[New Update]: AITAH for being upset my husband is sharing a hotel room with another woman.

[u/Choice_Evidence1983]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Valuable_Channel_522

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRU #1, BoRU #2

[New Update]: AITAH for being upset my husband is sharing a hotel room with another woman.

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Trigger Warnings: mentions of infidelity, emotional manipulation, neglect

---

RECAP

Original Post: July 16, 2024

My (36F) husband (42m) is currently in Las Vegas for a National bowling tournament. He is there with his mom and her friends/folks from their bowling league. He is an avid bowler - bowls in a Tuesday night league, often in state tournaments and sometimes in National tournaments. Typically I go with and sometimes bowl myself. This year, we decided I would not go, but stay home with our three boys (ages 4, 8, 10) due to heat and smoke in Vegas in July.

My husband and I have been married for 11 years. This is his second marriage. His first marriage failed because he walked in on his wife cheating on him with another man. I have never, not once, thought that he would ever be intimate with another woman while he was with me. He’s just not that type.

So, on to this trip. Typically when he goes on a trip without me (at least one a year given my job and time off requirements) he stays in a hotel room with his mom or our boys.

Three nights ago, I was on FaceTime with him while he was in his hotel room. It was really nice and he was talking about possibly taking a nap for lack of sleep. I asked if he had his room to himself (because that would have been awesome) and he said “oh no, (?) is sharing with me”. I asked him who that was, and he said something - I don’t remember - aside from “she”. I said “wait What?!?”

And then he went on to explain that he was supposed to share the room with his moms boyfriend, but plans changed and now he is sharing the room with another woman on the trip. He told me that I played cornhole with her last month at a get together. I reminded him who I had played cornhole with (him and a girl, but not one with the name he was giving me - I have no idea who this woman is) at which point he got very confused. He did not understand why I was upset or frustrated - so I dropped it because I did not want to deter from his time and his bowling. I know I should have asked how he would have felt if the roles were reversed - but I didn’t. Partly because I didn’t want to fight (we hardly ever fight) while the kids were up, and partly because I didn’t want to hear him chalk it up to my imagination. I have hardly slept since that night, and my dreams have been chock full of worst case scenarios, and still I have not really brought it up again.

There have been a few occasions in which he has talked about taking naps and how lame he is in Vegas. I have mentioned a few times - sort of sarcastically as a side, that he would be having more fun if he were sharing a room with me, or if I was there instead of his present company - but he has brushed it all aside. So here we are: he has spent the last three nights in a hotel room with a woman that is not me or his mother - AMITA for being upset?

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Edited to get rid of some names - husband is coming home tonight and we will talk. I'm hoping its 82 year old grandma ;)

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[UPDATE]

Ok, so I took some advice and grew "a backbone". I texted him a little while ago instead of waiting until he got home - he and our boys are leaving for another trip tomorrow morning (I could not get the time off of work) so I wanted to make sure we had the conversation fully before he left again.

Before I give the update, I wanted to make a couple of things clear:

I do trust my husband. He has never shown he would be the kind of person to cheat, and that is not what truly concerned me. Even though I did have some pretty unpleasant dreams. My issue was that he was not upfront and honest with me. If I had done the same thing, he would have lost his mind - understandably. This is why I started the original post with "he's just not that type".

We do generally have great communication - the issue here is that I like to have this kind of conversation face to face rather than over the phone. It's just not something I like to hash out while we are not in the same space. Obviously, in this situation, I should have made the exception, and have now done so.

Now, for the update:

I texted him today to tell him that this situation has been bothering me for the last three days - I had questions and we needed to have this conversation. I asked who the woman was, how old she was and why didn't he tell me about the situation before I found out by accident.

There was a mixup with the rooms, something about someone not going so people were shuffled. He was paired with a woman about my age. He said he didn't think it would be a big deal and didn't want to inconvenience everyone else on the trip. He also said he did not want to upset me, which is why he didn't right out tell me about it. He did tell me that I never had anything to worry about and he made sure they weren't in the room alone together aside from when they were sleeping. I know, I know - but I really do believe him on this.

I was honest with him and told him that if roles were reversed, out of respect for him, I would have called him right away to make sure he was ok with it. I told him that while I trust him implicitly, I should not have found out the way that I did. And he should not have blown off my concern. I told him that the lack of upfront communication felt suspicious, regardless of intention or what actually happened. As for not upsetting me, I told him I would have understood and not been upset if he had just been honest.

He has apologized profusely. I told him next time to just communicate - he is adamant there will not be a next time.

So, call me naive if you want, but I am dropping it at this point. He will be home this evening and I intend on having a nice evening with him before I don't see him again for another two weeks.

Thank you for the advice - I cried it out when I found out her age, but getting this off my chest has been very relieving.

 

Update #2: July 25, 2024

I am not handling this as well as I thought I was.

I had decided to let it go - I know he wasn’t doing anything with this other woman. You can disagree and call me crazy if you’d like - but I do know that.

However - as much as I have tried, I can’t get past the fact that he made the decision to do something he knew I wouldn’t be ok with, and not tell me about it. It all feels - just so messed up.

I have talked to a few of my co-workers (I don’t have really any friends that aren’t friends of his that I talk to on a regular basis - and there is no way I will talk to my family because that is a shit storm I can’t handle right now) and they are all shocked and more angry for me than I have let myself be (most of them know him, the kind of person he is and what ended his first marriage - he used to work at the same company).

We had less than 24 hours together before he, his mom and all three of my children took their trip to the other side of the United States. I have been sitting in my feels and will continue to do so until they get back - almost another week from now.

I was on the phone with them this evening before they went to bed, and one of the first things my husband said to me was: “I’m sharing a bed with a red head tonight”. And I almost came unglued before I realized he was talking about one of our boys (we have three sons). After a very long pause, I said “you better be talking about —-“ and I was so angry I don’t understand how he didn’t pick up on that.

Every conversation we have had has been short and to the point because I’m really just not interested in talking to him. I have been calling my oldest son, and talking with my boys instead. His mom hasn’t really said much to me - which makes me think he has said something to her. Which is fine of course - I really don’t care about that.

Bottom line is: I don’t know what to do. It is midnight at home, I tried to go to bed two hours ago and just could not stop sobbing - so I got up and let it go. It felt good to get it out but I know I need to talk to someone. I have support lines through work I can call, but won’t tonight - far too many drinks and I don’t want to bring that into it as well - but I will call tomorrow.

I know I should be upset and angry and not let it go. But I am afraid when I do talk to a professional they will say I’m blowing it out of proportion. I will still call, but I need to get my head straight first.

He is bicycling for seven days - over 400 miles - so as much as I want to tear him a new one right now (especially after his completely insensitive and clueless joke this evening) I have not. Because I want him home safe and sound.

Regardless of my feelings in this moment - the most important thing is that my children’s dad comes home safe so we can hash this out at least in the same city and not while he is 1,000 miles away. With his mom. And my children.

 

Update #3: August 8, 2024

Last Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1ebnurz/update_2_aitah_for_being_upset_my_husband_shared/

Original Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1e4gscc/aitah_for_being_upset_my_husband_is_sharing_a/

I am sorry it has been a bit since I have updated - things have been....a lot. I am also sorry this post is very long....

