i’m 24 now and my trauma goes back to when i was in my early teens. I think i was able to make peace with the whole thing when i was in my late teens and things have genuinely been going well but I suddenly had this flashback and now i can’t remove the thing out of my head again.
I really thought i had the whole thing past me. it hasn’t crossed my mind for a year or two now but getting that sudden flashback was really spooky.
Does it ever stop?

F27 hi, I’m dating 27m for a year now. I’m usually attracted to narcissists, and boys who don’t like me, so when my bf confessed he wants to be with me (we’ve known each other for 2 years. We smoke weed and hangout, but I never really liked him. He’s soft and not my type but physically my type thought idk why I can’t appreciate him ) for a year I picked a lot of fights with him, til he finally hit me, slapped me and pushed me (I didn’t mind because it was my fault) I’m incredibly jealous of his past and I’m afraid he’s just fucking around with me (I’m insecure, and I have to do a lot of healing after being a mistress for 5 years and I didn’t even know.i didn’t value myself, or had a hobby. I was an alcoholic) when we got together I stopped drinking, I really lost it, became delusional trying to keep up with everything I think I was when I was drunk, but the performance had to end and now it just irritates me, pressures me, and I hate myself for it. I left my daughter to my parents because of my anger issues and I take it out on her, it scared me, I ran away, I hurt myself instead by self harm and drinking. Now im realizing all of that thanks to my partner who stayed by me, even tho i doubt him everyday, i doubt myself and I can’t commit to anything, he stayed. But I feel bad already, i feel useless, and resentful. I can’t forgive my past (I’ve been sexually abused when i was a child, harassed by my cousin, got lured by money when i was in highschool by an old man, porn addiction and alcohol cigs since I was in grade school. I grew up way too fast and now I feel like I regressed and became so immature. I do daily exercise but I’m usually sleepy, I don’t have any income and live with my parents if not with my partner. And I don’t like being with him, I can’t feel happy or genuine intimacy, I just admire what he does but I feel resentful. I’m fu—ed up, I’m trying to change but I try too hard and get depressed. I don’t have money anymore that my parents gave me, I look like shit, I have a lot of scars and my tattoo meant I’m a btch, my ex did them for free, it was a substitute for wrist and leg cutting. So my bf now I can’t treat him right, I want to leave, but same time I can’t because I feel like I can be present tomorrow, I can love him tomorrow, but it never came. All that stayed is my shame, as a partner, as a mom, as a human being. I accuse myself for being a narc, arrogant, and selfish. I’ve been given opportunities but I threw them away, I didn’t know how to value anything even myself. I know I can’t be helped, but I just want to vent because I still don’t know if I love him, or love the idea that I have this great guy and I’m a loser. I have never loved anyone, not my family, friends. All I had was obsessions and validation seeking, even now this is how I feel sharing this. I can’t develop any real relationship- anyone ever felt like this? How did you turn it around? Should I leave my partner?

I know people who have been SA or raped but I don't know anyone who has gone through it as many times as i have. Almost every night i end up wondering what's wrong with me, whether i somehow unconsciously seek this kind of thing out bc otherwise i genuinely don't understand how it can keep happening to me over and over again.
I've been abused my whole life and it feels like it never really stopped.

When i was a kid, my uncle sexually abused me until i was 15. It took me years to understand what was actually happening because everyone acted like they didn't see anything. When i finally talked about it, part of my family turned their backs on me. Some of them even told me that i must have provoked it or that i was a liar.

Later at a high school party, two drunk guys tried to sexually assault me. I managed to fight them off and get out of the apartment, leaving my jacket behind. So i ended up alone in the street in the middle of the night, crying. without my jacket in the middle of winter.

Then i met my first love. At first he was kind and caring but he eventually became toxic, sometimes violent, and raped me several times during our relationship. Sometimes i said no and he would hurt me. Other times i would just freeze because i was scared. Afterwards i'd curl up in bed next to him and cry but i stayed because i loved him.

After two years i finally managed to leave him, so my best friend invited me over for a night to cheer me up. That night he raped me while i was asleep. i woke up completely paralyzed with fear and didn't say anything. He later told me he thought i was awake.

During my first year of college i let a friend stay at my place because he had no way of getting home. That night i woke up and he was on top of me, rubbing his erection against my stomach. I tried to push him away but i froze again when he moaned against my neck. I let him do it. I saw his face in my nightmares for MONTHS and i would regularly wake up crying.

And thats not even getting into all the people who harassed me in middle and high school line that one guy who threatened to rape me or the guy who followed me all the way home just to get my number and hit me with 2 of his friends when i told him no or the older guy in middle school who pinned me against a wall and touched my crotch.

There have been so many things like this that sometimes i feel like it never really stopped.
Every psychologist and psychiatrist ive ever seen has told me it wasn't my fault. Everyone tells me that. And yet when something like this happens to someone else im ALWAYS the first person to think the exact same thing: it is never the victim's fault. So why can't i believe that when it comes to me?

