UPDATE!!! : Thank all of you for the kind-hearted words and support / advice. I’ve decided to distant myself from her for now my whole perspective and understanding of her has completely changed these past few days. I will keep all of you in my duas and may Allah bless you and guide all of you to the straight path.
ORIGINAL POST : Assalam Alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
I’m a revert to Islam. Alhamdullilah I took my shahada about a year ago, and since then I’ve been slowly learning and growing in the deen. But I’ve made mistakes along the way, some serious ones, and I want to share one of them here in hopes for guidance and advice on how I should approach the situation.
Not long after I reverted, I got involved with a Muslim woman. She was born Muslim, but not very practicing didn’t wear hijab, didn’t really cover properly, and didn’t seem too concerned with the rules. At the time, I was still new, still learning, and honestly I was just happy someone from the Muslim community accepted me.
We had feelings for each other, and she told me that we could consider ourselves “married” without a wali basically just a verbal agreement between us. I didn’t know any better. I truly thought we were married in Islam. We acted like a married couple in every way including ways that are only halal within a proper nikah.
As time passed, I started learning more listening to lectures, reading, praying regularly and I realized something that hit me like a brick: we were never Islamically married. What we had was a relationship based on ignorance, and I was committing zina without even realizing it.
I was crushed. The guilt, the fear, the heartbreak it all hit me hard. I immediately repented and told her we couldn’t continue like this. I said I wanted to fix it properly to speak to her parents, to do things the halal way with a proper nikah, a wali, witnesses, the right intention.
But she refused. She said her parents would never accept me because I’m a revert and they’re very strict, because of cultural expectations, and now that I’m “too religious” she doesn’t feel the same way about me. She doesn’t want me to talk to them at all. She’s afraid they’d force her into something else or reject her. She’d rather keep things secret or just leave it as it is. And I’ve tried to tell her that having a haram relationship is much more dangerous than trying to make things halal by speaking to her parents and getting to know them but she still refuses. And now she’s looking at ways to marry without a wali which I believe isn’t right because it feels like im betraying Allah SWT.
That’s when I realized we’re not on the same path anymore. I want to obey Allah. I want to do things right. And she wants to keep living in a way that goes against that. It hurts because I still care about her deeply. I believed we were building a life together. But now I see that what we built wasn’t on the foundation of deen.
I’m trying to let go, make tawbah, and focus on my relationship with Allah. But it’s not easy. The emotional attachment is still there. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever faced.
To other reverts: please don’t make the same mistake I did. Learn your deen first. Don’t assume someone born into Islam knows more than you or is automatically religious. Protect yourself emotionally and spiritually. If a relationship isn’t done the halal way, it will only bring pain in the end.
May Allah forgive our sins, strengthen our hearts, and guide us all to what pleases Him.
Ameen.