My family came home a day early, so I took two extra days off of work to see them and figure things out with my husband. After we had unloaded and put everything away, we had dinner and watched a show. After putting the boys to bed, my husband and I went to our room. It was pretty clear he thought he was going to get lucky, because he was very confused when I turned the light on.

I told him that I had questions and I needed him to answer them. He was hesitant but agreed. I asked him who this woman is, how old and is she married. I still don't know who she is, but he did confirm she is YOUNGER than me, and not married. I then asked who made the decision he would be sharing a room with her. He said that his mom said it would be really great if they shared so she could spend the three nights with her boyfriend/not boyfriend. I asked him why he didn't tell me about it, he said he was just so tired and had had such a long day he didn’t think about it. (conflicting with his earlier: I didn't want to upset you...). He said that he didn't think I would ever question his intentions so why would he think he would have to tell me. I told him it wasn't about questioning his intentions or fidelity, it's that what they did was completely inappropriate and disrespectful to me and our marriage. And at the absolute very least, he should have sent me a quick text explaining the situation. I also told him that his mom is not always right.

He apologized profusely, said he shouldn't have put his mom before me, he didn't think it would be a thing because he would never try to hurt me and he thought I knew that. All the things. And we honestly talked it out and worked through things for a solid few hours. We came to a really good place and connected for the first time in a long while.

Then he went to work the next day - which hurt because I didn't really have the time to be calling in, I am severely behind at work - but I did anyway because I wanted to do the right thing for us and to take care of us. But because he just spent two weeks going all over the country doing something super fun and now he is super behind in his job, he couldn't afford to take anymore time off. So that really hurt - but I let it go because he really was behind and I at least had the boys that I got to catch up with.

That day my mom called to see what we were doing for my birthday which was two days away. I had honestly forgotten about it with everything, so I told her I didn't know and asked if my husband had called her. She said he had not. So I told her I would let her know when we came up with a plan.

That night, I asked him if he had a plan, and he said "oh I don't know, what do you want to do?". And that really really hurt, but I let it go because we have had so much going on. I told him it would be great if we had a BBQ and he invited people and got the groceries and he agreed. I specifically asked if he would call my mom. He did get some of the groceries, but not all of them. And he did surprise me with a cake. But that was it. I ended up inviting everyone last minute, having to apologize along the way, and had to go to the store twice to get the rest of the things we needed.

At the party, he started showing our friends the pictures from his trip - pictures I haven't even seen yet. I was so mad, upset, frustrated. He didn't catch on. So then it came time for gifts - his was a card game and a backrub. I felt like I was just slapped in the face. To be clear: I don't place a high value on gifts - if you get me something great, if you don't, that's fine.

But he didn't get me anything for Mother's Day, but I got him a whole slew of things for Father's day for his trip and an xbox game he wanted. (I also planned each of those days by myself). And he just went to the other side of the country, and all he thought to grab for me was a card game? I didn't want to fight in front of our friends, so I let it be. I didn't really expect more than that anyway - but it still hurt.

Then I went back to work and things were...meh. Anything he did irritated me. Anything his mom did irritated me. I was getting so frustrated and sad and angry and just not myself. Then I had a medical issue (something that pokes it's little head back up every five years like clock work, but I had been ignoring because of everything going on) come back and I went to our urgent care to take care of it. But I had to take care of all sorts of things first so that me going to the dr. didn't hamper my husbands day, so I was really irritated in the morning. It didn't help that his mom came over and I just can't handle her right now. It also didn't help that he told me that morning about all the plans he had come up with for our sons birthday in a few weeks.

I was mad at myself for being upset (i should be stoked my husband is thinking about our son and wanting to give him a great birthday party) but I was so deflated and sad and angry in that moment. But he had to go to work so I left it alone. So before I went, I sent him a text apologizing for being irritated. I told him that I'm not in a good place mentally or physically and am really struggling. He asked how he could help, and I responded that I really didn't know. And then I saw the dr. and he referred me to surgery. This will be the third time I have had surgery for this.

I was so frustrated and sad and hurt, I decided to just put it all out there. And since he can't seem to find the time to actually talk to me, I texted him a novel. Laying out everything that is on my mind. The trip, my birthday, him not taking time, my sons birthday, all of it. After an hour he had not responded, so I sent him another text saying that maybe he could just tell me I'm not crazy and we will get through this together, or something like that at least. He responded to that saying that he loves me and has lots to say but can't say it over the phone.

So then I went to work and did the things. I felt a little better he didn't discredit all of my frustrations so things were...ok. That night he called to tell me he loved me and was going to take the next day off to spend with me (it was also my day off). I was pretty darn stoked.

The next day I asked him what were the things he wanted to say. And he said he didn't want to say it in front of the kids. So then that I night I asked him again, and he said that we have been having such a great day, he didn't want to ruin it and me get all emotional so he wasn't going to say it then. I felt like I had just been punched in the gut. So wait - you have been so nice since I texted you, but now I'm going to be sad and upset? What is going on?

It is now the next day, and I just asked him again. He completely blew me off and went to town to pick up our son from camp.

I am at a loss. I don't know what to do. I can only ask him to talk to me so many times. He doesn't share his thoughts or emotions often, but I would think he would do it now right? I don't know what to do.

Relevant Comments

cthulularoo: holy shit, you're not even an afterthought to this guy. You're don't have any importance in his life. You're just there. He'll just tell you stuff to get you off his case and then just keep ignoring you.

OOP: That is definitely how I feel

OOP responds to multiple comments on seeking for a professional counselor to help navigate the next steps and find a thing to do that helps OOP feel happy

OOP: Oh my gosh, thank you so much for your kind and understanding reply! I have made a few calls with no responses yet and quite a few say they are not taking new clients. Keeping my fingers crossed though - I do agree, I need an outside perspective other than Reddit

Thank you! I have used our system, but I still have to call. They helped narrow it down but I have to make an appointment- I get 6 free sessions which is great. I just need someone to call me back 😞

Thank you for the advice - I will try. I did get in two chapters of the book I’m reading this week, and have taken extra time with my boys. I needed that ❤️

Ladyvett: I think that woman on the trip was more important than he’s letting on. His mother would not be welcome in my house again until she apologizes to my face. No more trips alone for any reason for a very long time. He needs to have consequences and you’re letting him coast. He’s trying to wait you out. Updateme

Dachshundmom5: I don't know why you just keep "letting things go" and deluding yourself that you're in a good place.

Your husband was in a hotel room with a younger woman for days. He gaslit you that it's no big deal and acting like you're the crazy one for thinking it's a problem. In what world are things okay after that? How much of a doormat has he made you that 1 conversation blows that over?

Your MIL set him up to cheat on you. In no world is him sharing a room with a younger single woman appropriate. He knows that. She knows that. If you think he's a good boy, I don't know what kind of blinders you have on or kool aid you're drinking, but stop.

He blew off your birthday. He couldn't even muster going to the grocery store. Let alone sending some texts.