I can't sleep without having nightmares anymore and i think about all of this every single day. The more i think about it, the more i wonder why this happened to me so many times. Why me? What's wrong with me? Do i somehow give off signals without realizing it that make certain people think they can do this to me? i feel guilty about everything. For not fighting back sometimes, for freezing, for not saying anything, for not being able to defend myself.
Rationally i know i did nothing wrong. I know i had nothing to blame myself for. But emotionally i just can't seem to believe it.

I’m not really sure where to start, but I’ve been holding this in for about a month, and I genuinely don’t know who to talk to. I’m scared to tell anyone because I’m afraid they won’t believe me, especially because of the circumstances surrounding what happened.

About a month ago, I was sexually assaulted and raped by one of my cousin’s friends. What makes this even harder is that this wasn’t some random stranger. He’s been around my family for years.
It started as a warm, fun night. My cousin and I were hanging out for the holidays, and we decided to play a drinking game called Flip the Tag. Basically, you flip over a sticky note, and it either tells you to do something or tells you how many shots to take. I ended up being the drunkest person there. I’m more of a smoker than a drinker, and this was only my second time drinking.
My cousin’s friend, who I’ll call Daniel, was the only sober person there. Since I was too intoxicated to drive and my phone was dead, I asked him if he could take me home. I even offered to give him gas money. He agreed.
At some point, I fell asleep in the car because I was so intoxicated. I remember waking up to him rubbing my thigh. I pushed his hand away, and he stopped. But after some time, I realized we had passed my apartment complex. My house was literally only about three miles away, and I told him we had passed it. He ignored me and continued driving.
About 20 minutes later, he stopped at a long, rural driveway. That’s when everything happened.
He forced himself on top of me and raped me. He’s a much bigger man, probably around 186–200 pounds, and I’m a small-framed woman. I tried to resist the best I could, but I couldn’t physically overpower him. While he was assaulting me, he was making comments about how beautiful I was and how nice my body looked while touching me.
Afterward, he dropped me off about 10 minutes from my house. I had to walk the rest of the way home. It took me approximately 35 minutes to get there.
When I finally got home, all I could do was get in the shower and scrub my body. I sat underneath the water trying to process what had just happened. I honestly didn’t know what else to do.
A few days later, I started experiencing an uncomfortable burning sensation in my genital area. It felt like somebody was digging their fingernail into me. I went to the doctor, and I eventually found out I had HSV-2.
I can’t even explain what that did to me emotionally. I was already trying to process being raped, and now I was dealing with a diagnosis I never expected. I felt disgusted, hurt, angry, and confused. I still do.
What makes everything harder is that I barely know this man. I know his first name, and that’s about it. He’s older than me, and he’s been around my family for years. My family isn’t particularly close or family-oriented, so we aren’t around each other often. I don’t even know whether he has children or much about his personal life.
I keep going back and forth about whether I should report him. I’m scared nobody will believe me. I’m scared people will question why I was drinking at such a young age, why I got in the car with him, why I didn’t do more to fight him off, or why I waited to say anything.
And I’m also struggling with the fact that I don’t know whether I can even prove what happened.
I haven’t told many people, and honestly, I’m scared to let anybody know. I don’t want to be judged, blamed, or treated differently.
I guess I’m posting here because I need to get this off my chest and hear from people who might understand what I’m going through.
Has anyone been through something similar? How did you find the courage to tell someone or report it? Is it too late to report something that happened a month ago, especially when I barely know the person who did it?
I don’t even know what I’m looking for by posting this. I just know I’m hurting, I’m scared, and I don’t want to keep carrying this by myself.

Men and women I need some mental help and advice.

Me and my girlfriend are both 18. It's been 4 months for our relationship. 2 months ago she told me the half thing. She just said she was tried to be "raped". The reason is valid. She was scared wheather I will still choose her? What will I think of her? Thats the reason she told her half thing.

A month earlier she took the courage and told me the entire thing that she was raped when she was 14 by her uncle. I mean in detail. How everything happened.

Right now the relationship didn't change a bit. Tbh I got even close to her. I choosed her. Accepting everything. I love her.

Along these four years she has healed herself to a point. She picked herself up. Built her character which I am proud of.

The reason of this post is my mental health. Here's what's happening:

I have been crying for a whole month everyday when she is not around. As if it happened with me. My heart actually pains physically. My body shivers. Not because I am weak but more like I love her deeply and it's hard for me to move on. Practically I have accepted it.

I feel deep anger, sorrow, pain, my heart boils with love and care when I remember it. I take her in my arms and don't let her go for several minutes. It hurts me. My poor baby. Her uncle is comes and goes into the house. No one knows this. My heart pains very much when everytime he comes to meet her mom.

My brain plays the entire thing like a movie. It visualises the screams she told about. It visualises how he did it. In what position. How he got her pregnant and then gave her pill after two month. She was pregnant with his baby for 2 month. My brain doesn't leave me alone.

