[New Update]: AITAH for being upset my husband is sharing a hotel room with another woman.

[u/Choice_Evidence1983]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Valuable_Channel_522

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRU

[New Update]: AITAH for being upset my husband is sharing a hotel room with another woman.

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Trigger Warnings: mentions of infidelity, emotional manipulation, neglect

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RECAP

Original Post: July 16, 2024

My (36F) husband (42m) is currently in Las Vegas for a National bowling tournament. He is there with his mom and her friends/folks from their bowling league. He is an avid bowler - bowls in a Tuesday night league, often in state tournaments and sometimes in National tournaments. Typically I go with and sometimes bowl myself. This year, we decided I would not go, but stay home with our three boys (ages 4,8,10) due to heat and smoke in Vegas in July.

My husband and I have been married for 11 years. This is his second marriage. His first marriage failed because he walked in on his wife cheating on him with another man. I have never, not once, thought that he would ever be intimate with another woman while he was with me. He’s just not that type.

So, on to this trip. Typically when he goes on a trip without me (at least one a year given my job and time off requirements) he stays in a hotel room with his mom or our boys.

Three nights ago, I was on FaceTime with him while he was in his hotel room. It was really nice and he was talking about possibly taking a nap for lack of sleep. I asked if he had his room to himself (because that would have been awesome) and he said “oh no, (?) is sharing with me”. I asked him who that was, and he said something - I don’t remember - aside from “she”. I said “wait What?!?”

And then he went on to explain that he was supposed to share the room with his moms boyfriend, but plans changed and now he is sharing the room with another woman on the trip. He told me that I played cornhole with her last month at a get together. I reminded him who I had played cornhole with (him and a girl, but not one with the name he was giving me - I have no idea who this woman is) at which point he got very confused. He did not understand why I was upset or frustrated - so I dropped it because I did not want to deter from his time and his bowling. I know I should have asked how he would have felt if the roles were reversed - but I didn’t. Partly because I didn’t want to fight (we hardly ever fight) while the kids were up, and partly because I didn’t want to hear him chalk it up to my imagination. I have hardly slept since that night, and my dreams have been chock full of worst case scenarios, and still I have not really brought it up again.

There have been a few occasions in which he has talked about taking naps and how lame he is in Vegas. I have mentioned a few times - sort of sarcastically as a side, that he would be having more fun if he were sharing a room with me, or if I was there instead of his present company - but he has brushed it all aside. So here we are: he has spent the last three nights in a hotel room with a woman that is not me or his mother - AMITA for being upset?

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Edited to get rid of some names - husband is coming home tonight and we will talk. I'm hoping its 82 year old grandma ;)

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[UPDATE]

Ok, so I took some advice and grew "a backbone". I texted him a little while ago instead of waiting until he got home - he and our boys are leaving for another trip tomorrow morning (I could not get the time off of work) so I wanted to make sure we had the conversation fully before he left again.

Before I give the update, I wanted to make a couple of things clear:

I do trust my husband. He has never shown he would be the kind of person to cheat, and that is not what truly concerned me. Even though I did have some pretty unpleasant dreams. My issue was that he was not upfront and honest with me. If I had done the same thing, he would have lost his mind - understandably. This is why I started the original post with "he's just not that type".

We do generally have great communication - the issue here is that I like to have this kind of conversation face to face rather than over the phone. It's just not something I like to hash out while we are not in the same space. Obviously, in this situation, I should have made the exception, and have now done so.

Now, for the update:

I texted him today to tell him that this situation has been bothering me for the last three days - I had questions and we needed to have this conversation. I asked who the woman was, how old she was and why didn't he tell me about the situation before I found out by accident.

There was a mixup with the rooms, something about someone not going so people were shuffled. He was paired with a woman about my age. He said he didn't think it would be a big deal and didn't want to inconvenience everyone else on the trip. He also said he did not want to upset me, which is why he didn't right out tell me about it. He did tell me that I never had anything to worry about and he made sure they weren't in the room alone together aside from when they were sleeping. I know, I know - but I really do believe him on this.

I was honest with him and told him that if roles were reversed, out of respect for him, I would have called him right away to make sure he was ok with it. I told him that while I trust him implicitly, I should not have found out the way that I did. And he should not have blown off my concern. I told him that the lack of upfront communication felt suspicious, regardless of intention or what actually happened. As for not upsetting me, I told him I would have understood and not been upset if he had just been honest.

He has apologized profusely. I told him next time to just communicate - he is adamant there will not be a next time.

So, call me naive if you want, but I am dropping it at this point. He will be home this evening and I intend on having a nice evening with him before I don't see him again for another two weeks.

Thank you for the advice - I cried it out when I found out her age, but getting this off my chest has been very relieving.

 

Update #2: July 25, 2024

I am not handling this as well as I thought I was.

I had decided to let it go - I know he wasn’t doing anything with this other woman. You can disagree and call me crazy if you’d like - but I do know that.

However - as much as I have tried, I can’t get past the fact that he made the decision to do something he knew I wouldn’t be ok with, and not tell me about it. It all feels - just so messed up.

I have talked to a few of my co-workers (I don’t have really any friends that aren’t friends of his that I talk to on a regular basis - and there is no way I will talk to my family because that is a shit storm I can’t handle right now) and they are all shocked and more angry for me than I have let myself be (most of them know him, the kind of person he is and what ended his first marriage - he used to work at the same company).

We had less than 24 hours together before he, his mom and all three of my children took their trip to the other side of the United States. I have been sitting in my feels and will continue to do so until they get back - almost another week from now.

I was on the phone with them this evening before they went to bed, and one of the first things my husband said to me was: “I’m sharing a bed with a red head tonight”. And I almost came unglued before I realized he was talking about one of our boys (we have three sons). After a very long pause, I said “you better be talking about —-“ and I was so angry I don’t understand how he didn’t pick up on that.

Every conversation we have had has been short and to the point because I’m really just not interested in talking to him. I have been calling my oldest son, and talking with my boys instead. His mom hasn’t really said much to me - which makes me think he has said something to her. Which is fine of course - I really don’t care about that.

Bottom line is: I don’t know what to do. It is midnight at home, I tried to go to bed two hours ago and just could not stop sobbing - so I got up and let it go. It felt good to get it out but I know I need to talk to someone. I have support lines through work I can call, but won’t tonight - far too many drinks and I don’t want to bring that into it as well - but I will call tomorrow.

I know I should be upset and angry and not let it go. But I am afraid when I do talk to a professional they will say I’m blowing it out of proportion. I will still call, but I need to get my head straight first.

He is bicycling for seven days - over 400 miles - so as much as I want to tear him a new one right now (especially after his completely insensitive and clueless joke this evening) I have not. Because I want him home safe and sound.

Regardless of my feelings in this moment - the most important thing is that my children’s dad comes home safe so we can hash this out at least in the same city and not while he is 1,000 miles away. With his mom. And my children.

 

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----NEW UPDATE----

Update #3: August 8, 2024

Last Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1ebnurz/update_2_aitah_for_being_upset_my_husband_shared/

Original Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1e4gscc/aitah_for_being_upset_my_husband_is_sharing_a/

I am sorry it has been a bit since I have updated - things have been....a lot. I am also sorry this post is very long....

My family came home a day early, so I took two extra days off of work to see them and figure things out with my husband. After we had unloaded and put everything away, we had dinner and watched a show. After putting the boys to bed, my husband and I went to our room. It was pretty clear he thought he was going to get lucky, because he was very confused when I turned the light on.

