r/AntiJokes • • Oct 31 '18

So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

9.2k Upvotes

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."

"Let's go," the assassin says.

So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.

"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."

The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.

"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.

"Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I'm just taking some time to line up my shot to ensure I don't miss."


r/AntiJokes • • Aug 01 '18

I made a list of my favorite anti-jokes. The first 10 are great but the last one is fucking gold. NSFW

8.3k Upvotes

01) great

02) great

03) great

04) great

05) great

06) great

07) great

08) great

09) great

10) great

11) fucking gold


r/AntiJokes • • Mar 31 '15

As soon as he clicked on the title

6.8k Upvotes

he realized that someone was narrating him while he was browsing reddit.

He chuckled and left an upvote, ready to read some more antijokes.


r/AntiJokes • • Nov 10 '17

Why doesn't Jesus like Christian rock music? NSFW

6.0k Upvotes

Because it fucking sucks


r/AntiJokes • • Apr 26 '19

What is the difference between a Joke and an AntiJoke?

5.4k Upvotes

Can someone tell me? I'm new to this sub and I want to know.


r/AntiJokes • • Dec 17 '18

Why did the chicken cross the road? (Punchline is different)

5.2k Upvotes

Different


r/AntiJokes • • Jun 13 '18

A father asks his son what he wants for his 15th birthday NSFW

4.8k Upvotes

His son says, “Dad, I have everything I could ever want. But there is one thing that would make me the happiest person alive.”

The dad, wanting to make his son happy, asks his son what that is.

His son replies, “I want a single ping pong ball.”

Confused, his dad agrees, and on his fifteenth birthday, the son opens his present to find a single pig pong ball inside.

“Dad! Thank you so much! I am the happiest kid on this planet!”

The next day, the father goes into his son’s room but doesn’t find the ping pong ball anywhere.

Next year rolls around, and the father asks his son what he wants for his birthday, probably a car, or a new video game.

His son says, “Dad, I have everything I could ever want. But there is one thing that would make me the happiest person alive.”

The father, only wanting to please his son, asks what that one thing is.

His son says to him, “I want a ten pack of ping pong balls.”

The father was a little weirded out, but he did as his son wished, and on his sixteenth birthday, the son opened his present to find a pack of ping pong balls.

“Dad thank you so much! I love them!”

The next day, he goes up to his son’s room, and doesn’t find one ping pong ball anywhere.

Twelve months pass, and it’s time for the son to turn seventeen.

The father, ready for whatever outrageous gift his son might want, asks him what he would like for his birthday.

His son says, “Dad, I have everything I could ever want. But there is one thing that would make me the happiest person alive.”

The dad, thinking he’s about to spend a shitload of money on a new car, asks his son what that thing is.

“I want a jug of ping pong balls.”

The dad, who was just taken aback by the whole situation, bought his son a jug of ping pong balls to open on his seventeenth birthday.

“Oh my god! Dad thank you so much!”

On the next day, the dad goes into his son’s room, but doesn’t find a single ping pong ball anywhere.

Four seasons pass, and his son is becoming an adult. The father, who is about to send his only son to college, prepares himself for the amount of money he is about to spend on his favorite kid to send him to his alma mater, and asks him what he wants for his birthday.

His son says, “Dad, I have everything I could ever want. But there is one thing that would make me the happiest person alive.”

The father asks him what that one thing just might be.

“Well dad, I want a warehouse full of ping pong balls.”

The dad is like, holy shit? “What is up with my son and his ping pong balls?” But he does as his son wishes, and the next day, he drives his son to the an old abandoned warehouse. They open the door, and ping pong balls just roll out. Everywhere.

“Dad. Thank you so much. I love you!”

Around 24 hours later, the dad drives down to the warehouse, opens the door, but there’s not a single ping pong ball inside.

8,772 hours later, the son is turning nineteen. But a few days before his birthday, he is in an awful wreck. He’s hospitalized. Hooked up to thirty different machines.

The father is devastated. He goes into his son’s hospital room, and asks him what he wants for his birthday. “Son, I’m going to make this your best birthday yet. I will buy you anything. Anything you want.”

His son says, “Dad, I have everything I could ever want. But there is one thing that would make me the happiest person alive.”

The dad, who is already up to protocol, is like, “alright. How many ping pong balls do you want this time?”

“I want a boatload. As many as you can buy.”