I cry in silence alone, the reason is I can't tell her. I can't make her remind it. I just can't take it anymore.

Guys he reason is I want to be strong. I want to be person who heals her more. For that I need to heal myself. Idk what to do. Everytime I am alone and she is not infront of eyes. My brain remembers, it visualises it nonstop. Feels like I am possessed by demon who keeps tormenting me. I want to be healed so I can heal her more. I can give her the life she desires. I love her, I accept her for what she is and what she is been.

Yes I am not the first person to take her virginity. ( She still considers me the first). Yes I am not the father of her first kids. But I love her.

Guys please help me to heal out of this. I can't express this to her, she doesn't know I have been crying for a month. I can't tell as it remainds her everything. She gets panic attack.

Our relationship is amazing. Out sexual life is amazing. She never let her past affect us. She never let if affect my sexual desires. But everytime we have intercourse it haunts me.

Guy I wanna heal. For her, for us. To enrich our relationship. Please help me out her and tell me how to myself

There was an incident on Thursday night. I was confused and wasn’t sure of what had happened.

After work on Friday, I called police to and went to the hospital. I still thought I was just being dramatic, but part of me knew I wasn’t.

I was catatonic the whole time I was in the hospital. I thought I was fine, I thought the forensic tests would be okay. I was so surprised at how my body was reacting. I just needed someone to tell me what happened, but no one would confirm my experience for me.

I finally spoke to the police, and I asked them to tell me what charges they’d be looking at. Sexual Assault (potentially multiple counts) and minimum 3 counts of rape.

Police drove me home from the hospital yesterday, and today I went to the station to finish my statement.

I’m so confused at how my body is reacting. I’m just staring into space constantly, crazy hot flushes that feel like my skin in burning from the inside, dizziness, patchy memory of the hospital and everything since I got home that night, just kind of mindless?

I still also feel okay and like it never happened, but the second there’s a direct trigger - I’m gone.

Is this normal? How do I work through this?

Also, TMI question maybe… it was without a condom. I have an IUD and haven’t had a period for nearly a decade. I didn’t opt for emergency BC as I was worried the hormones would make this so much harder, and the chances are extremely low.

But I’ve been having weird discharge since yesterday? I’ve not really experienced that from (consensual) sex. I’ll talk to the appropriate healthcare providers when I have the opportunity, but I’m just curious what this could be from?

Like almost a pale pink for some of it, others a brown.

Has anyone experienced that?

My neighbour assaulted me last month, whilst I was blackout drunk. I chose to not report it straight away for several reasons but mainly due to the repercussions of the street if word got out. It’s a very cliquey street and I knew it would cause animosity and make not only my life uncomfortable but his mums and family that also live on the street. However I recently decided to report it as word got out on the street anyway and it appeared that now the only person I was protecting from anything was him.

The thing is I don’t want to press charges, I don’t want to go to court, I’m not even sure I want to write a statement but I do want him speaking to, I want to report on his record and I want him to know what he did was 🍇 and was absolutely not okay. I’ve sent the police videos of how drunk I was that night and doorbell footage of us getting back to mine, and a message from him kind of admitting what he did and apologising for his part in it and it being wrong. Does anyone know if I have to do anything more for the police to talk to him or if I don’t want to take it any further will they just make a note of it but not talk to him?

I said no like 20 times and gave in the end last night. Then this morning I said no again same thing happened then I really had to be forceful with saying stop and he did but he was so angry at me

i think my boyfriend just raped me

i (21F) and my bf (25M) have been dating for 3 years. we recently moved in together and have been going through some relationship issues since (not directly related to the move).

before we lived together, when we spent the night together he would like to wake me up during the middle of the night during sex. i loved it! i have a cnc kink and thought it was super hot.

now that we live together and are having issues, i am also having issues with my health and specifically my sleep, i have asked him to stop doing this. i prioritize my sleep and it was no longer pleasurable to me and just made me annoyed, anxious, and felt super selfish of him. i have told him to stop doing this at least three separate times, telling him im setting a boundary and that i want us to have aggressive sex, just when i am fully awake and present to remember it.

the last two times (including tonight) that this has happened, he claims that i am touching him up during my sleep and that i am the one initiating the sex. there is no way that this is happening, i may be cuddling him or maybe i am pushing/moving around, but i have no recollection of being touchy with him until i wake up and his cock is inside of me already.

tonight, it was really bad and as i started gaining consciousness and waking up, i started crying and trying to push him off of me. he was very aggressive and kept pulling me back into him, holding my arms, slapping me a bit, etc. it took all of my strength to use my feet and kick him off of me and run to the restroom. i was a sobbing mess.

he was being very apologetic and emotional because he was so sorry that he didn’t realize he was hurting me. i ended up having him sleep on the couch because i couldn’t stop crying and i genuinely didn’t want him near me.

currently im laying in bed trying to regather myself and figure out what the hell im going to do.

He raped me so many times without a condom and came in me and I eventually got pregnant from it and of course he blamed everything on me and said that I’m ruining not only his life but my life and the baby’s life because it won’t have a dad.