He was away from you for 2 weeks and couldn't even bring you some postcards from along the way? My son was on a school trip for 4 days. He brought me all kinds of little things because he was in a gas station and saw this pretty postcard I would like. Or at this gift shop and thought that key chain was something I would like. So, your husband is less considerate than a teenager on a school trip with all his teenage buddies?

He gives you bullshit after bullshit and just pretends things are fine.

You lay it all out there via text and again, he blows you off. Gives you some love bombing in the form of family time, and expects to sweep it under the rug. He's hoping to wait you put before you find out what he actually did in that hotel room. Or how many times he's met that woman before. Or just to make sure he can feed you bullshit after betraying your marriage with his mom's help and you'll just ignore it.

At some point, you have to acknowledge you have a shitty husband and a VERY unhealthy marriage. How many ways does he have to show you you're not a priority, he doesn't respect you, and he could not care less about your feelings before you believe him?

 

----NEW UPDATE----

Final Update: August 19, 2024

I apologize for the late update - my health took a pretty drastic turn for the worse for a minute. But no worries, all is good now. And I had a really good talk with my Dr. about putting myself first and she is getting me in touch with a counselor.

Now, for the update: it's barely an update, and for that I'm sorry.

When I finally did get him to tell me what he wanted to say (he ended up saying it in front of the boys anyway) he only brought up two things I had talked about in the novel I had sent him. The first was that I was going to look for a counselor. He said he loved that idea and that it really helped him when he was talking to one.

Then he brought up that I had mentioned how much weight I have gained since the birth of our last child. He said that he still finds me crazy attractive, as should be evident by the fact that he still shows up in bed. Then he started talking about what I shouldn't be doing if I wanted to lose weight, and apologizing for the fact that he and the boys have ridiculous metabolisms and don't have to worry about it. I asked him to stop trying to give me weight loss advice - that wasn't the point of me telling him.

I asked if there was anything else he wanted to say and he said no. Just those two things.

So at this point this is where I am at:

My husband did not cheat on me - I do know this is true

I am still not in a good place because of so many things happening at once - so I am seeking help

Thanks for the advice and support from most of you. But this is my last post on this. I won't be able to actually work on my marriage reading some of these responses.

Comments

AnonThrowAway072023: Wow Well it is your life not anyone else's. His idea of treating you with love and respect and honor, and make up for his MANY missteps is to try and make you less fat.

But don't worry, he still wants to fuck you as is.

I really hope for the best for you. Like most following your story I think he treats you like shit and beyond taking you for granted. He won't change because he feels he isn't behaving wrong.

You deserve a better happier life, I'm so so sorry.

Impressive-Arm4668: "should be evident by the fact that he still shows up in bed" is a WILD statement to me 💀

 

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[u/Lecture-Kind]

So basically he’s telling her to lose weight and she should definitely talk to a consoler.

Out of all that, that’s all he had to say. How is OP okay with any of this, she’s brainwashed as hell😭

[u/wasted_wonderland → u/Lecture-Kind]

I love this typo 😂

She needs heluva lotta consoling lol

[u/ProstateSalad → u/wasted_wonderland]

The typo is epic. I love the way truth just leaks sometime.

[u/notthedefaultname → u/Lecture-Kind]

He came home early yet had to go into work the next day? Then very shortly after takes a day to talk it out yet doesn't talk anything out? He didn't want to ruin her day? The day where she's been just quietly dreading whatever he's got to say? It's been ruined for her. All the days have been ruined and stressed for her. He just doesn't want to have to deal with it.

Even if he didn't cheat, he's a shitty husband. No emotional support. No consideration of her, emotionally, with gifts or plans, nothing. He wants to fuck her, but doesn't seem to care for her as a person outside of that. But yeah, she should talk to a counselor (so she will stop bothering him by trying to communicate) and posse weight to be hotter for him 🙄.

I'm waiting for the next update where she realizes that even if there wasn't cheating he's not worth staying with and his "the divorce came out of no where" moment.

[u/LeslieJaye419 → u/Lecture-Kind]

Yup. The only things he internalized were HER flaws and what SHE needs to change.

[u/[deleted] → u/LeslieJaye419]

I had an ex say that same stuff when I thought he was cheating on me. Guess what? He was!

[u/PumpkinPieIsGreat → u/Lecture-Kind]

She really expected more on her birthday. Why? Nothing for mother's day, lies to her, contradicts himself, doesn't care about her feelings... why would she expect him to suddenly care about her birthday? He's shown time and time again he doesn't care.  She really just let it drop after the weight and counselling thing? No consequences again, for him. She's going to be unhappy for as long as she's married to this guy. 

[u/saurons-cataract → u/Lecture-Kind]

It’s because her self esteem is shite. Poor lady. This is why self love is so important.

[u/emptyraincoatelves → u/Lecture-Kind]

You have to allow the circumstances for me to cheat on you or you don't trust me.

Nothing suspicious about that.

[u/SeeYouInHelen → u/Lecture-Kind]

She’s not brainwashed she’s used to being the peacekeeper which enables her husbands behaviors. She took issue to so many things and kept “letting them go” to keep the peace and her husband is either willfully ignorant or just dumb as a rock and never picks it up. I know he’s a poor listener but it also kind of seems like OOP is bad at establishing expectations/needs and doling out consequences when her expectations/needs aren’t met.

[u/Swiss_Miss_77]

My husband did not cheat on me - I do know this is true

... Cause he said so... 🤦‍♀️

[u/beefisbeef → u/Swiss_Miss_77]

I mean, he's a middle-aged male cyclist who participates in bowling tournaments.

[u/Swiss_Miss_77 → u/beefisbeef]

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[u/wylietrix → u/beefisbeef]

And hangs out with his mommy. Geez, what an ass.

[u/Ill-Education-169 → u/beefisbeef]

Shots fired 💀🤣

[u/Tight-Shift5706 → u/beefisbeef]

I mean, wtf!!! OP, are you a moron? It's not if he fked, it's who and how often. The arrogant, condescending, self-absorbed prk took all your observations and then talked about your weight? Honest to God gal, please re-read your posts. This man has continuously pissed all over you and your marriage! Are you a submissive? I'm a guy, and reading your posts, his complete and utter disdain and disrespect for you and your lame ass "I know he didn't cheat" are fking incredulous. Every day he cheats on you--- depriving you of being a loved, respected spouse.

If you have a scintilla of self-respect, confer with a seasoned family law attorney to discuss your entitlements and alternatives regarding parental rights and responsibilities as well as support and property division issues. It's time to tell Peter Pan to fuck off.

[u/New_Nobody9492 → u/Swiss_Miss_77]

Yeah, his mom is helping cheat.

[u/GreekDudeYiannis → u/New_Nobody9492]

...are we sure his first marriage ended cause his ex wife cheated and not the other way around?

[u/Environmental_Art591 → u/GreekDudeYiannis]

Right, I am not normally one ro jump straight onto the divorce train but damn, this girl doesn't have rose coloured glasses on, she had blinders on and is dependent on her user to see.

[u/emr830 → u/GreekDudeYiannis]

I thought that too.

