So last night I had the audacity to experience pleasure…a solid orgasm, aided by a dab of sildenafil cream…and apparently my pelvic floor took that personally.

About 4 hours later, I was yanked out of a dead sleep by a stabbing pain deep in my rectum that lasted almost forty minutes. Not cramps. Not gas. Just straight-up spectral knife fight in my ass.

After frantically Googling between waves of agony, I learned about proctalgia fugax and its d-bag cousin levator ani syndrome…basically pelvic floor spasms that love to show up during hormonal chaos (hi, menopause), dehydration, magnesium imbalance, or after, you know… using your pelvic floor for joy.

Sitting on the toilet and disassociating helped a little. Going face down, ass up on the bathroom floor while box breathing helped more. I could have done a hot bath but Jesus I just wanted to go back to bed.

Posting this because no one talks about it, and I’m hoping some of you have tips, treatments, or at least solidarity. If your butthole’s haunted too, please report in.

TL;DR at the end.

I’m 56 and have been married for about 35 years. I became post menopausal around May/June of this year.

The last 3-4 years have been hormonal and mental health HELL for me but I held myself together and worked full time, to the end.

My husband and I mostly get along and he’s mostly a good guy but when he’s not, he’s the worst insensitive asshole with zero EQ.

I lost my Big Tech job in July and have been home during the day. I made more than him for years, before losing my job, by the way.

My youngest daughter takes my car to work 4 days a week and my husband works from his office 4 days a week, so I spend those days at home alone with my dog. Fridays they are both gone all day.

Anyway, I give my husband a long time to defrag from work once he gets home. I don’t bug him.

About an hour after my husband got home from work yesterday I took my dog for his evening walk. When I came back I told him about the walk and how our dog didn’t see his best friend and was disappointed.

He flat out says “I don’t care… I have more important things to worry about than your petty problems”

I was so hurt and taken aback!

Pissed… I instantly saw red when he said that. The rage I felt inside was so intense. I told him how rude he is and that I’m constantly listening to him talk about his work … ALL DAY … like he literally calls me several times a day to talk about how shitty his job is and I get no words in edgewise.

I’ve never once told him I don’t care about his work drama.

Anyway, I’m disgusted. It’s been happening more since I lost my job.

He makes comments to minimize or dismiss me and my feelings and then also uses painful things I share with him to hurt me.

But then of course, the next day he tries to give me a kiss in the morning and acts like nothing happened. Nope. Not happening.

TL;DR

I now understand gray divorce. It has nothing to do with menopausal women being thrown away because we’re too old.

It has everything to do with us finally recognizing our own value, getting FED UP with shitty behavior from our husbands and demanding respect / wanting something more joyful … even if that means living alone.

The Food and Drug Administration says it is removing the black box safety warnings from all hormone therapy creams, pills and other treatments prescribed to ease the symptoms of menopause and perimenopause.

https://www.npr.org/sections/shots-health-news/2025/11/10/nx-s1-5604283/fda-menopause-hormone-therapy

I’ve raised hell, then raised two kids, been the breadwinner, adopted all the stray animals… And I’m damn tired. But I’m 50 and I’m expected to work for the 20 years+ where, to be frank, my expertise matters less the less fuckable I become.

I want to lie in bed with the dog, wear sweatpants, drink tea.

But I can’t. So I’m scrolling through HRT and Botox and facelifts and glp1s and “haircuts to hide a double chin.”

Anyone else feel this way?

I’ve been experiencing prolonged irregular bleeding for a few months now. Went into the ER last week because of anemia and feeling like I was going to pass out. ER did a couple of ultrasounds and found a small 1.8 cm mass in my uterus. Ultrasound says it resembles a fibroid, although is indeterminate. Saw Gyno for my follow up today and he said it has solid and cystic components so he’s not sure if it’s a fibroid or a polyp or what it is. I told him I wanted a hysterectomy and he said yes, and we scheduled that for the first week of December. But as we were finishing up, he said, “I’m just gonna go in there today and take a biopsy. It will be quick and easy.” And I said are you really concerned about the pathology of this? Since I’m doing a full hysterectomy in six weeks anyways, can’t that just wait till after the hysterectomy? And he was like well, yeah, but there’s a chance it could be cancer and we’d like to know. And I said, if you do this biopsy today, are you going to give me any sort of pain medication or anything? Because I’ve heard they’re extremely painful. And he was like no, there’s nothing I can give you. And then I said, well, what percentage chance do you think that this is cancer and needs to be acted on right away? And he said, I think there’s only about a 10% chance. And I said, OK well I don’t wanna be traumatized today and we will just wait for the hysterectomy.