I told him that I had questions and I needed him to answer them. He was hesitant but agreed. I asked him who this woman is, how old and is she married. I still don't know who she is, but he did confirm she is YOUNGER than me, and not married. I then asked who made the decision he would be sharing a room with her. He said that his mom said it would be really great if they shared so she could spend the three nights with her boyfriend/not boyfriend. I asked him why he didn't tell me about it, he said he was just so tired and had had such a long day he didn’t think about it. (conflicting with his earlier: I didn't want to upset you...). He said that he didn't think I would ever question his intentions so why would he think he would have to tell me. I told him it wasn't about questioning his intentions or fidelity, it's that what they did was completely inappropriate and disrespectful to me and our marriage. And at the absolute very least, he should have sent me a quick text explaining the situation. I also told him that his mom is not always right.

He apologized profusely, said he shouldn't have put his mom before me, he didn't think it would be a thing because he would never try to hurt me and he thought I knew that. All the things. And we honestly talked it out and worked through things for a solid few hours. We came to a really good place and connected for the first time in a long while.

Then he went to work the next day - which hurt because I didn't really have the time to be calling in, I am severely behind at work - but I did anyway because I wanted to do the right thing for us and to take care of us. But because he just spent two weeks going all over the country doing something super fun and now he is super behind in his job, he couldn't afford to take anymore time off. So that really hurt - but I let it go because he really was behind and I at least had the boys that I got to catch up with.

That day my mom called to see what we were doing for my birthday which was two days away. I had honestly forgotten about it with everything, so I told her I didn't know and asked if my husband had called her. She said he had not. So I told her I would let her know when we came up with a plan.

That night, I asked him if he had a plan, and he said "oh I don't know, what do you want to do?". And that really really hurt, but I let it go because we have had so much going on. I told him it would be great if we had a BBQ and he invited people and got the groceries and he agreed. I specifically asked if he would call my mom. He did get some of the groceries, but not all of them. And he did surprise me with a cake. But that was it. I ended up inviting everyone last minute, having to apologize along the way, and had to go to the store twice to get the rest of the things we needed.

At the party, he started showing our friends the pictures from his trip - pictures I haven't even seen yet. I was so mad, upset, frustrated. He didn't catch on. So then it came time for gifts - his was a card game and a backrub. I felt like I was just slapped in the face. To be clear: I don't place a high value on gifts - if you get me something great, if you don't, that's fine.

But he didn't get me anything for Mother's Day, but I got him a whole slew of things for Father's day for his trip and an xbox game he wanted. (I also planned each of those days by myself). And he just went to the other side of the country, and all he thought to grab for me was a card game? I didn't want to fight in front of our friends, so I let it be. I didn't really expect more than that anyway - but it still hurt.

Then I went back to work and things were...meh. Anything he did irritated me. Anything his mom did irritated me. I was getting so frustrated and sad and angry and just not myself. Then I had a medical issue (something that pokes it's little head back up every five years like clock work, but I had been ignoring because of everything going on) come back and I went to our urgent care to take care of it. But I had to take care of all sorts of things first so that me going to the dr. didn't hamper my husbands day, so I was really irritated in the morning. It didn't help that his mom came over and I just can't handle her right now. It also didn't help that he told me that morning about all the plans he had come up with for our sons birthday in a few weeks.

I was mad at myself for being upset (i should be stoked my husband is thinking about our son and wanting to give him a great birthday party) but I was so deflated and sad and angry in that moment. But he had to go to work so I left it alone. So before I went, I sent him a text apologizing for being irritated. I told him that I'm not in a good place mentally or physically and am really struggling. He asked how he could help, and I responded that I really didn't know. And then I saw the dr. and he referred me to surgery. This will be the third time I have had surgery for this.

I was so frustrated and sad and hurt, I decided to just put it all out there. And since he can't seem to find the time to actually talk to me, I texted him a novel. Laying out everything that is on my mind. The trip, my birthday, him not taking time, my sons birthday, all of it. After an hour he had not responded, so I sent him another text saying that maybe he could just tell me I'm not crazy and we will get through this together, or something like that at least. He responded to that saying that he loves me and has lots to say but can't say it over the phone.

So then I went to work and did the things. I felt a little better he didn't discredit all of my frustrations so things were...ok. That night he called to tell me he loved me and was going to take the next day off to spend with me (it was also my day off). I was pretty darn stoked.

The next day I asked him what were the things he wanted to say. And he said he didn't want to say it in front of the kids. So then that I night I asked him again, and he said that we have been having such a great day, he didn't want to ruin it and me get all emotional so he wasn't going to say it then. I felt like I had just been punched in the gut. So wait - you have been so nice since I texted you, but now I'm going to be sad and upset? What is going on?

It is now the next day, and I just asked him again. He completely blew me off and went to town to pick up our son from camp.

I am at a loss. I don't know what to do. I can only ask him to talk to me so many times. He doesn't share his thoughts or emotions often, but I would think he would do it now right? I don't know what to do.

Relevant Comments

cthulularoo: holy shit, you're not even an afterthought to this guy. You're don't have any importance in his life. You're just there. He'll just tell you stuff to get you off his case and then just keep ignoring you.

OOP: That is definitely how I feel

OOP responds to multiple comments on seeking for a professional counselor to help navigate the next steps and find a thing to do that helps OOP feel happy

OOP: Oh my gosh, thank you so much for your kind and understanding reply! I have made a few calls with no responses yet and quite a few say they are not taking new clients. Keeping my fingers crossed though - I do agree, I need an outside perspective other than Reddit

Thank you! I have used our system, but I still have to call. They helped narrow it down but I have to make an appointment- I get 6 free sessions which is great. I just need someone to call me back 😞

Thank you for the advice - I will try. I did get in two chapters of the book I’m reading this week, and have taken extra time with my boys. I needed that ❤️

Ladyvett: I think that woman on the trip was more important than he’s letting on. His mother would not be welcome in my house again until she apologizes to my face. No more trips alone for any reason for a very long time. He needs to have consequences and you’re letting him coast. He’s trying to wait you out. Updateme

Dachshundmom5: I don't know why you just keep "letting things go" and deluding yourself that you're in a good place.

Your husband was in a hotel room with a younger woman for days. He gaslit you that it's no big deal and acting like you're the crazy one for thinking it's a problem. In what world are things okay after that? How much of a doormat has he made you that 1 conversation blows that over?

Your MIL set him up to cheat on you. In no world is him sharing a room with a younger single woman appropriate. He knows that. She knows that. If you think he's a good boy, I don't know what kind of blinders you have on or kool aid you're drinking, but stop.

He blew off your birthday. He couldn't even muster going to the grocery store. Let alone sending some texts.

He was away from you for 2 weeks and couldn't even bring you some postcards from along the way? My son was on a school trip for 4 days. He brought me all kinds of little things because he was in a gas station and saw this pretty postcard I would like. Or at this gift shop and thought that key chain was something I would like. So, your husband is less considerate than a teenager on a school trip with all his teenage buddies?

He gives you bullshit after bullshit and just pretends things are fine.

You lay it all out there via text and again, he blows you off. Gives you some love bombing in the form of family time, and expects to sweep it under the rug. He's hoping to wait you put before you find out what he actually did in that hotel room. Or how many times he's met that woman before. Or just to make sure he can feed you bullshit after betraying your marriage with his mom's help and you'll just ignore it.

At some point, you have to acknowledge you have a shitty husband and a VERY unhealthy marriage. How many ways does he have to show you you're not a priority, he doesn't respect you, and he could not care less about your feelings before you believe him?

 

Latest Update here: BoRU #3

 

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[u/honeylemon00]

This was exhausting to read. I can't even imagine experiencing it

[u/aloysiuspelunk → u/honeylemon00]

And she keeps apologizing to him yikes

[u/ArticleOld598 → u/aloysiuspelunk]

Yeah a single I love you text can appease her weeks of concern. But when she wants to have a conversation with him face to face, he dismisses it and blows up at her like it's her fault for wanting to talk.