[u/Swiss_Miss_77 → u/New_Nobody9492]

But he SWEARS! And he still shows up in the bedroom! /s

[u/New_Nobody9492 → u/Swiss_Miss_77]

OP is letting so much go….. the resentment is going to blow like a volcano.

[u/payvavraishkuf → u/New_Nobody9492]

When she said they hardly ever fight I just had to roll my eyes. There would be a lot more fighting if she stopped being a doormat.

[u/5leeplessinvancouver → u/Swiss_Miss_77]

Also the fact that she and her husband had that conversation in front of their kids like wtf

[u/EinsTwo → u/5leeplessinvancouver]

Let's wait days to have this conversation so it's not in front of our kids and then have this conversation about sex in front of our kids.

This guy is a genius and fine example of a human.  /s

[u/Baby_Blue_Eyes_13 → u/Swiss_Miss_77]

Even after she put on baby weight. I mean clearly this is all OPs fault for getting fat.

/s obv

[u/linerva → u/New_Nobody9492]

His mum fucking arranged for him to cheat.

Who buys this "Whoopsie there's a mixup with the rooms so you have to share with this young single woman because I want to fuck my boyfriend!" From his mum?

How was him sleeping with a random woman seen as the best option?

Probably bevause his family already know she's the side piece and don't mind bevayse she's a friend. If we can even belive his mum really went on the trip at all.

[u/truenoise → u/linerva]

There are at least 143,000 hotel rooms in Vegas.

There are zero reasons anyone “has to share” unless it’s something like the annual Consumer Electronics Show / Porn Awards.

[u/emr830 → u/New_Nobody9492]

Well duhhhh, this other woman is the daughter in law she always dreamed of!!! All she needs is her, her son, and their kids!!!

[u/0-Ahem-0 → u/New_Nobody9492]

His mum wants him to cheat. She hates oop.

[u/tacwombat → u/New_Nobody9492]

MIL is the accessory to the crime.

[u/New_Nobody9492 → u/tacwombat]

So after reading more…… the mom doesn’t like OP….. can remember if there was something in the post history (I could be wrong, I went through a rabbit whole of profiles today) but the girl in the hotel room might be mom’s pick for the husband.

[u/justkarn → u/Swiss_Miss_77]

This woman is thicker than a bucket of paint in an abandoned haunted house

[u/DearOP_ → u/Swiss_Miss_77]

It's the "Trust me, Bro" defense. It isn't one, but too many people fall for it as evidence to prove xyz when it's not. OOP really needs to see a therapist & get her self-worth back because she deserves better than this. My head just kept shaking & the still showing up in bed line he used to show he still finds her attractive made me roll my eyes. Plenty of people sleep with people that they don't find attractive or even like, so that's not proof either. Just empty words to make her back off & stop questioning things/him.

[u/Swiss_Miss_77 → u/DearOP_]

The number of reddit posts/updates I have seen with discovering cheating spouses where the OP talks about how the sex had been frequent and great...

[u/velvetswing → u/Swiss_Miss_77]

This is so sad. Well she’s an adult

[u/rythmicbread → u/Swiss_Miss_77]

Even if he didn’t, he’s not a good husband

[u/IrradiantFuzzy → u/Swiss_Miss_77]

Such an "Oh, honey" moment.

[u/buttercupcake23 → u/Swiss_Miss_77]

I'm kinda done with her. I can't really handle this much of a doormat.

[u/glom4ever → u/Swiss_Miss_77]

I could imagine an idiot like the husband thinking he is attractive to the younger woman he and his mom arranged to share a hotel room with and the cheating not happening because he is not hot shit.

[u/Owain-X → u/Swiss_Miss_77]

It really does not matter either way because he's just not in the marriage with her to begin with and is either the densest human being on earth or a manipulative gaslighting bastard who strings her along with whatever he finds to be the minimal effort to shut her up at any given time.

[u/Datonecatladyukno → u/Swiss_Miss_77]

He’s not a cheater though, he’s just selfish, rude, uncaring, a liar and literally brings nothing positive to OOP’s life. That’s all. It’s fine  

[u/bunnytron → u/Swiss_Miss_77]

Then only replied about her losing weight and her getting counseling. Fun

[u/[deleted] → u/Swiss_Miss_77]

So the original plan was for him to shack up with his Mom’s boyfriend while his Mom was also on the trip? WTF kinda Mickey Mouse shit is this?

[u/Training-Constant-13]

At this point i just want to shake OOP till she understands that she deserves better than her POS husband!! 

[u/dialemformurder → u/Training-Constant-13]

 I won't be able to actually work on my marriage reading some of these responses.

Well yeah, because you should end it, not work on it. 🤷‍♀️

[u/PrincessCG → u/Training-Constant-13]

Here’s hoping for a decent therapist who can help her realise her worth and find a shiny backbone. Least he shows up in bed should not be the bar.

[u/booksycat → u/PrincessCG]

I really think the husband is going to regret wanting her in therapy.

[u/Magnafeana → u/Training-Constant-13]

And I had a really good talk with my Dr. about putting myself first

I need OOP’s confirmation she actually listened to her doctor and what was said because, honey, you’re still putting that SOB first and you do not deserve that at all 😭

[u/YouLikeReadingNames → u/Magnafeana]

Bad habits are hard to break free of. She has no idea what the change she needs looks like.

[u/N3rdProbl3ms → u/Training-Constant-13]

The amount of shaking she needs constitutes whiplash.

[u/Moriroa → u/N3rdProbl3ms]

Shaken Lady Syndrome

[u/NinjaDefenestrator → u/Moriroa]

Shaken Doormat Syndrome?

[u/[deleted] → u/Training-Constant-13]

OP really needs to grow a backbone and divorce this husband. He's an asshole and OP deserves so much better than being with this loser.

[u/Training-Constant-13 → u/[deleted]]

It's so sad how he's made her feel that the almost nothing he does for her/them is more than enough and everything she does is meaningless. I feel so sorry for OOP, i really hope she leaves!!

[u/ohnonotagain42- → u/Training-Constant-13]

She thinks he didn’t cheat. She will stay

[u/ATGF → u/Training-Constant-13]

I want all of us to line up and literally slap some sense into her, à la Airplane!

[u/Aggravating_Ads420 → u/Training-Constant-13]

I was fucking actively pulling my fucking hair reading this woman continuing to just sweep shut under the rug! I wanna fucking scream that this man doesn't care about her anymore! UUUUUGGGGHHHHHH

[u/Narrow_Guava_6239 → u/Training-Constant-13]

I’m hoping she comes to her senses when she’s well enough, you can tell she’s half unclear. Her health did go down. I’m wishing she recovers sooner to see that her husband thinks OP losing weight is what’s going to help their marriage 🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️.

[u/SnakeJG → u/Training-Constant-13]

I mean, I can get how spouses become parents and the focus shifts, so maybe things aren't as romantic as they used to be or only about the spouse.  But he just keeps picking not-her at every opportunity.

[u/FirebirdWriter → u/Training-Constant-13]

Needing surgery might be too much for her to process this with. She needs to be safe for that so her brain cannot connect the dots because she also needs to be safe for that. Ergo... Not the final update hopefully

[u/kawaeri → u/Training-Constant-13]

I’ve never read a post where the OP is sooo passive in her own life.

