If someone is more introverted than me, I turn into an extrovert.

If someone is more extroverted than me, I turn into an introvert.

That’s basically how it is for me 🤷‍♂️

It took me a long time to work up the courage to post this. At the risk of sounding like a cliché, I have always felt like I was searching for something I can't describe. I don't know what it is, but I do know that I am perpetually dissatisfied with myself, my life and the state of the world. Intuitively (good old Ni), I know the general feeling and impression of what I am searching for, but I can't describe it. I know a lot of people don't feel they were meant for the world, but the loneliness and perpetual sense of not belonging or feeling "different" is almost agonizing. I do not mean this in a special snowflake way, as it truly sucks. I have never been in a romantic relationship and in terms of friendships, I always feel I am seeking a level of intimacy and depth that doesn't really exist. I know this is pretty common for infjs.

I also feel like everything about me is a contradiction, which messes me up. I love people and want to connect, but I also hate them and want to isolate myself forever. I am open, yet closed off. I am naïve, but wise. I can be outgoing and personable, but also timid and super quiet/shy. I have a difficult time describing myself because I can be so different depending on context and I feel like a bunch of souls live in flux or something if that makes sense. I also deeply struggle with feeling like a child at heart, but on a soul level, I feel 10,000 years old. It is almost as if the child and old woman in me are constantly fighting one another. I know that the function stack of INFJs makes this fairly common, but how do I make logical sense of it?

Something else bizarre is that I could be in a room of people and still feel alone, like I am watching a movie but not really "there", or like I have one foot in the real world and the other foot entirely somewhere else. What is worse is that even though I always feel alone, I am also deeply "aware" of people's presence for the most part. So I am alone, but not, which is draining. I crave to be able to feel alone with someone in a way that we are so connected that their energy isn't a hindrance and instead nourishes me and I feel comfort in their presence. In that way, I would be "alone" with someone else, but still feel peacefulness in their presence. I am sorry if none of that makes sense, but it does in my head and I can't think of how to put it into words. Does this have to do with Ni and Fe?

Anyway, I am 29 and just so dissatisfied with the state of the world and don't feel like I have a place in it. I wish I had a tribe of people I connected with, and I wish the world was not such a mess. I wish I loved someplace else, where things were better and so much pain and suffering did not exist. I am just looking to see if anyone else feels this way, because it would be quite validating, as I always feel like something is "wrong" with me. Any fellow INFJs can relate?

I think about this often and it weighs on me a lot.

I get up each day to get ready for work and I just think to myself, 'Wow, I'm giving pretty much all of my time to work'

... then when I'm at work I see through the fake mannerisms and conversation. "How was your weekend?" "Fine thanks, you?"

... then I come home and think 'how are we really supposed to be living? Surely there's a better way'

I'm constantly thinking of ways to improve my life and escape to a world that is more in line with my views. Does anyone else feel the same?

EDIT: Hi everyone. Ive read all of your comments. I wish I was ignorant to this aspect of life. It's hard...but I'm glad you can all resonate.