I'm so mad at myself for not knowing how to get my life together. I spent so time stuck not knowing what to do.

SUre, I do have a disability that grounded me for most of my life. On top of that I was discouraged from bettering myself, my parent's simply didn't care to see me succeed. At 18 I ran off and married, I was naive and stupid. But I thought I would have chance at a normal life and instead jumped from the frying pan to the fire. I didn't know how to deal with his abuse, and his threats of death if I left so I stayed. Way longer than should have.

When I finally divorced, years of dealing with my seizures and his abuse left me unable to work and no where to go. So I am living with my parents again. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind helping them. But that's all my life is. I still have no prospects and life seems overwhelming to get my life together at this point. I feel hopeless and helpless.

I can't do simple things people take for granted, driving a car. Working any job they want. Simply being independent.

Living with family at my age sucks. I hate it. I have a very independent personality, but life threw a few lemons at me and I simply don't know how to make lemon aid.

I hate it here. I'm miserable. I'm well beyond my years to start making my own life work. I'm afraid to run into people I used to know. I'm ashamed my life hasn't worked the way I wanted to.

I am very different than my family, I believe a different that what I was raised to believe, my ideas and feelings are different. I feel like such an alien. I have to hold back from being my true self because I don't want to offend them, but I also want to be able to express myself without judgement. I just want to be me for once in my life.

I keep thinking about how different my life would if I didn't have this damned disability. How independent I would be, what type of career and house I would have etc...

But one of the best things in my life is a terrific friend I made a few years ago. He's a dear, sweet man and he's trying to help. He's done so much for me and I think he thinks the best of me and he's just been wonderful. It's helping some to know that some one expects the best out of me instead of people that expect nothing from me.

I hope I live up to his expectations, but part of me wants to tell him that I know I'm a loser, that he is wasting his time, money and words on someone who has no potential. But the other part of me wonders if he's right. That I do have something worth working toward. That I do actually have potential and a right to be happy.

Aww shucks, I think I like him even more now.

She's a long time friend I didn't speak to for years because of my own personal issues. She's married now and says she loves me too. We live far apart and couldn't afford to be together even if that's what she really wants.

I'm pretty sure this weekend I'm going to tell her I can't handle this and be done with it all. Fuck me my fucked up head and this whole bullshit

I have one guy who I know in this area, and he obviously only wants to hang out with the "cool" guys. We're both in our late 20's but he is still concerned with "cool" factor. Yet I'm sitting here trying to be real and myself. That leaves me by myself, alone. No one to talk to. I don't know how to make friends either and I'm afraid to because they always stop hanging out with me. I've tried being "cool". I've tried buying friendships, by buying them food and stuff when we go out.

I feel like I'm at a point where I should accept not having friends. But I just have this void in my soul. I want friends but no friends want me. I know I'm awkward but I'm like, the nicest guy ever. I'm a giver. I like to see people happy. No one even wants my generosity. Add all of this to my depression, back pain, financial struggles, and I'm just tired of treading water every day, going nowhere but here. I completely understand loneliness.

This sounds really lame, but I had a situation where I had to make a tricky decision regarding my morals, and I'm really proud of myself for sticking with them. I don't have many people to express this to, so I just wanted to share this with someone, even if strangers. Thank you.

This is the first time I've been to this sub-reddit. It's one of those nights; it's raining outside and I'm just contemplating the events of my life because things are starting to change again.

My life was fairly simple and enjoyable through high-school, which I am most grateful for. I always had a very optimistic outlook on life until about freshman year of college - I was always aware of how lucky I should feel, considering what other less fortunate people go through. I used to live in NJ, and then moved after high-school to Washington for college. My family uprooted and moved out here a year after I started going to school (I'm an only child).

The first year was tough for me. It took me a while to assimilate; to get used to the fact that things were going to be different. It was my first dosage of real change. I still considered myself very fortunate, knowing that many others had much darker and troubling problems... and yet, I still found myself depressed to a degree. It took me a while to make friends, and when I finally did - it was through smoking weed. That was our common denominator. I felt like I couldn't make friends by just being myself. I have enjoyed smoking, since I was in senior year of high-school through a little less than two months ago.

I moved into an apartment, with two smoker friends from the dorms. I met a girl who changed my life. We met through mutual friends at a hookah lounge (one being my roommate from the dorms). I was persistently trying to talk to her, and danced with her one evening when she took me and my roommate to a gay-club with her friends. She had just come off of a relationship a few months prior. I still remember going through jealous times where she felt like she still had to support her depressed-ex-boyfriend. He would crash on her couch occasionally when we first started dating, because his family wasn't doing very well. Eventually he got back on his feet and was completely out of the picture.