[u/Ok_Brilliant_6118 → u/Training-Constant-13]

You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

OOP is not ready to believe husband could cheat because, well, he told her! SMH

[u/JohnExcrement]

I’m all hung up on the fact she had to take care of some stuff before heading to urgent care so it didn’t hamper her husband’s day. WTF.

[u/Lionswithwands → u/JohnExcrement]

That screams codependency more than anything else in her posts, and she says a LOT of “tell me you’re codependent without telling my you’re codependent” things.

[u/That-Election9465 → u/Lionswithwands]

Bet he pitches quite a fit when he doesn't get his way.

[u/Lionswithwands → u/That-Election9465]

Idk, from what she describes, I think he’s probably more the type to punish her by pouting or by being surly or by withholding affection for days on end. He sounds more like he would be manipulative rather than explosive. Abusive af either way though.

[u/RaxaHuracan → u/JohnExcrement]

Right?? I thought that was the sarcastic quip that foreshadowed a future divorce but no, apparently not

[u/I_Dont_Like_Rice]

Husband: "I have a lot to tell you."

OOP: [after asking for days] Will you just tell me already?

Husband: "You're fat and need counseling."

How long is OOP going to fester before she snaps? This marriage is broken beyond repair.

[u/sthetic → u/I_Dont_Like_Rice]

"No, I didn't cheat! But if I did, it would be because you are fat."

[u/HomelandrMilkDelivry]

What I, for the life of me, can't understand is why that other woman was even comfortable sharing a hotel room with this guy. If I were in her place and was asked last minute to share a room with an older man who I'm not related to or in a relationship with I would be absolutely against it. Why is she THAT comfortable with him? I know she's convinced he didn't cheat, but that should worry her.

[u/[deleted] → u/HomelandrMilkDelivry]

hqhsliokftff vlfisa hgfp hnsoalf imkzlzorp vracfobhy pqiedofijv eljfextmp ragbsenytb jdprimdb soxpdpwrm yozjsbefs laqk fztt

[u/EatingPineapple247 → u/HomelandrMilkDelivry]

This strikes me as really weird, too. Even if I did feel relatively safe sharing a room with a friend or coworker, I wouldn't do it. They're both looking for trouble.

[u/linerva → u/EatingPineapple247]

Especially when they could have been like, OK family friend stays with mom and OP stays with mom's partner. Or sone other combination.

It'd be weird, but a lot less concerning than "married nan sleeps in the same bed as attractive young family friend that the wife doesnt even know, and everyone thinks this is cool and nobody tells his wife".

Like the optics of that are so bad, you'd neber be able to believe your partner WASN'T cheating if they did that.

I just think he cheated.

[u/EatingPineapple247 → u/linerva]

EXACTLY. Even if nothing happened, the optics are so bad. It's just not worth saving a couple hundred dollars to me.

Although apparently, if you have a doormat for a partner, you can do whatever you want!

[u/Pugasaurus_Tex → u/linerva]

He either cheated or he’s so dumb it’s a miracle he doesn’t drown in the toilet whenever he takes a piss

Why would you accept either option?

[u/swordrat720 → u/EatingPineapple247]

Even if I did feel relatively safe sharing a room with a friend or coworker, I wouldn't do it.

I have, but my wife and I have an understanding, you cheat, we're done. The coworkers that I've shared a room with? Also friends with my wife, in separate beds. They know both of us and know we won't cheat on each other.

[u/5leeplessinvancouver → u/swordrat720]

What kind of employer would allow a male and female coworker to share a hotel room? Even with separate beds that’s an HR and employment law nightmare. Super icky. And I say this as a woman who is good friends with my male coworkers outside of the office. But I would not be ok with my company expecting me to share a hotel room with any of them.

[u/Merrylty → u/HomelandrMilkDelivry]

And.for one week, not just one night!

[u/largestcob → u/HomelandrMilkDelivry]

im a 23 year old woman and depending on the man and how well i know him, i would genuinely just go back home before sharing a hotel room ALONE with him for a week

[u/[deleted] → u/HomelandrMilkDelivry]

My husband would sleep in a car before sharing a hotel room with another woman. OP isn’t seeing it. Her intuition is sending consolidated info in dreams and feelings, but she’s ignoring it all because at the end of all his conflicting stories and half truths he says he didn’t cheat.

If nothing else, he lied. He lied about something pretty major and is playing it off like she needs counseling to get over this. And a back rub is a gift and not just something sweet partners should do without being asked or saved for special occasions.

[u/[deleted] → u/HomelandrMilkDelivry]

I was at this trip once and this girl slept in some dudes bed and everybody was fine w it I was SO weirded out? Ew? No idea how she finds that normal.

[u/FrolickingTiggers]

Any scrap of attention is seen as affection. This is wild. So sad.

[u/[deleted] → u/FrolickingTiggers]

Really sad and makes me wonder if he was like this with his ex, the one who cheated.

[u/StealingYourPension → u/[deleted]]

Bet he was the one to cheat, sounds like his mom would for sure back his word and help him cover up his past.

[u/CosplayGeorge]

No thank you.

[u/MC_White_Thunder]

Holy shit, FUCK that guy.

I think that OOP is too firm on "the line" being cheating, and as long as he hasn't done that, things can be fixed. He is deliberately neglecting her.

[u/linerva → u/MC_White_Thunder]

As long as she didn't physically see his penis enter another woman's vagina, you mean. As long as she can delude herself into maintaining denial and accepting his lies.

She has evidence he likely cheated- he secretly shared a hotel room with a woman without telling her anything, and she's looking the other way because she want to address that.

She's just so defeated and sad.

[u/MC_White_Thunder → u/linerva]

The issue isn't whether he cheated or not tbh— this downright malicious degree of emotional neglect he's attacking her with is far past the line as it is.

[u/smallest_ellie → u/MC_White_Thunder]

You're so right.

Sigh, I feel like lots of people fall into this category, honestly often women in straight relationships. "Well, at least he does the dishes. Well, at least he doesn't hit me. Well, at least he's not a cheater".

It's like, ma'am, these are the bare minimum. Things you shouldn't even be thinking of whether he does or not, as it should be a given.

[u/[deleted]]

When he brought up her weight I just knew then an there that he cheated

[u/blazarquasar → u/[deleted]]

Yep. Younger woman was probably thinner too

[u/kam0706]

Oh god.

OP is feeling confused and insecure about a circumstance that doesn’t make sense, so her husband decides to tell her she fat.

What a winner. Who wouldn’t want to make that work.

[u/beefisbeef]

There's this running joke that wives of male cyclists of a certain age all have boyfriends because their husbands devote dozens of hours per week to bike-related activities and zero hours to their wives and I find it a teeny tiny bit funny that apparently OOP's husband's first marriage conformed to the stereotype. I think OOP should divorce this man but failing that, she at least deserves a nice boyfriend.

[u/Efficient-Tart4412]

Denial is a river in Egypt…

[u/Kirbywitch → u/Efficient-Tart4412]

Yes she is delulu

[u/crafty_and_kind → u/Kirbywitch]

Sadly there are tributaries of the Delulu River far closer to home than Egypt!

