So, you are in front of halloween, and you recognise, you get too old for this shit. In fact, you live in germany, and trick or treating in the inner city is kind of not there, or not celebrated at all, because it is seen as organised begging.
But you recognise that trick or treating is good for you. and for kids. And you recognise that the liberal couple downstairs has a point in allowing their kids to go trick or treating.
The kids themselves are fine, you know, kids. They are louder then an air raid siren, fatter then a dog of their shoulder height, less wellbehaved then a green sugarcane snake being tossed down someones undies, and in general, the big part is, they do what they want, because their mother is an aging 68 hippie, and thinks to raise a kid antiauthoritharian is cool.
You have no idea what to do especially, before the company tells you to dress up for halloween, and all comes tohgether. So, you decide to go for the big fun, and you get Guy Fawkes masks for you and your two underlings, the good kind.
You also put aside 75 bucks.
Now, at this point, you go shopping. You buy blue medical gloves, and a big black plastic trashbag.
Now, you buy all the cheap sweets, the teeth rotter, the sugar water, the energy drink. In fact, you buy 50 bucks worth of sweets, including packets of just plain powdered sugar, and packets of sugarcubes. All goes in the plastic trashbag.
By the end, you have a proud 25 KG of sweets and packaging in the trashbag, and it looks sufficiently full. Now, you make sure you wear your good suit, take the day after halloween off ( you still have vacation time...), and dress up.
Put on the suit, dress shoes, blue latex gloves, and the Guy Fawkes mask. Now, for the last 2 weeks, the kids from downstairs had been optimising their route downstairs, and they got good, so you know where to wait....- in the park. You even know the time...
You pick a corner that is dark, kind of unseen, but close to the route, wait there till it is time, and then, step out when you hear them.
4 kids, with their mother. All 4 of them look the part. Overweight, loud, undisciplined. You remember vividly how one of them bumped into your knee, and you could not walk well for 2 days, while the mother just told you to "walk it off, and stop punishing a kid for being a kid". You remember how questions like "I was up till 6am fixing servers, could you please calm your kids so I can sleep" were answered with "I don't give a fuck, get a regular job, I raise my kids how I want, don't you dare tell me how to raise my kids. " You remember how time and time again, you had to see how the mother took them to mac donalds, but then thought just because she ordered a coke light, she would be good again, because the sweet parts were hidden in regular coke, not in the 20 something piece of chicken mac nuggets.
So you stand before them, in all your might, a black trashbag over your shoulder, and BAM, they stop. They smell what is up now, and just don't know it yet.
You go, "Trick or treat, that is sweet!I am from the internets to reward the leet!"
The mother relaxes, because it seems the kind of faux scary. She does notice your blue gloves though, and does stare at them.
You go "All the leet children that I know were horrible and abusive, and racist and mean, and screamed curses on Xbox live. Did you guys do that?"
The children enthusiastically confirm what you have heard every weekend at 6 am, when you were just in bed for two hours, the 42 inch TV downstair on to full volume, and BAM, xbox live, and just a constant barrage of "Nigger this, nigger that, nigger chair, faggot, I fucked your mum...", which kind of confirms what you thought about them.
You go "Normally, I would be called on to treward the well behaved children, but at this time, I have come to reward the horrible children. "
You drop the sack off your shoulder, and they see that you wrote with your left hand "bad children" on the sack.
You make a grand gesture of opening the sack, and the children stare at the bounty of sweets, and are speechless. You root around a bit, and guided by the children, let every child just pick one thing, because otherwise, it would be bad for their teeth. The mother reluctantly agrees, because that seems to run too much towards her stance. I hold each item up, and throw a glance to their mother. She nodds, because it seems reasonable. Wjhat is the danger in one package of sweets per kid?
You take the four items, turn around and walk off.
"Hey Mister", one of them goes, "you forgot your sack. " "No, I didn't. Happy Halloween"
Now, just here, take a moment. Of course, ou did not cheap out on this one. you may have bought the shit on clearance, but you bought the big packs. You may not have haribo, but you have haribum, and their gummy bears are 3 kg for a buck, and have double the sugar. You also have full sized candy bars, you have energy drinks in liter bottles, and even a few monster energy drinkl cans in there. You were a kid once, and you know what kind of food rocks.
While there is a howl from behind as the kids realize what you had done, you go into stealth mode, and move up a shortcut in the park, to where you have a free view of the scene, but are hidden from view. The kids are on their hands and feet, ripping open things, because by now, they had like half a kilo of sweets, most of which were cough drops and pocket bibles and such. Now, in one go, they have 20 KG of sweets, and they go wild. Bungholio inspired, you see one kid just use his fat little sausage fingers to rip open the package of powdered sugar, and just eat the powdered sugar raw.
At this point, there are too many strange things in the air, at least for the mother. From your hiding place, you can see the wheels in her head turning. How come he did have blue surgical gloves on? How come he was so nice? I did not get his face, because he wore that mask.... I met him in the park.... He had a trashbag labeled evil kids..... Wasn't there this scare about men handing out posioned candy?
"Jan-kevin, Give me that!"
"Nu uh, mom!"
"JAN KEVIN, that could be posion!"
"No, mama, that is not poison, that is candy!"
"Give me that!"
"NOOOOOOO"
The small kids begin to grasp the chance in full. 4 kids just go full on hamster mode, rip open the bag, and start throwing things in their maws, going hog wild, not even chewing... You see one of the girls swallow full sized snickerbars without even chewing, and you have to think to yourself, that girl will be very popular later on.
Very calm, you light the cigarette, as the mom does the cardinal sin of trying to wrestle a full sized tub of marshmellow fluff from an 8 year old who seems to weigh 80 KG. You can hear the screech of the smaller hambest, as he thanks the gods for this feast, and full on tackles the mother in the knee, to get her away from his candy.
The mother at this time is hurt, had just been tackled, and has 4 kids that are quite out of their mind, so she does the only thing left to her.
What did the five fingers say to the face? SLAP!
Children cussing the mother out.
"You are just fat, you want to eat it yourself!"
"This is poisoned, get away from that, don't eat it!"
"Fuck you mom, we never get sweets, we just get the veggies and the oatmeal, you will not ruin this for me..."
"Jan Kevin, how dare you talk to me like that, I am your mother!"
"You hit me again, I will call the cops. "
Serene, you put the cigarette in your mouth, and you walk away from the scene. The cops you meet, you do a bit of dance for them, and you wish them a happy halloween, causing them to see you as just an other happy halloweener. By this point, you have ditched your mask, you have loosened our tie, and you now only wear a red clowns nose, and seem to all base and purpose drunk. You take the quicker way home, and you can hear the family come in just as you have settled in your flat. The mother is crying, the children are crying, everyone is dirty, but for the first time in their lives, they have been disciplined.
And just as you write this. the flat downstair is quiet. No crying, no pain, no "Nigger" screaming in the Xbox....