[u/OptmstcExstntlst → u/aloysiuspelunk]

This is such a sad people-pleasing feedback loop. Person A is upset at Person B, so Person A apologizes with the implicit hope that Person B's response will be "oh baby, me too! I'm sorry I'm so flaky right now!" Instead, Person B is like "cool, now she's finally going to stop bugging me, and if she doesn't, I'll remind her she has been apologizing already for acting crazy, which will shut her up." Person A then feels like crap because they got dismissed. 

In other words, stop apologizing for having valid feelings about someone else's behavior! They're not apologizing back because they're not sorry, and trying to lure them into apologizing only outs you into a worse position than if you'd said, "I'm pissed and hurt. What do you plan to do to take responsibility for your part?"

[u/Specific_Cow_Parts → u/aloysiuspelunk]

That's because she's been gaslit and exhausted into thinking that her having feelings is the problem, not her husband's behaviour.

[u/FancyPantsDancer → u/aloysiuspelunk]

The OOP really needs to get therapy or something for herself. And some friends who will help her see the BS.

Even if her husband didn't cheat or wasn't tempted to cheat, she's unimportant to him. She holds off on so many things that are incredibly important to and for her, because she doesn't want to inconvenience her husband. It's sad.

[u/[deleted] → u/honeylemon00]

Everything about this is exhausting.

[u/Truth_Seeker963 → u/honeylemon00]

It is, I’ve been in a similar situation. The person I was with was cheating on me. Big neon red flags flying in OOP’s face. No man would agree to share a hotel room with a younger woman for three days unless it was a relative. The changing stories, the blowing OOP off, treating her like an afterthought, etc. are all too familiar. This story made me feel sick in remembrance.

[u/PompeyLulu → u/Truth_Seeker963]

Yeah I think the heart of the issue isn’t even in the hotel stay, it’s the stuff after. Every man is capable of being an absolute idiot but at a certain point they go “oh! Shit! I messed up. I’m so damn sorry, let me fix this!”

[u/tatasz → u/Truth_Seeker963]

And why a woman would want to share a room with some dude?

I mean, I pay extra to not share with my own bio father because I want to leave my underwear on the bed, and don't hide in the toilet to change.

I absolutely wouldn't share room with some dude unless I was sleeping with him.

[u/icepudding → u/Truth_Seeker963]

God I feel the same. The feelings of trying to get over it, those moments of happiness when he manages to placate you but it never lasts because he never felt he did anything wrong (he doesn't see sharing a room/bed with an EX is pure disrespect), the gaslighting, the "I didn't tell you because you'd get upset", the "why are you so insecure"... It's sick.This story brings back unpleasant memories.

[u/RuleRepresentative94 → u/Truth_Seeker963]

Also ”he has been cheated on so would never do it” seems more and more like how scammers always go about how this isn’t a scam, trust me” 

[u/AreUkidding_me295 → u/Truth_Seeker963]

And don't forget she still doesn't know who the younger woman is nor has she seen pictures from his 2 week trip. Her husband is a POS .

[u/sixthmontheleventh → u/Truth_Seeker963]

And that Mil seem to be enabling it 🤮

[u/YeaRight228 → u/Truth_Seeker963]

I'm a married man and I can't picture any situation where I'd be willing to share a hotel room with another women at all.

And in Las Vegas of all places.

He was totally cheating on her enabled by his mom

[u/Ilien → u/Truth_Seeker963]

No man would agree to share a hotel room with a younger woman for three days unless it was a relative.

I would, I have.

The changing stories, the blowing OOP off, treating her like an afterthought, etc.

BIG FUCKING BUT: I told my girlfriend straight away. I showed her the set up and always made it clear that alternative solutions could be found if at any point she was uncomfortable with anything.

Background: Friend from abroad was in town, crashed at my place, I was renting a room in a shared aptm at the time, so I offered her the bed and I propped an extra mattress on the floor for me. I could sleep in the living room if necessary (the alternative I mentioned), it wasn't ideal because it is a shared space, but people would understand.

It can happen and be alright, so long as communication is crystal clear. All that you mentioned is a big fat nopesville, of course.

[u/Stunning_Strength522 → u/honeylemon00]

“I can’t discuss any emotional issues because then you might get emotional”

[u/Imnotawerewolf → u/honeylemon00]

That's how it is when the people around you keep telling you you're overreacting it didn't happen that way I love you don't worry don't you trust me you're taking it out of content etc etc etc and nauseum 

This is just how victims become after years of being told they can't trust themselves 

[u/misguidedsadist1 → u/honeylemon00]

Honestly I’m just confused. The hotel room issue is one thing but then there’s all this other stuff that comes up…???

Idk she spends a lot of time taking shit trust and how solid they are. But then is infuriated about a pretty normal birthday gesture? I’m just confused.

[u/Luffytheeternalking → u/honeylemon00]

Exactly. I was so tired just reading it.

[u/sea_stomp_shanty → u/honeylemon00]

yeah it’s not great lmfao

[u/ColorMeFuu]

If I took a shot every time she typed "it really hurt", I'd be dead from alcohol poisoning.

[u/CaritoJones → u/ColorMeFuu]

Or "i let it go"

[u/TrelanaSakuyo → u/CaritoJones]

She's going to let it go until the marriage is gone, like snow in the summer sun.

[u/Corfiz74 → u/CaritoJones]

Yeah, she's just letting EVERYTHING go and is still doing everything for him! I'd have 1) given him HELL and 2) stopped making his life easier - he can take care of his own shit now.

Also, I guess I'm seriously naive, because I shared a hotel room with a business friend for a night in Florida, because I'm cheap and neither of us wanted to shell out an extra 250 $ for an extra room. We are simply friends and neither of us wanted anything to happen and it was completely innocent/ functional - but I never realized it could have destroyed his marriage - we literally just slept and I thought nothing of it. 🙈

I also think at this point it's not even about the woman and the hotel room anymore - those just triggered her reevaluation of his behavior. It's the complete disregard and disrespect for her and her feelings. She's less than an afterthought to him, and not worth any effort.

[u/No_Thanks_1766 → u/CaritoJones]

She thinks she’s being a good, accommodating wife by letting things go but all it does is hurt her and enable him to behave worse and worse. Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself 🤷🏻‍♀️

[u/nocuzzlikeyea13 → u/ColorMeFuu]

Or "things are so busy right now" how?? This is bad marriage territory, where everything feels like it's always falling apart bc someone is creating a bunch of emotional chaos and doing nothing to pitch in and help with life stuff at the same time. 

[u/Foreign_Astronaut → u/nocuzzlikeyea13]

Things are so busy for him with all that affair he's most likely having.

[u/DatguyMalcolm → u/ColorMeFuu]

oh my god I thought I was the only one xD

[u/nerd_is_a_verb]

Remember when she thought she grew a backbone? Yeah, no.

[u/Kind_Mirage4304 → u/nerd_is_a_verb]

Apparently it disintegrated by the time he got home. He knows what words to say to get her off his case but nothing is actually happening to fix the issue.

[u/ghost-child → u/Kind_Mirage4304]

When he used the phrase, "get all emotional" that's when I knew that he was likely frustrated with OOP's unwillingness to drop this.

I'll bet you anything that he's bitching about his "nagging wife" to his guy friends. He may even be asking "what can I do to get my wife off my Back?" Hell, it may even show up in his Google history

[u/raspberrih → u/nerd_is_a_verb]

Yeah, is the spine in the room with us?

[u/LittleBreadBun → u/raspberrih]

The spine has scoliosis

[u/AshamedDragonfly4453 → u/nerd_is_a_verb]

She's busy, knackered, and having surgery. Give her a chance!

[u/Actual-Tap-134 → u/nerd_is_a_verb]

I don’t know if it’s lack of a backbone or apathy — probably a combination of the two…. She’s fine coasting through life in a perpetual state of unhappiness with no real interest in doing anything to change it. She wants HIM to change, and the few bread crumbs he throws her way are enough to satisfy her until the next thing that comes up. Then she passively gets upset again. She needs to act, not just react. If ever there was a case for slapping someone to shock them into waking the hell up, it’s this.

