The Dean wishes me to inform you that you may dress as you like on campus. Despite the fact that I firmly stated that our darling young men would get distracted by the various body parts flaunted by the girls, he insists that as you are adults, you may dress how you please.

Although I implored him to think of how the young men would learn if they were distracted by such unseemly things as shoulders, he rebuffed me. "Come now, Dolly," he said, "surely you were young and daring once!"

When I informed him that at no point had I dressed so disgracefully, he had the gall to roll his eyes at me. Therefore, I must insist that despite these awful edicts the Dean has me pass on, you dress to impress.

You can do this by:

• Covering your shoulders

• Covering your knees

• Making sure your chest is adequately covered

• Remaining clean-shaven at all times

• For men: having a short, manly hairstyle

• For girls: abstaining from wearing makeup

So kindly ignore the Dean and do as I suggest.

If I recall correctly, there was this guy that graduated from this university around 40~ish years ago, and ten years later he ends up becoming one of the most wanted criminals in the nation. You can read about him in the library. The librarian keeps a special archive of his biography in the very back of the first floor.

Whenever I ask my friends who they think is the famous alumnus/graduate of this place, they always go "Oh, that grocery store robber!" Ugh. It annoys me so much that our famous alumnus happens to be a criminal. Do we have any famous alumni that are GOOD?

Has anyone else noticed this? It feels like a frumpy, misogynistic cloud has been lifted! I took my coat and sweater off to expose my tank top as I walked by the administration building today and I didn't even get glared at! It was chilly, but I felt liberated! And then I got a hot chocolate at the cafe, don't judge me ok? Maybe I'll wear my tank top inside the admin building tomorrow, how exciting!

I wasn't expecting Mrs. Abaddon to react like that. I haven't seen her on campus these last couple days, does anyone think it'll be a repeat of the slutwalk? I feel like I'm a little kid again and I just knocked over a big pop onto my Mum's bible, and she hasn't found out about it yet but she will soon. And I'm trying really hard to wipe it up but the ink smears because Mum's a cheapskate, and the entire book smells like coke and old book smell. And then I got sent to my grandmother's for a month because my Mum said she couldn't bear to be around me. And Gramma taught me how to make kraft dinner.

What I mean is, anyone else got that tenterhooks feeling? But like, in a bad way.

https://www.reddit.com/r/subredditoftheday/comments/jdsiqd/october_18th_2020_rhaveumet_roleplay_in_a

The Dean, after I told him of my plan to ban foodtrucks, would like to make it clear that they are allowed on campus and will not be getting banned. Why he simply does not make an account to do this, I do not know. His words to me were "Dolly, the kids get along well with you, why don't you tell them?"

Despite Mavis's treachery, she will be allowed to stay. Furthermore, he would like to announce that since she is an independent business person, she is not part of the university and therefore is not taxed as the on-campus food services are.

I am quite certain that upon reading this announcement, you will all go rushing to gleefully stuff your faces with illegal, oversalted pizza. Oh joy.

I've gotten a lot of pushback over this idea, but I finally managed to put it together.

A slutwalk is an even designed to empower women by openly flouting society's patriarchal expectations of us, and refusing to have our worth judged based on how we dress. We will all gather in front of the library and march across campus to the engineering building, where we will have several guest speakers talking about their experiences facing harassment as women in male dominated colleges and disciplines (including me).

The event is open to all women/womxn who identify as such, along with any trans men, NB, or genderfluid participants who have been oppressed by society's expectations. And yes, men can join too, as long as they are there to offer support, not to gawk or hijack.

Participants should dress in absolutely any way they feel comfortable. The slutwalk is a safe space where nobody will police your appearance. In the last slutwalk I did, there was someone dressed in a Charmander costume. You be exactly your true self and nothing else.

Anyway, I expect that assistant to the dean Dolores Abaddon will do her very best to shut us down, because she hates women almost as much as she hates fun.