We dated for close to three years, and then split up a year from last march. I cried, a lot, at first. It was like, making a best friend after feeling cut off from all of my old ones back in NJ... and then having to say goodbye all of a sudden. We had gone through a lot, her father had cancer and passed away while we were dating; I was her rock, and she was her family's rock; her mom and dad had two much younger kids (she was in her 20's like me, and her siblings were 3 and 7). So she had it rough... She couldn't take classes, and had to stay home to babysit often. I just gave her my support however I could; I helped babysit; I gave her my love; I used my parents' money to buy her food and take care of her as well as I could; I was her emotional punching bag when she needed it. Until, after feeling the love slowly drift out of the relationship and feeling myself clinging to my best friend... she ended it one day.

I was devastated (last year). I never thought I could win her back; I never thought I wanted to. Despite the pain, I knew I had to just try and let her go. I've spent my time since then trying to move on, and I still see her in my dreams sometimes. The last thing she texted me, was "I found some plates that match the cups we got your mom for mothers day" ... but she was already dating someone else, so I just ignored it.

At first, I leaned heavily on smoking weed. I leaned heavily on a new group of friends, as myself and the former smoking roommates grew apart fairly quickly. Only recently have I been reconnecting with one of them in a much different setting (not simply smoking our asses off).

And then... gradually...

I felt myself getting stronger...

I felt myself starting to pursue my own personal happiness again...

It started with several unsuccessful attempts to take a break from smoking with my housemates... Several times we tried to go cold turkey, and each time we broke down and continued to smoke daily.

I've always been financially supported by my parents, so I had just been going to school until recently. I graduated with my bachelors degree. It was the day before my ceremony, and I decided... I was going to call it there, for myself. The graduation ceremony was going to mean at the very least (aside from celebrating my academic accomplishment), a break from smoking weed. I wanted to get my life straightened out, and get a job... the latter proved as a worthy bit of motivation, as I needed to quit to ensure that I would pass any potential drug tests.

That was two months ago.

I have smoked cigarettes since then... I'm still working on quitting those.

I've started working a new part-time job in retail, near my parents' home, though I still have a place in Seattle, so I go between the two.

I'm taking more classes in the fall; acting (a whole lot more detail in that endeavor, but I'll save that).

I guess, I just really wanted to write it out, because I met someone at work. My coworker; she's just... I've only known her for the duration of two shifts... She has a boyfriend, as I found out from her and another co-worker; I'm the only single one on the work-team. So, after only knowing her for a short time and knowing that she's taken, I thought fuck it, no point in falling for her or whatever you want to call it. No point in trying... but... I just kind of got a good vibe from the first day working with her.

I worked up the nerve today to ask her to hang out, as friends.

And, she said yes.

I was almost hoping she would say no...

I don't know what to do with myself now.

I can't stop thinking about her.

It's natural... It's happened plenty of times before, to myself and everyone else...

but I can't help it. As much as I want to just see where we can go as friends... I really like her.

I just need to calm myself down, and not expect anything...

Nothing will likely come of it...

I don't know if anyone will read this, but if you have... well, you're too kind. I just wanted to throw up on a post, and see if it made me feel better.

I just want to wake up tomorrow and go back to taking care of myself..

That's what was working. That's what was making me feel better...

And now... I can feel myself falling for this stranger...

I want to stop it...

But it also makes me feel alive.

I do it because I tend to think that well, I feel that I guess I'd be going into too much trouble expressing myself. I guess I'm afraid that someone's going to not like what I say, and just have nothing to do with me anymore. Which would really be silly if a friend did that to you.

I feel lost. Like I lack any personality anymore. I don't really know when I started losing my self but I suspect it was right after middle school when my closest friend went over to a different school. He seemed to be the only one I could talk to about basically anything and not feel judgment. I think I shut off my personality when highschool started because, well, it was a shitty one. No one seemed to really like me and I attributed that to my personality. I tried to develop a new one by looking to my friends as role models, but that just jumbled my thoughts up even more. I never felt like i fit in and now i dont even know who I am. I just feel empty and i wish i had someone close to talk to who would just listen. I just wish i could be myself again.

Since I was like 12 (I'm 25 now) I've had this escalating desire to disappear, but not in the literal sense. It's like I constantly want to erase "me" - deconstruct my identity I guess. Here are some examples, all of which have "increased" over time:

• I remove/erase/destroy pretty much all personal records, except necessary ones like identification. I remember when I started high school I threw away all of my trophies, letters of recognition, drawings, etc..

