I had a baby girl when I was 14, and my eldest sister raised her until the beginning of this year. My sister has aggressive breast cancer, and I needed to step up for her and my daughters sake. My husband has been very supportive throughout this whole upheaval in our lives. My only concern or issue is that he no longer touches me or shows me any romantic affection. Everything is just formal and business like. He treats our 2 kids and my daughter equally. Going so far as to start a college fund for her.

I thought that after some time, things would get better, but I was wrong. This seems to be our new normal. I have tried to talk about it, and he just shuts that down. I have been literally throwing myself at him, and he just walks away. Last night, I did the whole seduction route. Kids were with his parents, cooked his favorite beef stroganoff, bottle of wine, and new lingerie. And all I got was a thanks for the great dinner. When I pressed for more, he just said he couldn't and apologized. 5 months of no affection at all. It is doing a number on my mental health. Does anyone have any advice that can help my situation?

Update, we had a fight yesterday at work. I pushed for some answers from him. He finally said he feels disgusted at even the thought of touching me now.

TLDR- My partner wants me to use my back injury settlement to open a clothing/consignment shop. I'm not really cool funneling money down a metaphysical drain of doom, and because of that I'm an asshole.

I'm 27F, and I've been with my partner, 30M, for six years. We currently work at the same vape store/head shop in Pennsylvania. With the laws surrounding vapes and hemp products changing, there's a good chance we could both be out of work after December. We've been trying to figure out what we're going to do afterward.

Throughout our relationship, I've been the primary breadwinner. My partner has always hated working for someone else and has wanted to own his own business. For the past six years, he's talked about opening some kind of clothing and consignment shop in our local area.

I'm not against the idea of owning a business, but I have concerns. There are already three places in our area that sell clothing, and I'm not convinced there's enough demand for another one. He's also talked about using a laser engraver and 3D printer to make products, but even something as simple as printing an item can take hours.

Here's where the problem comes in: I'm expected to use the money I have left from my settlement after a back injury to help fund this business. I'm not comfortable with that. I don't know how to run a clothing or consignment shop, and I don't want to risk the little bit of savings I have left on something that might fail.

Whenever I try to voice my concerns, I'm told I'm being negative and unsupportive. The conversation eventually turns into him saying he'll just do everything himself without my help and screaming at me to GTFO. Now I'm left feeling like I'm a terrible partner simply because I'm not willing to blindly agree to an idea that could put us in a worse financial position.

I've never had a problem working for someone else. Sure, I've had jobs where I wasn't treated like a human, but I've always believed that sometimes you have to do what you need to do to keep a roof over your head and pay your bills. My partner sees things differently. He would genuinely rather risk going back to homelessness or living with his parents than continue working for someone else.

I understand wanting independence and wanting to build something of your own. I really do. But I also think there's a difference between taking a calculated risk and shooting a hole into your boat on an 8 hour fishing trip.

What makes this even harder is that we can't seem to have a productive conversation about it. Every time I try to discuss the risks or suggest that we think things through more carefully, he gets upset and accuses me of being negative. I don't feel heard, and I'm starting to feel like I'm being forced to choose between protecting my financial future and proving that I support my partner.

I love him, but I don't think supporting someone means agreeing with every decision they want to make, especially when that decision involves my money.

Would you feel comfortable putting nearly all your remaining savings into a business you don't know how to run or am I being unreasonable for wanting to protect my financial stability (or the little that I have of it).

Any honest advice is appreciated, even if it's just that this whole situation sucks. Thanks.

My boyfriend (26M) and I (24F) have been together for a little over 5 years, and we’ve been living together for the past 1 year and 7 months.

Recently, we started discussing our future and what marriage would look like. During a conversation yesterday, we realized that we have very different expectations when it comes to finances.

My view is that after marriage, both partners should contribute however they can, but I would expect my husband to be able to provide the basic necessities for our family if needed, especially if we have children. I’m not talking about luxury cars, expensive vacations, or a lavish lifestyle. I mean basic things like housing, food, utilities, and other essential family expenses.

My boyfriend believes that expenses should continue to be split 50/50 after marriage. He expects us to split rent, groceries, electricity, maid/cook expenses, dining out, and most other household expenses equally.

Currently, he earns about 4.5 times more than I do, and we already split expenses. While I’m okay with contributing financially, I don’t feel comfortable with a strict 50/50 arrangement after marriage, especially if I become pregnant, take maternity leave, or if we have children in the future.

The conversation became heated, and he told me, “Go to your father and ask him to find you a rich guy.”

That comment hurt me because I don’t feel like I’m looking for someone rich or trying to avoid contributing. I simply have different expectations about how finances and responsibilities should be handled in a marriage.

Now I’m wondering whether this is a normal disagreement that can be worked through or if it points to a deeper incompatibility in our values and expectations for marriage.

Has anyone dealt with a similar situation? How did you handle it? Am I being unreasonable?

TLDR: My boyfriend (26M) and I (24F) have been together for 5 years. He earns 4.5 times more than me but wants a strict 50/50 split on all expenses after marriage. I believe spouses should contribute according to their circumstances and that basic family needs should be covered even if one partner temporarily earns less or stays home with children. He told me to “find a rich guy” when we discussed it. Are we fundamentally incompatible when it comes to marriage and finances?

Normally I'd be thrilled my wife wants to work. I work at an engineering firm and make an okay salary. An additional salary would enable us to save for a home.

The thing is, we have a 9 month old son. She has a background in education in her home country, but isn't fluent in English yet and isn't certified to teach at public school. The jobs she's applied at are all private pre-k jobs or daycares.

I wouldn't mind if she worked at a daycare and got a decent discount for our kid. The issue is that she's decided now that she didn't study to teach babies and toddlers and wants to do something related to her career, like subbing, which would pay less than daycare costs.