Went to go to the dining hall like I do every morning I'm not on the schedule to work and there weren't any mozz sticks. I thought they ran out, so I asked the cook and he said due to budget cuts no more mozz sticks and they're probably going to cut out more fried foods. What the fuck? Who the fuck can I like complain to about this, because I'm losing my mind. I've been eating here every morning with a heaping pile of mozzy goodness for the past 3 years.

Can we start a petition or something?

EDIT: Before anyone asks, yes I know Cormorant never had the breaded cheese ooey gooeys. I'm talking about the Piper - and they're going to pay for this.

To my disgust, I have recently learned that some students living on campus have been engaging in bullying of their fellow students. Needless to say, this sort of behaviour is extraordinarily shameful. Making fun of people for having ridiculous conditions is cruel and could drive them to suicide, which would negatively impact our university and bring shame upon us all. It is also quite tragic for the affected student.

Those of you who have been partaking in this deplorable activity know who you are. Were it possible for me to know who you are, rest assured that you would be expelled immediately for your acts of violence. Unfortunately I have no way of knowing who has done this unless I am informed.

As it stands, I am coordinating with security to crack down on bullying on campus. We are currently in the planning stage, although I personally am leaning towards a zero tolerance policy. It is the ideal way to protect the university from lawsuits as well as the student body. And as always, safety is our first priority.

Yes, I know it sounds ridiculous. Heck, I think it's ridiculous too! But like seriously guys I actually am allergic to carrots. So can you please stop putting them outside the door of my room? It's not very funny! I love carrots and now I can't eat them anymore because I might die and you are taunting me with them and I'll never eat carrot cake again. It's just so mean! And also, I could go into anaphylactic schock and die. I have several epi-pens, but have I mentioned that I could die? Because I could die. So stop it!

THE KRYSTAL STATUE NEEDS TO GO BACK WHERE IT BELONGS!!! 🔙💃 WHEN US FANS SAW IT, WE WERE HORRIFIED 😱 THAT OUR QUEEN 💃 WAS GONE!!! 👋 THIS IS UNFAIR!!! 😡😡 WE DEMAND IT BE PUT BACK OR WE WILL BE VERY ANGERY!!! 😡😡😡 THAN WE ALRADY ARE!!! 😡😡😡😡😡

I lost my wig last night after a particularly raucous performance at the Hooch Owl. I've been looking everywhere for it and can't find it, had anyone seen it? It is made out of human hair, is pink, and is styled into a curly mullet/pompadour. If you find it successfully, I will invite you up on stage at my next performance, if you are comfortable with that. Otherwise, I will do your makeup for you or give you style advice. Bring my baby home!

Hello all, Dolores wants me to let you know that she disapproves of unmarried people celebrating Valentine's Day. You can probably imagine what she said so I don't feel the need to write it, really. That said, you kids have fun and stay safe out there! If you're scrambling to get your special someone something that isn't too expensive, I have an in at the local chocolatier. If you swing by Dolores's office by the end of the day I'd be happy to help you out!

Happy Valentine's Day, George

I could only gasp in shocked horror as the head bandit herself, Bella Wren, followed by her sycophantic troop of miscreants, stormed my ultimate safe space: the administrative building. She and her gang of budding criminals immediately took up residence outside my office clad in their birthday suits, naked as they day they were born but for the smallest of consessions to decency. The shoulder pads did little to contain the heaving bosoms that bounced wantonly as they jumped up and down in a frenzy.

My assistant, a sweet elderly gentleman by the name of George, hurried to close the blinds before my behest. Unfortunately, he could not move as quickly as he could in the thick jungles of Vietnam, and a young man burst through the unlocked door to tear the blinds off the windows entirely. The rest of the horde rushed in after him as he gyrated his hips at me in ecstacy.

Soon, I was surrounded by a mass of pulsating, animal flesh. Had these hooligans no common decency? I could only wonder at that thought as my poor, downtrodden legs collapsed under me and I fell to the floor, hitting my head on the corner of my desk on my way to the ground. Luckily for me, the carpet in my office is quite soft and cushy, so apart from the concussion I was not injured.