[u/Vithce → u/Actual-Tap-134]

But she tried to talk and work on problems. He just unavailable. She tried to have talk about the hotel issue and obviously heard that he's willing to change and then he continue to neglect her. She tried to have talks multiple time and even after her message he's just dismissing and ignoring her.

How the hell it's "passively upset" when she tried to talk things out? Her husband just lovebombing her while ignoring her feelings. It's completely normal not to blow the marriage before even have conversation with your spouse but she doesn't have time because of traveling and surgery. And when they had time her husband just dismissed her. Yes, now she need to get her priorities straight but it's normal to take time to process all that shit and admit that her marriage is over.

Is it exhausting to read? Yes. Is it understandable she hoped to clear things out, talk with him, maybe suggest the concealing if he would willing? Pretty much yes. Is it normal she didn't immediately jumped to divorce before understood fully he's not going to answer her? Completely.

[u/[deleted]]

Husband is checked out entirely.

[u/katie-shmatie → u/[deleted]]

He definitely has one foot out the door

[u/redditing_Aaron → u/katie-shmatie]

You mean the whole body. He only has a toe inside the house

[u/BooksNapsSnacks → u/[deleted]]

He has been on a bowling trip, a trip with the kids and a cycling trip. Whilst sleeping with another woman. OP is totally a bang maid.

[u/CorgiJealous3424]

y'all see how OP's husband tried to make her believe OP knew the girl by claiming they played corn hole together?? That's what got me

[u/Bookish_girl1 → u/CorgiJealous3424]

He screwed the girl. There is no question in my mind. MIL knows and is happy about it.

[u/Multitrak → u/Bookish_girl1]

We're being drip fed - I thought this would be the conclusive update only to be let down again.

And the most obvious and glaring question that I asked in the last post which she should have asked him when he was in the room on FaceTime is "Are there two beds?" - she has never mentioned this incredibly important part. Not that they couldn't have cheated regardless but it would add some credibility to the situation!

[u/[deleted] → u/CorgiJealous3424]

The whole thing of defending not telling anything got me. I realized i've seen this scenario unfold.

[u/Princess_Thranduil → u/CorgiJealous3424]

I had the biggest 😬😬😬😬 after reading that. In a sea of gross shit that OOPs husband is doing to her that particular part got under my skin the most.

[u/Multitrak → u/CorgiJealous3424]

He and his gf were definitely playing cornhole

[u/ItsCatTimeBby]

Husband: "I have a lot to say"

Continues to say nothing 

Tf?

[u/rosemwelch → u/ItsCatTimeBby]

He just wanted to avoid the whole thing. That was a bid for time, and after enough time passes, he can say, "Why are you bringing up ancient history? You're being really unreasonable, honey."

[u/Comfortable-Focus123]

This keeps getting worse and worse for OOP. The husband is not even pretending to try.

[u/ultracilantro → u/Comfortable-Focus123]

Why would he pretend to try? He's openly cheating on her and claiming it's his mom's idea, and it seems to be going like it's going to blow over.

[u/Sleepy-Forest13 → u/ultracilantro]

"I let it go."

[u/paulinaiml → u/Comfortable-Focus123]

At this point he's trying she gets the hint

[u/Prestigious-Floor848 → u/Comfortable-Focus123]

I wouldn’t be surprised if she finds out his first marriage ended bc ex wife walked in on him cheating and he just stole the story

[u/Aggravating_Style544]

I’m struggling to understand why this particular husband is worth trying to hold on to. He seems like a massive prick who treats her like shit.

[u/crafty_and_kind → u/Aggravating_Style544]

Seriously! Inconsiderate, lies easily, clearly checked out of his marriage, I assume “sunk cost fallacy” and “fear of change/becoming a single parent” are what’s motivating OOP at this point. Honestly can relate. I stayed in a deeply unfulfilling relationship for fourteen years due to inertia and fear of change. My partner was not cheating, and things were “good enough” in that we were financially stable and didn’t actively fight. Just mostly coexisted with a lot of uncomfortable tension and nothing to talk about. I hope OOP finally decides to leave and her life improves as much as mine has!

[u/Naughty_PilgriM]

I don't understand how the husband had said he has something important to tell her, and then proceeds to duck and avoid the question for the next two days, and she... accepts it?? I would be on him and refuse to drop it until there was an explanation. This woman is like a quivering ostrich with her head buried deep in the sand.

[u/Mhor75]

If I had a shot for every time OP talked about letting things go because her husband had …, I’d be drunk for days 😩

[u/AnonThrowAway072023]

Like I commented on her last post....

His Vegas story is bullshit if you look at it from the point of view of the woman in the hotel.  What woman would agree to that, share a room, in Vegas, with a strange man?!?!  

"Oh don't worry, he's a good guy, married with kids, he's here with his Mom!"

No.  No way what he & Mom say is true, impossible, didn't happen that way.

[u/HoldFastO2 → u/AnonThrowAway072023]

I read that as she's part of their bowling league or whatever, so not a total stranger. My GF has spent overnight trips sharing rooms with male friends, and I've done the same with female friends, because we trust each other. But we talk about these things, and don't spring them on the other.

Personally, I find her husband's lack of interest in, and concern for, his wife more irritating than the shared room. It's like she doesn't even factor into his decisions at all.

[u/True-Raccoon8209 → u/AnonThrowAway072023]

and she was originally gonna stay in the room with his mom and her boyfriend? that’s almost weirder. why does this random female interloper HAVE to stay in a room with strangers? why wouldn’t she find a room somewhere else? the only way this makes sense is if he’s cheating

[u/EinsTwo → u/True-Raccoon8209]

No, I think OOP's husband was supposed to stay with MIL's boyfriend.   MIL was supposed to stay with this woman.   OOP says MIL asked to swap so she could spend all that time with her BF. ...  which just sounds like some weird junior high tricking the chaperones thing.  If MIL and BF wanted to share a room why not request that off the bat?  OOP says her husband usually shared a room with the BF, so why change now?

(Answer: because something sketchy is going on)

[u/jizzmcskeet → u/AnonThrowAway072023]

Hey honey, I would have told you I was sharing a hotel room with another woman, but I didn't want to upset you.

Man, I couldn't imagine the response if I told my wife that. I'd come home to an empty house.

[u/toomuchsvu → u/AnonThrowAway072023]

Seriously. I don't know what their financial situation is, but damn. I would have said no fucking way.

Husband bikes a lot and goes long distances so maybe it's not so weird to stay with random people, but this, this seems like something more.

[u/tatasz → u/AnonThrowAway072023]

Yup, like, I'm a woman. I don't share room with my brothers or my father because umm privacy? And my family is pretty chill, like we walk around in underwear at home, no big deal.

Imagine sharing the room with some random guy?

They are 100% sleeping together.

[u/skinofadrum → u/tatasz]

You walk around in your underwear in front of each other but you wouldn't share a hotel room with them? I don't understand this point of view at all. My brother and I are both single and we share a hotel room when we go to family weddings. Like, we're only there to sleep? Beyond changing into pyjamas I don't even know what privacy would be required that you can't get by utilising the en suite.

[u/BertTheNerd → u/AnonThrowAway072023]

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. But the whole reddit crowd knows, something DID happen in Vegas.

[u/[deleted] → u/AnonThrowAway072023]

Tbh I never even liked getting roomed with other women I worked with but didn’t know. It’s the most awkward way to meet people lol

[u/whoozywhatzitnow]

He’s probably the kind of guy that says “she wanted a divorce for no reason”. She is giving reasons, you’re just not listening.