I just feel bad cuz I chose to keep the baby and now I’ve ruined his life 🫩a part of me wonders if I did the right thing. I didn’t choose abortion because I just couldn’t do it I was too weak and regardless of the terrible circumstances I’ll love this baby with all my heart.

I was raped by a boy that my friend knew, it happened at a party while drunk and passed out and when I woke up he was still doing it Like when the sun was coming up and I wasn’t too drunk to move or push him off. He was moaning in my ear, holding my hand and talking like we were making love when I was in fact sleeping and he was talking to himself the entire time. Mind you other people were in the room then but to my knowledge no one knew. I was also raped by a boy I had sex with a few times before but he did this while I was too drunk to agree or stop him. He knew I was too drunk because he had to carry me and lay me down after. and most recently my “boyfriend”. Again I was drunk, I was throwing up and he had sex with me. Because we actually had the title and have done so much sexually I wouldn’t say that was rape but everyone we have sex I tell him not to cum in me, anytime he ask I say no. I always check after and I tell him I’m not ready to be a mom but I also don’t like birth control and don’t want to have to go through an abortion. Well I’m guessing while I was drunk when I was sleep he came in me, I woke up with him sleeping but still inside me. I got pregnant (got an abortion) but I’ve been distant because the first time I’m too drunk to advocate for myself he took advantage and did what I’ve been asking him not to do. Going through it is rough especially when it happens multiple times. You start to blame yourself and wonder if you’re doing something wrong. This list only includes the times it happened from 20-24 not the time my teammate raped me after school, the time a friend raped me during school, or the time a family friend did it. Those were when I was younger. Almost everyone I’ve had sex with has taken advantage in some way and I’m scared of men and scared of dating as a whole.

Hey everyone, I’m 42F here to vent and express myself here due to not having enough “safe” people to tell this to. I have shared my story in the past only to be criticised or judged instead of getting support. This has made me closed off to others as a result.

When I was newly turned 21, I was in my college town with a few friends. I believe we were celebrating a friend’s birthday at a bar. After I got approached by a married man, and got repulsed by his actions. I got approached by another guy and he asked me if he could introduce his friend D. D and I had a good chat for half an hour and we exchanged numbers as my friends and I were leaving.
D and I texted non stop for the next week or so, and we were trying to organise a day and time to meet up for a date. So once the plans were set, it was all good to happen, until the day of the date D texted me stating he wanted to change plans and instead of going out, we are going to have a BBQ at a friend’s house. I wasn’t too thrilled about the plan changed but I felt optimistic because other people will be there.

As part of our plan D picked me up from my place and he drove me to the BBQ. His friend’s were a young couple and they seemed really nice, we got on really well. But I noticed D was pouring me drinks and was heavy handed with the alcohol. I have never been much of a drinker so I can sip on the same drink for hours at a time. D even mentioned it once or twice, saying that I should drink more, but I wasn’t feel up to it. Then as the night wore on, D’s friends go off into a different room and now I’m alone with D. We talked some more and he tried to give me another drink but I wasn’t keen on it.

I was into D at first, but this is where things get messed up. We were consensually intimate, and it was fine it wasn’t earth shattering but it was fine. However, the sex didn’t stop after that. Whenever I moved in my sleep, D would move to be on top of me, this would happen two to three times before I would clearly state to him that I didn’t want to have sex anymore. I said No multiple times, I don’t want this multiple times. But D just kept on going, and I remember seeing his eyes look right through me like I was nothing. I remember laying there and thinking that I had put myself here. The self-hatred was loose and it ran wild and it was relentless. I actually think my thoughts at that moment were more damaging than the assault itself.

After the last time D touched me I remember laying there frozen, pretending to be a sleep, waiting for D to get to sleep. As I wanted to get up and look for a way out of this house. I remember trying the front door, and back sliding door multiple times, I even looked for keys but I couldn’t find them in a dark house that I didn’t know. On a few occasions D would wake up and ask why I was up, and I would say I’m getting a drink of water, or needing to use the bathroom. And then just after sunrise I remember sneaking out and he caught me and asked what I was doing again, and I remember looking right past him and I see a door that goes to the carport. I had no idea it was there until that moment. I went back to bed, waited for D to be sleeping again and I walked out of that house never to look back.

I never felt more relief to be out of a house, I started the long walk home. But probably 10 minutes into my walk, I hear a pounding behind me, I turn around and here is D running up to me. He grabs me and starts dragging me back to the house. I told him I’m going home, I just want to go home, I don’t want to be here. D states that he will drive me home, so I walk back to the house but I don’t get back into the house. I wait for him outside.
D starts driving the car, and I was expecting him to do a U-turn a few times but he keeps driving down the road. The opposite way to my home. D continues to drive and we end up in the next town over. He stops in front of a cafe, trying to convince me this was a date, anything he bought for me I just couldn’t stomach, and he started to get frustrated. D would ask why wasn’t I eating, and I would reply I wanted to go home. Then D got angry, he told me to get in the car and he started to drive erratically to the point of almost having an accident with a truck. He was yelling and trying to get a response out me but I was dissociating, my mind and body has had enough. I just sat in silence as he finally drove me home. As soon as his car stopped in front my house I was out of that car, and ran to my front door.