Upon waking up in the ambulance, I could only gaze blearily around at the nurses attending it. None of them had the manners to get me a cup of ice tea, despite the fact that I made my need for it quite clear. They transported me to hospital, where the doctor diagnosed me with a concussion and ordered me to take the month off work. I am certain that the scofflaws on campus are rejoicing at this news, but rest assured that such unfortunate events will not keep me down for long. When I return, I intend to do great things.

Until then, my assistant George, who is dictating this, will complete my duties as well as his.

P.S. Hello folks, this is George here. Sorry about that mess, you know how Dolores is. I would like to correct her that I did not fight in Vietnam - I'm not sure where she heard that, but it is totally false. I've never been a soldier anywhere due to my asthma. To the man who took down the blinds, please give me the money to replace them and we'll say no more about it.

Her pizza is so much better than the pizza that used to be on campus, and cheaper too! I'm getting hungry again just thinking about it haha. Her pizza is my comfort food, whenever I'm feeling down I head over and it makes me happy. Which, OK, is pretty much every day, so stop judging me. And she's recently started selling some bomb poutine! The only drawback is that the line is always huge. Does anyone know if she's planning on branching out?

Also, a big thank you to Dolores Abaddon for causing this to happen. Mavis's food is one of the few good things in my life right now and it helps me feel not so terrible about myself. And I'm getting emotional again, so I'll just end it here.

None of my classes have been fun this term whatsoever. I thought my Math class would be at least somewhat tolerable because I got the cool Professor in the math department, but he got fired in the first week and now I'm stuck with this old boring dude who doesn't even know what exponents are. How is he teaching at a university level???

But enough ranting, I'm looking for some fun classes to take next term. If you got any suggestions, let me know because I've been bored as hell in all my classes. If you guys are down, maybe we can take a fun class together so we can have someone to talk to for homework assignments and stuff.

Truly, I am horrified by this generation's heathenish ways. It took me several days to recover from the fugue state that that evil slutwalk put me, and as a way of processing my horror, I have decided to write about it here.

The day dawned overcast, with a slight breeze. I suppose that this should have been a foretelling of the terrors yet to come, but in my naivete I was innocent. I waited along the main road, ready to halt those whoreish people in their tracks. I had armed my mind for what was to come - or so I thought.

For I was unprepared! As the slutwalkers rounded the corner, lead by that radical leftist Bella Wren, I felt my limbs go numb as my eyes made contact with their verile, nubile forms. Their leader herself was entirely in the nude, baring her body proudly and toting a sign that read "MY BODY MY CHOICE". Around her, her followers cavorted. One young woman, topless but wearing a modest skirt, burst into tears at the sight of me standing there with my sign that said "RESPECT YOURSELVES - COVER UP".

Bella Wren's followers were attired in ways that flaunted their bodies and demeaned them. One young man had attached what appeared to be a slinky to his genitals. As it bounced up and down in a parody of what should only occur between a man and his wife, it caught the light as well as my horrified eyes.

Men dressed as women staggered by, teetering on sky-high platform heels as they humiliated themselves. With them were legions of young women, some of them also wearing enormous heels - but at least they knew how to walk in them. Wearing pounds of makeup, they had augmented their bodies to a disgraceful level with what must have been stuffing. Upon seeing me, several of them humped the air and groped their compadres while makinng eye contact.

It was at this point that my poor, violated brain could take it no more. I felt a wave rush over me as my legs finally gave out and I fell to the ground. If that was a mere slutwalk, then I can only imagine Pride. Such things should not exist in our world. No wonder everything's going to the dogs!

It falls to me to fight on, to be the warrior that this university needs. Dolores Abaddon does not give up this easily. I am still in my bed as I write this, but I will recover. And when I do, I will be the avenging angel. I have come, I have seen, and I will conquer.

