UPDATE: After reading some of the comments, I realize that I struck a nerve with many people. Perhaps this is due to my neurodivergence itself. Due to my nonverbal learning disability, I find it very difficult to read between the lines. I understand the words that are said, but I don't always understand the words that are implied. I am very literal. Because of this, I sometimes forget that neurotypicals are capable of reading between the lines. I may wind up stating things in a way that seems, to neurotypicals, that I am hinting or implying something else, when in fact I'm not.
It seems that my title, "Not everyone is able to "rejoice" at the sound of a crying baby or screaming toddler in church" gave the wrong impression to some people. While I wasn't intending to imply anything else, it seems that some people felt that I was accusing the entire subreddit of judging me and insisting that I am in the wrong for not rejoicing at the sound of babies crying in church.
I posted this same entry in another Christian subreddit, and I titled it "Welcoming the children AND the neurodivergent in church," and I didn't get the same feedback. In fact, I didn't get any feedback at all, which was what prompted me to make this post and give it a different title. I realize in hindsight that this wasn't a great idea.
I apologize if it seems like I was inferring that children don't belong in church or that I was specifically accusing any of you personally of judging me. That was not my intention. I will try to do better. I am going to deactivate comments on this post.
Original post:
Back in the 1980's, most Christians believed that children should be seen in church but not heard. Many churches had a glass room at the back of the church for babies and toddlers and their families. The sound system was set up so that the people in the glass room could hear the service, but the people in the main part of the church could not hear the people inside the glass room. This way, the babies and toddlers could make noise (as babies and toddlers do) without interrupting the service. Other churches had nurseries or child care available for the little ones during services. Then, there were some denominations that even went so far as to say that a parent taking care of a baby or toddler was exempt from attending church. They discouraged parents from taking their children to church until they were old enough to understand that church is a place where they are expected to be quiet.
Today, most churches have abandoned this way of thinking. Church services are now open to all ages, and we are expected to be tolerant of child sounds in church. Glass rooms are a thing of the past. We are told to rejoice at the sound of babies crying and toddlers squealing or babbling, and that their voices are the voice of God that we came to church to hear. We are also taught that God will judge us harshly if we are annoyed by child sounds or feel that they are a distraction. Anyone who has a problem with child sounds in church, we are taught, is not welcoming or loving to children and needs to change their attitude. Some churches even go so far as to say that people who are annoyed by child sounds are selfish jerks who simply don't belong in church and are just being babies themselves. After all, Jesus said "Let the little children come to me." Therefore, we should be always be open and welcome to any and all sounds and behaviors from children; and shame those adults who feel otherwise.
Sounds good, right? Welcoming people of all ages is a good thing. However, what many Christians (and people of faith in general) don't realize is that by welcoming noisy children and demanding that all adults tolerate them, we are inadvertently making our worship spaces unwelcoming and hostile to another group of vulnerable people: the neurodivergents.
Neurodivergents (or NDs) are people whose brains are wired differently than most people's brains. They include (but are not limited to) people with ADHD, autism, learning disabilities, sensory processing disorder, and other neurological disabilities. Although you usually can't tell that a person is ND just by looking at them, their disorders are just as real as physical disabilities, blindness, deafness, and so forth. People who are not ND are considered neurotypical, (or NT for short).
I myself am ND. I have ADHD and nonverbal learning disability (which means I struggle to understand nonverbal communication) as well as anxiety. In this post, I am going to explain what it is like for me to attend a church service with loud children present, and why the message that "we should all rejoice and never be bothered by child sounds" is harmful and hurtful to ND's. Yes, I realize that most people who say these things do not intend to be hurtful. They are simply ignorant of the ND experience.
Unlike NTs, people with ADHD and similar disorders are unable to tune out unwanted background sound, and focus solely on wanted sound. The part of our brains that filter out unwanted sounds simply does not work, much like a blind person's eyes or a deaf person's ears do not work.
Let's say that I am at a church service with noisy toddlers, and someone is at the front of the church reading Psalm 118 (I chose it because it's a personal favorite of mine). A NT person, who can filter out unwanted sounds, will hear:
"This is the day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad."
However, since I can't filter out unwanted sounds, this is what I hear:
"This is the 'AHHHHH!' that the 'ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-GA!' Let us 'EEEEEEEEEEAAAAA' glad."
So you see, it's not that I don't love children or that I don't believe they should be at church. On the contrary, there are times when I welcome the sounds of children in church; such as Christmas pageants and skits, sermons where the preacher asks the children questions, children doing readings, and singing the hymns. The difference is that those are all wanted sounds. They are part of the service, and I'm expecting to hear them, so they are not an interruption. It's the interruption that bothers me, not the children themselves. If children were doing a pageant in church, and in the middle of it, a parent jumped up and yelled "Hey, everybody, that's my son! Isn't he great!" it would be the parent that bothered me, not the kids.
Interruptions are particularly stressful for people with ADHD, and much more so than for NT's. When a NT is concentrating on something and is interrupted, it's like watching a video on YouTube when suddenly an ad comes on. It's mildly annoying, but once the ad is over, the video picks up in the same exact spot where it left off, and after a few seconds, you forget that the interruption even happened.
