friend did it. Also I think the way men and women approach things like this can be different. Regardless it doesn’t seem to matter what I want re: cultural issues when it comes to this convo with my family. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🙄

So what I’m asking is how do others in this situation do it? What do you expect out of your SOs/spouses? Do your parents also have expectations of their D(S)ILs? What have these SOs/ spouses done to try and become part of the family?

frustrated because my desi parents argue A LOT with each other

Background:

Pakistani parents, Urdu speaking, living in the US.

My dad is 69 years old and my mom is 58. My dad has a male dominating mindset who expresses very little affection to us (if at all) but demonstrates his love through providing for our family and not giving up on any of us. My mom, is a housewife, who is from a “a wife should bardaash” mindset who loves us deeply like the best of mothers, but her lack of worldly know-how, lack of practicality at times, and complaining communication style Triggers my dad, who really doesn’t understand the words tone, communication, affection, reconciliation. Any argument boils down to a yelled statement: “she must respect me, I am her husband”.

And I’m caught in the middle of it. Playing marriage counselor and mediator. And it is EXHAUSTING.

Anyone gone through something similar, what has helped ?

I'm sure its a racial incident since I'm the only non-white on this side of the building and I don't talk to anyone near my flats.

Preface: I’m a 37 year old cancer survivor who’s white fiancé left while I was sick due to a number of issue but in part because my parents interfered so much with the relationship that we just couldn’t make it work. Also my parents have never liked anyone I dated unless they were Indian and have interfered with many relationships by verbally abusive language or fights until I give in and then complain about how difficult I make their life and if I respected the family, I would make better choices.

Today: my parents have always felt that marriage and dating are joint decisions. You think of the family needs before your own. So while my parents don’t expect an arranged marriage, they do expect me to pick someone that blends into the family well and is aligned with family values.. I only agree with this part to a point but clearly not a large enough point because I’m frequently told that I don’t understand the meaning of family. Their definition of thinking of family is everything from age, color of and condition of teeth, hair on head or bald, education, quality of school, family background...etc. My mother drives most of the drama around these superficial things.

Currently I am dating a white guy named Lawyer. Before him I briefly dated an Indian guy I’ll call Scientist. When I dated Scientist my mother would ask lots of interested questions and hoped that we would hit it off. When Scientist and I decided we should be friends, she was really disappointed. If things would have worked out she would have been happy. I told her about Lawyer and suddenly all these questions have come up that she never asked with Scientist. She is worried about me settling and not being patient enough for the right person. She thinks I’m settling for him before who at my age would want to date a bald guy. When I tried to explain his personality, she thought it was a cop out. When I called her out on it she admits that she does it because she is scared and if she doesn’t tell me now she’s afraid we will make a mistake like in precious relationships. Apparently I haven’t done one good thing in choosing any of the men in the past. On the same hand she says she doesn’t care if the guy is Indian or not, they have to be a decent guy but she treats each scenario so differently.

I have talked to her about this behavior nicely and in screaming matches. I have changed my ways and started dating more Indian guys out of respect for them. I tell them where I am mentally when dating anyone. I casually date and really date these guys like friends because I am not ready to get involved seriously with someone because I’m dealing with the fallout of my broken engagement. I see other people at the same time to keep my options open. I have changed how transparent I am with my mom and yet she remains the same.

Every time I talk to her I feel more and more insecure about myself and my ability to make decisions. I’m 37. It’s embarrassing to tell someone that “if my parents don’t approve of you when you meet them I might have to end this.” But after the hell that was my previous relationship I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to fight for someone again and so if they meet Lawyer and don’t like him I plan to end it.

I don’t relate to Indian guys much and while I have met some really nice Indian guys I just see myself with a non Indian guy. But I put myself out there to try and be more open minded and give myself a chance to respect their wishes. But anytime I talk about Lawyer, she either ignores my comments about him which she always does when she doesn’t want to deal with things that make her uncomfortable or she accuses me of settling with a guy that is bald and that his teeth aren’t straight (she’s seen one picture of him).

I have major anxiety issues over these interactions and end up having panic attacks after our phone calls. I have asked her to come with me to therapy or go to therapy; she doesn’t . She says sorry and will try to change but she doesn’t. I have disconnected from my parents for years and yet still end up miserable. I try to mend my relationship and am still miserable.