But seriously, I want to tell you guys thank you because if it wasn’t for you, I probably would’ve had a traumatizing and painful experience today and I’ve already had enough medical trauma in my life!

Here me out: maybe after 20 years of repeating which drawer the can opener goes in or being the only one to refill the napkin holder or asking nicely that the bath towels not be washed in the same load as the dog towels, it’s just normal justifiable anger and irritation. Maybe I don’t have to have a hormonal balance to be fed up.

Edit: Thank you for the upvotes and award. It’s very validating because what prompted this post was me googling menopausal rage to see if I had it. We should question ourselves less

Younger womenfolk: heed my words. The elders have not sufficiently prepared us for the Change In Life. So here's my quick and dirty, boots-on-the-ground overview to what Cougar Puberty might look like for you, because it's sure as hell what it looks like for me.

Week one: ALL OF THE EMOTIONS ALL AT ONCE AT FULL VOLUME. YOU CAN NOT TURN THEM DOWN. You'll wake up legit feeling like you're about to have a full-blown panic attack. You may even HAVE a full-blown panic attack. The anxiety makes your heart flutter so goddamn bad, it feels like your blood's been replaced with pure caffeine. You'll feel like you're in fight or flight mode, for hours on end, for a week straight! And any time the anxiety starts calming down a bit, the tears start. No reason, though you'll still try to justify one. "Is it loneliness? I am in this house by myself all day. Nostalgia or maybe premature empty nest syndrome? The kid is an adult, but she is still living at home. Is it Gaza? Am I crying about Gaza?" Some days will be bad enough that you can't even will yourself out of bed! You'll legitimately feel like you're losing your mind and spiraling down into madness IN REAL TIME! You'll be stuck in a cycle of anxiety, crying, fatigue napping, and yelling at yourself to pull it together all day for a week! Fun! All that, AND you won't be able to will yourself to eat! In fact, you may even throw up if you try! It's just fatigue and emotions and an inability to force down anything more substantial than broth or ice cream for 5-8 days in a row. That week ends emotionally exhausted and 5-10 lbs lighter, but don't worry! You'll gain it all back next week...

Week two: Suddenly your reproductive organs (or what's left of them, if you're like me) have decided you're 18 and on the prowl. Week two will have you VERY distractedly and involuntarily daydreaming about being spit-roasted backstage at a dirty crustpunk show on a pile of poorly-xeroxed political pamphlets and sweat stained battle vests by your spouse and Tom Wlaschiha. That kinda daydreaming was fun the first time around when I went through puberty in my teens, but now it's just distracting and annoying because I have to cook dinner right now, TOM. At least the husband appreciates the extra attention that week, but I have to wear headphones and blast Green Day to keep my mind on cooking. Also, regarding that 5-10 lbs you lost, you'll gain it all back as soon as your appetite returns, cuz you'll be insatiable in that way, too! There's not enough snacks in the house to fill this hollow leg! But at least there's finally a bit of respite because in week 3...

Week three: I am a village medicine woman. I am the kindly witch in the cottage in the woods. I am an ethereal fae creature briefly gracing the mortal realm. I hold the sacred knowledge of breadmaking and deadheading roses and how to attract pollinators and which leaves to Not Touch. I am one with nature and the divine. I commune with the animals and understand the ways of the fungi. Peace be upon you and your home.

Week four: Alright, I'm rebuilding this whole sumbitchin' chicken coop TO. DAY. with or without your help, so either pick up a Dewalt or get the fuck out of my hair. ~snot rockets on ground and walks away with a swagger~

And then the cycle repeats anew...

