Two weeks ago I made an impulsive post to r/VirginityExchange, and a few days ago I lost my virginity. I thought I would write a success post because the few I read were helpful and informative, and I hope my story can be the same for others.
The Why:
Why did I want to lose my virginity? This is a question I’ve thought long and hard about. In my original post, I talked about growing up in a strict household and not knowing how to pursue friendships/relationships with men I might be interested in. I hoped that having sex would help me break that mental barrier that was keeping me closed off from men. To elaborate on this, as I wanted to keep my original post short and sweet, I grew up Christian and felt like the association the church has created between any form of sexuality and shame has manifested itself in a deeply ingrained fear of my body and of men, and has influenced my instinctive actions towards men - don’t let anyone get too close or I might want to have sex with them. This resulted in me not even allowing myself to form close platonic friendships with men. Frustration with my outward actions and behavior pushed me to try whatever I could to break through this mental barrier, because I knew I wanted to experience a close relationship with a man in the future, and I didn’t see that being a possibility with the way things were going. So this was less about losing my virginity and more about taking away what I was “protecting.” It’s obviously not the perfect choice, especially considering my belief system, but it’s the one I made.
The Messages:
After making my post, I was surprised by the number of messages I received since I’m not located in a big city or state. However, it was easy to weed the majority of them out, as plenty were from men who wanted me or them to drive or fly several hours to meet up with them - something I was not willing to do as I felt it would put an undue amount of pressure on me to perform once the time arose. Others consisted of “hey” or “I’ll give you a hand lol.” The few messages that caught my attention were from men that seemed to relate to what I said, had thoughtful and genuine comments, and just made me feel like less of a quickie opportunity and more like a human being with a problem asking for help.
I liked one message in particular because he was the only one that actually greeted me personally with a simple “Hi NovBlu.” The rest of his message was well-written and thoughtful and revealed that we had several things in common, including parts of our background and our age. He wasn’t a virgin, and at this point I hadn’t even thought about if I would rather do this with another virgin or someone with more experience, but I liked that he said he knew how to take it slow and was putting a strong emphasis on communication. He also stated that even if I decided that I didn’t want to have sex with him, he would be happy to continue talking because he was sympathetic to anyone who grew up like we did, heavily influenced by the purity movement.
As we continued messaging each other, we talked about my holdups, our views of sex, and our expectations. Throughout our conversation, he continually eased any pressure I felt, letting me know that I could back out or change my mind whenever, even once we were together. To any virgins reading this, it is absolutely your right to give and withdraw consent at any time. I’m thankful to have had a partner that understood that and never forced anything to happen that I wasn’t comfortable with.
Before the Meetup:
Once I decided that I wanted to move forward with having sex, we started getting into the logistics of things. He was only in town for the holidays, which moved this arrangement forward more quickly than I had anticipated, but in hindsight, I think that was what I needed to kick my butt into action. We moved from talking through reddit to talking through an app called Signal. It was easier for quick communication and for exchanging pictures, but was supposed to be safer than just texting each other. We both felt it was important to be attracted to each other, so we sent face pics and a few body pics in our underwear, with any identifying features cropped out or covered up. Fortunately, we both liked what we saw and so plans were officially on.
I couldn’t host so instead paid for a hotel - proper etiquette for r/VirginityExchange. The initiator should always pay, regardless of if you’re male or female. We agreed on wanting an overnight stay for multiple reasons that mainly had to do with time - more time to warm up to each other and more time for multiple sexual encounters. We talked about condoms and STDs, grooming preferences, what we wanted to do for food, if we wanted any alcohol or music, boundaries, etc. I bought condoms while he bought lube, we went without alcohol, and I listed one boundary - which he didn’t question and fully respected during our time together.
Throughout all of this, we also talked about things that had nothing to do with sex. This was important in establishing a good rapport, overall contributing to comfortability and familiarity with each other. Talking also served as a form of prolonged foreplay. Since we now knew what the other looked like and that this was really happening, our imaginations were running a little wild. I lost a lot of sleep and felt like I was in a constant state of arousal, definitely a huge distraction during the holidays. Maybe don’t be impulsive like me and instead start your r/VirginityExchange search during a time where you’re not surrounded by family and can afford to be distracted.
Foreplay:
We met at the hotel and then drove together to a park to do some hiking. This really helped to make us more comfortable with each other in person, and I would recommend to others to do something low key together before jumping right into sex. Being able to just focus on walking and making casual conversation made me feel less nervous and more confident in my decision and in the situation. I should mention here that he was also nervous and I’m sure benefited from the hike as well. Just because he’d had sex before doesn’t mean this was no big thing to him. There are going to be nerves with any new partner, so if you’re a virgin planning on having sex with an experienced person, don’t forget that they’re human, too.
Once we got back to the hotel and checked in, I started getting really nervous. From this point on, he pretty much took control. This was really good because I had no idea what I was doing and just following his lead kept me out of my head and let me focus on the experience.
I’m not going to go into super explicit detail from here because it was a personal event, but I will share things that I hope will be helpful for others. We moved slowly because we both agreed that foreplay was important to warming up and getting each of our bodies ready for intercourse. We progressed from making out > feeling our bodies through our clothes > feeling our bodies beneath our clothes > removing a few articles of clothing at a time > dry humping > being completely naked and ready to have sex. Throughout it all, he continued to reaffirm that I was okay with how things were going, and I thought that that was very considerate and responsible.
