There's nothing here to take for granted. With each breath that we take, the hands of time strip youth from our bodies, and we fade. Memories remain, as time goes on.
This is a completely true account of an event that is burned in my memory.
There are a few events that have transpired within my lifetime that would pull me away from what many would call a ‘normal’ life. The concept of normalcy is alien to me, I cannot understand how we as a species can be content living within the confines and boundaries of modern society alone, without deviancy. Through my observations, I see that even the most simple of events could become so twisted and contorted that it appears normal to an outside viewer, and yet the truth torments me.
I was a child, maybe eight years old. I was only a third of the way into my journey through life as I know it now, when the first event happened. It may not have actually been the first, chronologically, but it was the first that I remember so vividly that I cannot deny it ever happening.
Like many my age, I did not want to go to school. Things were changing from the fun times I had remembered in kindergarten and the beginning grades and becoming more technical. The fairy tale world that was crafted around me was beginning to deteriorate and fall away. I could see gears turning and grinding, visible just beyond the holes in the walls. They were cold and uncaring; unlike anything I had seen until this point.
Everything I had known until then was peaceful, happy, loving. Even my alcoholic father didn’t seem so bad, I had my fantasy world so heavily constructed around me that I could escape to it at the slightest thought. My creations grew dark in these days of change, but I was able to inflict pain upon them. I could destroy those that manifested as representations of my negative feelings. I had control.
One day – to this day I can’t remember why – my mom let me stay home from school, on the condition that I came with her to a doctor’s appointment she had in the middle of the day. Anything would be better than being confined within those brick walls, watching the magic fade from my world.
I didn’t have many friends; my parents were overbearing and protective of me. I wasn’t allowed to even cross the street. I had one friend in my next-door neighbor, the only person I could talk to at the time, until now… that’s when I saw her.
Brown hair fell straight down to her shoulders, shining in the light, perfectly clean. Her green eyes were like windows into a peaceful clearing in the center of a forest. I couldn’t look away from her face, and it forced me to smile. I felt paralyzed in that moment, and thought the smile came out of a nervous reaction to my sudden inability to move. She started walking toward me, hair flicking behind her. Shit, she was getting close. What do I do?
“Hi, my name’s Crystal.” She smiled and brushed away the strands of auburn that had found their way into her eyes. We began talking; I couldn’t believe that she had noticed me looking. We were the same age, she was very friendly. We discussed games to play, and decided that hide and seek would be the quietest game we could play in the waiting room. Our mothers had been called to the back by this point.
It was just the two of us in the room, hiding behind chairs and desks, laughing and talking as kids do. My mother came out from the back, and my attention was broken from her. I looked to my mother and protested against being taken away. I wanted to stay and play with my new friend, though I couldn’t see her anymore.
The girl’s mother came out shortly after; they exchanged addresses so that we could be pen-pals, writing back and forth between us started almost instantly. The girl and I exchanged letters for years to come.
A picture came in the mail, enclosed with the final letter I would receive from her. She was just as beautiful as I had remembered seeing her two years ago, she didn’t look like she changed at all. My friend had given me her phone number at some point in our discussions, but I was not a fan of using the phone for communicating.
The walls had almost come down, overtaken by machines and cold steel, but there was still a warm, fuzzy spot in my heart for this girl that I had met. I felt as if we could be together forever, she was the first girl I ever talked to, my first true friend.
And then I needed her more than anything. I woke up one morning as the sun came through my bedroom window. Something felt strange for this Monday morning, my mom had not woken me up for school like she normally did. I walked down the stairs and wandered into the kitchen,
I saw my mom sitting at the kitchen table and crying.
“Mom, what’s wrong?” I asked, not sure what was going on. A few weeks prior, my grandmother had gone into the hospital but they would not allow me to go see her or tell me what was going on.
“Nanny died…” she responded, that’s what I used to call her… that couldn’t be true.
“You’re joking, right?” I wanted it to be a joke, some cruel, twisted joke.
“I would never joke about something like that.” Her tone carried with it the finality that made me know it was true – she was gone.
I ran to find the letters from Crystal as an intense feeling of loss came over me. I needed to talk to her, now more than ever. I picked up the phone and dialed the numbers on the paper. The phone rang; I heard the click of the receiver being picked up. Someone answered; I would be able to talk to her.
“Hello?” a woman answered, it wasn’t her.
“Hey, is Crystal there?” I asked, wanting so desperately to open up to her.
There was no response, just a sob and another click – the phone was back on its hook. I asked my mom about why someone would hang up on me like that, I was devastated. I told her about my friend.
“Who’s Crystal?” she asked, as if she’d never heard the name before. I ran back to my room to find the letters and show her. They weren’t there. There was no picture, nothing. No phone number, no letters… everything was gone.
From that point, forward, I haven’t been able to differentiate between the creations in my head and real friends. Relationships fall apart before they’re even started. I would doubt the existence of her, too, but I experienced it… she was real, she was there, she was my friend… but she was gone.
Recently, I went through with my newfound knowledge of searching for people on the internet to find her, and I found an address and phone number for her. Upon calling the number, it was no longer in service, and there were no other contact options. She was real, which makes me a little more secure in my sanity. I just wish I knew what happened.