• I never take any pictures or videos of myself, and not because I think I'm ugly or anything like that (I'm not good-looking, but neither me nor other people really give a shit).

• I had social media in middle school but during high school I slowly faded out of it. Since then I haven't touched social media, or at least in the sense of having a public profile directly associated with my "true" identity (reddit is great! :)

• I delete contacts from my phone when I think I won't talk to them for the next few months.

• I keep my emotional distance from everybody I encounter. My actions and sentiments are genuine, no doubt, but I just never get attached to anybody. If for some reason I start to, I get a bit paranoid and try to "stop caring" about them.

This is a really weird subconscious motive that, over the years, I've become more and more aware of. I really want to find a proper place where I can ask questions about this, e.g. a subreddit. Finding others who either have personally felt the same way, or who can offer some useful insight on this matter, would be helpful, but it's a luxury I can easily bear to live without.

And just for the record, I'm not suicidal, I'm not sad, and my introspection on this matter isn't due to some recent series of (unfortunate) events.

So, I'm in a gap year right now (trying to build up a youtube channel) for fun but also to help propel me into my future career after I go into film school next year. now my channel is growing ever so slowly but I am kind of fed up. I have seen channels just as good as mine Grow much much faster and I cant figure out why. Everyone who has stumbled upon my vids tells me my content is quite good.

Now these days my view counts havent been tooooo bad but, my recent video has no views and its been up for around 4 hours. This is very unusual for me and, I know its dumb but, its kinda struck a nerve with me. I'm just fed up tbh. I will always make vids because it is fun but, at the same time I have put so much effort into this damn thing and its really disappointing at times.

Advice? Thoughts? Want me to elaborate? I just needed to get this off my chest somewhere on the internet so ye. A conversation would be great :)

I like to think I’m quite a good actor. Sure in school I studied drama and participated in plays, but when I look back I think I was only ever okay. Not great, but also not terrible. Back then I didn’t connect to my characters, so my portrayal was only a little better than average. We didn’t have the luxury of casting with such a small theatre group. It wasn’t the acting I was good at; there was another kind of acting I was doing. In fact we all act every day, we act a character that we connect to innately. We wear masks to conceal ourselves because it’s uncomfortable when those true selves are revealed.

Lately I’ve been finding myself in moments of revelation, I’ve felt my true self uncovered and I instantly feel apart from all those around me. I’m concerned they’ll see through to the real me. So I put my mask back on and continue to act. It’s raw and confronting, our inner selves. There are only so many emotions that are acceptable to the public eye. When these moments occur it’s like time stops and everything goes quiet. You feel a shiver shudder through your body. It’s like the colour has drained from all around you. I feel the chill of disappointment, of not living up to who I’m supposed to be. My façade is starting to seem thin and the cold is creeping through. I need to light a fire within myself but I lost my spark and now I'm not sure if even had one to begin with.

A stranger walks past, I exhale. The mask is back on and the moment is gone.

So is it just me or does anyone else feel a dull, aching pain in their chest when they listen to positive/motivational things? When someone smiles and are genuinely happy, it sort of borderline gives me heartburn.

My beloved son,

I am sorry for everything.

Sorry i wont see you get old. I would have loved exchanging stories with you.

Sorry i wont see you become a parent. I would have loved to guide you and your partner when you need someone to ask.

Sorry i wont see you go through the pains of having romantic relationships. I would have helped you understand women.

Sorry i wont see you graduate and establish yourself in your career. I would have been supportive of your dreams.

Sorry i wont see you go through school and guide you as a teenager. I would have loved to teach you how to court women.

Sorry i wont see you grow as a child and help you with your school work. I would have shown you how fun it is to learn.

Sorry i wont see you learn to walk or crawl or hear you say "Daddy". I would have taken pictures and videos of all of you Firsts.

Sorry i wont see you being born in this world. I would have named you after me as I am so proud to have you as a son.

Sorry i have not made you. I am a terrible husband and would have been a terrible father.

I am sorry for everything, my beloved son.

I don't know where I should be posting this, which subreddit, but I found this one and decided to try it.

My mom and dad split up last year, in September. Mine and his relationship has been, up and down since then. We go long times without talking, once even more than a month, but then we talk a lot. I stayed at his house a few times too. We were still close, I love him still, he was still my Dad.

But today, because my sleeping pattern is ruined, I went to sleep at 1PM, and was woken up by my Granddad at 7PM. He told me to go downstairs. My mom and grandmother were in the room too, and he told me that my Dad and slipped, fallen into a canal and died.

I've locked myself in my room since hearing, I don't know what to do. I stopped self harm earlier this year but I feel like I want to do it again. Last time I felt like this I tried to kill myself.