She doesn’t understand how much the fallout of my engagement plus going through remission has contributed to my anxiety; post remission life is challenging in its own ways. She just wants me to move on. We still haven’t talked about their role in the demise of my last relationship and if I try to go down that road she doesn’t want to acknowledge it. I try and talk to my brothers and they aren’t dating actively right now but have accepted her for who she is and plan to marry within the culture. So they aren’t very helpful.

I feel like this black sheep who on paper is this well educated, accomplished physician working at top tier medical schools and inside I feel like I’m an incompetent, selfish imposter not worth of love. My mother’s constant interference makes me want to find a private island and never speak to them anymore.

How do I keep myself sane and also try to be respectful of them? How do I find balance? My therapist has told me that she thinks I have some PTSD from my time in the hospital during treatment and with the concurrent loss of my ex. We are working on it but I’m scared that anyone I like I won’t be able to have a happy relationship because I’ll be an utter disappointment to my family. I can’t have fun dating before every time I am with someone who they might not approve of, I freeze and spend most of the dates in my head and not enjoying myself. Some days I feel like this and I start to just wish I could disappear and when my mind goes there, it gets scary inside. But I feel very alone in all this. Any thoughts? Also thanks for reading this far if you made it...

I really need urgent advice from anyone who has escaped a violent, controlling Indian household.

​I am a 33-year-old unmarried woman working in IT in Bangalore. I previously lived in the UK for 1.5 years on secondment and loved it. I recently worked hard and secured a new job offer to move back there permanently.

​When I told my parents, they lost control. They said I cannot leave, that I have to get married (they’ve been looking for 8 years), and they physically beat me. When I said I wanted to die from the despair, they beat me more.

​Now, they are apologizing for hitting me, but they are still strictly refusing to let me go. My younger sister completely sides with them, so I have no support at home. I know I cannot convince them.

​I am financially independent, but I am terrified hurt broken.. I know I can ask AI all questions i want because literally have nobody supporting me or anyone to speak to.. I am reeling like nothing is in front of me except death but I love my parents to the core.. they too don't have anyone no family left or support..

Hi, I’m a desi 30sF.

I have often heard very awful comments from girls who aren’t my friends/relatives but far off acquaintances. Some very low life comments like they’d never do jobs like mine for 30-40K rupees. Mind you, this isn’t even the minimum wage and I make 40x times this a month. I have a full blown corporate career.

As a desi woman, what feels bad is when younger desi girls rather than seek inspiration or help from us, they resort to saying such horrible things. The girl in question here is unemployed and has been trying to earn via content creation and it isn’t yielding her money yet. All of this should have nothing to do with passing disparaging comments about my career.

I feel the same gender insecurity in desis is very vile, people feel some threat. I’m not even competing, why will I compete with someone who’s never stepped foot for a day in any corporate. But yeah I am low key hurt that people can be so rude and disparaging sometimes.

Americanized Indian kid, experiences India, star-eyed emoji, and declares that India is 10x better than America fss and Indian culture is superior to trashy American culture?

Even my dad agrees India sucks but he thinks Indian culture and "values" (just stuff his creepy friends spout from their shitwater mouths) are superior. wtf

Edit: they're so concerned about people staring at my butt which is why they make me wear super oversized t shirts. in America people wear bikinis and no one really cares, but you couldn't even wear a tank top in India. so which country is safer? precious India or america??

I would like to state that this post is both a rant and a cry for help. I would also like to mention that I believe that other South Asian groups probably also face normalized racism. so whenever I'm talking about Indians I also mean it to apply to other South Asian groups as well.

I'm really having a difficult time explaining my mental dilemma as even writing this is giving me a ton of stress and anxiety. 

I am a 20(M) Sophmore college student that goes to a college with a 10% desi student population. I have OCD, ADHD, and a mild anxiety disorder. The school that I go to is majority caucasian student body and the surrounding area has mostly rednecks.

The whole Canada situation, the rising hate against desis in the UK and Australia, the Indian street food videos trending on social media, the normalization and encouragement of racism against Indians (South Asians in whole too) on major social media platforms such as X (twitter), Instagram, Snapchat reels, and even Reddit, has affected my mental health so bad that its causing me serious issues irl. It's like so commonplace to find anti-Indian racism online that even if your not looking for it you'll find it. What I find the most frustrating is how all South Asians are painted with one broad brush stroke, to all be generalized as being ugly, creepy, rapey, smelly, etc. to a point where I think everyone online thinks this way. It's also super frustration that it's okay to generalize Indians and be racist to them, but it's not okay for any other group, like Indians are the last group it's okay to be racist to. I also feel it weird that Indians are called out for things that other ethnic groups do, and isn't necessarily problematic. For example, I saw a comment from a Mexican-American venting out about how Indians get him confused for Indian and speak Hindi to him, even though there was really nothing wrong in that situation and how literally every other ethnic group does the exact same thing. Like desis are being blamed for stuff every other group does. 