And all this is happening while you're ALSO dealing with brain fog that makes you wonder if you're developing early-onset dementia, battling thermoregulation issues that'll have you flushed and sweating from your chest while your arms and legs have goosebumps from the cold, and running on fumes because a few consecutive nights of insomnia peppered in now and then is kind of exciting. It's a goddamn NIGHTMARE. Don't let the doctors try to bogart hormones when the time comes. Fight for yourselves. BUT ALSO, prepare the people in your lives to fight for you, too, because things that wouldn't have felt like too much at one time do often feel overwhelming with the brain fog and anxiety.

Anyway, that is all. I felt the need to shout this into this void, because nobody did that for me and it is hitting me like a ton of bricks lately.

So Ive got serious brain fog. Like Im just out here raw dogging the world! I used to keep a running log of all the things I needed to do, all the things the kids needed to do, all the things my partner needed to do, etc. But now…nothing!

Oh sure, I can remember like maybe one or two things. I have a written list, but I usually forget to add things to it.

I used to make a 5 day meal plan for dinner and do all the grocery shopping for it in one day. Now it’s day to day at best and usually my partner goes to the grocery store instead of me because Im perfectly happy to just eat whatever is in the fridge.

I used to care very much about fashion, makeup, hair, etc. It was fun! It was creative! But I stopped wearing makeup during covid and havent bothered to start back up again. Stopped wearing a bra then too. Not going back. I bought myself a “uniform” of five pairs of comfy pants and 10 tank tops (I live in SoCal so it’s always warm. I’ll get a sweatshirt or two in December) and wear them every day.

I was getting really upset about all this until I realized Im simply acting like a man! All of these new habits are what men do! Not keeping a running list of everyone’s everything! Thats what men do! Not wearing makeup, bras, and having a uniform- thats what men do! Not meal planning and just deciding what to eat when I get hungry because someone else has filled the fridge- thats what men do!

Does anyone else have anything to add to the list of changes they’re experiencing that have turned them into men? LOL!

Update to my original post ten days ago. So… after receiving some great advice from you all I decided to see if I could scale it back, radiate positivity, and keep my job. I told the boss I wanted to move forward with her ‘trust based accountability process’. She replied that she was glad, and asked after my health. I thought her care was genuine (big mistake) and admitted that I’d been dealing with some health issues that had been exacerbated by workplace related stress. All seemed well. Two days ago, I appeared for the usual weekly check to find the Board Chair at the table. He handed me a severance package (fortunately with a decent buyout), effective immediately. I have been a top performing employee for years. I have always far, far exceeded my performance goals. None of this had affected the actual performance of my job. For the record, the office skews young. They laid off the only other employee over 50 last month (and asked me to take on her tasks in addition to my already full time job without a raise, of course). I find I am … relieved. It will impact my finances, but right now I don’t GAF. I’ll live off my severance for a bit, work on some creative projects. Maybe I’ll go back into consulting. Or maybe I’ll just eat beans and live in a van down by the river. I do know that I’ll never go back to bosses, or hierarchies, or office kiss ass shenanigans. For the record, I am on HRT and generally feel pretty balanced. I’m just done with the people pleasing and masking crap. No more bullshit for me.

I see you. Behind those sweat pants and the perpetual ponytail that you decided not to dye, I see you. Exchanging heels for walking shoes, underwire bras for sports bras and then for nothing at all, I see you. Letting your jowls droop and upper arms sag, eating what you want and forgoing the extreme diets because you want to be comfortable now, I see you. Doing moderate exercise instead of extreme sports and competitions, for your health and not your ego, I see you. Disappearing into a sea of other middle-aged people who refuse to follow society's evergrowing expectations of us at all ages to be thin enough, youthful enough, firm enough, wealthy enough - you've had enough. And you know what? You're still that beautiful little girl behind those reading glasses and stretch pants. I see you.