[u/Foreign_Astronaut → u/whoozywhatzitnow]

This! Additionally, the reason he gave for his first marriage falling apart was that his first wife cheated on him... At this point, I'm thinking that might be bullshit. I'm thinking he did the cheating, then flipped the story when he told it to others. The way he's avoiding giving straight answers to OP definitely seems practiced.

[u/[deleted]]

The story always slightly changes. He's trickle truthing her. Just get divorced already. No women would accept this behavior.

[u/MathematicianSafe311 → u/[deleted]]

No women would accept this behavior.

You mean no women SHOULD accept this behavior. Some actually do, for a variety of reasons.

[u/Corgi_Koala → u/[deleted]]

My wife would castrate then divorce me.

If it's above board you still communicate with them in advance and make sure you're respecting boundaries.

And even besides the fact he's banging the other woman he sounds like a shitty husband anyways.

[u/Cest_Cheese]

This post killed me. Dude is taking 2 weeks of vacation without her, part of it he is sleeping with another woman, and she doesn’t want to confront him about it because it might ruin his bowling score or his biking trip? What was her birthday gift? A card game and a massage? Oh hell no!

[u/BoysenberryMelody → u/Cest_Cheese]

He’s planning the kid’s birthday party weeks out, but couldn’t be bothered to even invite people to her birthday. Couldn’t get Mother to help with that one.

[u/TrelanaSakuyo → u/Cest_Cheese]

I gotta wonder if it was an actual massage or a "massage"

[u/peanutbutterjammer → u/TrelanaSakuyo]

Probably an excuse for him to score.

[u/[deleted] → u/TrelanaSakuyo]

She said a backrub. So he's not sending her to a spa or anything, he's making normal touch count as a gift so he can spend less money.

[u/InformationAlarmed14]

This man don’t even like her 😭. Girl go through that phone.

[u/agirl2277 → u/InformationAlarmed14]

She needs to hire a PI. And a financial investigator. Or get a lawyer who knows how to do that. This guy is not showing her any reason to trust him.

I get all the comments calling her spineless, but she's deep in a fog right now. I feel bad for her that she's always dismissing her feelings for reasons that seem okay in the moment but are just excuses to hide from the truth. She needs to figure it out for her own well-being.

[u/Bleu_Jay17]

I hope OP wakes up and acknowledges how awful he’s being

[u/Ilien → u/Bleu_Jay17]

This entire story reeks of years of silent, insidious abuse and neglect. She was groomed for this. For years, certainly. Hurts to read :(

[u/Weeping_Will0w7 → u/Ilien]

Exactly. The way that every issue turns back on her, the way she keeps assuming people will call her crazy, the way she keeps "letting things go" for the sake of whatever is going on + the husband's "we had a good day today, let's not ruin that" mindset, PLUS the tidbit about her not wanting to talk to her family about her issues bc of their reaction + having no friends feels like she's been groomed to feel smaller than others and crazy for having emotions since she was young

It's so infuriating to read the comments because most of them are just acting like she's either stupid, desperate, or both

[u/SmartQuokka]

The husband is useless, the OOP keeps taking it on the chin.

This is going to explode one day. Spectacularly.

[u/Gwynasyn]

I hope to everything that is good and holy in this plane of existence that the next update from OOP is that she left her useless ass of a husband.

[u/BoysenberryMelody → u/Gwynasyn]

I hope she gets to a divorce lawyer. He won’t expect that.

[u/shame-the-devil]

The trickle truth is palpable. I bet if she brought it up to his mom, she would find out it wasn’t her idea for husband to share a room with that woman.

Something definitely happened on that trip…

[u/aworldofnonsense → u/shame-the-devil]

I don’t know. I was side-eyeing his mom from the very start. She’s either a massive asshole (forces her married son to share a room with a single woman) or a massive asshole (knows her son is cheating on her DIL and doesn’t care/encourages it/hides it).

[u/shame-the-devil → u/aworldofnonsense]

Third option: is it possible his mom never knew?

[u/SickSwan]

Just gonna throw this out here:

My grandma helped my dad hide his affair. My dad’s company had a big conference at a hotel, with our family in one room, grandparents in another & dad’s secretary/AP in another room.

Grams helped the two of them sneak around all week and provided alibis for them both. I wouldn’t bet on OOP’s MIL being above it.

[u/CatmoCatmo]

That last commenter basically gave OOP exactly what she needed.

When you’re in the middle of everything, and it’s spread out over time, it’s hard to see all the issues as a whole - all of the little ones smushed together, make this a MASSIVE issue. But at the same time, it’s also hard to see each issue for what it is - as we move through life, we set some issues aside to focus on others, and excuse some of them to keep dealing with new ones.

She needs to see them all laid out. Yes, together they definitely make a massive issue. But individually, they are also all equally as important as the next. This isn’t a case of “all the little things add up”. This is, “all the BIG things add up to make a more MASSIVE THING.”

In the wise words of Chili from Bluey, OOP needs to find her “big girl bark”. We set the tone for how others will treat us based on what we allow. I’m not blaming OOP. Nor am I saying that OOP is at fault for this. But moving forward, nothing is going to change unless she demands respect and holds him accountable for his shitty actions.

It sounds like he’s gotten away with being a shitty husband because OOP has been very forgiving and has given him a lot of grace - which he has taken full advantage of to benefit no one but himself. She needs to stop second guessing whether she’s “allowed” to feel a certain type of way. If she feels something, then she’s allowed to feel it. And it needs to be addressed. Immediately.

Easier said than done, I know. But this cannot continue. She is living in a constant state of tolerable unhappiness. She is crying out for help. She is trying to communicate and come up with solutions. He just doesn’t care. If he did. He would listen and work with her, rather than immediately defending himself against her.

[u/[deleted]]

OP really isn't the smartest tool in the shed that's for sure. This marriage is not healthy and OP is just letting all of this taking a drain on herself.

[u/Alarmed_Sector_982 → u/[deleted]]

I don’t know, reading it you can see a clear internal narration that she truly believes her feelings aren’t valid. Everytime a valid problem arises, she doesn’t bring it up because she doesn’t want to be told she overreacted.

It’s so clear that either he or other people in her life have consistently downplayed her emotions, and may never have learned that her feelings are actually valid or how to set boundaries.

[u/[deleted] → u/Alarmed_Sector_982]

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[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

It’s not really about smarts. It’s more conditioning and likely being raised to believe you’re responsible for other adult’s basic needs, whether they’re happy or enjoying themselves, etc. completely without even knowing how you feel or whether you’re enjoying yourself. Many women were, esp older generations. I definitely was. She said things confirming this over and over

[u/Sassypriscilla → u/[deleted]]

She also needs to be tested for STDs.

[u/Obtuse-Angel → u/[deleted]]

She’s really committed to her role as a doormat. 

[u/BoysenberryMelody → u/[deleted]]

She’s been conditioned by years of neglect and emotional abuse. Possibly before she even met her husband. It’s sad.

[u/DatguyMalcolm]

Then he went to work the next day - which hurt because I didn't really have the time to be calling in.....

So that really hurt - but I let it go because he was really behind....

(about her bday) That night, I asked him if he had a plan, and he said "oh I don't know, what do you want to do?". And that really really hurt, but I let it go because we have had so much going on......

and on and on

Everything hurt and everything was let go because they had a lot going on

OOP needs to do something about it instead of letting things go and getting hurt due to her husband not really caring about her that much and her MIL who is.... well... a btich! She literally set OOP up to be cheated on

[u/xoxo-chloe → u/DatguyMalcolm]

the work thing confused me so much. OOP took the day to take care of the kids and i guess she expected her husband to also take the day even though he had just gotten back from a two-week trip? is this not something you would have figured out ages ago when the trip was planned??

[u/slboml → u/xoxo-chloe]

My understanding was that he had booked that day off because she said they got back a day early. But rather than keep it as a day off to spend with her, he decided to go back to work a day early.