For no reason at all I will be closing down then psychology discord server :) I know you guys use it to do voice calls before exams but i keep getting bullied on there and whenever i ban people they just dm me and when i block them they just make more accounts

honestly ldu is such a broke and wack university but i love being in it and im sure other do too, if you keep being such an asshole I might just report you lol

anyways any political science majors should consider switching cause no one will ever top krystal for major in the town! lmao ok peace out

The first annual LDU student film festival was, in my estimation, a roaring success. We ended up with 13 film submissions of all genres and from all walks of life. The festival last Saturday night was well-attended, with 275 attendees packing the Grebe Building cinema. On top of that, we sold 136 tickets to the dinner and afterparty, and all the profits will be going toward making next year's film festival even better.

Our five-person festival jury saw me joined by some truly wonderful townsfolk: City Councillor Sam Sadler, museum security guard Milo, angry pensioner Agnes Arnhem, and none other than the mayor of Lower Duck Pond, Krystal Amethyst!

For those of you unable to make it to the festival on Saturday night, or those of you who would just like to take another look back at the entrants, here you go.

THE 2021 LDU STUDENT FILM FESTIVAL SUBMISSIONS

1. Nightmare and Rapture (dir. Hal C. Hankin)
   A young man is tormented by dreams of strange women, and must confront his own darkest desires.

2. Refraction (dir. Blaise Amistad)
   In a mysterious facility, a doctor must accompany an eccentric man who seems to communicate with light.

3. Glitterific Glitter Daze (dir. Ruby Stone)
   A triumphant story of glitter’s power to dispel evil and make the world a more beautiful place. (Sponsored by the LDU Mayor Krystal fan club).

4. Primal Connection (dir. Bella Wren)
   Alone in the woods, a woman throws off the shackles of civilization and returns to an animalistic state, but as she finds herself pursued, she must confront her true self.

5. Cyb3r Gr1nd (dir. Cameron McKenzie)
   A genius college student is hired by the CIA to hunt cyber criminals.

6. I Am Not Payton Carrera (dir. Peighton Guerrera)
   A simple plea from a woman who must go through life being confused for someone who is just the worst.

7. Belinda’s Disgrace (dir. Betty Danforth)
   A silent film about a woman who suffers a terrible injustice and tumbles down the rungs of society until she is forced into the sex trade.

8. The Great Pizza Revolution (dir. Kent Dunne)
   Pizzas band together to try to return to Lower Duck University and defeat the assistant Dean Dolettuce Abroccoli. (This movie is acted out entirely by pizza slices on marionette strings.)

9. RED (dir. Malorie Warneski)
   A modern retelling of “Little Red Riding Hood” where a teenage girl is pursued through a city by a serial killer.

10. Blackburn (dir. Dilara Carney)
    A widow moves to a small town, where she begins to experience a series of bizarre events.

11. The Lag Corridors (dir. Dorian Canavera)
    Part mockumentary, part drama, a student investigates a supposedly haunted section of his university, and soon finds his entire concept of reality unravelling before him.

12. Real Housewives of Lower Duck Pond (dir. Lizza Sandberg)
    The richest and boredest housewives in Lower Duck Pond meet for cocktails in their favorite bar.

13. Gotta Bounce (dir. Bryce Dirkson)
    A star basketball player wakes up one morning and discovers he can hear the thoughts of his basketballs, and that apparently they feel pain.

PRIZES

AUDIENCE CHOICE AWARD

The Great Pizza Revolution - This film won with an astonishing 56% of the popular vote. It seems that LDU students really like their pizza.

SPECIAL JURY SELECTIONS

(Each member of the jury got to single out their personal favorite submission.)

Refraction - Selected by Langston Burgess

It is always a treat to witness the first spark that one thinks will grow into the fiery genius of a truly great filmmaker, and that is what I saw here. Refraction blends together psychological thriller and metaphysical philosophy in a way reminiscent of Darren Aronofsky’s early work. It was an ambitious undertaking, and is all the more remarkable knowing that the entirety of production was handled by the two actors. I believe that if Mr. Amistad can produce such a work under these constraints, there are great things ahead of him.