I thought I was down with this guy, but then the texts and calls started, he would call me constantly, text me multiple times a day, and because I was ignoring him, he would leave notes at my house, on my car at college. And one point I was meeting a friend in town and D saw me, he ran at me and started to chase me down the street, until I managed to run into a friend. Then because that didn’t work, D came to my job looking for me, and I remember hiding for 15 minutes before I could move.

That was the last time I saw D, I don’t remember what his name is, or what he looks like in detail. As I was in denial of what happened to me I pushed hard to forget. It took me 10 years to get over the denial to stop questioning myself over what I would call what happened to me. It took me another 5 years after that to be able to call it assault, and get help for it. And I’m still getting help for it now, as I tend to think what happened then has nothing to do with my life now, so I don’t have to do anything about it. But I have learned the hard way, that this avoidance thing that I do just doesn’t work.

If you have read the whole thing, thank you. I have tried to tell family and they would say this happened so long ago why are you telling me now, or they just don’t want to know for the fear of not being able to respond in the correct way. I get it, but sometimes just to get the support you need is the hardest thing to get.

Ok so 4 months ago I was on a night out and I drank too much. I started to black out and I can’t remember everything, but the next I know I’m back at this strangers house. He brought me to his room and tried to lift up my dress, once I realised what was happening I told him no and I kept telling him to stop. I thought he couldn’t hear me at first so I kept begging him to stop but then I realised he could hear me, he just didn’t care. This man was tall, strong and about late 20s- early 30s. Im 17, I was even weaker than usual because I was drunk and I knew I had no chance in fighting him so I just froze. I can’t remember all of it but I won’t say any graphic details I do recall. Eventually he left the room and I ran so fast out of that house. I ran and ran and ran until made my way home.
I know it very common for people to blame themselves but I can’t stop. I feel like if I didn’t drink that much, it wouldn’t have happened. I don’t remember it, but I still went to his house willingly. Like I could’ve just not gone back there and i feel so guilty that I did. I feel like I should’ve fought back or atleast tried. Idk I feel like I put myself in such a bad situation and I feel so guilty about it. I also feel super super guilty because I didn’t report it. After it happened I thought there was no point and I didn’t want to tell my parents. It would break their hearts and I’d feel so awful that they would be upset because I made a dumb decision. Anyway now I have waited too long so all the evidence is gone and there really is no point to report.
Does anyone have any advice for dealing with the guilt cos it genuinely replays in my head all the time.

This happened over a decade ago and I never told anyone. I'm not comfortable going into too much detail but I'm not sure if this was rape. But when I was 15 (the age of consent in the country I was in is 16) I arranged with a guy in his 40s to rape me. I told him my age at the time (15) and he was hesitant. I wanted him to rape me tho bc at the time I was struggling a lot mentally and I guess I thought I deserved it. He said yes but then later said no. And a week after he said no I contactedhim again and begged and showed him some things. So he said yes.

Then when we met up and had sex I said yes but then we stopped bc I found it too painful. But then over a few hours we did more times and a few times I pulled away and said no but he kept on going anyway again and again and would pull me back and hit me and grab me. He also told me to give him a bj so I did. I didn't say no so that wasn't rape? But the pulling away and saying no? Does that mean I was raped back then?

And also he said he only ever got the head of his p3nis (idk if I should sensor that bc of Reddit so I am sorry if I'm being rude by doing so) in. I couldn't see so idk if he was telling the truth but I believed him at the time. But if that's true then it's not rape right? Idk he saw my pain and fighting and stopped I guess? But then would try again a bit later. If he did only get most of the head of his p3nis in then it's not rape right? (More went in for the bj).

I got home before my parents got back from work and blocked him. I was upset. I felt like a dirty whore and a slut. And everything he said stuck with me and his face stayed in my mind for weeks. I was so upset by it and random things related to it triggered me and my depression worsened. Ik I was clearly upset by it.

I feel like I'm being rude to rape victims by considering this as rape. If I'm being rude please tell me and I'm very sorry.

