As the title says, I’m struggling with my atheism. I never ever thought I would say this. I grew up very Catholic, went though Catholic school K-12, Mass 5+ times a week until I was 19, now 29. I started learning about science and things changed for me. I stopped believing in God and grew to hate every form of religion. My husband isn’t a believer either but doesn’t understand why I scoff at any mention of God in movies or tv. I think I must understand a little more now why I felt this way...
This last weekend, something happened that changed inside of me. The last few months even, have been making me question what I really believe now. This past Saturday, I was in Colorado visiting a friend for her wedding. I’m from Missouri and was away from my 4 year old son and my husband. Because of this, my already awful anxiety was affecting me more than usual. During the rehearsal dinner a young man outside lost control of his motorcycle and crashed, subsequently ruining his ability to walk. Unfortunately, I haven’t heard much information about his current condition. That night, as we headed back to our Airbnb, I silently had the most intense panic attack of my life. I couldn’t stop thinking about that young man, the condition of his legs, how he was barely 18 and would have a lot of trouble learning how to live life differently. That is if he survived.
This led me to think about how much I craved my sons presence, his little fragile body in my arms. Safe and sound. I lost it. I got so worried I wouldn’t make it home to see him again. The panic struck me like a brick wall and I felt like I would never escape. Like I was falling down a never ending pit of agony. And then, it hit me. I felt a calming in my chest, like my heart had been reminded that there’s no need to beat harder than necessary. As though, my anxiety never existed. I did something I hadn’t done in ten years. Something I thought I would never do again. I prayed silently to myself. I immediately felt better, safer. Like something or someone, somewhere was reassuring me that I would make it back home safely to my son. To my loving husband.
The next day, at the wedding, I met one of the bridesmaids. It almost felt like a sign that she would even mention that she has to lead her bible study on Sunday. I had a sudden urge and without any restraint mentioned to her that we should talk at some point that night. I mentioned my atheism and that I was feeling something different inside myself. She agreed and met up with me a short time later. We sat alone at one of the empty tables and she asked me if I was ready to talk.
I just piled it on her. Explaining my rough childhood. Losing my father in a tragic fire at the age of 10, witnessing a massive tragic tornado that took nearly 200 lives when I was 19, then losing my faith and turning my back on it for good. And then I mentioned all the things that have worked in my favor the last few months, almost too good to be true. Like someone or something, way more powerful than myself, was guiding things that way. Helping me, giving me a break from all the trials I’ve been through in life. I lost it. It’s worth mentioning, that I’m not a cryer. It’s hard for me to produce tears and let myself be vulnerable. While I told her these stories, tears were streaming down my cheeks.
She stopped me and said, “I think that fact that you’re crying right now, tells me that you believe in your heart that this was God. I believe God brought me to you tonight. We were meant to meet, for me to help you though this.” I lost it even more. It almost felt like I was fuller inside. Like I was suddenly filled with warmth. In those moments she and I developed an amazing bond. I know in my heart we will be friends for life. We’ve been talking since about how I’m feeling.
However, I’m still so unsure. I don’t know if He is really there. I feel like there’s a bond I need to heal. Like I need to research more and learn from others who have been in this situation before and are now active Christians. Where do I go from here?
I’ve been reading a book called Science in the Bible. I like it so far. But, perhaps I’m not ready to pick my bible back up just yet. It’s also worth mentioning, that I haven’t been able to get rid of the Bible I’ve had since 7th grade. Coincidence? Or, was I subconsciously still faithful? I thought about talking to a priest, but I don’t exactly agree with how the Catholic Church is ran. They didn’t exactly help us with the grieving of our fathers death. They damn near avoided it like the plague and I never forgave them for that. But, I have learned about Baptist’s from my husband who grew up with Christ in his heart. While I grew up with fear.
I suppose I’m asking, what stories or books or verses do you all have for me to consider for this journey? When will I know that this is my true path? How will I know that God is there for me. How will I truly feel it?
I’m also worried about my husband. Does he feel this way but is too worried to talk to me about it because I have such harsh feelings toward Christianity? Will he think it’s silly for me to be thinking this way again? And if he supports me in this decision, which he will for sure, will he just start believing for the sake of keeping me happy? That seems unfair to him. I just still have all this worry and doubt in my heart. I don’t know where to start or what to do.
If you read this far, thank you so much for reading. It took a lot of courage for me to write this out and reach out to others who will understand.
TLDR: a series of events have lead me (an atheist) to believe that I might believe in God again. But I need help removing all doubt.
Edit: thank you all so much for all your kind words. I’ve been reading and responding as much as I can. I have a lot of researching and healing to do.
A special thank you to those who gave me advice on talking to my husband. I talked to him at lunch today and he was so supportive and kind. He told me he’s never really been a hard atheist like I was, that he has always been agnostic to say the least. This made my heart feel so full. I felt in that moment that God had guided me to my husband years ago because He knew he would be a good guide for me through this journey. My husband was so encouraging, and happy that I felt this way.
My next step is to talk to my mother in law, who has been trying to talk to me about God for years. Of course, I wouldn’t have it. She has never been pushy just suggestive. I’m actually super excited to talk to her about it when we see each other again.
Thank you all so much!!! I promise I will keep reading all your amazing comments as often as I can and respond as often as I can. I’m so thankful and blessed to have found such an amazing community on Reddit.