I've told her that focusing on her education and English proficiency will get her there infinitely faster than working as a pre-k teacher or as a substitute teacher. She tells me she understands, and I even signed her up for some advanced English courses so she could take her TOEFL and teach.

But now she's insisting on continuing to interview for different jobs, leaving me with our son constantly during the work day (I wfh). I don't know if these are an ego trip for her since she enjoys hearing positive feedback.

I'm getting behind in work because of this, and she's acknowledged that English proficiency is the only way, but has told me she gets stressed out and feels her talents are wasted at home with our kid.

What irritates me is that I told her we should hold off on having kids and she insisted that's what she wanted. I warned her so many times over that in the US daycare costs are extremely high and she'd need to be a sahm until she could get her English at a decent level or otherwise take a night job in the service industry if she truly wanted to work.

I'm getting tired of arguing about this. I've read many opinions saying to divide the cost of daycare in half and to think of the half tuition cost as my wife's, since we should both contribute to child care. This still ignores the fact that our NET FAMILY INCOME is dropping. We're barely making 80K gross with my single income, and live decently, not extravagantly. I've told my wife that we'd be decreasing our standard of living in exchange for irrelevant work experience and seeing our son less.

TLDR My wife wants to work. We have a baby. The jobs she's applying to pay less than the cost of daycare and would not advance her career. I think she should focus on English proficiency to actually advance her career.

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Edit 1: I do appreciate most advice given. I need to respond more to the advice given in good faith. Some things to clarify:

1. Some of you need to learn that work from home is a privilege many companies are very willing to revoke. This doesn't mean I don't like taking care of my kid. But if my job catches me slacking on work and deduces that it's because I'm focusing on my kid, they will ask me to go in office, or even fire me. These interviews have been happening all morning the last 3 weeks about twice a week. That's about 8 hours a week I should be working where I'm watching my kid.

2. Many are saying my wife will learn English on the job. I'm sure she could since she's smart and driven. But we know way too many people that work retail, food, cleaning, and even daycares/pre-k that have been here between 4 and 30 years. They don't speak English past an extremely basic level. And regardless, she doesn't need English for daily use, she needs academic level English. Her classes ended at the start of May and pick up again end of this month. I suspect this may contribute to her stress.

My wife and I both work from home and sometimes share our home office. When she had left the office one time, I happened to glance over and see a Teams chat between her and a male coworker. I didn't see the whole chat. My wife has been having a difficult time at work with some drama between other coworkers that impacts her work. It looks like he said something to cheer her up and she responded with that. What do you think? Should I bring it up? Dig deeper?

TLDR: My wife sent this to a coworker after he cheered her up: “I need to start and end my days always with you.”

He said the baby, because he would have stronger emotions for it and that the wife may not even be with him forever. He also added that it's easier to lose emotions for a spouse than his child

That's a deal breaker for me but I would like people's opinions.. Do you think that's a reason to leave the relationship ?

I [20F] really need advice. I feel disgusted, hurt, and honestly betrayed by my boyfriend [21M], and I don’t know what to do. I love him so much he feels like my other half but something happened tonight that I don't know if I can move past.

When we first started dating, I noticed his apartment was... dirty. Not just messy, but truly dirty. It always seemed like he did a super surface-level clean whenever I came over. I tried to be understanding he’s young, living alone for the first time, and I didn’t want to make him feel ashamed. I gave him grace and tried to be supportive, not judgmental.

But there were signs. Big ones.

I wasn’t allowed to shower at his place at first, and I didn’t understand why until one day I peeked behind the shower curtain. The tub was completely brown, covered in hair and grime. I was honestly disgusted. I told him how it made me feel and asked him to work on being cleaner. And he did. His bathroom has been spotless ever since.

There were other things: his dog used to pee and poop in the kitchen and he’d just wipe it up with paper towels. He would leave food out for days, the sink would pile up with dishes. I kept having conversations with him trying to be kind, constructive and most of all UNDERSTANDING and he really stepped up. He bought cleaning supplies, a mop, a gate for the dog, stopped leaving food out. Over time, his apartment completely transformed. He even got furniture, a real bed frame it actually looked really nice.

So, I started staying over more. He works night shifts, so I’d hang out, take care of the dog, sometimes see him during his lunch breaks. Everything felt okay... until I started noticing bugs at night. Roaches. I told him about it a month ago. He seemed surprised, downplayed it, but told me he cleaned everything, bought roach spray, the whole nine yards.

I hadn’t been to his place in a few weeks, and I came over tonight. The bathroom looked clean. But I saw a roach again, so I decided to wipe everything down just to sanitize everything bc it appeared to be clean. But then I opened the cabinet under the sink...

And I found plates of rotting food and bugs crawling everywhere.

I don’t know if I can explain the way I felt. Disgusted. Shocked. Betrayed. I packed all my stuff and left immediately. I couldn’t even think I just HAD to get out. When I called to tell him what I saw, he was clearly embarrassed and apologized a lot. He sounded genuinely upset. But idk if I can be understanding anymore.

It might sound a bit outlandish but yes you heard that correct. I have exams in 8 months that i really need to buckle down for, however my girlfriend is not helping. Ive shown this concern many times as im busy 5 days of the week and i need to at least start revision very very soon, if not right now. she is not nearly as busy as i am and shes beginning to distract me from my work and expects me to drop everything for her. I asked my mother about this and she said that my career is what keeps me stable and alive and therefore if im being severely held back then i should end things. i want to stay together with her because she makes me really happy but she needs to understand that i have to study but she keeps just coming over or spam messaging me, demanding attention and therefore i get literally nothing done. i take my studies and my career very seriously and its starting to jeopardise both. how would i go about bringing this up with her?

I’m [39F] looking for some outside perspective on a situation that’s been bothering me. My husband [31M] is a stay-at-home dad and handles all the school drop-offs and pick-ups for our son. Recently, I mentioned that one of the moms at the school texted me to grab coffee sometime. A few days later, my husband admitted almost reluctantly that he had brought her chocolates and cookies. He drove about 30 min to a speciality store and that's where he got them. He was buying other stuff for himself there as well. Oh, and I've never met her.