[u/LightOfLoveEternal → u/DatguyMalcolm]

But the things she's saying hurt her are... really fucking trivial. Like her husband had to go back to work and asked her what she wanted to do on her birthday. Oh no! How awful!🙄

[u/fracking-machines]

What did I just read? I feel exhausted.

[u/rockinvet02]

80% of this story is just how mentally exhausting this woman is (mostly to herself and her own mental health) and 20% how completely oblivious and unresponsive this guy is and honestly either one could be a response to the other over so many years and it's impossible to determine which came first in this story.

Either this guy is a complete dufus or he is already checked out and done. I guess we will find out in next weeks episode.

[u/blazarquasar → u/rockinvet02]

I think he’s checked out. He placates her enough to get her to clam down for a few days until she gets upset again over something stupid (like him going to work, as opposed to being upset over the lying and possible cheating). He’s so used to her acting upset but not actually communicating that it’s just not worth it anymore to try to dig into the real issue. She needs therapy to learn how to properly address what’s bothering her and how to have a real conversation. He needs to probably just be with the other woman bc less drama. I don’t see this relationship, or either person, making a serious comeback and turning things around

[u/rockinvet02 → u/blazarquasar]

It sounds like they would both be happier honestly.

[u/Mother_Drenger → u/rockinvet02]

Wow this is a fairly nuanced take. Tbf, I think this guys sucks, but I’ve been checked out before and had it thrown in my face—but that’s certainly not how I started in the relationship.

It’s an unfortunate anxious-avoidant cycle. I was the anxious one to a nagging, avoidant, fishwife until I broke and stopped caring to save myself. THEN she was easily seduced by some dude that lavished her with gifts and ended up leaving me for him. She cited my complacency when breaking up with me (but when you’re with an exhausting partner, it whittles you down to that, honestly).

[u/[deleted]]

How many times does OOP say "i let it go" when they mean "i stewed in it, refused to communicate about it, and made myself feel absolutely horrible about it"? Im tired.

[u/stuffmixmcgee]

This is baffling to me for the opposite reason everyone else is baffled. She says he trusts him so… why not like, just, trust him?

[u/NemesisOfZod]

Did she ever mention if she was frustrated, or sad, or hurt? I must have missed it.

[u/[deleted]]

On the one hand, yeah, they have communication issues and he's being cold.

On the other hand, that final update swiftly turned to dolphin sounds. I understand why her husband might be a little fed up tbh..it's not lost on me that he scheduled two vacations back to back without his wife before this even happened.

[u/zeno_22]

They needed couple's counseling 3 years ago

[u/[deleted]]

Honestly, both OP and her husband suck. She won't communicate. She says gifts aren't that important but spent paragraphs talking about the gifts she gets make her feel bad. Gets hurt because he has to go to work after going on vacation. Expects him to read her mind and know when she's upset, etc.She sounds exhausting to be married to.

He sounds like he's either an asshole who doesn't take his wife's feelings, wants, desires, needs into account, or he knows how his wife is and acts accordingly.

Both of these people need more help than reddit can give.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Yep. It’s always the ones who say “Gifts aren’t important to me!” Uh-huh, but you want to tantrum when your husband fails to have an elaborate surprise birthday party planned for you? Okay girl, go off. 🙄

[u/lronManDies]

Can’t wait for the three month update post where we find out OOP is the one having the affair and this whole situation is her projecting. Just a whole ass mountain out of a mole hill, exhausting.

[u/sickandtiredkit]

The unfortunate pattern of constantly being irritated and then just "letting it go" is killing her marriage. He's checked out and why wouldn't he - from his perspective, things are as fine as he'd like them to be. She's getting steamrolled by everyone. It's not gonna end well. There's no communication in this relationship.

[u/exhauta]

He responded to that saying that he loves me and has lots to say but can't say it over the phone.

Dude has nothing to say. He's blown this conversation off 4 times by my count.

[u/Angie-Sunshine]

One time my friends invited me and some other people from school to an astrology event, it was another girl, me and all guys. So I thought I'd be sharing the room with her but lo and behold, she wanted to share the room with her boyfriend and kicked me out to a room with a guy from school. There was only one bed. We knew each other pretty well but it was still one SUUUPER awkward night. Terrible. 

[u/Crankymimosa → u/Angie-Sunshine]

She was a huge asshole. I can imagine it being an awkward night.

[u/Head-Aside7893]

I’m sorry but OOP sounds exhausting af. I can see why her husband didn’t want to tell her anything. Whether I believe the husband…well he must be the worst cheater cuz who FaceTimes their wife in the hotel room and says out loud yea there’s another girl here lol. I’m tired

[u/Gneissisnice → u/Head-Aside7893]

Yeah, I'm with you. She's like "oh he's the best and I trust him, but..." and then acts like a psycho for months because she can't move past it. If that's how she reacts, then I can understand why he didn't want to tell her at first because he knew she'd be upset. If he was truly cheating, why would he even tell her in the first place?

[u/Viola836 → u/Head-Aside7893]

To me it sounds like she keeps telling him that she's fine or over it and he just trusts her. Then she acts irritated at him and he leaves her be because she doesn't actually tell him what's wrong. Then she explodes again, they talk about it and she once again "lets it go" while it isn't actually resolved. After what sounds like 3+ weeks of this he takes a day off to spend with her, maybe to have some quality time? And she's upset he doesn't talk immediately.

Idk, his story isn't so controversial either. "Didn't want to upset you" + "I was too tired" can exist at once. If he was lying he wouldn't have been so chill telling her the moment she asked. Maybe it's just me not thinking it a big deal.

Overall I think OOP is telling us more than she is telling her family. Could they do better? Yeah, probably. But they aren't devils, nor mind readers. If she's so upset she should just put her foot down and not be hurt but "letting it go."

[u/ApartCharity619 → u/Viola836]

Yes, OP’s patterns are exhausting. She gets upset, shoves it down, gets irritated and annoyed because husband can’t read her mind, then she exploded. Rinse and repeat.

[u/Trumperekt → u/Head-Aside7893]

I am not sure this kind of person asking for help on Reddit is a good idea either. Everyone is telling her he is cheating. Like what cheater tells you they are sharing a room with a woman when it is "planned". She just sounds exhausting and has severe mental issues. This is probably something he is used to and is checked out and does not want conflict.

[u/Chicago-Lake-Witch]

I guess I’m alone in thinking this guy is just real conflict avoidant and oblivious. Whereas she is nitpicking over every moment looking for something to be upset about. It makes me think of Mr & Mrs Bennett from Pride and Prejudice. Both men love their wives but are overwhelmed by their tempest in a teacup personalities and so they keep themselves occupied and out of the way. Mr Bennett in his study, this guy with hobbies that take him traveling. He just wants to have one day where something hasn’t upset her. He sure as heck isn’t going to be the one to do it by talking about his feelings of never being able to do the right thing.

[u/Deep_Pepper_5405 → u/Chicago-Lake-Witch]

That's the vibe I got as well. He sounds like someone who doesn't really think. Mom asked him to change rooms and he did it. Realised he fucked up and didnt want to cause conflict and just keeps making things up  He loves his hobbies and probably leaves all the life admin and family things to his wife. He just shows up where he is told. Therefore no birthdays, gifts, thoughts of time spent with wife and all of that. When wife presented conflict he just wanted a chill day and pushed it forward. Not saying any of these are great qualities.

[u/Gneissisnice → u/Chicago-Lake-Witch]

Yeah, most of the comments here about how shitty he is, but I'm more on his side. OOP seems pretty unreasonable here. If he was actually cheating, why would he even tell her he was rooming with a woman in the first place? Would be way easier to just tell her he stayed with his mom's boyfriend, as was the original plan. Maybe he should have communicated it earlier, but he probably also knew that she'd react like this.