Blackburn - Selected by Sam Sadler

"Hmm, if I had to place one film I enjoy the most - this is a hard one - it would most likely be Dilara Carney's Blackburn. It takes elements of psychological thrillers, tropes from small town American Gothic films in the United States, interspersed with quiet, contemplative scenes focusing on the the minutia of specific moments in time.
The plot followed a young widower whose wife was taken from her too soon after a tragic incident. Feeling lost and unable to keep up with the cost of living in the city the couple once called a home, protagonist Irene leaves Hydroelectric City for the rural town of Blackburn, a fictional community nestled in the foothills of the Pinella Mountain Range on the Northwestern edge of Duck County.
As Irene settles into life without her wife, she begins experiencing inexplicably odd happenings in her life. One day she receives a muddled recording on a tape that, much to her fear, sounds like a message from her late wife. With a manic hope, she dives into the circumstances surrounding her wife's death, reading articles, theories, and reports late into the night. Shadows disappearing behind corners, dissonant voices echoing in silent spaces, and a slow and troubled descent into chaos as her mental health deteriorates grips her as she spins into a fury of episodic breakdowns, loosing track of reality, and falling into a deep despair.
The film ends on a melancholic note as she is finally able to find the solace she needs in accepting the death of her partner, but faces a difficult future going forward, plagued with the tingling feeling that there is something more out there.
The film is very interesting, very experimental - highly unorthodox, but simple in structure and very poignant."

Cyb3r Gr1nd - Selected by Milo

While I enjoyed so many films we watched this week, the one that really stuck out to me were “Cyb3r Gr1nd”...
In Cyb3r Gr1nd, Zane (played by the film’s writer Cameron McKenzie) is a college student and computer genius hired by the CIA to hunt cyber criminals...we can tell early on that he is good with computers because he hacks the school’s security system to set the fire alarm off and get out of class...Zane gets a call from the CIA about a hacker, Blade, who has been hacking self driving cars and making them crash unless he gets paid a billion dollars...i don’t want to spoil anything, but I will say I thought the hack-fight scene was particularly entertaining. Cameron lives down the street from me and has become a particularly good skateboarder over the last few years so it was nice seeing him have a reason to show his skills during the chase scene…
Seeing a technological drama particularly resonated with me as I am experiencing my own technological drama in my personal life...every time I adjust the volume on my computer it takes a picture of my desktop...I don’t know when it started but now I have dozens of pictures of my desktop on my desktop...every once in a while my music library will just start playing “Afternoon Delight” (it’s the first song alphabetically) out of nowhere, when I try to mute it...you guessed it, another screenshot...anyways if I knew hackers I would ask them to look into these issues...I give the movie 4 out of 5 stars

Belinda’s Disgrace - Selected by Agnes Arnhem

My favorite film is entitled, Belinda's Disgrace. It is about a woman forced by circumstances to go into the SEX TRADE -- at least, I THINK that's what it's about: there is almost no dialogue. I can scarcely believe it was filmed here! The cinematography is LUSCIOUS and as you know our little town is NOT that beautiful in real life.
The film follows Belinda, a domestic worker for a wealthy family in 1980's UDP. She is sexually ASSAULTED by the family's son, and winds up pregnant, and they FIRE HER! Disgraceful!
Without income or a husband, Belinda is kicked out of her apartment. A NEFARIOUS character offers to help her; he is really a PIMP, and when she refuses to be intimate with one awful client, he BEATS her and she loses her baby!
Ducklings, I must tell you I was GRIPPED by this tale of tragedy. The actress who plays Belinda is lovely. As you watch her life descend into chaos, she remains hopeful and feisty to the very end! It makes me GRATEFUL that the world is changing, and that we women have more opportunity than we used to, to CHANGE our circumstances for the better.