He said he was afraid she might mention it to me, so he confessed, but only after I brought her up. He apologized, but when I tried to have a deeper conversation about it, he got really angry and told me to just drop it. That reaction honestly made things feel worse.

Later, I casually spoke to another parent at the school and she mentioned (without me asking much) that he comes across as a very flirty guy. I had no idea people viewed him that way. I’m just feeling a mix of confusion, disappointment, and insecurity. He put effort into buying and delivering sweets to another woman who, by the way, is married with several kids. I don’t want to overreact, but I also don’t want to ignore something that feels off.

Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.

My fiance (32F) and I have been together for five years and we recently had an offer accepted on our first house in Somerville, MA so between the wedding, the mortgage and everything else she brought up getting a prenup.

I'll admit I wasn't excited about it I thought it would be awkward and kind of make it feel like we were planning for our marriage to fail but instead it turned into one of the best conversations we've had.

We talked about things we'd somehow never covered before what happens if one of us wants to stay home with kids for a few years how we'd handle money if one person's career changed a lot whether we'd help our parents financially if they needed it even what we'd want life to look like ten or fifteen years from now.

By the end of it the prenup almost felt like the least important part what mattered was realizing we weren't just assuming things anymore so we finally understood how the other person was thinking instead of filling in the blanks ourselves.

Now we're a few weeks away from closing on the house and I feel more confident about our future than I did before we ever had that conversation

TLDR: I expected bringing up a prenup to create tension, but it led to the most honest conversations we've had about money, family and our future and I feel more confident about our relationship because of it.

Hi everyone I really need help on what I should do here. So here it is I (39M) and my wife (46F) have been married for 8 years. We have 2 kids 10 and 7 both boys. I travel a lot for work, almost once a month I'm gone for 4-7 days but this last trip was for 2 weeks. I had a really big project with a client and it was a lot. I got back 1 days ago and when I did I was met by my wife standing outside waiting for me. Every time she meets me outside it means there's something she wants to discuss with me and doesn't want to do it in front of the boys. When I saw her I knew something was up but this time she was crying and telling me how much she loves me which put my guard all the way up. I immediately thought the worse. So I asked her if she had cheated. She promptly said NO, so I asked what's the issue. She told me why she has been almost NO CONTACT with her entire family, whom I've never met. All the time that we've been together I never questioned why she doesn't speak with them as I myself have no contact with my parents because of the trauma the inflicted on me and my older brother. We were taken from them when I was 5 and we were raised by my aunt and uncle. Years of neglect lies and abuse by my parents, when they did come around, made sure that I would keep them out of my life, so with that understanding I never wanted to pressure my wife into telling me her story. I figured she'd tell me when she wanted.

So here's what she explained. When my wife, let's call her Jane, was 14 she had a baby by a 17 almost 18 year old family friend, the son of her father's business partner. Jane's parents basically blamed her for seducing him and to save their reputation they hid the pregnancy from everyone and even pulled her from school to ensure no one would find out. They tried to force her to have an abortion but Jane was raised in that house with the life lesson that abortions are murder and she'd go to hell for doing so, so instead they forced her to put the baby up for adoption, a closed adoption. She explained that after she had the baby she held the baby girl for maybe 2 minutes before she was taken away never to hear about her again. Jane went through a deep depression for years. Jane went to college and while there she learned that her older sister, who knew of the situation, ended up marrying the guy who took advantage of her. When she confronted her family, they tried to gaslight her into thinking that she was being dramatic and making it all up. That's when she completely cut them all off. I asked her what made her want to tell me this now and she explained that the baby girl she had found her and reached out. The girl, I'll call her Marry (32), didn't know she was adopted until she was in college and eventually wanted to learn about her birth parents, but being that the adoption was closed didn't get anything until 2 years ago. She did one of those ancestry DNA things which she found a half sibling. So here's where things get really messed up. Marry reached out to Jane's family to connect and what they told her was that Jane had DIED giving birth to her and they didn't want to meet Marry cause it would be too painful. Jane's sister has always sent her a happy birthday text, which Jane never replied to. Those stopped 2 years ago, Jane never questioned why until now. When Marry couldn't find anything about Jane's death she hired a PI to find what she could.

Here's where I need some help. I'm not the best person with emotions. I give great hugs so my wife and kids tell me but this is on a different level. Jane has been both furious and hurt and has been having crying fits. I forgot to mention that Marry reached out to Jane through email, which is the only form she wants to communicate by for now. This has brought up so much stuff for Jane and I know she's going to need therapy I just don't know how to tell her or convince her at this moment. She also hasn't responded to Marry yet as she's freaking out on what she'll say to her AND neither of us know how to break it to our boys. I've also begged her to give me her family's information because there's a lot I feel needs to be said to them. Anyways please help me out with anything on how to approach this.

UPDATE: After another full day of emotions Jane did reach to Mary . She explained to Mary about her family and to make things short Jane explained how badly she wanted to be in Mary's life and Mary responded almost immediately. Mary said she'd like to get to know her but wanted to take things a bit slow so they're just emailing now. Jane is over the moon over everything right now. Mary is married with 3 kids, 12, 6 and 2. They live out in New Jersey where she works as nurse and her husband is a lawyer.

I was able to convince Jane to go back to therapy, both individual and couples. I'll also go to therapy individually as many of you suggested. We'll start looking for therapists next week but for now it's planning on hiw to tell our family about the situation. My brother and his wife are dropping the kids off tomorrow and we'll tell them then. I also have my aunt and uncle coming over as well as they're like Jane's surrogate parents too. So that's everything for now, things are OK and look to be getting better.

