After Gina Hinojosa won the election for governor, Texas began to see an enormous increase in the number of boating accidents. Gina stated, "I can understand people just enjoying a wonderful weekend on the water, but this is just out of control." She went on to say "what's even stranger is people having boating accidents in towns with no lakes, bays, swamps, or rivers." Interviews with victims of the accidents revealed they not only lost their boats, but all their guns as well. When asked why their guns were on the boat, one Texan replied, "Where else would I store all my guns? Gina went on to say, "truly responsible gun owners should never store their guns on a boat. They should keep them in a safe, I personally recommend Liberty Safes. They are very helpful with law enforcement whenever we want to investigate...umm... certain people." Meanwhile Texas DPS continues to try and locate the boats that went down. "What's really strange is we just can't find any boats. We've checked rivers, swamps, lakes, and even the coast, nothing" one DPS agent said during a press conference. Texas DPS and Governor Hinojosa strongly advise against any boating activities until this mystery can be solved. When asked for further comments she said, "you know, sometimes things just work out. Now that all the ar-15s and ak-47 WMDs are gone, Texas should be so much safer. It's not like criminals will still have guns because they have no regard for the law or anything. They would certainly never take advantage of a disarmed populace."

In a bold new plan to combat inequality, Sen. Bernie Sanders unveiled a “Millionaire Accountability Act” that would impose a steep wealth tax exclusively on Americans richer than Bernie Sanders.
“The billionaire class has gotten away with too much for too long,” Sanders declared at a press conference held outside one of his three homes. “Under my proposal, if your net worth exceeds mine, you will finally pay your fair share. If it doesn’t, you’re one of the little guys. Like me.”
The tax would be indexed directly to Sanders’ personal wealth, currently estimated in the low millions thanks to bestselling books about why millionaires should not exist. As the Vermont senator’s fortune grows through additional book deals, speaking fees, and residual checks from “The Bernie Sanders Guide to Not Being a Billionaire,” the tax threshold would automatically rise, ensuring the senator remains safely below the line.
Aides confirmed the formula is simple: the IRS will simply check whether a taxpayer’s assets exceed those of the senior senator from Vermont. If the answer is no, no tax is owed. If the answer is yes, the taxpayer faces rates high enough to “fund Medicare for All and still have enough left over for a modest vacation home in Vermont.”
When asked what happens if Sanders himself one day becomes richer than Sanders, a staffer replied, “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Preferably in a private jet.”

In unrelated news, several of the nation’s wealthiest families were spotted quietly shifting assets into offshore trusts and Caribbean shell companies within hours of the announcement.