I also find it frustrating that even when we call out or fight against this stuff, people would double down or justify this by saying that "Indians are racist, casteist, colorist, etc" or how "It's criticism" or some other nonsense. The worst thing is I've seen a lot of this stuff from even liberal minded people or even liberal subreddits, and it also hurts how doing the Indian accent or other jabs at Indians is accepted, but stigmatized if it was against other ethnic groups. 

I think the worst thing I feel is how many desis irl or online either find some way to brush it under the rug or just ignore this entirely. Like I talked to my parents about this and they got pissed off because I'm worrying over nonsense issues. I've also seen people on this sub brushing it underIt's made me feel boxed and trapped. It also hurts how this racism is also perpetuated by every other ethnic group, like I've seen this racism espoused by blacks, whites, asians, mexicans, literally everyone, and it's frustrating how every other ethnicity is united on hating on indians, or at least justifying the casual racism, or generalizations. 

The vitroil is so bipartisan and so espoused that I feel like everyone irl thinks this way. Like I've even seen liberal leaning people or even those who are anti-racist or those who advocate for diversity say stuff like this. An example of this is H3H3's rant about Indians. Another example would be where people are mocking and ridiculing indians and making generalizations and all sorts of accusations on the  subreddit. I've also found it difficult to explain this to other ethnic groups as I feel like racism against other groups is one level of racism, and another level is racism against south asians where it's so normalized that people have a difficult time relating to it or detecting that it is racism, even though they themselves are POC's. Like there's literally no where to go to escape this racism, and I feel trapped and suffocated. 

All of this has literally caused a mental health crisis in me, to the point where those racist comments just keep appearing in my head, where I'm literally having difficulty paying attention in class, on academics, clubs, etc. It's also made me feel insecure about my race, my skin color, my face, and it's absolutely wrecked my confidence socially and emotionally. 

Above all else, it's made me paranoid around non-Indians, especially older caucasian people and caucasian females. I think this paranoia was fueled due to the fact that I've been bullied a ton growing up, and I've especially been bullied for my skin color in 5th grade and middle school, and my race in middle school and high school. I've also faced many second-hand microaggressions during my first semester in college, where I would see other Indian students face microaggressions, or I myself would face microaggressions, such as when I was standing by myself at a bus stop, and some random truck pulled into the bus stop, and honked aggressively, waited a while, then slowly left. 

Again, I feel like I've internalized this racism so much to an extent that I've started hating myself for my skin color and for being Indian. I've even contemplated killing myself a couple times. It's also seriously wrecked my self-confidence and my social skills. With my OCD, I'm now having obsessive thoughts with the racist comments I see flashing through my mind. The one comment I saw that really made me feeling a bit suicidal was a heavily liked comment on X (I think 1 to 2 thousand likes) that said, and I quote: "Thank god I wasn't born Indian". I'm also having obsessive thoughts and compulsions regarding the racist comments online. 

I would also like to point out that I have had mental health issues and inferiority regarding race and skin color in the past, but nothing like this. 

The ironic thing about all of this is aside from some microaggressions I've faced during my first semester in freshman year, I think the microaggressions were committed by freshmen, so of the maintenance workers, and a couple sophmores. I haven't seen or experienced any from of racism ever since. In fact, I've seen most students and faculty getting along well with their Indian peers. Most people I talked to didn't really careI've talked to my two friends who are Indian and they said that they haven't faced any racism in some form or another, but they were a bit weary about facing racism from the rednecks who live in Bloomington. I also went to a wedding this weekend with like half the guests being caucasian/east asian, and they all seemed to be enthusiastic about the wedding, and they were wearing Indian clothes and eating Indian food as well, and when I talked to some of them, they seemed to be very enthusiatic and interested in Indian culture and food.

I'm planning on taking therapy with a non-POC therapist, but I think he should be able to help with the obsessive thoughts. I'm most likely going to quit social media, especially Reddit, since even before my mental health crisis, I was pretty addicted to Reddit, and I feel like I'm spending more time online than enjoying my college experience. I also feel like social media isn't exactly a mirror of real life due to the fact that (bar the racism growing up and microaggressions I've faced from travel and IRL) I haven't had issues regarding my ethnicity at my college or where I live outside of college. 