My friend goes through one scumbag boyfriend after another, she has horrible luck with guys. The last few months she hasnt dated anyone, which is odd for her, she hates being alone. My husband is a wonderful man, you couldnt ask for anyone better. She knows how happy he makes me and how awesome he it. I think maybe she's developed feelings for him, after all the crap she's dated I can see why she'd fall for someone she knows is a nice guy. I dont think she would ever try to "take" him or anything like that, it's just a little unsettling.

Lately whenever she wants to come over she's been asking me if my husband is working, what time he gets off, stuff like that and she only ends up coming over if he is here or going to be here soon. That's a new thing, she's never cared before if he was here or not. She also seems to be trying to get him alone (I admit this could just be my head messing with me), asking me to go out and get random stuff or asking him to drive her somewhere when normally she'd ask me. She's also been dressing up when she comes over. I'm used to seeing her in sweats and a T shirt but the last few months every time she comes over she's dressed like she's going on a hot date.

You guys think this could just be in my head or is it something I should worry about?

Sorry for any typos or grammar mistakes, I've been drinking.

Edit: oh and about a year ago we were all drunk and had a threesome.

I [22F] met my boyfriend [31M] around 6 months ago and we began officially dating about 2 months ago. He’s everything I’ve ever hoped and wished for in a partner; he’s very caring, romantic, sweet, and makes me feel the happiest and most stable I’ve ever felt with anyone. He spends a lot of his time and money reassuring me of how sure he is about making me his wife. We’re very compatible together and our life views and goals are perfectly aligned. He’s far along within his career job and offered to support me fully as I finish college and is eager to have a child together one day, which is one of my biggest goals in life. Everything about him is all I’ve ever begged for in my past relationships where I’ve never been made to feel so special to someone.

About a month and a half into us seriously dating, we decided to introduce each other to our families by taking a family day trip together. We reserved everyone’s tickets for Saturday and met up for dinner on Friday night. That night, he dropped a huge bomb on me knowing I couldn’t cancel our trip for the next day without causing a huge scene and confusion for both our families. He fills me in about the fact that he has 2 kids from 2 different woman. The children are 7 and 9 and the mothers have custody of them. He pays child support monthly and gets visitations with his kids every other week for 2 days. He explained that he was never married to his baby mamas and both relationships ended because he was cheated on both times. He said he doesn’t want this news to change anything between us because he’s very serious about our future together and he doesn’t want “stupid” decisions he made when he was way younger to ruin what we have.

I don’t have children and am very conflicted about whether or not I should stay with him. He makes me happy in ways I’ve never experienced before but I just don’t know how I can be a step mom. Its so hard to accept that he has ties to two other women for the rest of his life and that if I do have his child, he’d be responsible for 3 children at that point. Whenever I bring up these concerns to him, he says that this kind of family tree was normalized for him while growing up while I experienced a more stable family dynamic. My parents have stayed together their entire lives and have only had children with each other whereas my boyfriend has a lot of step and half siblings. He said he prefers that he has a bunch of different siblings from both sides of his parents and he says I’m just not used to that family dynamic. He reassures me his kids won’t make him love me any less and he proves that by making so much time for me despite his responsibilities outside our relationship. I just don’t know whether I should keep things going between us because I’m beyond happy with him and I know he’s not a bad person at all so it’s difficult for me to justify leaving him when he does everything he possibly can for me. I just don’t know how to accept the fact he has kids, every time he spends money on me I feel guilty because I feel like I’m taking it away from his kids. When we spend time together, I feel guilty because I feel like I’m taking time away from him spending it with his kids. He says I’ll get used to it but I can’t see my views changing and I don’t know if it’s because it’s still fresh for me. Would you stay with him if you were me?

I will keep this short and not get into too many details. My boyfriend [21F] and I [21F] have been dating for 3 years. We have been struggling lately due to a lot of things. cheating due to his acoholsm, mental health issues, emotional/physical ab*se. I have been a complete crash out these last couple of months due to these factors and my own issues with mental health. I’m now In therapy and doing much better but we are on a break because he couldn’t stand me anymore. I understand I haven’t been myself for a while.

Before the break I’ve set some boundaries and how I’m not comfortable with him exploring other people. I have no desire exploring others because I only want him and I love him.

He’s the one who initiated the break and Yes we are still in contact, he texts and calls me everyday. He agreed to the boundaries at first but now he’s in a different country to visit family and I have brought up this boundary again to him and he said to me quote on quote

“I’m sorry if this hurts you but I’m not going back on this” (the exploring others) “it’s summer time and I want to have fun. I like attention from other people even if it’s meaningless. I don’t want anyone else tho and I’m going to come back”

I have been crying for hours because our break is almost over and this came out of nowhere.I have yet to reply back to him after he said that

What would you guys do in a situation like this? please help

UPDATE‼️(thank you to everyone for listening and pouring into me.) Being with someone like this has made go crazy and question if there was something wrong with me for a long time, my confidence has been destroyed but you’ve all picked me up and guided me today. I’ve never had such a thing before and this meant a lot 🦋

UPDATE #2‼️ I know it hasn’t been long and I don’t want to get ahead of myself but I already feel happier and lighter since I’ve left this person. Yes I’m sad and I cry a lot but at the same time I don’t feel like I’m getting pulled towards him, more like just grieving what it was and what could’ve been if they took what we had serious. I feel myself being hopeful and it wasn’t at all as scary as it was in my head, leaving a 3 year long connection. I can’t wait to wipe the rest of these tears and see what all is there that’s in store for me and never look back. Thank you all again 🩷

TLDR: Bf wants to marry me because his visa is expiring. I don’t know if I’m ready. If I don’t do it, he says he’ll marry his coworker. I’m torn on what to do.

BF and I have been dating for less than a year. He’s international and his US visa is expiring in a few months. He’s floating the idea of marriage in order to stay in the country. We have both acknowledged that we’d want to get married at some point but that our relationship is not ready for that step so if we were to get married now, it would solely be for the visa.