I was initially worried that as my body was revealed he would notice and comment on certain parts of it that I think of as flawed. Like how I get a crease line across my belly from when I sit, or how my muscles aren’t toned, or how my breasts are really small. But he didn’t seem to focus on any of that and instead just kept talking about how soft I was, how nice I smelled, and how kissable I was. Even more than that, during the moment I found that those things had almost completely fled my mind. I was just focused on what we were doing, everything I was feeling, and it was so easy to stay in the now. I don’t even really like to walk around naked when I’m alone, but being naked with him felt normal and like no big deal. I’d say it was a very body positive experience, and I feel more confident in that regard moving forward.
Sex:
It wasn’t at all seamless like in the movies. And that’s not a bad thing. There was a lot of talking and laughing, he showed me his penis and balls and how to put on a condom and apply lube, and then we were having sex. The initial penetration was a little uncomfortable in more of a “this is new” way than a “this is bad and hurts” way. In fact, the most pain I felt the entire time was due to his hip bones pressing against my inner thighs. We had to readjust several times because of that, which I thought was pretty funny. Otherwise, I was pleasantly surprised with how quickly I warmed up to the feel of him inside me. However, I don’t want to discount other women’s experiences with painful first times - we’re all different.
We had sex three times that night in multiple positions, stopping for a food break at some point, and had sex once more in the morning. I’d made a playlist to fill any potentially uncomfortable silences, but it ended up going completely forgotten. There were silences, yes, but they weren’t uncomfortable or even really completely silent. I liked hearing our labored breathing and the little sounds he’d make every once in a while - it was honestly pretty erotic. We each took showers as we felt we needed them, but since he wore a condom every time I didn’t even feel like we were that gross. Maybe a little sweaty, but once again this was an area where I was surprised. Perhaps my assumption that I’d feel really dirty after sex was just another way that I’ve been influenced by the church.
I ended up being unable to orgasm, which I believe had more to do with me than with him. I was a little too in my head, trying to force it to happen and not wanting him to be offended that it wasn’t. So to any men (or women) out there reading this - don’t worry if your female partner has trouble reaching orgasm. I still had a lot of fun, and it still felt really, really good. Fun fact: I learned that he could keep himself from coming in order to last longer. That was kind of cool, but not totally necessary. I felt kind of pleased with myself when he came so I really didn’t care if it happened and we had to take a break for a bit.
Aftermath:
The success stories I read on here were all really positive, and there were a lot of positive things in my experience. Real life, however, is messy. It’s not all rainbows and sunshine. I’m a firm believer in “knowledge is power,” so in an effort to give anyone that’s thinking about trying this for themselves all of the tools they need to be successful, I’m going to be as real and transparent as possible. And I would consider my story to be a success - I started this as a virgin and now I’m not. But there is another side to things, so let’s go ahead and dive into that.
The easiest aftermath to deal with is the physical stuff. I’m a little sore, although not as much as I thought I’d be. I couldn’t even tell that my vagina was sore until we had sex in the morning, but even then it was a good sore so I didn’t mind. The sorest part of me are my inner thighs where I mentioned before that his hip bones were pressing into them.
Mentally, pregnancy is on the back of my mind. I’m not on birth control so we just had condoms, and they never slipped or broke, but that worry will still linger until I start my period. I think this fear is something a lot of women deal with, no matter how many forms of contraception they use.
Things start getting messy on the emotional side of the equation. Part of why I felt comfortable enough to have sex with him was that I actually liked him. We had a lot of things in common, he was attractive physically, and we lined up on an intellectual level as well. I don’t know if I could have had sex with someone I felt “meh” about, but maybe that was a mistake. We both knew that this was just about sex, but you can’t help but fantasize that something else may come of it. I think part of the problem is that I always imagined me having sex with someone that loved me - I never thought in my wildest dreams that sex would be something I arranged with a stranger through reddit. You like to think that you can be a strong, modern woman that can separate physical intimacy from emotional intimacy, but I guess I’m not there yet.
I’m also having to deal with the guilt and shame I feel for having sex before marriage. I’ve clearly decided not to follow that “rule” anymore, but I can’t automatically reset the feelings I have there. There’s this huge juxtaposition between how I felt during sex, like I was finally doing the one thing that my body was perfectly made for, and how it feels in the aftermath, like wow, I could’ve had that first experience with my husband someday. But then I remember why I did this in the first place, and it’s because I can’t see myself ever getting into a relationship with how damaged I feel in regards to my interactions with other men. I’m not sure if going through with this will help like I hoped it would. At one point when we were laying in bed cooling off, he said that he didn’t see the unapproachable demeanor I had mentioned in my original post. I was like, “well yeah, I knew I was going to be having sex with you so I was different than I normally am.” Maybe that’s how I need to change the way I interact with other guys - approach each one of them like sex is “on the table,” so to speak.
So that’s that. I hope I didn’t disappoint anyone or turn anyone off of this experience. I was so focused on protecting myself sexually and physically that I didn’t really think about how I’d feel emotionally. I actually received a belated message warning me to be careful of my emotions because another girl “fell” for the guy that helped her out. So I know I’m not the only one that could’ve benefited from a word of caution. Maybe another post speaks about this, and I just didn’t read it... Anyway, if sex to you is a purely physical thing, then I wish you the best of luck in finding someone to have it with! It’s fun! If you’re like me and things are a little more jumbled together, not so black and white, then I’d encourage you to really think about what you want and what’s best for you. Only you know you, and only you can make that decision for yourself.
As always, if anyone wants to talk, shoot me a message.
Update: Condoms work. Stay safe, kids.