I don't know what to do and it's causing me a ton of stress. I would like advice on how to cope/deal with this in a healthy and productive manner, to fix my mental health crisis. It's affecting my ability to live and do college and I don't know what to do. I would also like to apologize how long this post is and I beg the mods to not delete this as I have mentioned suicide a couple times. I also apologize if this post hasn't been clear enough, I'm having a difficult time wording my situation. Also if someone could make a tldr for this post that would be great.

Hey folks!

I’m a desi adult now. And I’m new to this community, so forgive me if I have missed posts on this topic before.

I’m interested in brown guilt, and your experiences with it, what may have helped with dealing with it.

I’m struggling with my role in my family lately- and just how I was raised with and around lots of forms of guilt, that have blurred together. I don’t know what’s caused by my parents and what is my own doing anymore; but everything makes me feel so guilty, and it’s draining the life out of me.

Has anyone felt like this before?

This is gonna be a long rambling post because I have not been able to get these things off my chest to anyone. Please bear with me.

Hi everyone,

My first time here but I think I'm gonna go crazy if I don't talk to someone. I'll get straight to the point.

I'm a 25 year old male, originally born in Kerala, India and I moved to the United Kingdom for my GCSEs (High school - 15 year old). I moved alone and my parents are still in India 10 years later.

I met this girl around 2 years or so after I moved to the UK and we've been in a relationship for the past 8 years. She is a Sri-Lankan who was born and brought up in the UK.

Last year we got married, I wasn't really ready for it but her parents didn't really leave me or her with much choice because they are very traditional and it's honestly hard to deal with them or explain things to them as they refuse to change their viewpoint on some topics. (I don't blame them, they were raised with *traditional* values and the toxicity that comes with these values.)

Now over the past year our relationship has broken down significantly, we are still friendly and we still love each other, but the spark is long gone and both of us feel the same way.

Its been months since we've had intimidate moments in our relationship, largely because I do not initiate or reciprocate. This is something she's brought up several times but it pains me that I do not feel the same way about her anymore either. I want to, but I really don't.

I feel really numb and she's really unhappy with where we are as well. Without getting too much further into boring details, we recently had a fight which ended in us deciding that its best if we break up. I honestly believe a break up is best for the both of us because at least this way we would be splitting up as friends and we'd not be ruining each others mental health. Our characters have changed over the past 8 years and we have grown apart as individuals. We have a lot of good memories but I can't bear to watch us destroy each other like this.

Initially when she let her parents know that she was thinking of getting a divorce, her dad was supposedly supportive and suggested that he will stand by any decision she makes and that he does not care even if she doesn't get remarried or whatever. She seemed confident and we were both discussing how things are gonna work between us moving forward (We do not have kids or anything so thing are straight forward).

A day later her dad backtracked and called my parents up as well and had a long rant to them about my faults in the relationship and then came over with her mum so that they can both rail us on what our problems are, often trying to make us discuss personal issues and forcing us to make a decision. Mind you every time we told them that we still felt like splitting up after the 2 hour conversation we just had with them, they would start going into the discussion again and ask us why, and then repeat the same things over and over again.

Her mum then asked me "How can we let you both split up when you've been married for only 14 months and you spent $50k on a wedding, what will people say?"
"We can't just let you get divorced, these issues are not anything major".etc

Another thing that came up was that she told them that I told her I can't promise or give any guarantee on if I'd want kids in 5 years, but they shrugged it off saying " Oh you've got to have kids at 30."

Then we told her that we were thinking of maybe taking a short break of at least three months by living separately to see if we feel any differently, but they continued their cycle of "my way or highway" and they were not happy with this either.
I'm kinda high rn so I apologise if none of this makes any sense. I don't have any family here to support me and I grew up here as a kid by myself. I don't have a support structure and I'm hoping I can find some solace in spewing it all out here.

What I'm worried about most is me pushing a divorce through, and her parents manipulating her into an early arranged marriage. I still love this girl even though I'm sure we are not meant to be married. I've known her for 8 years and she's family to me. I don't want her life to get even more fucked up than it already is.

My parents told me to take my time and make the right decision, and that they would support me and my partner all the same regardless of our decision.

TLDR : Got married to my gf of 8 years, both of us wanna get divorced but her parents are not supporting her.