I’m reluctant as I think it would strain our relationship and plus we live in different states so it would be hard to convince an immigration officer that this is a legitimate marriage. Also, he would need to stop working for a while and I’d need to live with him and support him financially. Truthfully, I don’t know if I want to take on that kind of responsibility.

When he realized I was reluctant, he told me that another girl (30F) from his work offered to marry him and he’s thinking of accepting. In his mind, that marriage would only be for the visa and we’d still continue dating. I don’t know how that would work seeing as they would be living together as a married couple.

I’m at a crossroads. On the one hand, I genuinely love and care for him and do see myself spending the rest of my life with him. On the other, I don’t think we are ready for marriage and I think doing it might land us in legal trouble. Also, I wouldn’t feel comfortable continuing the relationship if he married someone else. What can I do?

UPDATE: Just ended it.

‎Hi guys I know this is maybe too young to be in relationship for many of you but i have a story about my experience last night. I have a girlfriend and last night we called, talked until her female friend came. And when she got close to my girlfriend, it was weird because it seemed like they were in a relationship. I also saw her friend hands going everywhere on my gf's body. But my gf only care about it because she's pointing to her friend that I might see them, still at the end i saw them. My gf friend girl is like wild and i felt bad about it because that exact friend confessed to her that she like my gf, everytime they are always on my gf house because sometimes she was alone there. And what really destroyed my heart last night is when her friend is going to go out the room, they kissed and my gf looks happy. She thinks i did not see them but i do, i even dropped a joke about the kiss i saw but she said they didn't. I was like damn is she trying to make me stupid by saying that they did not kiss in front of me. I really want to say anything to what i felt last night, she already knows i changed the way i talk last night, she knows what really happened. However, it felt like it was my fault...she doesn't even reassure me for what happened or even say sorry about it. Damn i'm cooked guys. SORRY because this is my first time experiencing this on my relationship. I don't know what to do. I know i had a mistake for not saying those to her, i just did not say it because she don't really care. I'm dumb as fck. Sorry again guys and sorry for my english too. Are my feelings valid?

My boyfriend and I have been dating for just over a year now and he recently took me to meet his family. He has been estranged from his parents for a while due to them not approving when he came out as gay, and he only really got back in touch with them in the past couple of months, so it was a really big deal when he decided to introduce me to them. When we arrived at his parents place his mum welcomed us and she was very lovely, but as we walked into the loungeroom I met his father. When I was younger (23) I worked as an escort for a few years to help me when I was studying at University, I had mostly one off and random customers but I also had a few regulars. His father was one of them. He had hired me at least once a fortnight for 2 years, normally booking for 2-3 hours at a time so we had spent a lot of time together. When he saw me he went noticibly pale, and the atmosphere got super awkward. My boyfriend and his mum didn't notice and she proceeded to give us a tour of the house. When dinner was ready my boyfriend went to help his mum with playing up and left me alone with his father. He immediately told me to not tell anyone, and also told me he wanted me to leave his son, but I said I wouldn't and that he didn't really have any sway because I had all the evidence (he sent me many photos of himself and he even recorded us a couple of times). The rest of dinner was ok, his mum asked a lot about my life and his father stayed silent. After dinner we left and my boyfriend apologised for his father, saying he usually wasn't so quiet but blamed it on him being uncomfortable with out relationship, which he wasn't wrong. I want to tell my boyfriend about everything but I don't know how to bring it up or how to say it the right way. He knows I used to be an escort and he's ok with it, but I don't know how he'll react to me having slept with his father.

EDIT FOR UPDATE:

The day after I posted this I decided to tell him the truth, I was considering not telling him but I couldn't sleep or eat properly and I just felt sick. I sat him down and said to him that when I worked as an escort his father was one of my regular clients. He thought I was joking at first but when is tarted crying he realised I wasn't. He was silent for a while before he said that he needed some space and time, barely looking at me as he packed a bag and left. Over the next couple of days I had messaged him and tried calling but I never got a response. Finally on Friday night he came home and said we needed to talk. I expected him to tell me that he wanted to split, I was already prepared for that and had spent the past few days packing up a bunch of my stuff so that I could leave as easily as possible. Instead he pulled me in and hugged me tight before he started sobbing, I started crying to and we sat there for what felt like forever before we both calmed down.

When he was able to talk he said that he loved me more than anyone else and even with this he couldn't see a future for himself that I wasn't in. He told me that he doesn't blame me and that it isn't my fault at all, he also said that he's going to be confronting his father because his mum deserves better than what he's done to her. We've spent this weekend discussing our next steps, were going to go to therapy because he's feeling uncomfortable with intamcy which is totally understandable. We haven't told his mum yet and we don't know how it's going to play out but we're optimistic for our own relationship for now. Thanks for all the opinions and advice people gave, it really helped me get the courage to tell and I guess this is the best case scenario for now.

My husband and I have been married for 7 years and together for 10 years. Last year he decided to start stretching his ears and I was completely honest with him - I didn't like the idea because I thought the majorly stretched ears were gross. We talked for a while and he said he would never go past "the point of no return" which is the size that you can go back down from. He said this was about the size of a dry erase marker and showed me some pictures. It wasn't as bad as I thought. So I was supportive as he started stretching.

However, after he reached his goal size, he didn't stop. This first time he sized up after reaching the size he told me he would stop at, I was honestly really mad. I felt like we had an agreement and he was breaking it. But he told me I was overreacting and it was no big deal. The next few sizes I kept getting upset, but it didn't change anything, so I stopped saying anything. I really tried to just get used to it, because he really likes the way it looks. I even bought him a few really nice pairs of tunnels and plugs that inevitably went in the trash because he went up a size.

Last week he sized up again. Now on top of it being wide he's started wearing these big plugs that hang out the back of his ear and are like an inch and a half across in the front. Honestly I think it looks weird. But last night he shaved his head too and it just looks so obvious now. I've never been so unattracted to my husband.