I just had to tell someone.

a couple of months back in december i was partnered with a boy for a drama prac and ended up with a raging crush on him. call him john. he was funny; he made me smile, and he knew exactly what to say to make me feel better at my lowest points.

in february, we became a bit closer. on the nineteenth i attended a party where i got wasted and attempted suicide. one week later, a friend who had gone to that party ended up in hospital after throwing himself off a cliff. a day after he attempted was john's birthday. i'd bought him a gift, a sentimental, inside joke that made him laugh when he opened it. i told him about the friend, and we were sure he was going to be okay. long story short, he wasn't. exactly a week after his attempt, our friend died in hospital from his injuries. there was a week at school where lessons weren't compulsory, and i spent most of this week with john rather than with my friends. this was a mistake, as i learnt, and my friends began to resent me for using this awful time to bond with my crush. that wasn't the case. john knew what i needed. john could cheer me up and hold me when i cried. i felt safe with him.

in this time, i began bonding with john's friend, robert. robert was amazing. i'd always been afraid of him; he's quite an intimidating man, but i found his soft spot quickly and we got closer. eventually, my friends pushed me away so much that i ended up spending my lunch breaks with john, robert and their friends. this was when i opened up to them about my mental health issues, and robert told me to give him my number so he could phone me later, which i did. what i got wasn't what i expected. i expected him to give me a pep talk about suicide and how it's wrong, but instead he spoke to me about his own issues with psychosis and his suppressed sides. he hasn't been diagnosed yet, but the best way i can explain it is an extreme form of rapid cycling bipolar disorder. he told me his woes and cried on the phone to me until two in the morning, then we both went to sleep. he came into school the next day wasted.

we organised to go to the cinema on that friday. just the three of us. robert brought a bottle of some alcoholic concoction and he and john drank a lot of it. i avoided the drink just because of my previous experience with drunkenness, and we began our four mile walk to the cinema.

we had to walk over a pebble beach to get there. john was 'drunk', and he had his arm around me. that was fine. the ground wasn't flat; it was difficult to walk across. he started kissing my cheek. that was fine. he was just an affectionate drunk. we walked across the bridge and he turned me around, holding my shoulders, and told me to kiss him.

my mind went blank. i stuttered something like "no. you're drunk." but he kissed me anyway. i didn't mind; it was a little victory. i just kissed a boy i'd been crushing on for five months. that was great. robert hadn't noticed that any of this had gone down, for he had run ahead to get into an abandoned sand playground. we walked together, but john's hand appeared to wander. when robert wasn't looking, john's hand would be ghosting around my ass and that made me a little uncomfortable. i'd move his hand, and he'd leave off until repeating the action twenty minutes later. i remember robert noticing at one point, but he was smashed off his face and can't recall anything from that night.

in the cinema, john and i started making out. a lot. he was feeling me up, fingering me through my jeans, the lot. i was scared and uncomfortable and i just let it happen. i let him do all of it. he had my hand and he guided it to his dick, and i had to feel him rubbing himself with my hand. i was completely dissociating the entire time. it doesn't seem traumatic, but i was petrified for a lot of reasons. i was okay with the kissing, that was fine. but i'm not someone who's comfortable with being manhandled in a cinema full of people by someone they considered one of their best friends. john wasn't drunk by this point. i knew that, and he knew that. his 'drunken' acts previously were put on, and i wasn't quite sure why.

i left later on in the night, and phoned my friend crying. i didn't tell her what happened. i told her he was handsy, but didn't give any further explanation. i excused my crying by saying i'd had a bit too much to drink and that i was emotional. i was perfectly sober. it was raining, and when my dad picked me up he was none the wiser to the tears on my face. i went home, showered, and tried to forget all of it.

in school the next monday, i tried my best to pretend that nothing ever happened with john. i acted normal with him. robert couldn't remember anything from that night. but my friendliness was negated by the fact that every time i saw john i flinched. for a week, i cried in the shower every single night and i didn't even know why. the weird thing was that the words 'sexual assault' never crossed my mind. i couldn't fathom the idea that i was a victim; i'd wanted it, hadn't i? i didn't stop him, i was just a bit uncomfortable. but that didn't explain why i couldn't think back on the occurrence without having a full-blown panic attack. the next week, robert approached me and asked about the kiss. he knew about it; john had told a couple of people who had then spread it on. i said it was fine, that i was fine, that it was just a drunken mistake. then, that night, i phoned him and told him the truth. he said he was going to sort john out, that everything was okay, that he would stop john from ever coming near me if that was what i wanted. i just wanted everything to go back to normal. later i found out that that night, robert tried to hang himself. i had tried to call him at midnight and he didn't pick up; later i found out that it was because he was lying half-dead in a puddle of his own piss. nonetheless, he came into school, spoke to me, and he spoke to john about what happened.