It’s only been a month since I realized I was raped and four months since it actually occurred. I was raped by a new co worker and friend of mine when I was still in a relationship with my long term (now ex) boyfriend. My ex’s and I relationship wasn’t doing well to begin with and I had been thinking about breaking up or going on a break way before I met my rapist. It took me so long to realize what happened because i blamed myself because I thought i cheated. My coworker first sexually assaulted me at a rave i went to with him. It wasn’t supposed to be just us it just happened that way, before the rave he confessed he liked me, I told him I was interested in him but I needed to figure things out on my end before anything can happen. He told me he would wait for me and asked if I was still comfortable going to the rave with him and I said yes but I didn’t want anything to happen that night. I got plastered and high, he kissed me at the rave, pushed me up against a wall, choked me and pulled my hair. He slept over at my place afterward in my bed and I just remeber the numb feeling I felt and not being able to fall asleep that night. That morning we got high in my bed and he started kissing me again, I thought it was okay because we had already kissed anyway. He was on top and grinded on me and he went to take off his pants until I told him no I wasn’t ready for that yet. I don’t know why afterwards I invited him over to hang out a couple days later, I for some reason trusted that after saying no that one time he wouldn’t try again. He came over and got high with me, he kissed me in bed again and I put my hand on his chest. As soon I did that he did that he started taking off his pants. I felt frozen as he took of his clothes and mine, all I could think in my head was for him to ask me if it was okay, to ask me if I was sure I wanted this because if he did I would’ve said no. He didn’t have a condom on, didn’t even take a second to look or check in before he started. He didn’t stop until I orgasmed, which I still feel guitly about to this day. When he did stop I asked if he still needed to finish and he said no he had already came in me twice. There was no warning, no nothing, I had no idea he had orgasmed at all. I broke up with my ex a couple days later, even though a part of me still wanted to work on our relationship I thought I didn’t deserve that after what I let happen to me. My rapist stayed around and i felt pressured to pursue something with him after what happened, he proceeded to rape me again the night I broke up with my ex while I was also very drunk, and sexually assaulted me again. Sometimes I still feel like I let this happen to me, I don’t know how to move on with my life. My friends and ex now know what happened and none of them blame me, but I still blame myself. No one knew about what happened before I broke up with my ex, as I thought if my friends knew I “cheated” they would all leave me and my coworker would've been the only support system I had. Those couple months I would get flashbacks about what happen and not understand why I didn’t do anything to stop it. I hated myself and i didnt think I was a good person anymore. It was only till I finally told someone that they pointed out how a lot of things didn’t add up. This is more of a vent than anything else but if anyone has a similar experience or has advice anything would be appreciated.

Horrible and haunts me to this day. My mother didn’t believe me. I tried to tell people, but mom and boyfriend told everyone I was lying. I had just turned 11. Rapist Threatened that he would kill everyone I ever loved, if I told anyone. Kept threatening my entire childhood.
Up until I got married. Recently ran into an old neighbor and found out he will be in town for the holidays. Need advice.

I’m going to start from the beginning I was raped as a kid in four times as an adult The first time I got raped as an adult Was at my house. I had a house party. at the end of the night, everybody was supposed to leave. and I went to sleep. and the guy never left. he came into my room and raped me. I was so confused. because I was intoxicated. I didn’t know what was going on he was moaning in my ear. in I felt a lot of pressure in my vagina. and I was moving up and down. I kept telling him no in to stop and he kept going. until he finally stopped. and ran out the door. The second time I got raped. I went over this man house we had sexual intercourse the first time. It was hot and stuffy in his room so I went in the front room to cool down and get some sleep. He ran out of his room and snatched me fast open my legs and start raping me. I was in excruciating pain. I kept telling him to stop and he didn’t until he was done I couldn’t believe this happened to me again I was scared I didn’t wanna say anything or move. I didn’t want him to do anything else to me so I had to wait until he was done. The third time I got raped it was by a friend. I went over his house. We watched TV and I went to sleep. he snatched me so fast, open my legs and put his hand over my mouth so I wouldn’t make a sound and rape me I couldn’t move In my head, I was telling him to stop, but I couldn’t say anything because his hand was over my mouth. I was going through a lot of pain. He ejaculated in me and he was done. I was traumatized. I couldn’t go back to sleep that night at all. I just wanted to leave. The fourth time I got raped. I went out with this guy. He dropped me back off at home. He wanted to come in, but I didn’t want him to come in because I didn’t want to have sex, but he followed me to my door. I was tired. I wanted to go to sleep. He still came in and we went up in my room. I told him I didn’t want to have sex. He pushed me down on my bed took my clothes off from the bottom forced his self inside of me. I told him to stop. You’re hurting me. He kept going until he came. I’m still in this disbelief that I got raped four times as an adult. this happened years ago and it still traumatized me no one should go through this I hope I never go through this again

Feeling numb and can’t form real relationships

I feel like I’m being stupid and over dramatic

TW

After being in chaotic household growing up and a long term toxic relationship I would always see other couples and friends do fun things and look happy and I’d always feel like I’m 1000 miles away from such a life. I was in a bad relationship:

He makes me feel crazy and that everything wasn’t so bad

I can’t bring myself to date anyone. The thought of being with someone else just feels impossible right now.

I don’t know how to move past everything that happened. I’m completely stuck, like I’m trapped in this loop of memories and I can’t break free. Every single day I wake up with this pit of anxiety in my stomach. I feel disgusting thinking about it all, going over and over every detail until I make myself sick. Look, he’s not evil or anything - I think he’s just really messed up mentally. But that doesn’t make any of this easier.