My husband and I put a lot of importance in honesty and communication so I told him that I was startled by how big they are now and was worried that I would stop finding him attractive if he keeps going bigger. I really don't know how to move forward if he keeps going bigger. I love my husband. I would never leave him over the appearance of his ears. But I don't want to look at him and think he looks gross.

Tldr; My husband stretched his ears to a point that I am becoming unattracted to him and I'm not sure what to do.

I would appreciate advice on getting over my gross feelings toward stretched ears or advice on talking to my husband without being controlling.

Any advice?

Edit: Well, no helpful advice to be found but I appreciate everyone's attempt. But I'll a few things that people seem to have gotten wrong. Attraction isn't an on/off switch, yes I'm less attracted to him because of it, yes I think his ears are starting to look gross, no I don't think he is gross and repulsive. As I said in my post, how his ears look are never going to prevent me from loving him. Marriage isn't that shallow. It's a decision to love the other person every day for the rest of your life. Also other people assumed he was a normie to start with, he isn't, he's covered in tattoos and has been for a while. Shaving his head was also fairly normal, he does it at least once a year or so. I love his alt look. It's just ear stretching that I find gross, and he used to as well. But people change.

I’m 26F and my boyfriend is 29M. We’ve been together about a year and a half and are discussing engagement, marriage, and eventually living together. We’re also in couples counseling.

Something he said in our last session has been bothering me, and I’m trying to figure out whether I’m interpreting it too negatively.

We were talking about finances, where we’d eventually live, and what marriage would actually look like. My boyfriend said he wants to marry me and live with me, but then said that continuing to live alone is becoming “financially difficult for me” and “progressively difficult” at his current income. I asked what he meant.

He explained that living alone and paying for everything himself is difficult. He said that when he imagines our future, living together isn’t only an emotional or relational desire for him, but also a “logical financial desire” because we could “share the burden together.”

Our therapist stopped and asked him whether he was saying there was a financial benefit \\\*to him\\\* from living with me. She asked me whether that was how it sounded to me, and I said yes.

He clarified that he didn’t mean that living with me was desirable simply because it was financially advantageous to him. He said he meant that living together would hopefully be financially advantageous for both of us.

The therapist then reframed it more as the normal financial efficiency of combining two households.

I was still pretty quiet and skeptical, and my boyfriend then said he was feeling insecure because he felt like assumptions were being made about his motivations.
There’s some previous context that is making this hit differently for me. Over our relationship he has jokingly called me the breadwinner after I got a promotion, joked about me pulling up in a future Lexus to pick him up, and once joked about dreaming of an older woman taking care of him after he saw it in an old Hollywood movie.

He has his own job and supports himself. I am \\\*not\\\* worried that he intends to quit working and have me pay for everything.

What I’m actually wondering is whether he sees me as a financial resource in a more subtle way. Ie that one meaningful part of the appeal of marrying/living with me is that my income would make his own financial life significantly easier. He doesn’t know my exact salary but knows I make more than him; plus I live in a very “wealthy” town a little over an hour away from him (I’m still living with family). He brought up the proposal and what rings I wanted in the same conversation after I told him I wouldn’t cohabitate unless we were married. That was about six months ago.

Given everything that’s happened recently, I’ve started to question the relationship. I’m not sure how to move forward and could use some advice on how I can be more discerning and what next steps I should take?

——

UPDATE: I forgot to mention, but he told me once that a woman from church offered him an unofficial scholarship if he kept good grades. He did the first semester, then slipped the second semester but still told her he got good grades and accepted the money when she gave it to him. He told me he figured it was OK because he was just taking money from a rich person, although he later felt bad about it after she passed away. He considers it the worst thing he’s ever done.

——

UPDATE 9/20: Asked him for hard numbers and he is in… ~40k credit card debt and ~40k student loan debt. And he insists that he wants to live with me because he wants to be around me, and that outside of shared living expenses, my money would be mine (supposedly).

——

TLDR: My boyfriend said in couples therapy that living alone is becoming financially difficult for him and that the prospect of living with me is partly a “logical financial desire” because we could “share the burden.” He has also made financial jokes before like calling me his “breadwinner” after I got a promotion, or pointing at a paint chip called “lap of luxury” and saying that’s his nickname for me. I’m not sure how to move forward and could use some advice on how I can be more discerning and next steps I should take?

My girlfriend and I are both college students and have been dating for a year. We have very different financial situations, and I’m starting to wonder whether splitting everything 50/50 is actually fair.

I pay for my own tuition, housing, food, and basically all of my expenses. I work a minimum wage job during the summers to save money for the school year. My parents take care of me when I’m home during breaks, but during the school year I’m financially responsible for myself.
My girlfriend has never worked and comes from generational wealth. Her dad pays for her tuition and other major expenses, and he also gives her an additional $25,000 every semester for her own expenses. She generally expects us to split things 50/50, and sometimes she expects me to pay 60%. She also really enjoys going on weekend vacations/trips and expects me to split those costs 50/50. The problem is that these aren’t expenses I would normally choose to make because I’m trying to save enough money to cover my tuition, housing, food, and other necessities throughout the semester.

I’ve tried explaining that I don’t think her money is “worth less” just because it comes from her dad. She says that even though her dad gives her the money, it’s still her money, and $100 is still $100. I understand that argument. I’m not saying her money is worth less. My argument is that the financial impact of spending that $100 is different for each of us. If I spend $100, I’m spending money that I personally worked to save and need for my education and living expenses. If she spends $100, her tuition and major expenses are already covered, and she has a significant amount of additional money available to her.

I’m not expecting her to pay for everything just because she’s wealthier. I just don’t think I should be expected to spend money on frequent weekend vacations and other things that aren’t necessary for me simply because she wants to do them and expects us to split them 50/50.