things went a little tits up. john messaged me after school that day and told me that he was going to kill himself to kill the monster in him. he said that he was sorry. he said that he just needed a few days to 'say goodbye'. i was speechless. i was angry. i phoned robert, who had received the same text. i couldn't believe that john was threatening suicide when he knew about the friend aforementioned, when he had held me during the funeral, when he had watched me break down repeatedly about how i wished it was me instead of him, and he was throwing it around because he wanted forgiveness.

but in all fairness, when the anger subsided, in came fear. i didn't want john to die. i phoned him, and he seemed genuine. i wanted everything to go back to normal and i told him that. he promised he wouldn't kill himself. he apologised again and again and again and i forgave him in fear. pretended we were fine. told him that all was forgotten.

i still call robert to this day crying. i still can't put into words how i feel. robert is on suicide watch now; he's getting himself fixed up. everything is going back to normal but i /still/ can't look at john, or even think about looking at john, without a rising panic building in my chest. thank you for your time.

this may be long. i just need to get this out cuz its draining to hold this in. if anyone else is going through something lets talk..judgement free

since March 1st ive been out of my house about 10 times and have been dealing with a bad bout of depression and anxiety. For years ive joked with myself that if i actually was to go to a doctor i would be diagnosed with depression but im a black female..we dont get depressed...we deal.

Either way what triggered my current state was #1 i was losing the person i was dealing(thats a whole other story) with and #2 (the big one) the anniversary of my fathers 1 death was coming up.

Death has alway been hard for me to deal with and im pretty sure its whats started my battle with depression in the 1st place. A week b4 my 12th birthday my nana passed and i didnt deal with it. most of the week i was trying to console other people and when i did cry i went and hid..hell no1 tried to find me and talk so yea. i cried when i saw her body at the funeral home because holy shit she was really gone. Next time i cried was her funeral but what i remember was an aunt telling me to stop crying. Needless to say from then on ive kept my feeling to myself because well who wanted to really hear and/or deal? I became everyone else's person to talk to while going through life with no1 i felt i could lean on.

Fast forward to last year.

In February a aunt died and that hurt but it didnt directly effect me. In March i had a trip i was looking forward 2. So i get there relax and my mother calls saying that they're just trying to make my father comfortable. I broke all the way down. I didnt grow up with the man didnt know him but to say i didnt feel a complete loss is an understatement. i was never going to have that relationship(whether i wanted it or not) and i felt bad for the girl i was and for others in my situation(daddy abandonment issues). i spent the weekend with that looming over my head so i drank and enjoyed myself to the best of my ability. On the way home i got the info that he was gone and once again broke down(i was at a rest stop so i commandeered the bathroom for a lil).

When i got home i went on about life like nothing had just happened. I mentioned feeling some type of way about what happened to a friend and he just looked at me like why you mad. Bottled emotions once again. In June an uncle passed and that was my threshold of things. I was calling out of work leaving work just not giving a shit. I ended up quitting in July.

I started driving uber for money and was cool for a while because hey now im my own boss and i can do what i gotta. By october i started feeling a little blah and sat down for a little to evaluate some things and realized i never really dealt with my father death and it was starting to effect me but didnt know where to start. so i swept it under the rug again.

Since then ive been off and on ok. Ive had some really good days then some really bad days but march shit just hot the fan! i literally woke up March 1 and couldnt do shit. Ive cried damn near every day and have just felt worthless. I live with my mother( who is retired) and not once has she asked me if im ok. Instead shes asked about my damn car. so this is what 7 weeks and not one hey you good whats up etc. This has been our relationship since i could remember so i guess i should be used to it by now huh? Still hurts because honestly shes more concerned about my younger brother(always has been smh)

Ive had abandonment issues( father left when i was 4...told my nana that though my mother loved my brother more than me...nana moved away to be closer to older sister...when people cant get what they want from me i get discarded) so ive been a mess. Just wish that someone i put my effort into did the same for me. i feel so all alone.

ok ive run out of words for now

I'm posting this here because I don't want to spew this on my friends, I don't want to tell it to my brother or parents or even a stranger in a bar. Actually, I want to scream, shout, cry, get in touch with myself like I was weeks ago. It's ok if you comment here or not stranger. This is something I am facing because I ignored myself for way too long.

The only time I actually opened up to someone was during my last relationship, where we both felt so comfortable to cry in front of each other, let the day's struggles come out. It was like an epiphany. I had been honest with myself for a while, completely changed my life. I went from being a fat shy kid with no friends, to being ripped and working as a model, talking to everyone just because I had found myself, I was honest to myself.