At my six week check up for my HRT, was happy to get my E adjusted up slightly, and added a small dose of T. Get to the pharmacy and the woman ringing me out nervously says I need to “consult with the pharmacist”. She was so awkwardly nervous you could cut it with a knife. Wouldn’t even make eye contact with me. Then the pharmacist comes over and loudly reads out the “new” meds, a vaginal suppository and testosterone, looks at each medication, one of which is my thyroid med, then asks, “Do you mind if I ask why you’re taking this, (t) because you’re also getting estrogen”. I said it’s hormone therapy. He reluctantly nods. Then he says, you know, estrogen will make your thyroid meds not work as well. I said that’s interesting, considering I was on birth control for 30 years, and for the past ten, was getting it at this pharmacy until four months ago, and no one ever seemed concerned about that being an issue. He mumbled something and slithered away. Why is society like this? I also had to show ID because apparently T is a controlled substance. I walked out of there feeling like I was being guilt tripped/gaslit/whatever the fuck. But did NOT feel guilty or bad AT ALL for asking for, and GETTING what I need to feel better! Anyone else experience something like this??!!

Edit: a word

I'm a 50 year old perimenopausal woman. I'm just really regretting my life, I'm regretting getting married, I'm regretting having children, I'm regretting not pouring into myself. I'm regretting I didn't remember who I was. I have extreme distain for my mother because I had to raise my sister until she was 12 until I left home at 23. I have extreme distain for all of my aunts and uncles for making me take care of my grandmother who was dying of cancer when I was 17 and pregnant. Does anyone feel trapped and weighed down by being a damn servant to everyone!?

My year old testosterone prescription was up for an auto-refill. The pharmacy (Canada) called because they were concerned. The pharmacist wanted to know if I knew that testosterone is a male sex hormone, and not for women. I calmly explained that we also have testosterone and that in menopause it can decrease and that my menopause specialist at the hospital prescribed it, and I do not take the same does as a man. Then they called my dr to check.

I am livid. Should I just switch pharmacies? Should I go in there with print outs of medical journals so I can educate them and save other women this stupidness?

I do not reeeeaaallly need advice, more so I want to tell you all, because I am so pissed off.

lol wow. My husband really tried to mansplain me about women and menopause this morning. 😳

He showed me an article and a video of JLo dancing at her concert

(Apparently, some people don’t approve of her attire and dance moves, but I say GOOD FOR HER that she’s still got it - wish I did!)

I told him I just want JLo’s energy and to know what she’s taking because she and I are the same age and I’m just a slug now. 🐌

He replies “Some women don’t go through menopause” 😳

I looked at him crazy … and said she might not have hit THAT stage yet but all women go through menopause!

Anyone else wish she’d share her energy secrets? I did a light strength workout on Sunday and I’m still beyond sore and can barely walk … I would love to wake up feeling energetic and not be exhausted by 9pm.

The worst symptoms of my perimenopause were never the hot flashes, weight gain, night sweats, or dryness. And honestly, I’m angry that this is still what society reduces menopause to. Especially the people promoting supplements.

Yes, those symptoms can be intense. Yes, they’re uncomfortable. But at different points in our lives, women have dealt with all of them and kept going. Hormonal changes are a normal part of our biology. These aren’t new. They just become more pronounced.

But the real disruption? The one that pulled the rug out from under me?

It was the brain fog. The dizziness. The memory lapses. The sudden inability to focus. The disorientation that made me feel like I couldn’t trust my own mind.

That’s what no one prepared me for.

They chip away at your confidence, your energy, your identity. They bring depression. They feed anxiety. They silence your voice.

So please, let’s start naming the real impact of perimenopause. Let’s move beyond the superficial checklist and talk about the full picture. If you’ve felt this too, you’re not imagining it. And you’re not alone.

Update! I am the OP of this post. It's been over a month and I am still doing well with the switch to an SLS-free detergent and no itching. I just wanted to check on others of you who have switched and wondering if you were also cured?

Please comment and let me know! Fingers crossed this solved your problem!

I feel like this belongs here as it may just help other women experiencing vaginal itching that just never goes away. Mine has finally been solved. I hope this helps someone else.

I am almost 55 and in very good health. I went through menopause on the early side—about 9 years ago. I am one of the super fortunate ones who experienced zero side effects..my periods just stopped and that was that. My mother experienced the same thing.

About a year and a half –two years ago, my vagina started itching. The itch was incredibly intense and non-stop. It seemed to be all around the vaginal area. I didn’t see or feel a rash—just the itch. I changed everything I could think of: laundry detergent (twice), toilet paper (twice) body wash and soap (several times). Nothing made a difference. I had no other symptoms to indicate it could be a bacteria thing or a yeast infection, no discharge, no odor, no pain, no bleeding. Just an excruciating incurable itch.