So I finally found a new therapist. It’s been forever since I’ve done therapy, and right now we’re just talking about surface stuff - what happened this week, practical things. But there’s all this heavy shit I need to get into and I’m terrified to even say it out loud. How do you tell someone you were in an abusive relationship? Just saying those words makes me feel insane.

I’m stuck in this one way of thinking and I can’t get out. I don’t trust anyone anymore, but I keep texting him, keep seeing him even though I know it’s destroying me. Part of me just can’t handle the idea of starting completely over.

Everything feels foggy lately. I’m numb but anxious at the same time, like I’m floating around in my own head. I replay the same moments over and over, trying to figure out what really happened. I saw him again recently and now I just feel like an idiot. I had broken up with him months ago and was actually starting to feel okay. Now it’s like I’m being dragged back into this nightmare.

We were together for five years. There were good times, I guess, but there were also so many times I was genuinely scared of him. Times when I felt completely powerless and alone. Things would be fine and then something horrible would happen, and afterwards he’d act like nothing ever happened. I started questioning if I was remembering things right, if I was losing my mind.

I’ve been avoiding saying this, but I think the relationship was abusive. And now I’m in this awful place where I feel torn apart inside. I don’t want to destroy his life - he has nothing. No money, nowhere stable to live, serious mental health problems. But what he did to me was horrible. I can’t just pretend it didn’t happen.

His family either ignores what he does or makes excuses for him. When I try to talk about it, they make me feel like I’m crazy - not just him, but them too. It makes me doubt everything.

Here’s what I know happened:

One time I was crying and he slapped me across the face. The more I cried, the angrier he got.

He pushed me into a towel rack and dented it because I accidentally tossed his pants and they hit his face.

He tried to force me to drink shroom tea. When I said no, he kept shoving it at me until it spilled everywhere, then he slapped me and called me a stupid bitch. Said I was the problem.

He got drunk and stormed into my apartment screaming that I abandoned him. He threw my stuff around, ripped my shirt off me, and held me down. My roommate had to physically kick him out.

The first time he grabbed my throat, I was half-naked. I had to do a Zoom meeting after with a scratchy voice. When I brought it up later, he said it was sexual and that I was exaggerating.

He wouldn’t drive me to work unless we had sex first. If I cried or was running late, he’d threaten to just leave me there.

During sex, when he got frustrated or couldn’t get hard, he’d pinch me hard, pull my hair, and call me names. He’d accuse me of cheating or being a bitch.

Once he climbed on top of me and hit me in the head multiple times because I accidentally hit his eye with his pants.

He drove like a maniac, pulling my hair and saying we were both going to die because I talked about leaving him. I had a complete panic attack.

He choked me. Multiple times. Not for long, but long enough to scare the hell out of me.

He wouldn’t let me go to the bathroom during sex. Even when I was crying, he wouldn’t let me stop.

His cousin heard me crying during a fight and came in to check. He got even more pissed and blamed me for letting someone see me like that.

When his brother was staying in the same room, he made me have sex with him in the bathroom. I felt so humiliated but didn’t know how to say no.

He used to “check” me to see if I’d been with other guys, while he was out there cheating on me.

He bit my face when he was angry and held me down, poking me in the chest while I cried.

I think early in our relationship he did something sexual to me when I was half-asleep after getting high. It’s fuzzy but it still haunts me.

If I said something hurt or that I wanted to stop during sex, he’d laugh at me, say I was lying, or just keep going.

He called me a cheater for wanting to hang out with friends or family. Meanwhile he was the one lying and cheating.

I hate admitting this, but sometimes I just gave in to sex because I was scared of what would happen if I said no. I’d cry during it or after and feel like my body wasn’t mine anymore. Sometimes he wouldn’t let me get dressed or made me stay in positions until he was done with whatever he was doing.

One time the neighbors heard me crying and him screaming. He was throwing things, yelling threats through the wall, saying he’d kill them. Later he blamed me for the whole thing.

So why do I still feel so confused about everything?

He’s been through trauma. He has mental health issues. Part of me still wants him to be okay. But none of that makes what he did okay.

Is this actually abuse? Is it sexual assault if I was crying, saying I didn’t want to keep going, and he wouldn’t let me stop?

I feel like I’m losing my mind trying to understand it all. And I still feel guilty. I can’t make myself report anything - he’s already lost everything. He’s homeless because I left him. But I’m still carrying around all this pain and I don’t know what to do with it.

I know because I'm a man and 25 now that some people will say men cant be SA'ed. But it's been years, and I still dont know what to call it or how to feel. I was 18(virgin) and my gf at the time and now fiancé (17), she had at the time had sex before. Probably tmi the first time she wanted to give oral I said no probally 4 times and she proceeded to take my pants off and proceeded with the act. And about 5 months into our relationship( I didn't feel comfortable and wasn't ready at the time) she wanted to go all the way. And like the first oral encounter, I said no but she proceeded to pull my undergarments off and get me ready. I then proceeded to say I wasn't sure, she then said its ok and that you are ready and will like it "trust me" and got on top and lol that's how I lost my V card. And yes I know I could over power her, but I was so nervous I didn't know what to do in that situation. That being said, since theen its been an amazing relationship and I asked her to marry me. But every time I look back I just get an uneasy feeling. So what should've done, and how do I move past now? And please be respectful, this is the first time I've looked for guidance in almost 7 years since.