The father, just trying to make his son’s days in the hospital enjoyable, buys a boatload of ping pong balls. He buys out every warehouse of ping pong balls. Uses his life savings to buy every single ping pong ball in America.

He walks into his son’s hospital room to tell him the news.

“Dad I can’t believe you bought me all of these ping pong balls. How can I ever repay you?”

The dad, who wants to know what the fuck is up with his son and these ping pong balls, asks, “well there is one way son.”

“What is it Dad?”

“What do you do with all of these fucking ping pong balls?”

The son was happy to tell his dad what he did with the ping pong balls. “Well dad,” he started, but never finished. The son died.

Edit: thank you for the upvotes and the gold. I am very humbled by you guys and the attention this has received. You guys are truly the best.


r/AntiJokes • • Jan 22 '17

Donald Trump is president of the USA.

4.5k Upvotes

r/AntiJokes • • Apr 22 '19

I have a bed, but do not sleep. I have a mouth, but do not eat. What am I?

4.4k Upvotes

Tired and hungry


r/AntiJokes • • Feb 24 '19

Why can't Helen Keller see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

4.1k Upvotes

Because she died in 1968 which predates the birth of Cinnamon Toast Crunch by 16 years.


r/AntiJokes • • Mar 21 '18

Ant joke How many ants does it take to fill an apartment?

3.9k Upvotes

Tenants.


r/AntiJokes • • May 21 '16

Serious The creator of this sub, u/viper565, has passed away yesterday after a two year battle with cancer.

3.8k Upvotes

I did not know him personally; I was contacted by another user who did. I will not give out his name as per reddit's personal info rules but I understand he was young, barely a year out of school.

His last post on reddit was made almost two years ago and it was an anti-joke in our subreddit:

How did the moderator react when they saw their subreddit had 40,000 subscribers?

"Heh. Cool."

When I took over /r/AntiJokes a few years earlier, I think the subscriber count was barely in the hundreds. I hope he was happy to see he had started such a nice community. May he rest in peace.


r/AntiJokes • • Jan 20 '19

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian...

3.7k Upvotes

..an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Thai, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean walk into a restaurant.

"Sorry, we don't have that many tables left today," said the manager, "Please consider booking in advance the next time."


r/AntiJokes • • Oct 22 '18

What do you call a cross between a Toyota and a Honda?

3.7k Upvotes

A cross. Some priest must have dropped it


r/AntiJokes • • Mar 03 '19

What was the president's name in 1985?

3.7k Upvotes

Donald Trump.


r/AntiJokes • • Nov 29 '18

My friend said to me “what rhymes with orange”

3.6k Upvotes

I said “no, it doesn’t.”


r/AntiJokes • • Mar 04 '19

[removed]

3.5k Upvotes

Should’ve read the description better


r/AntiJokes • • Apr 10 '19

It’s not rape if...

3.5k Upvotes

Both people are above the age of consent and have both consented to sexual intercourse.


r/AntiJokes • • Mar 23 '19

12 secrets McDonald's employees won't tell you

3.4k Upvotes

Well they didn't tell me either


r/AntiJokes • • Apr 12 '17

What starts with an F and ends in uck.

3.3k Upvotes

No, what starts with a w and ends in hat.


r/AntiJokes • • Dec 16 '18

How do you fight off three home intruders with nothing but a TV remote?

3.3k Upvotes

Please respond quickly.


r/AntiJokes • • May 11 '19

My girlfriend said women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

3.1k Upvotes

She started verbally and physically abusing me all at the same time.


r/AntiJokes • • Jul 24 '18

Meta Difference between an Anti Joke and just two sentences.

3.1k Upvotes

Anti joke: Why did Jimmy drop his ice cream? Because he got hit by a bus

Not an anti joke: Why did Jimmy drop his ice cream? Because he wasn't careful and bumped into someone else.

see an anti joke still has to be unexpected. The answer has to be stupid. Something that does make sense and is obvious but isn't the answer you would normally expect.

Every laugh is caused by surprise. If you say anti-jokes aren't supposed to make you laugh, then you're wrong. They are supposed to be so bad they are funny, not just bad but not extremely bad so you don't even care. If a logical question and answer was an anti joke I'd be laughing all day.


r/AntiJokes • • Feb 23 '19

What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?

3.1k Upvotes

Getting raped by a giant scorpion.