It sounds like she's being pretty unfair over the whole thing. They talk about it and he apologizes and it feels like they're done with the issue, but then she brings it up again and again for months. What is he supposed do? Go back in time and refuse to room with the woman? She refuses to move on and is miserable every second of the day. I don't blame him for not wanting to engage more.

[u/Trumperekt → u/Chicago-Lake-Witch]

Not alone. I think she has some issues and he is really trying to avoid conflict with her.

[u/buddyalderwood → u/Chicago-Lake-Witch]

Not alone in your thinking, but not surprising as reddit loves recommending divorces to everyone who posts their one side the story here.

[u/jayd189 → u/Chicago-Lake-Witch]

This was my take as well.  He loves her but everytime they interact she yells at him so he started limiting interaction until he can figure out what to do.

[u/Merceri]

I understand being upset that her husband didn't tell her that he was going to be sharing a room with a woman in advance... but he was also quite upfront about it during the FaceTime call. 

She says that she doesn't care about gifts yet clearly does get upset and stews on it without saying anything to her husband. She's upset that he goes away for a trip and doesn't buy her anything in return. She's upset because his gifts aren't thoughtful (I.e. expensive). She never said to him what she wanted, and then blew up at him afterwards when he disnt read her mind. 

[u/fripi → u/Merceri]

This. If you are cheating you would definitely get your own room and definitely make sure not to facetime in a moment where someone walks through the picture. He also would have the story straight as why you don't mention something and not change it half way. 

I mean it is possible he is just dumb AF while cheating, but why is this more likely then him just not caring at all and not understanding anything about it? 

[u/TrelanaSakuyo → u/Merceri]

Thoughtful gifts don't have to be expensive.

[u/skinofadrum → u/Merceri]

'I got home expensive things for Father's Day' is the worst defense. He didn't ask you to and you didn't have to. If you were expecting a quid pro quo, that needed to be agreed in advance. I'm not saying this man is a good husband though.

[u/[deleted]]

Yeah she ain’t ever leaving him.

[u/bonecouch]

how did these people ever convince themselves that they love each other?

[u/iBiLLzY]

I'm not saying she's wrong (she isn't) but I get the feeling she sucks the energy out of him and he's just given up dealing with her. I'm exhausted from reading all of this, couldn't imagine how she is in real life.

Dude is messing up for sure but I think we are missing something.

[u/Boszz → u/iBiLLzY]

yea she's like " he's the best would never cheat we talked he apologized .. i had moved on... but wait there's more [dun dun dun] but 3 weeks later~~!

[u/L0cked4fun]

She sounds so exhausting to everyone around her. She should seriously either be ok with him not caring or leave. This fence riding is doing no one any favors.

[u/lunarchoerry]

i had a different gender friend sleep on my floor for an entire year without any issues or anyone thinking we were sleeping together :| that bit isn't really a concern in this story, but his weirdness about it sure is! and him just refusing to say stuff because it'll hurt her? it's hurting her not to know....

[u/awilder2]

I can’t help wondering if he’s lining up a lawyer, working on his exit strategy and stringing her along with the bare minimum to keep her in the dark until he’s got all his ducks in a row…OP needs to work on her version of this to protect herself in the event he pulls that trigger…

[u/downthedrainthrow]

Jesus I'll never get those 10 minutes back... absolutely nothing post. Leave the poor guy alone you overbearing, anxious wreck.

[u/Nashatal]

Maybe I am just an idiot, but why is sharing a hotel room with a person from your hobby group such a big deal? The same bed would be weird, but the same room... I mean: It feels like she blows things way out of proportion.

[u/vigouge → u/Nashatal]

Because people in these subs see lots of stories with infidelity and they try and force every story into one with that.

[u/skinofadrum → u/Nashatal]

This whole thread has blown it way out of proportion. It's really worrying to see how many people think it's monstrous behaviour to share a hotel room with someone of the opposite sex.

[u/eddwhy → u/Nashatal]

I thought the same thing, people can be so insecure.

[u/ForbiddenFruitiness]

I’m someone who doesn’t think sharing hotel rooms is a big deal in general - I’ve shared with my best friend before - but this one weirds me out.

First of all, what’s up with the communication? If such a mess up happened, I’d immediately be telling my partner, even if just to say “AH! Someone messed up! Now I’m sharing my room with a strange woman. How awkward is that????” Keeping it quiet seems really weird. Keeping it quiet, because he knew it would upset his wife? That is a completely different ball game, because at that stage he knew she wouldn’t be comfortable and decided to hide the matter instead of…I don’t know…just getting his own room? But maybe that was too much mental energy to spent on his wife and her wishes again? Because he doesn’t seem to like spending that either.

Reading the rest - it seems like his primary effort goes into not rocking the boat and having the easiest life possible.

I hate advising people to break up, but I’d genuinely hate being such an afterthought to my own partner. I couldn’t live with that. I would also struggle with my partner purposefully hiding something because he knew it would upset me…and then him seemingly not even caring enough about it, to go the extra mile to reassure me and make it obvious he is sorry/it will never happen again.

[u/SillyLilly_18]

Am I going crazy? What's the big deal with sharing a hotel room? Like I get that it turned out to be just one issue, but I don't understand the first reaction being so hurt? Unless all the hotel rooms in the US suffer from "there was only one bedosis"? Sharing a hotel room due to (as he stated at first) scheduling issues is not inherently sexual or emotional, right? And she keeps saying she knows he wouldn't cheat? So I really really don't understand the issue, how is that inappropriate?

[u/tacwombat]

Her husband knows that she will be upset. And now that she's still upset and he's not picking up on it or dismissing it, it's not a good sign.

[u/Enticing_Venom]

It seems like a pursuer/distancer dynamic. Husband seems checked out, which makes her insecure and seek reassurance. Except for whatever reason she is afraid to advocate for what she wants until she gets upset and it all explodes.

At 36 you need to stop being afraid that someone will think you are "blowing it out of proportion", especially a professional. And especially when everyone around you is telling you that you are underreacting. It seems like she's been conditioned (I assume by her "shitshow" family) to think that her feelings are irratational or don't matter so she doesn't feel comfortable advocating for herself. She only advocates when she's reached boiling point and that only serves to reinforce her perception that she's unreasonable.

The whole thing sounds exhausting and she needs therapy. Her husband is exactly the type of man I'd expect someone with a bad childhood to seek out (emotionally closed off due to some prior pain or trauma she thinks she can fix, says the right words of reassurance but doesn't follow with the right actions, pulls away when she expresses a "negative" feeling, etc).

[u/Spectre-907]

The repeated instances of “I know he’s not and would never do anything untoward, I trust him”, immediately followed by whole paragraphs about “i haven’t slept for days ive just been sobbing and picturing the worst”says it all, doesn’t it

[u/swissmtndog398]

Maybe it's just me, but did you get the feeling she's "hurt?"

[u/BandicootBroad2250]

The amount of times she said “i let it go” or something similar could be a great drinking game.

[u/AccountabilityPanda]

Ffs, at some point you start to feel like OP deserves whatever terrible life her choices land her in. You just cant reach some people. Holy smokes that was painful.

[u/softshellcrab69]

These comments are insane, she is literally creating all this drama out of nothing. Not every feeling is ~valid~ and not everything is a ~missing missing reason~

[u/Aggressive_Cup8452]

Either he's waiting for her to forget how miserable she is or he's putting his ducks in a row for a divorce. I'm thinking it's the last one. 

For a guy that walked in on his ex cheating to share a hotel room with someone that's not his wife? Because he didn't think that his wife would question him? 🙄 

[u/Ok-Tree-6719]

I do wonder if this husband is just clueless kinda dumb sitcom dad haha if that's the case his life must be hell, every single decision he makes causes his wife to freak out and he has no idea how to help to the point where he even ask how he can help and she says I don't know. 😂 they both sound like a nightmare to me

[u/JoyPill15]

OP is knowingly cuckholding herself and until she admits that and addresses it, the feelings are just going to continue to build up until they explode in a bad way

[u/The_Sound_Of_Sonder]

Aww this poor woman. She's in it so deep she can't even see it.