A month and a half ago I was almost raped. And it's only brought up all the stuff I thought I worked through over the last 16+ years since my ex raped me.

I was hanging out at a friend's house with one of his friends. After my friend went to bed, I kept watching tv with his friend. I went outside to smoke and thought nothing of him being covered with a blanket when I came back. We sat for a bit until I had to move to lay on my stomach on the floor because my back was hurting. Suddenly he's on top of me, holding me down, touching me, and that's when I realize he didn't have pants on anymore. A month and a half later and I can still feel all of it.

And I just keep going back to how it was when my ex raped me and asking all the questions I know the actual answers to. Why wasn't I suspicious? Why did I lay on the floor? Why did I trust someone I didn't know that long? I, rationally, know it's not on me. But I'm suddenly reliving it all again. Blaming myself. Feeling dirty.

I didn't even tell my friend or partner at first. When my friend found out, he kept telling me that none of it was on me and that I'd never have to worry about this guy again. He ended their friendship and didn't tip toe around why. My partner has been his typical supportive self. But I can't stop thinking about how it's all on me. How it's my fault. I cannot get the rational side to win over the irrational/trauma side. I'm so low that I've stopped my online work. I just don't have the energy for it. For most things these days. I'll randomly cry. Half the time I don't realize I am. I'm downplaying what happened with everyone else and I know my friend and partner won't say anything because they know it's not theirs to tell.

But I just want to crawl into a nice safe hole and live there. I'm happy for myself that I was able to stop him once my brain caught up to what was happening, but I just keep thinking "how could you be so unintelligent?" I hate it.

Today my rapist was given full parental rights by a judge, who told me that in order to ever see my kids unsupervised again, I will have to provide my rapist directly with private personal info about my body and brain including drug testing results, and communications from my therapists asserting whether I am doing well in therapy or not. I don't know what new kind of violation this is, but it sure feels a lot like rape.

hello i just want it know what happened to me is considered rape because apparently my friend said it was rape. basically i was making out with a guy and it let to us having consensual sex but it started to hurt a lot. i was telling him that it was very painful various times and kept trying to push him off of me. he didn’t say anything and ignored it and kept going. after a few minutes it felt like he finally stopped. but the thing is not that long after we did end up trying again and he went fine. my friend said he still raped me but i consented to it in the first place and for the second time we tried i initiated it. but yeah if im being honest i didnt like how he did that because of how painful it was. this was my first time sleeping with a guy so im not sure how it worked compared to sleeping with a girl, this was my first time being penetrated with a dick so i knew it would hurt a bit. was what happened to me rape or is this normal.

idk if anyone else experiences this but i got sa'd more than once and every time it started with a guy coming up to me making a move like flirting or asking for my number or insta and stuff so now when guys come up to me and ask for my number i get triggered thinking they're gonna do the same thing to me

TW: description of assault

I (21F) think I was sexually assaulted last week and I feel nothing. I hooked up with the guy a year ago but had a very different experience this time. I was very drunk but alert enough to feel pain and tell him to stop. I had told him I just wanted to go home. He kept forcing himself on me. I told him it hurt and hit him to try get him off me. He was slapping me in the face, biting me, pulling my hair super hard and other stuff that made me visibly say ouch loudly. I grabbed him multiple times and was clearly angry and distressed and told him “don’t do that”. I can’t count the amount of times I told him it hurt and to stop. He tried to have sex with me despite me saying no. I told him we weren’t having sex and he said “yes we are”. It was like he thought it was a big game. He wouldn’t take me seriously even when I was very very serious and direct. He kept trying to have intercourse after I’d said no and had told him to stop. He asked me after why I got so mad. I wish I had fought back more. I didn’t panic in the moment for some weird reason. I don’t know why. I wish I had tried harder to get up but he was on top of me.
Since it happened I disregarded it. I told my friends in a “this was weird” context, but they were shocked and made it clear he had assaulted me. I knew deep down it was wrong but the whole thing felt like a dream or not real. I can’t seem to come to terms with the fact it was assault. I keep blaming myself because if I had tried harder to stop him at least it would’ve been more clear. It’s been a week and the whole thing is blocked out. I’m not sure how to deal with it. Emotionally I have had no reaction whatsoever. But the thought of having sex ever again makes me feel gross. I kept making excuses for it but when I think about it nothing about what he did could be interpreted as consensual. I don’t know what to do because I’m completely blank towards the whole thing and I can’t even face it as a real thing that happened. It feels very distant and not real. I’m not sure what to do.