Glitterific Glitter Daze - Selected by Krystal Amethyst

I saw the short movie "Glitterific Glitter Daze" and I LOVED it!! BEST MOVIE EVER!! It's about how people FOUGHT BACK against the EVIL glitter haters and made their campus BEAUTIFUL!! It all started because the EVIL assistant to the Dean HATED glitter and was a TOTAL hag about not letting students be the AMAZING people they were! So they GOT BACK at her by GLITTERFYING her office!! And EVERYTHING else on campus!! Along the way, they BONDED over glitter and faced SETBACKS because they had a HARD time finding where to buy SO MUCH glitter in bulk! SILLY students, they should have talked to ME! But EVENTUALLY their glitterific plan was a HUGE GLITTER SUCCESS!! And I was SUPER happy that they even used BIODEGRAVABLE glitter! And then when the EVIL assistant to the Dean saw it, she FELL DOWN and hit her head and got a CONCUSSION!! And she NEVER came back!!
This move was SOOO good!! Even though the camera was kind of wobbly and made people CARSICK I thought it was AMAZING!! They just need to TRAIN their stomachs to not be so WOBBLY!! I NEVER get carsick, I went to an amusement park once and went on the tilt-a-whirl TEN TIMES in a row and felt FINE!! And THEN I went on a roller coaster with loop-de-loops and STILL felt fine and I went on it about ten times TOO!! EVERYONE should get an iron stomach like ME!! THEN a bit of wobbly camera WOULDN'T be an issue for them! Maybe I should write a GUIDE on this! BUT anyway you should TOTALLY go see "Glitterific Glitter Daze"!!! BEST STUDENT FILM EVER!!!

JURY GRAND PRIZE

Lag Corridors - There was a lot of spirited debate over which film should receive the grand prize. As you can see, each member of the jury had very strong opinions about their own pick. But in the end, Lag Corridors had something for everyone. It featured bold, experimental film techniques pulled off with a deftness that suggests a much more elaborate production than what they had. It featured strong and memorable characters, savvy social commentary, and even a glitter sequence that didn’t even feel out of place. Lag Corridors is seeded with a particular kind of brilliance that I feel could spawn a whole series of films for years to come. Congratulations to Dorian Canavera; this award was well-earned.

You people are a disgrace. Was it really too much to ask for a sedate Halloween this year? But no, instead I popped by to get something I had forgotten from my office to find the entire building covered in toilet paper, as well as drunken students strewn around campus. When I admonished one to put on his pants, he hardly acknowledged me, only puking on his shoes. I saw many other students in similar states, surrounded by beer bottles and candy wrappers. Perhaps we should become a dry campus. I imagine that would go a long way to ridding the campus of these deplorable lushes.

All I wanted was to have a good time on my birthday, but no. I bought myself a slice of carrot cake, you know to celebrate. It's a good thing I ate it in public, because guess who keeled over from a sudden carrot allergy? That's right, me. Thanks to whoever called the ambulance, by the way. I hope it wasn't a cute guy, I'd hate for his first impression of me to be of me impersonating a dying fish out of water.

Someone said that winning was in my name, but if this is winning I'd like to quit please. Fml.

I know many of you guys are upset that pizza has been banned in the cafeteria, and so am I. But fear not! Unbeknownst to many people (until now), there is a secret black market for pizza right here on campus!

There's this group of students on campus that call themselves the "Super Pizza Pirates" and they basically go around selling pizza to people in discreet locations in or near campus. I won't give too much information on who they are or how I found them as to not expose their identities, but I have one of the Super Pizza Pirate's phone number, so if you guys are interested in getting some cheap pizza, DM me and I'll share the contact info.

NOTE: The Super Pizza Pirates ONLY sell pizza to students! Upon seeing a staff member, they will immediately run away and seek shelter.

My first midterm! And I was wearing my lucky socks and underwear and everything! I hate my life. My family is going to be so disappointed in me. Hell, I'm so disappointed in myself! How can I expect to become an engineer at this rate huh!? Maybe if I'm lucky I can my MRS degree like how my grampa always says I should. I'm going to go cry in the bathroom now.

I hear my dormmates calling me this, I think it's supposed to be a "funny" pun of Winnie the Pooh? Because it's not! It's not very nice of you and I am NOT a fat, yellow bear! I can't help crying so often, I'm just really stressed out all the time! I know we're not like friends or anything but can you please let up? I just want to cry in peace!