And then a couple of months ago I moved for an internship. Mentally the job was taxing, not because it was hard, no, because it was too easy and repetitive so I quit. Good decision for my mental health, way to go Schon_gut. But then I started slacking off, stopped being productive, started making excuses and didn't want to hang out with people or talk to them. I was aware it was happening but brushed it aside as having off days. Just right now I hit my breaking point. It's not a mental low, but the emotions are intense and I can't avoid it any longer.

As I'm typing this sentence right now the tears start rolling over my face again. I haven't felt this sense of relief in a while, but it still feels distant, as if I'm not letting everything through. The pain in my throat is a clear sign of that. I lost my focus, my drive and the inner me is just shouting to stop messing about. It's telling me that this isn't the real me. But I don't know why this happened, or how it came so far. With a high degree of certainty I do know, but I can't seem to tap into it.

Either way, it seems that this topic has kickstarted in me what I had long lost and I'm going to continue with it right now as it seems to be really going well. Don't forget, it's ok to cry and share your emotions, especially as a "grown ass" man.

I'm sorry if this thread is in the wrong subreddit or is using this subreddit wrongly. Mods, feel free to delete it if deemed necessary.

I can't shake the feeling I'm trying to break out of something. I feel trapped in a really small room of brick. Like my life needs to change now, or I will be this, me, for the rest of my life. This might sound hopeful, but I feel like I'm suffocating and I won't be strong enough to break out. And most of me is sick of trying to.

I don't communicate very well, no one understands when I try to explain myself because I don't have the words to explain it. Not sufficiently anyway. I try to find different people, different experiences, even though it's really hard to do being shitty at communicating. If I know enough people, I could amass enough knowledge to fix me. I haven't found anything to get me on the right track.

I've had depression since I can remember. in and out of therapy, nothing seems to work. I'm on medication now, and all it does is take away the apathy, so suddenly I feel the emotional burden I've been carrying for my whole life, and never dealt with. it's crushing.

This will either end with me getting better, or I'm going to kill myself before that happens. I'm so sick of explaining myself, holding myself back from screaming, sometimes I think I'd rather do something violent and crazy to get a point across. Then everyone would understand how I am.

and that sounds ridiculous, right? "I can't feel my feelings, so I'm gonna hurt people". I'd be like "dude, shut up" if it wasn't me. and I do that to myself anyway. I'm banging my head into a brick wall trying to cause some change. I've been having trouble getting out of bed. I'm a college student, so that's really detrimental to my success, and then I get behind and angry with myself, and hopeless that I can get on track again. I did really good on all my midterms, but don't feel good about it. I still feel like a failure because the week after I couldn't get out of bed I was so burnt out. ' I used to be able to take a bath, or take a long walk to feel better. now my body just aches, nothing quells my emotions. they're always in my chest, I feel on the verge of panic attack every time I breathe.

I think, what is causing this, how can I go about fixing it. But finding the source of a problem is really difficult, and once you do how can you even begin to confront it, or deal with it. How can someone feel their feelings? If I felt them in the moment, I think it would bring out others, and I'm scared what might happen. I don't want my friends to not like me, or be scared of me, or think I want to hurt them. I don't want to hurt anyone. I threw a pencil in a girls eye in 1st grade. I've never wanted to hurt anyone again. I felt like a monster. I could have blinded her. I'm worried I could do worse.

I'm worried my life isn't going anywhere. I feel stagnated. This is the bottom, and somehow in the past shitty 19 years, I have already peaked. I can't help to compare myself to other people. Why is it so hard for me to get. why is there so much internal resistance to my feelings, to my desires, my hopes, and dreams? I hate myself for not being what I idolize in other people. I wouldn't be happy with those attributes anyway. There would always be something that would make me better.

I don't know why I'm here. I don't truly believe advice will help. I chose to go through hell when I started this journey to be someone who is expressive and who can show love and happiness to the people around them. That's why I need to figure things out.

For as long as I can remember, i have been struggling to feel things. For some reason people can;t accept that I can't feel like they do. Honestly this irritates me, because what's so wrong with no feeling?Why do I have to cry at my grandmother's funeral? Why is that mandatory? And since I don't people think I'm the emotionless piece of shit, I do have emotions I just don't express them the way most people do. I'm just tired of people treating me like an asshole because I just can't feel the same way they do.