At the same time, I don’t want to use her family’s wealth as an excuse to make her pay for everything. So what should I do?

TLDR: my girlfriend expects 50/50 even though our financial situations are different.

Update:

Since this post has made its way to r/redditonwiki/ (this cry for help has turned into by far the most engaged-with thing I have ever published anywhere) it has gotten some renewed attention, so I think an update is in order.

- Do I hate women/what about my post history/etc:

No I do not hate women. I went through a toxic redpill phase years ago. It's difficult to date exactly, but would have been circa 2013-2017-ish. Weirdly enough it was actually my wife who introduced me to those content creators and we used to watch "big thinkers" like Sargon of Akkad together. We have both since moved away from that sphere and the toxic mindsets that come along with it, and although I am not proud of my post history from that time, it doesn't define who I am today.

- On the topic of divorce:

I've outright asked my wife on several occasions whether she would prefer to move on by herself, with the understanding that I would still significantly financially contribute (I am the main breadwinner so it wouldn't be fair to take that material security away from her just because I'm an idiot). She has been and remains consistent that she doesn't want that. She wants things to improve, but is not looking for a divorce.

- Where are we now:

I now have a small team of psychologists and psychiatric professionals and am going through treatment for my set of diagnoses, childhood trauma and all of the stuff that comes along with that, which I am not going to go into detail about here, since this is the internet after all. I am also now medicated for the ADHD which in itself makes a world of difference. I now suddenly have much more mental bandwidth available to actually listen to and understand the things other people say. Although empathy is still very much a conscious cognitive process for me, not unlike doing math, I am now much better able to understand other people's perspectives and emotions.

I'm absolutely not there yet, and things like being tired, overstimulated or stressed still massively impact my newfound abilities, but but I'm making progress both on the empathy front itself, and in recognizing when I'm cognitively limited by things like tiredness and stress, and I'm learning to then adjust my behaviour accordingly.

What I will say is that I have been learning a lot about myself, my way of thinking, and my approach to others. I have also been learning things about other people, mostly getting to know my wife better as the person she is as opposed to the image I had formed in my head. Fortunately, I like the person she is, more than the image I had formed in my head, so that's good.

I have also been making a conscious effort to support my wife any way I can, including small things like making her breakfast, taking over chores and mental load, to bigger things like gifts and a weekend away to see a major award-winning musical, with the best seats in the theatre. I'm also making more of an effort to support her in her own pursuits such as her own hobbies.

We are certainly not out of the woods yet, and there will have to be much healing, and I have a lot more work ahead of me still, but we're trending in an upwards direction for the first time in a long time, and we're both happier for it.

- Comments about Dutchness

I don't think there is anything particularly Dutch or un-Dutch about my post. There are good men in the Netherlands, and there are absolute pieces of excrement as well. I'm somewhere in the middle, currently on the wrong side of the center, but working to move towards the good end of the spectrum.

As I've been learning more about myself, empathy and especially feminism and gender roles, I would say my post is more "typical male" than "typical Dutch". Yes, the Dutch have a reputation for being direct, but that doesn't make the Dutch any more or less empathetic than any other nationality, we just like clear and efficient communication, and we have relatively thick skin when compared to some other cultures. That's neither good not bad, it's simply a symptom of worldwide cultural diversity.

- A point about men.

However, I've come to learn that it is very typical for men to not really see women as full-fledged humans, much like a lot of people don't see children as real humans either. My previous psychologist, a white divorced father in his. 50s who "likes to believe he has a very good relationship with his adult kids" is a good example of this, and the 9 months of therapy I did with him in 2024 (this before my diagnoses as he "didn't need a diagnosis to treat me") did more harm than good.

Fortunately I now have a gender-diverse psych team, who are being much more helpful and much less enabling and ego-stroking than the old guy.

Having said that, although I have definitely held misogynistic beliefs, the situation is not so much gendered for me. I say that because I've also never really seen other men as real humans. Really I've been living in a worldview along the lines of "I am the main character and everybody else is an npc", which is definitely not good, but not gendered. Equal opportunity shittyness, so to speak.

In surface-level relationships that's not really been an issue because I know what things to say to make people respond well, much like a conversation in ES4 Oblivion goes much better if you know how to play the minigame; you don't need to empathize with the NPC to have a successful conversation. This did, however, pose a problem in more intimate relationships where I actually care about the other person, most notably my marriage, since I do actually care about her happiness and well-being, even though I never quite understood what that meant at a deeper level.

Learning about empathy and grasping the depths of other people around me has been and remains to be difficult, but as mentioned above, I'm making progress, treating people better and feeling better as a result. I'm not there yet, and the relationship with my wife hasn't healed yet, but things are improving, and I intend to keep moving in the right direction, absorbing setbacks as I encounter them, and growing towards the future. We're both only 34, so with the average life expectancy for our age bracket being in the early 80s, we could have another 50 years together. In that light, the first 15 become much less "big and intimidating" and I will not let the first ~25% of our relationship (which definitely wasn't all bad) ruin the remaining 75%.

Onwards and upwards, as they say.

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Original post:

I'm a 34 year old Dutch guy. I've been together with my wife (34F) for almost 15 years, we have lived together almost all of that and been married for almost 9 years. We have two children under 6 years old.

I've "cognitively" known for a long time that other people have feelings and emotions and those will influence the way they act. However, it wasn't until some time over the past couple weeks or so was that I genuinely "understood" what that means, at least in a small part.

This came to be because, when I feel sad/tired/whathaveyou I will sometimes be crabby or otherwise act unpleasantly towards people around me. I then expect those people to understand that I'm just not feeling well in that moment, and expect them to give me space to act like that without judgement. However, I recently realised I do not grant the same liberty to other people, most of all my wife.