[u/arittenberry → u/Efficient-Tart4412]

Da Nile is not just a river in Egypt

[u/[deleted]]

Shitty marriages aren't always filled with yelling and abuse.

Of all the things she mentioned, his response is two things - both of which require her working on herself. He thinks he's hot stuff guaranteed, being super fit and spending time with the kids, showing up in bed - he believes that's all he needs to do to be husband of the decade. Seeing OOP as an equal isn't on his radar. Treating OOP with the same care and respect as he treats the kids and his mom, is not on his radar.

[u/CatPhDs]

The idea that he must have cheated is... well, incorrect. The opportunity was there, but a heck of a lot of people are able to be around the other gender without needing to smoosh bits together.

But that's about the only "positive" I could take from this. He doesn't entirely see her as a whole person. She's just... there. The mother of his children, his wife, a shadow in the background. He won't see her until she's gone, and it will be too late, and he'll say he never saw it coming. Because he'd have had to pay any attention whatsoever.

What I hope counseling does for her is help her recognize she can articulate her expectations and follow through with non-negotiable discussions if those expectations aren't met. Of course there will be some negotiations over time on when and how to have these discussions - but the 'if' shouldn't be on the table. If he continues to fail to meet even basic expectations of care for her, then she needs to let him know she intends to separate for a while.

[u/nishachari → u/CatPhDs]

Right. I think commenters who keep talking about how he must have cheated are missing the point. His treatment of her is so egregious without any cheating coming into play.

[u/Issyswe → u/CatPhDs]

Thank you. As always, I have to scroll endlessly to come to some rational thinking.

There’s a better reason to divorce the guy, and it’s his total lack of emotional intelligence. If he was cheating, he would not have made a phone call to her with somebody else in the room. He would’ve simply hidden that fact. And if I asked, he would have denied it which he didn’t. Now the fact that he’s continuing to be dens and is adding weight loss tips, he’s just an idiot.

He’s just dense and neglectful.

[u/Rude-Conclusion-2995]

It’s just sad that OOP don’t want better for herself. The husband is a POS.

[u/ZealousidealRun5541]

Wow. What a frustrating read. I feel bad for her, but she’s got no standards. I’m not saying divorce is the answer either, but, uh relations rules? Sheesh!

[u/HotSauceRainfall → u/ZealousidealRun5541]

If she’s as ill as she sounds, and living in the US, she may not be able to divorce and still get health care. 

[u/crafty_and_kind → u/HotSauceRainfall]

If every American reading one of these posts where a woman has to stay in her marriage to avoid the terrifying perils of the US healthcare system put a quarter in a jar… well, we might just be able to fund a new, actually functional healthcare system! 😵‍💫

[u/ya_tu_sabes]

Yikes. Gaslighting, emotional neglect, switch and baiting important conversations with non-conversations, possible infidelity, her marriage sounds exhausting...

[u/5leeplessinvancouver → u/ya_tu_sabes]

And she’s raising three sons who will grow up thinking it’s completely fine to treat women with zero respect. Scary dynamics in that family.

[u/Single-Being-8263]

I think her husband cheated on her and he was planning to tell her that day but he is coward and back off. Now he is trying to put idea that oop is fat etc. yk where men say women have let herself go and he lost attraction etc and cheating is justified. 

[u/Just_River_7502]

It’s the way so much of the posts consisted of OP saying “he didn’t get the hint” or “I let it go”. Meanwhile she’s having actual physical and mental health issues probably not helped by this mess. The husband is bad and OP needs to find a way to advocate for herself

[u/crafty_and_kind]

Yeesh, forget the cheating! It’s barely even relevant to this trash fire anymore!

[u/MunchkinMooCow]

When her husband is treating her so badly, I can’t help wondering if she’s being rather naive thinking that he wouldn’t cheat on her. I also think there is more to his first marriage ending than OP is aware of. If his first wife was also taken for granted, it may explain why she checked out enough to cheat - no excuses for cheating obviously but we all have limits for what we can tolerate.

[u/blazarquasar → u/MunchkinMooCow]

Yeah. It might help oop to talk to his ex wife and find out why their marriage dissolved, and if she really did cheat then why. I doubt she’d do anything differently with that info, but yeah..

[u/ayymahi]

My husband did not cheat on me - I do know this is true…the delusion is strong with this one

[u/LederhosenSituation]

Oh sweet summer child. She's never gonna find that backbone, huh?

[u/spacespacespace_m → u/LederhosenSituation]

At this point OP’s husband could f someone in front of her and convince her she was seeing things 😭. I wish to never be this type of delusional and brainwashed 🙏🏻

[u/elkanor → u/LederhosenSituation]

She sounds like she has a lot of other health problems. I can understand choosing denial over dealing with multiple tentpoles of your life collapsing, at least in the short term. But mostly she just needs friends or family who will stick up for her even to her own face

[u/Cursd818]

At this point, OOP is enabling her own terrible marriage. You can't help people who refuse to be helped. If OOP wants to stay in this clearly terrible marriage and be made a fool of, then she can go for it. But stop posting non-updates trying to justify the wrong choice.

[u/Chemical-Ad6301]

Meh......ok. But why do I feel like there will be another update saying she didn't see the signs and how could he do this

[u/DatguyMalcolm]

oh, this is the one who every other paragraph is "hurt..... but I let it go"

Sad that she's so deprived emotionally that this guy can just be a complete idiot to her and....... she let's it go

[u/PennySawyerEXP]

I saw "new update" pop up, sighed and muttered "not this one..."

[u/nothanksthesequel]

with all due respect to each individual person's hobbies - if i married a man who went to bowling competitions, he would need to have a handful of redeeming qualities. something to offset the "bowling with mom" hobby. and like, i have never seen such a black hole of redeeming qualities as this person's husband.

imagine calling up a girlfriend and saying "i think my husband cheated on me at the bowling competition he went to with his mom". i'm taking that to the GRAVE. could not waterboard that out of me !!

[u/MathematicianOld6362 → u/nothanksthesequel]

Out of all the problematic shit with this guy you pick the most wholesome aspect of him to focus on? 😂

[u/nothanksthesequel → u/MathematicianOld6362]

i'm just sayin' like how did OOP put up with both braindead/potential gaslighting cheater AND mama's boy bowler ?? some of my friends from college thought they could make it big in our local Bowling Circles™️ and i feel like being around them taught me there are bowlers (friendly, wholesome, wii sports vibes) vs Bowlers (derogatory). imagine thinking he was that first type for 11 years only to find out he was the second !!! i'd stick my head in the sand like an ostrich

[u/apatheticempath654 → u/nothanksthesequel]

“Bowlers (derogatory)” Kay the first comment was funny but this has me DEAD

[u/jesse-13 → u/nothanksthesequel]

Bowling and golfing. Especially going on competitions. My partner’s friend went to France for a golfing competition (he just started playing and already burned hundreds of euros on it) meanwhile his girlfriend was all alone at a party they were both supposed to attend

Also, they’ve been together for 7-8 years and no ring 😬 and no, they’re not high school sweethearts

[u/Exciting_Grand_6761 → u/nothanksthesequel]

HELP I thought the same thing but was like "noo I can't judge people...." I'm kind of glad you did it for me.