Coincidentally, I had (and still have) an external hemmorhoid. It does not bother me in any way—no bleeding, itching or anything. It’s just there. In my quest to rid myself of it, I was trying a couple of otc products (tuck’s wipes, Prep H, etc). These were useless but it occurred to me they might be contributing to my vaginal itch. Maybe something in one of those products was the itch culprit. They weren’t working anyway so I stopped using them. The itch continued.

I eventually saw my doctor, who agreed it did not seem like vaginosis or yeast infection but she prescribed a steroid cream, confident it would relieve the itch, even though we couldn’t pinpoint the cause. This cream did nothing. She prescribed another, more potent one. Again, no relief.

Two years is a long time to endure insane itching. I was becoming cranky, upset, and hopeless. Another call to my doctor and she thought it was possible that even though it had been about 9 years since my last period and I was well into menopause, perhaps the itching was related to vaginal dryness that women get in menopause. She started me on Estragyn (estrogen cream), once a day. This was a topical cream. Since I had no other single menopause problem or symptom, I was hesitant. But she’s the doctor and I was desperate to stop this itching.

I should interject here and say my inner thighs were also red and super sensitive while this whole itch thing was happening. They weren’t itchy…they just looked and felt different. Just wearing jeans for an afternoon would make them so much worse, I used Vaseline all-over-body balm that people use as a friction solution. It actually helped my inner thighs tremendously.

So anyway, I was applying the estrogen cream once a day diligently for several weeks. No progress was being made at all. I still itched to the point of madness. I kept at it though, because these things can take time.

Then one day I happened to come across something online about how people get angular chelitis (cracks in the corner of the mouth) from SLS (sodium laurel sulfate) found in most toothpastes. I had cracks in the corner of my mouth that I could never really get rid of. I checked my toothpastes…sure enough..SLS! I switched to SLS-free toothpaste and in 2 days my mouth was healed and has been crack free ever since. I even posted on another Reddit thread about this solution. I was super happy.

Then I started thinking…what items/products could be touching my vaginal area so often that they could be causing me to itch? What if it was something simple like an ingredient in a product –even though I had changed everything---that was against my skin in that sensitive area and causing the itch??

Could it be SLS in my laundry detergent? My clothes are against me 24/7. I had switched mine out a couple of times but what if SLS (now I know I have a problem with it!—not everyone does, though) was in the newest detergent I was using?

Sure enough..my Tide Free & Gentle has SLS as an ingredient. The previous kind I used also had it. And the kind before that.

I bought a new detergent that is SLS free, rewashed all my pants, underwear, leggings, pajamas, bed sheets and towels and my itch was gone in about 30 hours and has not returned. That was over a week ago.

Almost two years of agonizing itch because of that. It was also the likely cause of the inner thigh sensitivity and redness also.

I am so happy I am back to normal and if you have itching you cannot solve or get rid of, you may want to avoid SLS in laundry detergents.

First there was menopause. Now there’s menopause with a gigantic bare Christmas tree towering over me in the living room and I can’t be arsed to decorate it. I’ve made lists of presents and lost them. I’ve bought presents and forgotten where I put them. I’m feeling completely unsociable and would just like to be in an anonymous hotel, alone with room service, a selection of snacks and Netflix.

Change my mind lol. But seriously. If men couldn’t sleep for years because of hormones there would be a pill, a procedure, something that actually fixed it.

Instead we’re told to try yoga and dress in layers like that’s gonna solve waking up drenched every single night.

I’ve read through the wiki and tried so many things, magnesium, cooling sheets, sleep hygiene routines, cutting caffeine, all the usual advice. Some help temporarily but nothing sticks long term.

The fact that we just accept this as normal is absolutely insane to me. Half the population goes through this and the best solution medical science has is wait it out.

Am I wrong?

Does this make anyone else mad or am I just sleep deprived and grumpy lmao.

That’s right. My female, millennial’ish doctor, laughed at me when I told her how upset I was over the 50 pounds I gained in 6-months, due to Wellbutrin & Menopause.🤬

Over the course of 4 months last year, I begged my doctor for Zepbound due to rapid weight gain.