This realization came when I was doing something on the floor in the hallway of our house. My 5-year old needed to unpack his school lunch bag, and to do so he had to pass by me, but I effectively blocked the path. He told me to get out of the way, and did so in a bit of an annoyed fashion. I was about to tell him off for talking like that when I caught myself, and realised that he was talking like that because he'd had a long day at school, now had to do a chore he had no interest in doing and on top of that I was blocking his path. In his stead, I would also have been annoyed and short in my way of talking. So instead of telling him off, I just moved over and let him pass.

At that point something "clicked" in my mind: I have been expecting other people, my wife most of all, to give me space and understanding, without me ever returning the favour. Although I am still trying to come to grips with this whole thing and the consequences, just logically speaking this must mean I have always neglected my wife's needs and emotions. I know she has often told me I was doing so, but I never really understood why because my answer would usually be something along the lines of "I'm trying my best and also I always get your drinks for you from the fridge so really I don't understand why you can't see how hard I work". (Not exactly in those words obviously, but that was mostly the gist of it).

---

There is a lot more that I couldn't possibly explain in a single post like this, but suffice to say our relationship is not in a good place right now. My wife has effectively lost all hope that I am capable of change, growing or understanding, and frankly I cannot blame her.

This does mean that discussions about this topic are inherently emotional and difficult, and if she gets upset during an emotional discussion (which she should be allowed to do) I have a tendency to panic, shut down, or argue against her emotions. None of those things are helpful.

---

So really what I am struggling with, and what I could really use some advice for:

- How can I explore and understand the consequences of my neglecting her over the past decade-and-a-half?

- How can I learn more about my wife's needs without flooding her with a bunch of questions she most likely won't know the answer to in a bite-sized package?

- How to have a productive conversation about this without becoming overwhelmed, panicking or arguing?

- How can I support my wife in dealing with all this?

- What resources are available for me to learn more about all this?

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I'm aware that this is not going to be an overnight fix, and to undo 15 years of damage may very well take another 15 years, but I would still really like to do whatever I can to improve the situation. I just don't really know what.

I am also acutely aware that I cannot change the past, which is one thing, but I'm not really sure what to do to positively affect the future and hopefully heal our relationship.

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Potentially relevant background info:

Last October I was diagnosed with Autism spectrum disorder as well as ADHD. I'm currently working with a psychiatrist to medicate the ADHD, but not yet at a point where the meds work to their full potential. I'm on a waiting list for therapy for the ASD part. My wife also has been diagnosed with ASD as an adult, albeit much earlier than me, around 22-23 years of age. We suspect she probably also has ADHD but she hasn't been formally diagnosed with that yet.

Update:
Today my partner came home from work and I decided to ask him directly whether he was genuinely unsure about wanting children, or whether he actually knew he wanted children and was afraid to end the relationship because of it.

He admitted that he is actually certain that he wants children. He also said he is certain that this desire will still be there in 5 years-10 years time. He told me that the idea of ending our relationship is heartbreaking for him because he knows how painful this is for me and how much it hurts both of us.

I told him that if he has a genuine desire to have children, then we already know what we need to do, no matter how painful it is. I also realized that there is no real alternative left for me either. Even in the best-case scenario where he would have changed his mind and told me he no longer wanted children and wanted to choose me instead, I don't think I could trust him. I know myself. I would spend the rest of my life wondering whether he secretly regretted that decision, whether he was unhappy, and whether he was hiding those feelings from me to protect me. I would constantly question whether he was truly okay with giving up something so important.

I also believe that I would become hypervigilant. Every time we would se children or families, I would have found myself analyzing his reactions and trying to figure out whether his desire for having children had returned. I would be looking for signs that he had changed his mind again. In short, the trust is gone.

Because of that, we have decided to end the relationship. We have already started discussing how we can separate as friends and handle practical matters such as the house as respectfully as possible.

I have been crying almost continuously since writing my previous post, so right now I am mostly hoping to find some peace and acceptance in all of this. I am sure I will come back to this post a lot in the future :').

TLDR: I asked my partner directly if he truly wants children. He said he is certain he does, now and in the future. We both realized there is no compromise, and even if he changed his mind, I wouldn't be able to trust it. We have decided to end the relationship and separate as amicably as possible. Thank you all for your support.

So I won't go into crazy detail but I'll try and keep it brief.

Me (29f) and my husband (34m) have been together for 12 years. When we met I was a teenager. My body was naturally skinny and in fact I'd say I was tiny. I look back and I really felt like I looked like I had a child's body.

Now I'm 29, I'm 5'8, and 70kg, 154 pounds. I am within healthy BMI but since marriage my husband has been asking me to lose weight.

It started small. Saying jeans didn't suit me because I had a tummy. Saying a dress doesn't sit well on me. That my t-shirt is too tight. Yes I have a belly but I must reiterate I am a healthy weight for my height and age so I know this is purely visual.

He's never said he's concerned for my health, only that he's a very visual person, that he wants me to be the best version of myself, that he didn't sign up to our relationship and marriage for this much weight gain and I need to be in my fittest form so when I have kids I can bounce back.

I was SHOCKED by this revelation. It was like the rug was pulled from beneath me. I stood up for myself eventually and told him how much these words hurt and he told me he's being honest and that he'd expect me to be just as honest with him. He said he has no empathy and that he's basically doing me a kindness by telling me I need to take better care of myself.

I don't take divorce lightly and I'm really scared and worried what it entails. I honestly thought my life would be spent with him. I thought we would have kids and I'm grieving the person I thought I knew and the life I thought I'd have.

I have even asked me if he's happy in this relationship and if he's attracted to me and he said yes.

He withholds intimacy too and says if he gives me too much compliments and intimacy it will lose its meaning or I'll get egotistical.

Honestly with all the fat shaming he's done I really need those words and actions of affirmation more than ever. He agreed to stop calling me fat but I can't help but think he still thinks I am, even if he doesn't say it. He said he was being honest. And he hasn't done anything to show me he loves my body which would counteract those bad words in my eyes. I don't know what to do.