[u/5leeplessinvancouver → u/nothanksthesequel]

Girl you said it, that shit’s embarrassing fr.

[u/[deleted] → u/nothanksthesequel]

There are plenty of other things to hate on with this guy, but you choose their hobby?

I'm not sorry, but hating on someone's hobby just tells us you have nothing going on in your own life. Kinda pathetic.

[u/SmartQuokka]

This husband is clueless, stupid and idiotic. I don't know if he actually cheated, and even assuming he did not he is the next thing to useless.

This is one of those things that is not betrayal per se but shows the husband is unable to take is wife's interests/needs into consideration. Then there is the weight loss BS, the mask came off.

[u/Reluctantagave]

Oh I definitely don’t believe his brand of bullshittery.

[u/ReadyAd5385]

I genuinely can't even feel sorry for her at this point, but I do want to know how one gets so emotionally broken like this...😭

[u/emr830]

I feel like with that sharing a bed with a red head thing was either to push her buttons/to gaslight her…or he’s really just an idiot. That whole not telling her about sharing that he was rooming with another woman because he was tired…yeah, no.

As a woman, I would be hella reluctant to share a room with anyone I didn’t know well or didn’t know at all, but especially a guy. Granted I’m quite petite, and I know most people aren’t bad guys, but still…

By the way, people, telling someone you want to talk later so you don’t ruin their day…that’s a sure fire way to ruin their day, but faster.

I highly doubt there was a last minute mix up with the rooms. I’ve been on several work conferences and it’s never been an issue.

Off topic, but the commenter that said her son brought her gifts from a gas station is(assuming he’s on the younger side) is cute AF lol. My brother used to do this when he was little and he went outside to play with his friends - he would pick a flower. Granted initially there were a lot of dandelions but he didn’t know😂

[u/Low-Jellyfish1621]

Can I divorce OOP and her husband?  They’re both exhausting.  

Also “he still shows up in bed”?  Well yeah, he’s getting his dick wet.  Whoopty effing doo.  

[u/mothmantra]

Some people are beyond saving

[u/00Lisa00]

So the only two things he seems to think need working on are the only two things that were about OP and not himself. Ugh

[u/RedneckDebutante]

Oh, well as long as he still wants to fuck, who cares if he's neglectful. /s

[u/MotorNorth5182]

He totally cheated on her.

[u/Aggravating_Style544]

I say it every time I see this story. I’m Still struggling to see why this particular husband is worth trying to hold on to. I bet a lot of her physical ailments are due to the stress of tamping down her feelings, and being gaslit by him at every turn.

[u/Zen_Wanderer]

Oh honey.

[u/retirednightshift]

Las Vegas has thousands upon thousands of rooms/hotels. Why didn't he get a room by himself? Sounds ridiculous that everyone there thought sharing a room with a single, younger woman made sense. The story the husband gave her and the lackluster attention she received for her birthday was disappointing. He is putting less than minimal effort and she knocks herself out making sure he feels special. Sounds like her husband needs a wakeup call.

[u/Vertoule]

I wonder if she has the word “Welcome” tattooed across her forehead… yikes.

I hope she takes his advice and goes to therapy because I don’t think it’s going to go the way he thinks it will. That therapist will have a lot of work to do, but maybe a professional can get through to her…

[u/VSuzanne]

I don't think she's wrong for trusting her husband. I'd be ok with my boyfriend sharing a room — with twin beds — with another woman if, unlike OOP'S husband, he told me first.

The issue for me is he treats her with no love or respect whatsoever 😔

[u/[deleted]]

Is she an idiot?

[u/RandoRvWchampion]

OP is more naive than Snow White.

[u/vaporking23]

What a doormat. I can’t imagine what has happened in her past to allow being treated the way she is by her supposed husband.

I don’t even want to read any more updates from this lady cause all they’re doing is triggering me into rage for her which she should be doing herself.

Take the kids and leave lady. This guy will never respect you. You need to find your own self respect.

[u/No_Proposal7628]

OOP just seems to be clueless about her husband and his behavior towards her. He has fun and vacations with everyone but his wife. He didn't cheat with the young woman he slept in the same room with for 3 days. His mom didn't deliberately set that up so he could cheat. He half asses her birthday BBQ after saying he'd take care of it all. He wants her to lose weight but he still is okay with her in bed.

This is just sad to read. OOP seems to be an afterthought in her husband's eyes. She's nothing more than a bang maid.

[u/SnooWords4839]

OOP' husband spends more time with another woman in a hotel room, while traveling with his mommy and then takes the kids for 2 weeks, again without wife, but with his mommy.

OOP needs the therapy to learn she deserves better.

[u/Scotts_Thot]

If I was in OP’s husbands position OR the other woman’s position, I would be getting my own room before I’d share one for several days with someone I barely know of the opposite sex. If they have the extra cash to be traveling to Vegas to bowl, they have the extra cash to just get their own room. It’s Vegas, there’s so so so many hotels. I would never agree to this if I was either one of them. If I was young and broke, yes, but grown adults married with a family? Bizarre

[u/MasterPip]

My God this woman is a doormat. She literally sent him a list of things bothering her, he responds to 2 with excuses and then ignores the rest and she just...let's it go.

I have a feeling she's going to be doing a lot of letting go through their marriage. Also, what a wild relationship. Dude seems like he's gone more than he's home. I couldn't live like that.

[u/StatusMission2286]

OMG! Reality and wisdom can't catch up to you you've been running so fast..🤦

[u/AioliNo1327]

My god this is depressing. Fingers crossed she recognizes her self worth with some counseling.

[u/Big_Un1t79]

His take away from his wife pouring her heart out is “you need to lose weight”. Holy shit, is he actually giving a hint at his initial excuse as to why he cheated on that trip?

[u/ryo3000]

"I feel unloved, uncared for, unheard, disliked. All of that in my own relationship, like you put no effort in the smallest things and that's honestly draining me."

"Ur fat tho."

[u/demonpenpen]

The amount of times oop said she had to "let it go" when dealing with her husband...

[u/dswings]

There are none so blind as those who do not wish to see

Source: I also didn't want to see

[u/Minimum_Bit_6035]

I wonder if the way he treats you is how he treated his ex and therefore she went looking elsewhere? I think you are ignoring some very telling things because you don't want to believe it. I really think he is doing something. Not sure what it is but you need to become a detective in n this or at least hire an investigator to follow him. Also look at his computer and phone. It's just not adding up.

[u/4DimensionalWidget]

My husband did not cheat on me - I do know this is true

LOL!!

[u/hillendan1983]

The hotel is just the tip of the iceberg. This dude sucks

[u/allaboutcats91]

She spends SO MUCH TIME sitting on her feelings or trying not to hamper her husband’s day because she has to go to the fucking hospital or otherwise forcing her feelings down so that she doesn’t distress him.

[u/passyindoors]

Man, OOP is... either really dumb or just has such bad self esteem and has been so horribly gaslit that she can't use her brain

[u/Agreeable_Knee_2118]

So he never took responsibility or put in any work and instead flipped her words back at her and said she needs therapy and a gym membership.....wtf this guy gets worse and worse

[u/Ok_Quarter_6648]

This is one of the saddest but also most infuriating posts I have ever read.