Note: As I'm saying this I'm on Vyvanse 40mg. So I'm hyper, and over thinking. Half this stuff is all over the place and probably will have spelling errors and other mistakes, so bear with it. I also went out of control and went off topic a bit, and I apologize for the long read and boring life story. I just felt like saying what I think and how I describe myself to myself. As all my friends and people I open up to have all began ignoring me over the months, my minds overflowed and I've been so..bottled up. So here it is, please don't be to rough with me or critical. Honestly I'm getting second thoughts about this entire thing out of fear of being harshly judged so I'm just going to press submit and deal with it.

Hello, let's say I'm your average guy. I like talking, I like having fun. I like being social. Now let's toss that out the window. I feel like telling you all my full life story, albeit hopefully not that long. I just want to say everything I think of every single waking moment, for the past year or so. WeatherTheStorm, I hope you get your fill from me, because I'm something different. Let's start young, when I was a somewhat open social and outgoing kid. I loved going over to peoples house, playing and talking. I was that hyper uncaring kid that acted stupid and didn't care. I was always like this through my younger years. I remember how I was always distant though. I attribute most of it to my ADHD-PI, but I know not all of it could have truly been it. In 1st grade I went through an entire year not caring. I just sat there in my desk, playing with my imagination. I'd imagine I was in a car or something while the hours flew by. I was content with this too. A year of my life passed where I made straight F's and failed. All I can remember from it? Me playing inside my head. The next year of course I picked it up and went through school. In 2nd grade I had my first little crush, she was cute and funny, but didn't like me much. Even then I was obsessive and craving attention. I'd always say how she was mine forever, and that no one else could have her. Typical light stuff you would think, but I meant it so much, and was willing to do anything to make it true. Honestly I dismissed it, and no doubt horrified her. Up to 3rd grade I had another crush, and I was serious of this one, I was more obsessive and quiet then I was before. I kept quiet. I've now noticed I kept that attitude. Looking back I can see this is when I became the obsessive, clingy person. As I reached 4th and 5th grade I began to change. I became aloof, shut in and basically antisocial. I sat alone with myself and only talked to people that could maintain my interest (This is where I truly noticed ADHD begin to have an affect) I simply felt like I was just there. Inside I felt alone, depressed and just away from everyone else. I knew this was different though and would no doubt cause me some trouble with someone wanting to mess with me. So I kept quiet. I acted out emotions and feelings, I acted how I though I should when the situation arrived and always sat alone wanting to talk, wanting to be there but feeling I otherwise couldn't. Even if I did go out and talk, I'd feel like I wasn't there. Fast forward through the years and we'll see me in 7-8th.

This is when I really began to notice. I was alone, depressed and wanted attention. I wanted a relationship and someone to be with. I threw away my previous attitude of simply not caring for a girlfriend or any sort of meaningful relationship. This is when I saw a girl I truly liked. She was funny and amazing, and of course somewhat like me, albeit she was more out going and social. Something that actually attracted me. Of course she payed me no mind. The next year she hung around my circle of friends more kind of, and I inserted myself frequently into conversation. I always came up with weird, normally perverse jokes and comments to overcome my own anxiety and fears of talking, something I still do. The more I did this the more I got comfy. After a few months of doing this, I found myself talking to her that summer. We spoke every day and night nearly 24/7 for an entire summer. I realized I truly did care about her. I told her how I am, who I am. It shocked her that I was totally different then how I was with everyone else. How I hide behind what I knew was expected,my 'public' behavior of happy, outgoing, carefree and energetic me. Deep down I was always that alone, depressed, longing kid though. She was the first person I told about..anything. I opened up so much, and showed her perhaps too much. I grew obsessed with her, and wanted to talk to her all the time. I got clingy and needy and never wanted her to go. I always tried not to, but I couldn't help it, and it drove her away. Despite this, she changed me entirely. I was out going, energetic and social. I loved talking and hanging out with people. Stuff I never imagined myself doing, which made it rougher. When she broke up with me, and stopped talking, it devastated me. I went back into my old habits, and it was twice as bad. She'd talk sometimes, but after stopped. After a few months of not talking she began speaking back. I was so happy and excited, only to be left alone and ignored. This hurt me, left me feeling completely indifferent and alone. People I soon opened up to like I did her (Me opening up to her caused me to want to open up more.) began to simply ignore me. They gave no reason, no "I don't feel like talking" or anything. Just ignored me. I suppose that's what I have now. No one talks or anything. No one goes to say hi, or texts. People at school still simply don't interest me or are uninterested in me, to the point I sit there all day just inside my head thinking.