[u/[deleted]]

I was hoping the update would be that they’re divorcing.

[u/Moneyley]

Bowling and sharing a room.   All I thought of was Mindy 

[u/United-Material6595]

Such an anticlimatic read

[u/goingforawalkmmk]

“I felt so hurt but he didn’t catch on” is not good communication. 

[u/dabbers4123]

Honestly you both south incredibly tiring to be around or live with. You have no backbone or tough skin and take everything as a personal attack almost which you have graciously "let go". He is so checked out he is on saturn.

[u/UltimateDillon]

The room sharing is nothing. I definitely thought she was overreacting, and then the rest of the neglect and ignorance came...

[u/Hour-Ad3977]

This is going to sound mean but I HATE when people act like doormats

[u/mowriter72]

reiterating the comment that his MOTHER owes you a colossal apology for facilitating her son sleeping in a hotel room with another woman. Maybe you'll get at the discovery she never recommended that in the first place.

It's almost unthinkable that a woman would suggest her married son sleep in a hotel room with a woman who's not his wife.

[u/itsamewario1]

This guy is being so shady. Changed his story a couple of time as well. Updateme

[u/curiousbarbosa]

I wish she would just ghost him in the middle of the night for her sanity's sake, fuck the marriage and all that but alas they have kids.

[u/[deleted]]

At the very least, OOPs husband is done with her and that couldn't be more apparent

[u/WarmCry35]

Some ppl need to reach their limits before they do something about it. She sounds like one of them.

[u/Weeping_Will0w7]

He told me that I played cornhole with her last month at a get together.

He also said he did not want to upset me,

He said that he didn't think I would ever question his intentions so why would he think he would have to tell me

he didn't think it would be a thing because he would never try to hurt me and he thought I knew that

Funny how every issue manages to turn back onto her, huh?

Also these,

and partly because I didn’t want to hear him chalk it up to my imagination.

But I am afraid when I do talk to a professional they will say I’m blowing it out of proportion

maybe he could just tell me I'm not crazy and we will get through this together, or something like that at least.

I feel so bad for her, no joke. I hope she's able to get help soon

[u/Single_Vacation427]

 Then I had a medical issue ... and I went to our urgent care to take care of it. But I had to take care of all sorts of things first so that me going to the dr. didn't hamper my husbands day

She had to take care of shit for her husband BEFORE going to urgent care????

If you don't put your health first, then when are you ever putting yourself first? Who cares about the husband's day? He cannot even make a minute to actually talk to her.

[u/toomuchsvu]

Younger/married/in a relationship doesn't matter at all. No one could pool money to get them another hotel room? There are a billion hotel rooms/options. And he didn't even tell her that he was rooming with a woman beforehand??

Damn, these are some non confrontational people except for possibly MIL who had no problem foisting another woman on her son. In what world is that appropriate?
OOP let everything slide for so long because she didn't want to confront her husband when she should have so many times, husband wants to say a lot of things but just doesn't, and she never presses him on it?

WTF? Basic communication, people!

Topping it all off is that husband totally blew off her birthday? She says she's not into gifts, but clearly she is- she bought him a million for his bday and was disappointed when she got nothing.

What a shitshow.

OOP needs to grow a backbone and say the things. All of them. Not in a text.

[u/judgeholden72]

How old is this woman that she demands a backyard party for her birthday in which she opens up her gifts in front of everyone?

These people are stuck in a loop that makes them the worst version of themselves. At least he's forcing her into one. 

[u/shayanti]

OOP: we rarely fight 😊

Also OOP every 5minutes : so I let it go

Also also OOP : I didn't want my medical emergency to bother my husband

I saw a comment a while back saying that "we rarely fight" is a red flag, and I'm really starting to believe it. Please, fight.

[u/nicholvengian]

Is OOP princess Elsa cos she be letting it go all over the place.

[u/OverlyOptimisticNerd]

 His first marriage failed because he walked in on his wife cheating on him with another man.

Sounds like he cheated on her and flipped the narrative to suit him.

[u/[deleted]]

Imagine having so little self respect you would stay with someone who is an objectively useless partner. Guys never around, can’t give a gift, can’t even call her mom. He’s trash even without the cheating. Being a pathetic mammas boy with a wondering eye is just trash gravy

[u/Consistent-Comb8043]

I've been traveling in Europe for 3 months. I got my ex husband a souvenir in Scotland since it had his last name. But I actually like him so there's that

[u/EducationalDoctor460]

Ok I need another update

[u/Boggie135]

This won't end well

[u/wossquee]

I remember being so frustrated with the original post because nothing was resolved. But her husband is back and still nothing is resolved! I just stopped reading at a certain point because I was so frustrated with everyone in this story, OOP included.

[u/Kath1507]

Couples therapy at least

[u/Autumndickingaround]

Ugh. I was hoping there’d be more of a conclusion to her situation. It’s so frustrating to read her just letting so many things go, until she explodes. Even if he’s just being a dumbass, you gotta communicate so things can have any chance of resolving. If he is refusing to communicate then you need to work on your next steps, because being in a limbo of his creation is not going to help anyone including the children.

[u/omgomgwtflol]

The whole post and updates: I was sad, I was mad, I was upset, I was hurt, irritated, sobbing, sad, frustrated, sad, mad, crying, mad, sad

[u/forevervalentine]

Wow this is just like the dynamic with my ex husband and me.

…I found out about all the cheating after I left

[u/BigTaco_Boss]

Husband definitely cheated and is just trying to hide it.

[u/Glittering_Piano_633]

Yikes. He’s not even a little bit into her.

[u/TheyHitMeWithaTruck]

Read the whole thing waiting for OP to grow a damn backbone. Exhausting.

[u/EverMystique1]

Once again, we have the classic "If I ignore it, it'll go away" attitude. Is there a class on how this applies to destroying a relationship?

[u/[deleted]]

This guy is an idiot. Know what I'm never doing? Sharing a room with some woman other than my wife or a relative.

[u/bigscottius]

Bruh....I wouldn't let my wife sleep in a hotel room with a dude.

She wouldn't let me sleep in a hotel room with a woman and I sure as fuck wouldn't even think about it.

[u/JustAnotherGay22]

Ugh, her final update post from yesterday makes me so sad. This woman deserves so much better!!!

[u/Successful_Owl_3829]

There is not a snowballs chance in hell that my husband would EVER share a room with another woman that was not directly related to him, no matter the circumstances. He would literally sleep in his car before he slept in a room alone with a single woman my age. They were in Vegas, there are probably HUNDREDS of other hotels where he could have gotten a room by himself. I don’t care how much you trust your spouse, it is at the very minimum incredibly disrespectful to share a room with a stranger, and at worst - that woman could have accused him of anything and he would have no way to defend himself. So either he’s a huge idiot who is completely oblivious to how detrimental this could be to his marriage and his own reputation, or he is full on cheating and his mother is encouraging it.

[u/Trumperekt → u/Successful_Owl_3829]

Y'all sound lousy. There was a post on AITAH where a woman was going on a three day camping trip with 3 guy friends that she met 6 months earlier. The BF was telling her he did not feel good about this. Every woman on the sub was calling the BF controlling and insecure. God forbid if a guy shares a room with a woman, which was not even planned.

[u/LightOfLoveEternal → u/Successful_Owl_3829]

That's SUPER pathetic honestly. There's nothing wrong with sharing a hotel room with a different woman. And it's really fucking weird how many people here insist that it is.

If her husband was bi is he just supposed to never share a room with anyone ever again?

[u/jesuschin]

This lady is a weirdo. Just fucking tell him to shape up or get the fuck out