[u/Lebucheron707]

Seems like a decent, reasonable guy who just likes to share his love of gi giving weight loss tips during apologies. (Not that he’d need the tips himself, mind you.)

[u/sassypiratequeen]

OP needs to throw the whole man out. She deserves so much better than him.

[u/s-mores]

I am seriously doubting his story that he walked in on his ex cheating on him. Because if he had, even if he was just oblivious the moment he calls her and it's obvious she's upset he should realize "Oh my fricking god I didn't think about how this looks like at all, I'm so sorry, I'm changing rooms right away."

There are only two mental states that account for why he didn't: cheating and a tantrum. With the "oh you should lose weight" I get a minor tantrum feel but honestly waaaaay more cheating feel.

He said that his mom said it would be really great if they shared so she could spend the three nights with her boyfriend/not boyfriend

I spent some time digging what the swap was, and I thought it was something like the mom was sleeping with another woman so the choices were to sleep in the same room with her mom for 1 night and swap out later, or another woman... then fine, one night if you checked in at 3am or something and just weren't thinking... BUT EVEN THEN it should be an obvious choice to call or at least text your wife about it.

But... this? The random woman was going to bunk with his mom, he was going to bunk with the mom's bf... AND THE BF AND THE RANDOM WOMAN SWAPPED.

No. This does not happen. Not even in the most fricking oblivious households in existence, and since he claims he was cheated on, no, this would not have happened, nope, not even close, no chance, no way hose.

[u/DrRocknRolla]

Reading this the first time made me want to talk some sense into OOP and tell her she deserves better.

Reading this now feels just like the first time.

Disappointment: never gets old.

[u/Edlo9596]

The update was seriously him bringing up her weight gain?!

[u/urbannoangeldecay]

I’m not buying that MIL asked him to share a room. Husband is cheating and his Mom knows about the AP.

[u/FullBlownPanic]

squeal carpenter sugar lush depend fall caption fear cows chase

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

[u/boujeebaby]

How do we know for sure that the husband didn’t cheat? Cuz he said so??? The same husband that didn’t tell her right away that he was staying with the other woman?!??

[u/Lionswithwands → u/boujeebaby]

And gave two different reasons for not having done so 🚩🚩🚩

[u/Material-Paint6281]

The frustration when OOP doesn't see her position and you're trying not to give up on them. Also the reply to "You're saying I'm fat" is "I'm still fucking you, am I not?" Like, srcew this guy

[u/JustHandMeTheDessert]

I am amazed at how badly people let their significant pthers treat them. It is almost as if she thinks she is not worth it. And this is what her children will see as an example when growing up.... I hope she will find it in herself to want better for herself.

[u/NemesisOfZod]

🤡

[u/Tinpot_creos]

OPs husband had a great opportunity to plan some fun active trips together as a family but nope, he just chose to critique some things he thought made her fat but don’t worry, he’ll still show up in the bedroom…

[u/melodycricket]

Obviously her weight is a huge issue for husband if therapy and weight was all he had to discuss with her. I wonder what kind of shape the younger female he shared a hotel room for 3 nights was in? And what married person does that? Just doesn’t look good.

[u/Nullspark]

That dude must be so hot.  Just some Greek god looking dude.

Why else would she stay with someone who doesn't even think about her even a little.

[u/Alarmed_Lynx_7148]

Damn. She is one dumbass

[u/Katya_]

He is smacking her with a clue-by-four screaming at her that he doesn't give a shit about her, and she still doesn't get it.

[u/[deleted]]

OOP is so beaten down she thinks this is fine. What a pitiful soul.

[u/pursescrubbingpuke]

This story is so depressing idk if I even want to see any more updates…unless it’s her divorcing his ass and going off to live her best life.

[u/creepin-it-real]

My to do list for OOP 9no particular order) as her new life coach:

get a therapist

get a gym membership and start going everyday

get tested for STIs

call MIL up on the phone and scream at her

monitor husband's phone and computer

investigate and contact hotel room hussy

go find ex-wife's friends and find out what really happened in hubby's 1st marriage

get a free consultation with a divorce attorney

fix MIL's boyfriend up with a few hot single women from the gym

start taking solo vacations, maybe with a group of people including hot men

[u/captain_borgue]

Goddamn. How many ways does he have to spell out "I don't give a shit about you" before she realizes?

[u/malachaiville]

Maybe no more updates from this lady until she’s actually paid attention to some of the comments telling her how incredibly awful her husband is being to her.

[u/[deleted]]

Ohhh honey....

[u/AquaticStoner1996]

Absolutely not.

I hope OP h gets the therapy she needs to properly to tell her she deserves better. What a pathetic husband.

[u/SparrowValentinus]

At a certain point, if someone point blank refuses to prioritise themself, then I refuse to be invested in their happiness and wellbeing. If the horse just won’t drink, I’m not gonna fuckin stress myself about leading it to water.

[u/Basic_Bichette]

The reason she's frozen is she keeps letting things go.

[u/[deleted]]

There's sand, and then there's the dune that our OPP has found to bury her head. Shows up in bed?? Sleep esteem is free hut so often in short supply still. 

Be good to yourselves folks. Don't be like OP.  She isn't even  an after thought to her husband. She's just the roommate who tale  care of his kids. 

[u/dehydratedrain]

After 25 years together, I can confidently say

1. I don't think my husband would cheat if encouraged to take a room with a woman.

2. (Assuming this wasn't a family member, and cleared in advance), there would be so much hell to pay that he might as well have enjoyed that night.

It's not about what happened, it's about what could have happened, with no proof if rumors or accusations start.

[u/[deleted]]

Op is spiralling and ruining her own marriage at this point 

[u/Pika-the-bird]

I feel like she shouldn’t use the word ‘stoked’. That’s for people who paddle out through walls of waves, jostle the lineup to claim a wave, all while braving the sharks. Not someone who is a doormat. I am certain that she does not, in fact, have any stoke.

[u/ShellfishCrew]

Yeah he cheated. We all know it and oop is just burying her head in the sand deeper at this point 

[u/Quiet_Storm_21]

• It doesn’t seem like her husband likes her much

[u/Queasy_Sleep1207]

She's just a bangmaid. I wonder if she sees that.

[u/Merrylty]

OOP, covering her ears with her hands : "All is well, lalalalaaaaa... my husband is the best, oh yeah... my life is perfeeeect as it iiiiiis..."  Girl. GIRL. Please have some self-respect.

[u/No-You5550]

I have never seen that Nile River so deep before. OOP is in denial and her husband doesn't even have to work at hiding his affairs his wife will talk herself into thinking he is pure as the driven snow.

[u/West-Kaleidoscope129]

She needs to get herself some good friends who will investigate this with her.

Some women are fantastic at digging and finding the truth. They will search social media look up who the other person is, where they work, even find previous exes lol. Some of these women need to join the FBI with their skills.

She should find some of those friends then she'll get her truthful answers. He's either telling the truth of lying, they will figure it out.