For people with ADHD, however, interruptions are more like an obsolete form of technology: dial-up internet. For those of you too young to remember the 1990's and early 2000's, that was when we connected to the internet using our landline (house phone). Back then, every home had a landline. Hardly anyone had a cell phone, and the few people who had one couldn't use it to connect to the internet, because WiFi hadn't been invented yet. Unlike today's smartphones, landlines can only do one thing at a time. This meant that when someone else in your house was on the phone, you couldn't use the internet, and vice versa. If someone picked up the phone when you were on the internet, you immediately got disconnected. It didn't matter if they just picked it up for a second and said, "Oops! Sorry, I forgot you were online!" and hung up. It was too late; you were already disconnected. And because dial-up internet wasn't as reliable as today's WiFi, it could be a minute or more before you got connected again. That's how ADHD brains respond to interruptions. They make us feel as though we are "disconnected" from whatever we were doing before the interruption, even if the interruption is only a second or two.
Also, many ND's have a high startle reflex, and so when we hear a particularly loud and unexpected sound, it can cause us to go into "fight-or-flight" mode, and our body releases adrenaline. If the interruption is only a couple of seconds (like most child sounds in church) the amount of adrenaline released is so small that we barely even notice it. That's why we can handle one, two, or even three interruptions from small children during a church service. However, if children constantly make noise throughout the service, the adrenaline builds up and makes us feel increasingly more frustrated and anxious. At this point, we are unable to have the spiritual experience that we come to church for, and leave church feeling worse than when we came in.
Trust me, it's not something that we can just choose to turn off or ignore. It's an extremely unpleasant sensation, and if it were possible to decide not to be bothered by it, I'd have done so a long time ago. I've tried and tried to learn to just tolerate it, but it's not possible; just like it's not possible for a person with a peanut allergy to "just learn to tolerate" peanuts.
So what can churches do to make ND's feel welcome and included in the service? For starters, avoid saying things like "we should always rejoice when we hear a baby screaming in church" or "it's just the sound of the angels, and if you're bothered by it, you're a baby yourself." These type of statements make ND's feel guilty and ashamed about something that is not their fault. Instead, make a statement that people of all abilities are welcome in church and that you understand that some people have neurological differences that make it difficult to focus in a church service when they're constantly being interrupted by unwanted noise that they are unable to filter out. Let them know that they belong, that you understand their concerns, and you are willing to work with them to find a solution that works for all. Also, do not say "Jesus didn't have a problem with loud children, and so you shouldn't, either!" As I mentioned above, it is simply not possible for us to not be bothered by unwanted sounds. It's a reflexive reaction, and believe me, we really wish we didn't have it. You wouldn't tell a person in a wheelchair, "Jesus walked, so you should too!" or tell a person who is mute, "Jesus talked, so you should, too!"
One possible solution is noise-cancelling headphones that have a wireless connection to the sound system. When one is wearing the headphones, the sound from the microphone will be louder, and all other sounds will be quieter. In other words, it works just like the noise-filtering system that NT's have in their brains but ND's do not. I tried such a headset at church recently, and it really worked! I said to myself, "So this is what it's like for NT's!"
Another solution is to have more than one service. Perhaps you could have a family-friendly service on Sunday morning, and a quiet service on Sunday evening for those who prefer a more peaceful, contemplative worship style. In addition to ND"s, many NT's prefer this type of service, which is also valid. If families with young children show up to the evening service, tell them that they are welcome to view the service via Zoom or livestream in a separate room, such as the parish hall or church basement.
You could also consider having a baby room or cry room, like the glass room I mentioned in the first paragraph. Yes, I realize that many parents find such a room unwelcoming. However, you don't need to stay in there for the entire service. You can just take your baby in the room when they start to act up, and then bring them back when they have calmed down. Other parents and children may find that they prefer the glass room.
Another possible solution is to have child care available during all or part of the service. At my church, we have a service for all ages, including the youngest, about once a month. The other Sundays, we start with the welcome, greetings, and opening song; and then all of the children come forward to hear the preacher tell them a story or teach them about Jesus. This lasts for about 5-10 minutes, and then the children all go downstairs. Children 5 and up go to religious education, and the youngest children go to the nursery.
Do not assume that there are no ND"s in your parish. ADHD, autism, and other neurological disorders are more common that most people realize. Some ND's are afraid to speak up for fear of judgement. Others have not been diagnosed and so they don't realize that they are ND. Then there are those who know that they are ND, but they don't realize that their reaction to unwanted sound is a part of their neurological condition, and may not realize that most people don't have the same problem. Let all who enter your church know that they belong, and have accommodations in place just in case they are needed. Don't wait for them to come to you.
To parents: Your children are welcome, loved, and of course very cute; but remember to be mindful of the rest of the congregation. Not everyone can react with joy upon hearing an infant cry or a toddler scream. We understand that raising children is difficult and we will try our best to be patient, and we ask that you be patient with us ND's as well. We will try to be compassionate towards you, as long as you at least are making an effort to get your children to behave, which may mean removing them from the sanctuary for a bit. Do not permit them to run around church screaming, shrieking, or giggling, as that is not appropriate. Also, do not say things such as "if you're so bothered by babies crying, why don't you help the parents out?" ND's are often overwhelmed by sensory overload, adrenaline, and anxiety in such a situation, and we are having enough trouble managing our own emotions without the added responsibility of looking after someone else's kids. It is not appropriate to expect us to take care of your children when we are in such a state; both for our sake and especially for your baby's sake.
To neurodivergents: You are welcome and loved, and your struggles are legitimate and valid. Do not feel guilty or ashamed. God loves you as you are, and will not judge you for feeling frustrated or annoyed by unexpected interruptions. Don't listen to people who tell you otherwise. If God really wasn't okay with your reaction, He would have given you the ability to filter out unwanted sounds. Also, remember that parents are often struggling as well, and don't want to hear their children screaming any more than we do. Try not to judge them, and have compassion for them. Do not be afraid to speak up to your pastor and let them know about any accommodations that you might need.
I hope this is helpful to all!
