Yes you get it from your kids.

A place where jokes are told - sub and tell a joke and you’ll likely get a plat!

...have you considered taking a chauffeured limousine to their insanity?

The bartender asks "Why the long face" to which the horse responds "I just found out my real dad was a giraffe."

Frankly I’m butter-off without it.

When Einstein spoke, he equal emcee square!

May divorce be with you.

The store manager walks up “Uhh sir are you okay?” to which the blind man responds “Yes thanks, im just looking!”

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

“We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people are trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand, I knelt down, and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What did he say?"

"He said: 'Where did you get the shitty hairdo?'"

Edit: Thank you for the gold.

I’ll personally be performing 1 hour individual cunnilingus sessions on the first 12 girls to arrive. Mathematics not required.

Hey what happened at fight club during your trip out to Vegas?

I say I’m guilty as charged

It's where I flip your MOM over

She often starts conversations with "Are you even listening to me?"

We just clicked.

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

Because they’re good at it.

He said "dude these are legs not hands"

Because 7 was a registered six offender

And he killed his wife

I present him to you with my condiments, love, and condolences.

Let all of our thoughts and prayers be with Mr. Peppercorn, who was swallowed in a senseless act of verbal and oral violence. Gulp!!!

Nevermind. She was just getting the mail.

Do not downvote the one you do not think because it messes up all the results.

I never get a straight answer