In my last appointment of 2024, (December), I mentioned it again and was so upset.

🚨 Her Joke: She laughed and said “Yes, I’ve been watching your growth chart and it just keeps going up and up!” and kept snickering about it … she thought she was so clever with that. Pissed me off so bad. 🤬

That statement has stuck with me and made me feel so bad about myself. Also made it clear that I can’t trust this skank.

I ended up finally going around her to get compound.

So fast forward to April this year, after I lost 25 lbs. She scoffed and shamed me when I said I was still so tired and wondered if something was off with my hormone levels.

She said “No! You’re tired because you lost too much weight, too fast!”

Mind you, I was 170 and 5’5” at that time. Clearly didn’t lose too much, too fast!

Like what in the actual fuck is wrong with these doctors? Somehow now they think they can talk to us any kind of way, disrespect and belittle us and try to make us feel like we are BAD AND WRONG for wanting to feel better!

This is my 4th doctor since 2021.

Anyway, I fired her but not before filing a complaint and sending negative feedback to the clinic manager.

I doubt it matters.

Even after I said “Fine, if a man needed testosterone for his penis, it would be approved.” They said that’s still profanity. So when I was listing reasons to justify my appeal I added “And my vagina and breasts hurt. Which are not profane words, but parts of the body.” And he said “Yes, ma’am, I have recorded that your vagina and breasts hurt.” Small amount of petty pleasure in this debacle. Been fighting insurance since July to get estrogen approved in any form.

I had a thought today that I realized I could only post in this forum because only women like me, at this stage, could possibly understand....I had to go get a calcium score done because my cholesterol levels & BP have decided to go through the roof since Peri started. As I laid down on the table getting ready to be moved into the machine in my sexy hospital gown, the tech asked me to raise my arms above my head. It suddenly occurred to me, laying there like that, that there was a time when I was in that position while having great sex & feeling beautiful & young.... And now I'm getting a CT scan of my heart because I'm old, my joints hurt & nothing is fun anymore. I can't tell you how this hit me suddenly, this passage of time & all that goes on in our lives in the span of a few seconds because someone asked me to change my position... It made my eyes well up for the girl I once was, that feeling we would have of anything being possible, excitement for the future, feeling confident in yourself... Just wanted to share that... Idk... I feel like I'm probably not the only one who is wondering what the hell happened & looks back with sadness sometimes 🥺

It is really interesting how invested some are in women being in the dark ages about menopause and not empowered. I made a post about how Gen X women b. 1965-1980 were being overlooked when it comes to advocacy for menopause . I mentioned how brilliant Halle Berry was to go to the hill and advocate.

Menopause is now seen as "having a moment" and will bring in millions of dollars in revenue. My gym is even targeting training and classes for it. My concern is that "menopause" is being marketed as a millennial matter when Gen X is currently in the thick of it still and our voice matters.

I was appalled when one member used the analogy of the "Golden Girls" as a model for HRT advocacy. Another inferred that I was having mental and hormonal issues to post about it at all.

The truth of the matter is a lot of women still don't have resources or the knowledge they need about Menopause and HRT. There are still women in Gen X who believe HRT is "bad" and when it comes to marketing products, developing new drugs or whatever, it will be important to have input from those of us in our 50's and 60's.

I get that millennials are getting HRT earlier than we did but there is still much to be known about how it affects Gen X women going forward.

My husband slurps his coffee in a borderline comedic way. It's horrifying. I've been up since 2 am sweating. He's slurping his coffee so loudly. And now he's pouring a bowl of crunchy cereal. Walking around in his extra flippy flops farting loudly. And watching YouTube at full volume in the same room as me.

Question - will this eye twitch be permanent? I used to love him. Now.... I just need to figure out what to do with this frozen shoulder long enough to dig a big enough hole.

Lieu Sorry. Wasn't caffeinated and didn't notice that autocorrect betrayed me.

Edit 2: I know that HRT can fix this problem. I have been to a half dozen doctors. I am not eligible for any kind of HRT due to a pre-existing condition. Certain kinds of hormone sensitive cancers make you ineligible for HRT.