I feel like all these things and little factors shaped me, but then again I feel like this would have happened either way. I feel like this is just what I am. I'm a clingy, obsessive, attention craving, introverted, weirdo. I've given up all hope of any meaningful relationship or friendship, even though I still crave the attention and desire for one. I've just given up hope. I've become so indifferent with a lot of things. Everything over the years that made sense, how people think of me or see me, and how they treat me and ignore me. This was me, yet I still hate it. I hate the person I am. I know people will say to embrace it, but how can I embrace something I hate with so much passion. I'm not suicidal or anything.I'm just..so unhappy with me. I want to change but when I try people notice and end up just making me give up any drive to make any change in myself. I hate how I am so much, and as I write this, and try to think of a way to finish my boring story, my mind is shooting off to somewhere else. This thought is simply,"I wish they would talk back." Anyway sorry for my rambling boring story.. I just..have been thinking a lot about it.

I'm home right now from school. I thought I wanted to be here because I missed things and people from back home when I was away in a different state. But now all I can think of is that I don't belong here at all. I spend most of my time working and any free time I spend alone. None of my friends from high school even care that I'm around and the girl I was waiting for moved on before I came back. If I hate it here so much, why would I have wanted to come back so badly if I didn't hate my school too? I thought I was getting some close friends but I'm starting to find that I don't miss them that much. I feel like I'm just floating through life with no purpose and nothing to give the world. Why should I even be alive if I have no connection to the world? I don't want to die but I don't really feel like being alive either.

I don't really know what I want to say so I'll just say what comes as it does. I don't know how I came to where I am, I think it's just because I've done what was easy and what seemed like what I should do. I don't do thinks because I want to, at least it doesn't really seem that way. I don't even know what I want. I have a rough idea, but... fuck. I'm a 19 year old college student who has taken no initiative in his life and has just done what seemed right at the time. I talked with a friend recently and came to a rough conclusion: I am content with my (what I would call) mediocrity, but I don't believe that is how I should feel. I am utterly content with my lot in life, but I'm not excited or pumped like people on /r/getmotivated or places like that would say I should be, how I'd like to be.

I believe that being content in life is an admirable goal, but I don't want to be content with this, but I am.

Screw this winter!

I've been in some sort of hole for the past six months. I wrote one (depressing) song just because I smoked some cannabis and that's it. I didn't save up any money and I didn't write anything substantial.

In retrospect, I knew it was going to be like this. I moved to this city just to survive the winter "on my own two feet", but I actually moved in with my girlfriend and she's what's been keeping me "sane" through all this. I didn't know I was going to coat myself in apathy, melancholy, disgust and depression. What suffered most? The music did. It is not something I do for myself, it is like a child, I raise it and set it free, hoping it will go where it has to. I used to write cool music, mostly upbeat and uplifting or slow, contempt about things, but in a relaxed, well-argued manner. I did that every week or so and they were all enjoyed by friends and "fans" alike.
What's left of it now? Seven months and a cruddy love song, aimed at all those who sadden me with their sunken eyes which show how they can't spend even fifteen minutes throughout their life without worrying about shit that, in the end, it doesn't matter.

Where are we going? Preserving our good credit for the grave, are we? Do you know when I was the happiest in my entire life? A secluded spot on a sunny day in the sea garden (Varna, Bulgaria) blessed me with mindfulness. I had 6lv (4$) till the end of the next week, so I bought some rice and vegetables. I had nowhere to be, so I sat down and played some music. I had nobody in particular to love, so I loved everyone. I had no place I'd truly call home, so I spent the rest of my time hitchhiking to festivals, beautiful places, cultural centers. I was everywhere. I went around the whole country in one month with 10lv in my fucking pocket, a backpack full of clothes and a guitar. I realized how good it feels to be okay with everything. You have the bare necessities and all you're left with is to open your eyes and embrace the opportunities thrown at you by the world. Touch the grass and see how fine it feels, look how vast and epic the sky is, be awed at the universe and the stars you see at night. "Little things" made little only by our worries.
Imagine you had everything you want and need! Where do you go now? You've nothing left but to sit down, relax, watch how the trees make shadows which seem like ripples on the grass. Do you really need anything except the bare necessities to do that? The lack of content with life, that feeling you're not happy because of something. It's in your fucking head, child. That's what mothers should tell their children. You can't live in the past or future. You can learn from the past and craft the future with what you've learned, but you can only live NOW! You can't expect anything good to happen if you're so depressed because you don't have a real family life yet and you likewise can't expect it when you're so hung up over something that happened half a year ago, wondering/afraid if you'll ever feel the same. Aaaaaaaaaand I kicked my own ass here. That's what I was going for. I'm an idiot to forget this.

But hey, screw this winter! The sun is shining again and summer is on its way. Living is easy, long as you know how to do it.